Page 4 | To find that there is a great deal of naivety on here

Jayeu · 2026-04-14T09:45:44+00:00

I’ve read a lot of threads recently where countless posters have replied to say ‘my DH would never do/say that’, ‘DH wouldn’t get himself in that situation, I know him too well’. Do you not think that the posters who have come on here to ask for advice on such issues had a similar view of their own DH previously too? Whether it’s shagging their PA, a sexist comment, strip club visit or coming out as gay - a lot of people have blind loyalty. I just feel there’s a general naivety that it could never happen to them, and the smug holier than thou replies do nothing to help the OP’s.

ladyamy · 14/04/2026 13:18

ViciousCurrentBun · 14/04/2026 11:12

DH has always said he couldn’t have an affair because he can barely manage one women let alone two. No declarations of undying love or any such thing plus he gets stuff mixed up so would be shit at attempting to hide it. I mean my main worry would be my reaction. My friend was very dignified and to be admired I worry I would be behaving in a most undignified manner. When people on here are saying find your anger, that would not be a problem I’m not especially an angry woman but I am forthright and think sadness would be the least of it for me. Worry I would go a bit Old Testament.

What does ‘a bit Old Testament’ mean? I’ve never heard it before :)

Katypp · 14/04/2026 13:19

LughLongArm · 14/04/2026 11:09

They're really not, you know. I'm not talking about affairs. No one's relationship is infidelity-proof, and I'm fine with that. But in any case, I think sleeping with someone else is far more forgivable than much of the stuff that's regarded as normal on Mn -- not doing a full share of household chores and child-related stuff, not communicating like an adult, not being permanently absent on a gaming console, not going to strip clubs, drinking themselves into a stupor, not supporting their spouse's career, etc etc.

I married someone I could be very sure wasn't like that, because I'd been in a relationship with him since our student days, and had ample opportunity to see exactly how he worked. I've known him since 1992. I'm certain there are hidden aspects to him that I've not seen, because everyone has them, and there are absolutely things about him I find challenging, but he' s a decent person, a good friend, a good son, a good husband, an excellent cook, a fun companion, an incorrigible optimist, and a lovely dad.

Yeah mine was like that. Together from being 15. Married at 21, one child at 26. Worked in the same industry and office. Then he moved, had an affair and we split after 15 years of marriage. His dad had done the same and my ex vowed he would never put his child through what happened to him. He did.
I thought i knew him inside out. Turns out i didn't. Don't assume anything.

Apileofbroc · 14/04/2026 13:20

Sounds like you’ve had one hell of a poor experience with men and relationships @Jayeu

Care to share?

sunnydisaster · 14/04/2026 13:25

LughLongArm · 14/04/2026 11:09

They're really not, you know. I'm not talking about affairs. No one's relationship is infidelity-proof, and I'm fine with that. But in any case, I think sleeping with someone else is far more forgivable than much of the stuff that's regarded as normal on Mn -- not doing a full share of household chores and child-related stuff, not communicating like an adult, not being permanently absent on a gaming console, not going to strip clubs, drinking themselves into a stupor, not supporting their spouse's career, etc etc.

I married someone I could be very sure wasn't like that, because I'd been in a relationship with him since our student days, and had ample opportunity to see exactly how he worked. I've known him since 1992. I'm certain there are hidden aspects to him that I've not seen, because everyone has them, and there are absolutely things about him I find challenging, but he' s a decent person, a good friend, a good son, a good husband, an excellent cook, a fun companion, an incorrigible optimist, and a lovely dad.

Very similar to my situation.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 14/04/2026 13:27

LughLongArm · 14/04/2026 10:56

I think the opposite. It's easier psychologically for women who are married to a misogynistic dickhead who has a PhD in weaponised incompetence as regards childcare and housework, or who thinks lapdances are normal, or who watches porn, to think 'Oh, all men are like that.'

They aren't. You unfortunately just chose a shit one.

This! Literally DH has raised his voice to me once in 26 years, and he apologised for it within the hour. But then if he was the sort of man who lost his temper easily, was checking out other women or generally shit behaved, I wouldn’t have dated him in the first place.

