To find that there is a great deal of naivety on here

[Jayeu]

I’ve read a lot of threads recently where countless posters have replied to say ‘my DH would never do/say that’, ‘DH wouldn’t get himself in that situation, I know him too well’.

Do you not think that the posters who have come on here to ask for advice on such issues had a similar view of their own DH previously too?

Whether it’s shagging their PA, a sexist comment, strip club visit or coming out as gay - a lot of people have blind loyalty.

I just feel there’s a general naivety that it could never happen to them, and the smug holier than thou replies do nothing to help the OP’s.

Fully agree. And the "if my husband shouted at me I'd leave " comments.

Marriage is about give and take and overlooking some things (not everything naturally) and trust...but some people on here are married to either absolute saints or they are the stereotypical dominating wife of sitcoms

To be fair, most of the posts are either faux, or faux naive.
Plop and run. Once you start seeing the clickbait, you can’t unsee it.

But yeah, I agree with your point. It’s very easy to holler ‘my dh would never’ or ltb. Take it all with a pinch of salt or as an exercise in creative writing, you won’t be far wrong.

YANBU in a way.

But it's often preceded by ridiculous thread titles like "AIBU to think all men are like this?"

If people would just jack that shite in, there'd be fewer replies like the ones you describe.

Absolutely.

I've been listening to a podcast lately called 'The Affair' by Anna Williamson, as I'm quite nosy and intrigued by other people's relationships.

The number of people who say 'I was 100% confident DH would NEVER cheat on me as we'd always agreed together if either of us felt like things weren't working we would talk about it instead of cheating', who are then shocked pikachu when they find out about an affair.

It's quite surprising to me that anyone would assume something like that can't happen to them and their relationship. But I guess everyone has different experiences and maybe if you've never been through anything that makes you realise life is unpredictable and you can only really trust and rely on yourself, maybe you would be that way.

Yes, totally agree. I was just reading a thread about contact between separated parents, and noted how many women said their husband could never be an EOW dad and would want to see the children constantly. That's what an awful lot of women thought about their deadbeat exes who haven't bothered with the children in years.

I know it is hard for people to understand not all men act the same and neither do all women

There is certain things my husband knows I wouldn't do and he would be right so why doesn't it work the other way round?

My husband knows I wouldn't decide to run around the block, i wouldnt so why would he be naive to think so?

I think the opposite. It's easier psychologically for women who are married to a misogynistic dickhead who has a PhD in weaponised incompetence as regards childcare and housework, or who thinks lapdances are normal, or who watches porn, to think 'Oh, all men are like that.'

They aren't. You unfortunately just chose a shit one.

Yes, the “not my Nigel” brigade when in reality it could be anyone’s Nigel or Nigella.
People read about horrific situations on here and want to immediately reassure themselves that it could never be them. They are of course wrong but let’s hope they never find that out!

That podcast is fascinating. I’m equally gobsmacked by the naïveté of some of the OWs though, like the one whose affair partner’s wife got pregnant twice over the course of the affair even though he’d spun her the usual spiel about his wife not understanding him.

My ex was very hands-on dad. I used to work evenings so he'd come home from work and do the bath and bedtime etc. I went back to work when my youngest was 6 weeks old so he was a very involved parent. All my friends were very jealous about how much time he spent parenting
When we split up he continued to see our youngest and gave me child support for the youngest which he stopped the week she turned 18. He didn't give me any financial support for my eldest who was just about to go to uni even though I had her home for 22 weeks of the year for the 4 years she was at uni
He hardly sees his grandchildren now. They call my husband Granddad not him. He sees our kids maybe 3 or 4 times a year even though he only lives a few miles from them.
All my friends are gobsmacked at how he behaved. You just never know .....

YANBU. I say that as someone who at one time would literally have bet my life that my DH would never ever cheat, he was the last person in the world who would, he’s just not the type, he hasn’t got it in him, I’d be able to tell, I can read him like a book etc. Until the day I discovered he’d been having an affair for four years with a work colleague.

But if you trust your DH and have been with them for years then it's not naive or unbelievable to believe they wouldn't do something completely disrespectful to you. It's just normal surely?

I certainly trusted and believed in my DH - until I didn't. Why would anyone go through life believing that their DH will probably cheat on them or treat them like shit at some point?

This is just another of example of people wanting to demonstrate how superior they are over those naive and silly 'not my nigel' types, how much cleverer they are and how they would have seen it all coming if it was them.

