Would you come to my “birthday “ get together?

[Donotfitin]

I haven’t had a proper birthday party (with acial friends) in like 10 years, but I feel like I now have enough close people to invite (4).

the problem is that they don’t know each other, and one in particular has never met any of them, and I’ve never been out with her before (she’s my “school mum friend”) . Would it be weird to invite her? Would it be awkward for her?

I know I’m overthinking this, but I’ve never been in this position before.

i can’t make head nor tail of what’s going on

i guess because I have also seen your - thread in Feb saying you don’t have friends and struggle to make them.

anyway - whatever you decide I hope goes well and update the thread!

Nope not really…

If you got that thread, I’ve always said that I have 2-3 friends. (The SAHM I would say is my friend but we don’t do much outside of the school), and of the other two, I only like one ALL THE TIME.

the fourth one is kind of new, and I feel I can now count her as a friend .

But you already said you thought somewhere fancy would be too expensive for one of your mates, that's why I made that suggestion. You say you'd never go there for your birthday but you've also not had a birthday thing for years.

Can you not do a fancy thing with your partner and a chilled thing with these mates? Or do the fancy thing with your mates and just let them know the cost so they can choose whether they can afford or not.

How fancy is fancy? A nice indie place? A chain like Botanist for fancy cocktails and food, something like Six by Nico? An Italian with nice lighting? I feel like you're getting into such specifics but the general initial query was just about do I invite all these people. Especially when you mention that you don't have options in your town anyway. Do you have a nearby city you can all go to? A rooftop bar? Tapas by the sea or a river or whatever?

Someone else has noticed that you're being very particular. And yes, I'd agree.

I saw you poo poo the BBQ suggestion because you have dogs. People are just trying to make suggestions and help. You have definitely overthought this. Either keep it casual or make it fancy. The main thing is just invite them all along. Friends want to spend time with friends, that's totally normal.

Doing something fancy with my DH would not be any different to what I do every year.

Unfortunately we don’t have that many options here, and everything is a longish drive (think 30mins) to get anywhere else that potentially would still be seen as too expensive (maybe!)

my comment about it being expensive is because my friend said it was to pricey when we were talking about her birthday dinner options. The truth is she has millions in the bank, but at the same time I’ve already got that feedback from her, so why push it?

It’s a bit more complicated than that…

but the one of the “up and down” relationship can create a bit of noise (because many of the things she says are not well thought at all and can get offensive depending on your tolerance level, even though they aren’t said with any malice). My closest friend picks up on that, thus why she mostly tolerates her.

but no, obviously it’s not a group of friends it’s 4 people who are completely different to each other that happen to know me.

Only the SAHM is not a social animal ( I know she doesn’t celebrate her birthday), two have invited me to their birthdays and one is too recent of a relationship to have invited me.

I’d come because you’re my friend and it’s your birthday. I’m an adult, I can make conversation with people I don’t know well
for a few hours. With 10 of us, I assume I wouldn’t have to talk non stop for the whole evening!

If it helps, think through some ideas for conversation: movies, celebrity antics, Donald Trump, the state of Tottenham Hotspur these days, kids, the new housing estate behind the church …

Offer a set amount of money towards friends meal ( I did for my 60 th in 2022, good pub, £25 per person, buy your own drinks, invite stated clearly).
That resolves the issue, and you should pay if your birthday

I’m exactly the same op because birthday person is busy hosting so I would have to talk to strangers! I would be fine if dh came.

I half think it would be that too, which is why I though of the husbands (at home).

but my DH thinks it would be bizarre and one of the husbands is 100% like marmite.

I’m aware the most sensible thing might be to do nothing, but that’s kind of sad in itself IMO

i think that if they don’t know each other, it’s off and the wrong vibe to invite them to a restaurant. That’s the sort of event you would plan as a group of friends. It would feel very odd to me. But if invited to someone’s home for a dinner party of some sort it’s completely normal to not know who is going and to expect to socialise with people you don’t know. You can for example have the guys move places after each course. Don’t rush the evening and make sure everyone has had a couple of drinks before they sit down! Prep food in advance so you’re not slaving away on the night. And don’t make a huge deal about it being a birthday - you can casually mention it’s a ‘bit of a celebration’ and they’ll ask.
I think that’s the best approach for new people. You should host, not invite to a restaurant.
You are also the opening doors to reciprocal invitations where you might meet new friendship groups.

i would test the water so to speak by arranging a coffee morning prior to the actual birthday and see how everyone gets on

It’s normal to invite a set of friends that don’t know one another to your house for dinner. It’s your house and you can invite who you like.

It’s not so normal to invite them to a restaurant unless you are paying for everyone. You are asking me to spend my own money on a get together with people I don’t know and might not like. I probably won’t risk that but if you are paying you call the shots and I’ll be more likely to take a punt on it.

But isn’t the point that they’re there to celebrate me?

I mean, I haven’t been to that many birthdays) maybe 3?) and I’ve always had to pay for myself.

My DH has experienced that scenario you’re proposing and he thought it was awkward.

one of the friends I’m planning to invite has her birthday in a few weeks and obviously we’re all paying for our own meals (that’s how I know she thinks the restaurant I like is pricey).

You don't have to do nothing. As I have said in previous responses, organise multiple events with the friends. This is what I do - I see one friend with her husband, we usually go for a meal and activity (crazy golf, escape room, axe throwing type things) and another friend I meet alone and we usually go for a drink, or do a craft activity together.

I think you have a weird idea in your head that having friends means they all come together at the same time. Also the idea of them celebrating you seems idealistic. From reading previous comments these friendships are quite new still, so of course people will say happy birthday, but I don't think it's as you imagine it would be.

I go out with them individually semi regularly (not the SAHM though!) so what’s the point in just doing what I regularly do with them?

also 3 out of 4 of these friendships are between 8 and 4 years old, I wouldn’t call them new…..

You are so over thinking it, ruminating now that you will take the fun and sparkle out of it - just get on with it now - decide what works best for you - get the invites out etc and enjoy it. You have said that you have made a real effort to make friends and you have achieved it - they all sound professional / socially capable of handling a night out in a restaurant or at your house meeting new people - everyone does this day in day out. If they can’t tolerate this then they will just decline the invite. Really what are your worst fears ? That they will have a mass brawl ? An unseemly scuffle at the steak house ? They all get shitfaced and it’s like a fight scene in a Western movie? Honestly work on your anxiety it’s sucking the joy out of your life!!!

Well true it’s just I would not have the confidence to think that a bunch of people would want to spend money to ‘celebrate me’ unless perhaps it was a very special birthday.

I think a meal out for someone’s birthday is more of a thing in a friendship group who know one another and go out regularly ans it’s the tradition in that group.

A dinner party at home classically is supposed to be a mix of people and some of the joy of it is meeting people you don’t know so well. Fair enough your DH didn’t like it but it is not considered generally socially odd to invite a mix of people to your home whereas to a restaurant I think it is. It’s an ask of them not an offer.

Surely the fear is they refuse and it leads OP to doubt her hard won friendships which would be a shame.

@Donotfitin I would book something fun to do. Cocktail making workshop where you all get a little tipsy along the way, that will keep the conversation going, followed by dinner.

Amy actual fear is that they won’t show up!