A lot of women have very low standards, convince themselves that all men are like that and then it’s not much of a step to the properly shit behaviour.

secretrocker · 14/04/2026 13:30

DancingWithHim · 14/04/2026 12:03

I wouldn’t write that my partner would never cheat, go to a strip club etc, on a thread where the OP is distressed that their partner has done those things as that would be unhelpful and cruel.

However, after being together for almost 30 years, since we were 19, and having seen my partner in a variety of situations, seeing how he acts around women, who he chooses to mix with, the fact that he has fallen out with friends who have cheated on their wives, that he thought his brother was a dick for going to a strip club on his stag do and has minimal contact with that brother due to the way he treats his wife and women in general, that he finds men like that disgusting etc, I would say that he’d never do the things you mentioned. He has really strong morals that align with mine. In almost 30 years he has never once gave me reason to doubt him. His dad was a misogynistic man and he never wanted to be like that. My dad abused me and he detests him and has supported me in dealing with all the crap that came with that.

If people want to think that I’m being naive, that’s ok, I know I’m not.

Yeah, DH is similar. I know he came home early when a friend of his friends was persuading them to go to a strip club, and he was pretty disappointed with his friend for going.
It's naive to think your DH would never cheat - I think almost anyone is capable of it in the right circumstances.
But you can't go through life assuming they will, that's no way to live.
And yeah, a lot of these responses are into the "all men are like this" posts.

Katypp · 14/04/2026 13:32

Well this thread is starting to prove the OP's point 😂

ResultsMayVary · 14/04/2026 13:32

Fends · 14/04/2026 11:21

Yeah. Even the ones who find sex menus for stag dos won’t admit it to themselves 😂

Okay I must be naive. What does that even mean? Sex menus?

Thehandinthecookiejar · 14/04/2026 13:35

NotAnotherScarf · 14/04/2026 10:49

Fully agree. And the "if my husband shouted at me I'd leave " comments.

Marriage is about give and take and overlooking some things (not everything naturally) and trust...but some people on here are married to either absolute saints or they are the stereotypical dominating wife of sitcoms

Well if marriage is about trust then what’s the problem with some posters thinking their husbands will never do X, Y or Z? Some of them will be right after all. Not all men are chancers.

CurlewKate · 14/04/2026 13:36

I particularly think about this when we’re talking about societal misogyny. The people who say that their partner or their son would never participate or even collude with the “lad culture” and would always call out other men. They wouldn’t and don’t.

Givemeausernamepls · 14/04/2026 13:39

If someone didn't trust their partner and said oh you never know he might run off with a woman from work / my best friend / a woman he meets down the pub. She would be told she had issues she needs to work on and counselling would be suggested.

DreamyJade · 14/04/2026 13:40

I think there are two types of trust. There’s “No way in the world would this person ever do such a thing and I believe that 100%”, and there’s “I don’t think this person would do that, and I’ll give them the benefit of my trust and hope they don’t break it”.

They’re both ‘trust’, but very different. I’m firmly in the second camp now.

newrubylane · 14/04/2026 13:44

LughLongArm · 14/04/2026 11:09

They're really not, you know. I'm not talking about affairs. No one's relationship is infidelity-proof, and I'm fine with that. But in any case, I think sleeping with someone else is far more forgivable than much of the stuff that's regarded as normal on Mn -- not doing a full share of household chores and child-related stuff, not communicating like an adult, not being permanently absent on a gaming console, not going to strip clubs, drinking themselves into a stupor, not supporting their spouse's career, etc etc.

I married someone I could be very sure wasn't like that, because I'd been in a relationship with him since our student days, and had ample opportunity to see exactly how he worked. I've known him since 1992. I'm certain there are hidden aspects to him that I've not seen, because everyone has them, and there are absolutely things about him I find challenging, but he' s a decent person, a good friend, a good son, a good husband, an excellent cook, a fun companion, an incorrigible optimist, and a lovely dad.