I see where you are coming from and sort of agree. No one can ever say he wouldn't do that or my dh would never do that. Anyone is possible of doing anythign really.

But on the other hand when you know someone well, you know their character.
There are certain things that I know my dh feels very strongly about. Honesty and integrity for example. He is the sort of person who would never ever fill in a tax form wrong or try and 'get away with' something illegal. It is a very deeply ingrained value in him.

So it is less about he wouldn't cheat on me, and more about he would need a personality transplant to do certain things.

I see the same with wider family. I can see that certain people hold certain values differently. I predicted who would cheat, and he is now twice divorced.

They're really not, you know. I'm not talking about affairs. No one's relationship is infidelity-proof, and I'm fine with that. But in any case, I think sleeping with someone else is far more forgivable than much of the stuff that's regarded as normal on Mn -- not doing a full share of household chores and child-related stuff, not communicating like an adult, not being permanently absent on a gaming console, not going to strip clubs, drinking themselves into a stupor, not supporting their spouse's career, etc etc.

I married someone I could be very sure wasn't like that, because I'd been in a relationship with him since our student days, and had ample opportunity to see exactly how he worked. I've known him since 1992. I'm certain there are hidden aspects to him that I've not seen, because everyone has them, and there are absolutely things about him I find challenging, but he' s a decent person, a good friend, a good son, a good husband, an excellent cook, a fun companion, an incorrigible optimist, and a lovely dad.

Its understandable to trust the people you love and to feel that you truly know them. Doesn't mean you're right, just that it's normal.

That said, saying it at the wrong time (like when someone else is going through shit with their partner) just makes you look like a dick.

DH has always said he couldn’t have an affair because he can barely manage one women let alone two. No declarations of undying love or any such thing plus he gets stuff mixed up so would be shit at attempting to hide it. I mean my main worry would be my reaction. My friend was very dignified and to be admired I worry I would be behaving in a most undignified manner. When people on here are saying find your anger, that would not be a problem I’m not especially an angry woman but I am forthright and think sadness would be the least of it for me. Worry I would go a bit Old Testament.

So how would our male partners be naive about us women?

But in any case, I think sleeping with someone else is far more forgivable than much of the stuff that's regarded as normal on Mn -- not doing a full share of household chores and child-related stuff, not communicating like an adult, not being permanently absent on a gaming console, not going to strip clubs, drinking themselves into a stupor, not supporting their spouse's career, etc etc.

I agree, I am always surprised at the low level of behaved demostrated by most men, and that women put up with it.
I got married at 32. I would have rather stay single than marry a man who was like this.

Completely agree. We'd been together 15 years and had 3 children when my husband had an affair (& left in the middle of lockdown). Not me or a single person in our family/social circle would have expected not only the affair, but the way he's behaved towards our children since. He was the best day, super involved and forever adjusting his work schedule etc to accommodate our daughters gymnastics which took us all over the place.

Obviously there are exceptions, but I imagine most people don't create families/lives with people they expect to mistreat them down the line.

I just feel there’s a general naivety that it could never happen to them, and the smug holier than thou replies do nothing to help the OP’s.

I missed this when I read your OP the first time. I completely agree. This is not the time or the place

There is a huge amount of privilege and “not my Nigel” on here. Worst is, a lot of people don’t recognise their own privilege. I’ve seen many, many smug posts from people saying they made sure to pick the right man from the start. As if those of us who are divorced are a bit dim and knew that the men we chose to marry would be rubbish husbands and fathers.

I agree. I wouldn’t ever say “I know 100% that DH would never cheat on me”. I wouldn’t even claim to know 100% that I’d never cheat on him!
But I’d still be shocked if he did. I don’t think that makes me a naive idiot. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone where I wouldn’t be shocked if they cheated.

But on the other hand when you know someone well, you know their character.
There are certain things that I know my dh feels very strongly about. Honesty and integrity for example. He is the sort of person who would never ever fill in a tax form wrong or try and 'get away with' something illegal. It is a very deeply ingrained value in him.

This is my DH too. He is conscientious, responsible and honest to a fault. We’ve been married 35 years and I honestly believe he has been faithful to me.

What if you had a health scare and they said you need to get fit. And you decided to start running?
Things could change, don’t you think?

Yes, but as a pp said, they're usually responding to an OP describing some awful marital situation and asking 'Is this normal?'