This. I'm always amazed at the threads where the woman's like 'Ive been married to this dickhead for years and put up with x, y, z. Now he's been unfaithful so I'm going to leave him.' 🤯

Greengolas · 14/04/2026 13:50

a lot of emotion on Mumsnet is unnecessarily deep. Life isn't that deep. We're just biological space accidents on a weird planet 😬

You get more balanced views on other forums. Also a lot of Mumsnet is AI. I think I've accidentally replied to a few AI posts this week and it's embarrassing when you realise.

You can see many people live in tiny bubbles and don't really spend much time with other people face to face.

(e.g there was a thread a few days ago by a person who had decided that she no longer likes going out to nightclubs. And she was making the thread unnecessarily emotional and heavy. Fact is, people change, tastes change, hobbies change. It isn't that deep!!)

Tacohill · 14/04/2026 13:54

Givemeausernamepls · 14/04/2026 13:39

If someone didn't trust their partner and said oh you never know he might run off with a woman from work / my best friend / a woman he meets down the pub. She would be told she had issues she needs to work on and counselling would be suggested.

But for me it’s not about not trusting your partner.

I would never be in a relationship with someone I don’t trust.

But it’s understanding that neither of you are robots and life throws challenges at you.

Some of these challenges could result in someone leaving, being unfaithful or becoming abusive.

Tacohill · 14/04/2026 13:56

DreamyJade · 14/04/2026 13:40

I think there are two types of trust. There’s “No way in the world would this person ever do such a thing and I believe that 100%”, and there’s “I don’t think this person would do that, and I’ll give them the benefit of my trust and hope they don’t break it”.

They’re both ‘trust’, but very different. I’m firmly in the second camp now.

Absolutely this!

You can trust someone without being naive enough to think that nothing will ever go wrong in the relationship.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 14/04/2026 13:56

I do think the “all men are like this” posts are actually really unhealthy and unhelpful. It gives the strong message, not just to the poster but others reading - that the choice is between a shit man or being single. The option of “dump the shit man and find a good one” is gone if you keep repeating that all men are equally bad.

Often I read posts and think, “I’d have never got as far as marrying this man” and then I realise this woman has pushed past all the warning signs this is a shit man because she’s normalised poor behaviour.

Not all adults cheat, even if they are offered easy sex with someone they find attractive/interesting. Some will.

Kingdomofsleep · 14/04/2026 14:01

newrubylane · 14/04/2026 13:44

This. I'm always amazed at the threads where the woman's like 'Ive been married to this dickhead for years and put up with x, y, z. Now he's been unfaithful so I'm going to leave him.' 🤯

Show quote history

I agree that an affair is a lot more forgivable than some of the stuff on here.

Certain things like domestic violence, hitting the children, or (ab)using prostitutes, are totally unforgivable for me because they're inhumane. A man who does those things is not a good man, he's more like a monster.

But having a consensual affair with (say) a colleague who he's with all the time, the closeness crept up on them gradually... it's not inhumane in the same way. I think that person could be basically a nice person, maybe selfish and thoughtless.

And yet I know several women who'd forgive those first things but not the affair.

Edit to add - and I know "my Nigel" wouldn't do those first things. Any Nigel could do the affair though imo.

Mingspingpongball · 14/04/2026 14:03

I don’t know if it’s fair to say it’s just naivety.. sometimes it is, sometimes it combines with smugness, sometimes either fear, sometimes with just a very positive outlook…or all of those combined.

When I got married I was already mid-thirties. Had been very much in love with my husband, thought of him as one of the good guys etc. As far as I can tell he hasn’t physically cheated but he’s done far worse (in my opinion). As a for instance, his year long dawning over a close friend. I lost it with him recently and said no more. Practicalities wore me down. But I’d rather he’d just shagged her and left or whatever.

I used to think my very rule/ following nature (I am not a people-pleaser just very prone to not being “in trouble” (the thought makes me feel sick) - so guess what my childhood was like) meant that I would never cheat. I still think I wouldn’t but now I know it’s not from trust, love or even loyalty. It’s just because I wouldn’t upend my child’s life (or another person’s marriage). Or at least I THINK that. I don’t know for certain that something wouldn’t change me enough to decide for example life is short/I’ll be dead a long time or whatever flips someone into inappropriate situations.

As I have a severely disabled child (she’s brilliant btw) I tend to think it’s a bit like disability and why it makes people uncomfortable.. we know deep down it’s not impossible, however unlikely, that someone we think we know could do something we don’t want to think they could do.

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/04/2026 14:04

@FancyBiscuitsLevel

A lot of women have very low standards, convince themselves that all men are like that and then it’s not much of a step to the properly shit behaviour.

This post totally proves the OP's point (and with a nice side-helping of victim blaming).

First, being cheated on is nothing to do with "standards". Cheats don't come with a bar code on their forehead that you can scan to tell you they're a wrong'un. No one is saying all men are like that. But clearly a proportion of them are, or we wouldn't be having this discussion, and the point is its not always easy to tell the difference. You can convince yourself you've picked the right Nigel and maybe you have.

But the point is you can't ever know for sure. At best you can make a rational, educated guess based on personality and past behaviour and hope that it's right. But the definition of an unexpected event is that it's, well, unexpected. So it's just that, a guess. And thinking you have more certainty over the next woman doesn't make you better or give you any excuse to crow about "standards".

Kingdomofsleep · 14/04/2026 14:17

I'd go even further... there are some pps on here saying they'd never cheat. I don't think one can even be sure of that. I think familiarity, closeness, seeing someone often, maybe having a shared aim or project, being in an adrenaline situation...all these things can switch on romantic feelings in humans and that's part of human nature. That's why affairs are often between colleagues, particularly ones who work long hours or away from home etc. I think it's pretty understandable really.

The best we can do to prevent ourselves from cheating (we're not responsible for our husbands' cheating) is try and maintain the closeness with our spouse so that we don't end up closer to someone else. I don't think many people can be absolutely sure they'd never be tempted ever.

MyMilchick · 14/04/2026 14:19

ResultsMayVary · 14/04/2026 13:32

Okay I must be naive. What does that even mean? Sex menus?

Show quote history

It's a reference to another thread where a wife read an email sent to her husband from a joint best man (her DH was the other) of her husbands friend's wedding, it basically had a price list for strip club entry and massage parlour entry plus a list of abbreviations with prices next to them which were referring to sex acts (the sex menu) The OP believed her DH when he said that he didn't know the guy very well and that he wouldn't be going to any of those things

Weeelokthen · 14/04/2026 14:21

Some of us DO have decent men. Decent men DO exist.
I have never in my life seen such utter misandry as on this site.

drspouse · 14/04/2026 14:31

StephensLass1977 · 14/04/2026 12:07

It is strange how a lot of women will say "not my husband" but will then go on to say "all men are rats, dump the bastard, you can't trust any of them". I always wonder, would they be so fast to dump THEIR "bastard"?

There was one yesterday where her dad urinated all over her new home and I had every sympathy for that, but then she said she never wants another man in her home ever again, and so many agreed! It was bizarre. Why would all men be banished from thereon? Imagine blanket-judging women like that. All hell would break loose.

I doubt I will have another partner if my (12 years older) DH dies before me, but that's not because he's awful - it's because he's sensible and adult. I don't see another man living up to that.

DontOpenTheFourthDrawer · 14/04/2026 14:32

To be fair, most of the posts are either faux, or faux naive.

Yes, I always presume those posters are just coming on here to brag or to show off their pretend perfect fake lives. I dont think anyone can guarantee 100% to know what someone else would do because I have seen people act hugely out of character given the right circumstances.

That said, I equally dont like the assumption that every else's husband must be some gross scummy pervert just because the OP's husband is and if he isnt then you must be lying.

Eg My DH has never sworn at me or shouted at me ever during our 22 year marriage (despite the what the earlier posts say)- he just hasn't. I am not lying or bragging about it, its never happened and I am not going to pretend that being sworn at is a universal experience that all women have to put up with in order to keep a man. So yeah, it goes both ways I think.