to be annoyed she is texting hearts to him at 11pm?

[BadMrsFrosty]

My husband was texting with his ex from many years ago yesterday.
Apparently she had a dream about him and got in touch after finding out a close relative passed away.
I have not seen the conversation and would never check my husband's phone, but I did see her last message to him at 11pm ended with a heart emoji.

We are middle aged and have been married forever. We have children. We are not immature 20 year olds and the relationship with this lady happened more than 2 decades ago.
But we have been working our way out of a rough patch in the marriage, and now I feel deeply annoyed.

Am I overreacting?

I don't think you're over reacting to be concerned DH is reconnecting with an ex during a rough patch in your marriage. I think that's a story as old as the hills.

I’ve had the same number since I first got a phone.

I think it depends on the context of the message, which you didn't see. For example, if your husband had written "Oh, you remember my old friend Paul who was always single - well he's finally met someone and got married".... Then she replied "Aw that's lovely - he was always a kind man ❤" Then that would be ok.

Or even, if your DH had written "All is well for me here - still happily married, and the kids are great and doing well at school" Then she replied "Oh I'm so pleased for you ❤" Then that's not too bad, surely?

But maybe I'm stretching a bit!

I do get your annoyance about how it could well be inappropriate.... just the texting so late, never mind the hearts. Try to rise above it and keep an eye on things.

Can't believe some of the responses saying that they put hearts on messages so it should all be fine. A man texting his ex at 11pm in the midddle of a 'rough patch' with his wife is not fine. If it looks like a pig and smells like a pig... Always trust your gut. That said if he wants to cheat he will cheat. Being angry or annoyed wont stop that. Be disappointed, hurt and say you think you are on different pages in your marriage. You dont have to accuse him of anything. if you do, he will deny it and you will argue. Explain this is unacceptable to you and if he wants your marriage to continue, you need to work together and he needs to have appropriate boundaries with other women. If he can't do that, the rough patch will go into a split. But mean it.

I would look at the messages and whether there is something in it or not he needs to stop messaging her.

God men are stupid. She’s recently single, has looked on the dating apps, have realised it’s grim out there and has reached out to an ex to see how the land lies and if there’s a chance there.

As old as the hills.

You probably wouldn't worry about it if you weren't going through a rough patch. People seem to send the heart emoji all the time now. Friends send them too.
Like another poster said I'd want to see the context of the msgs in general. You'd have to snoop then though and I couldn't do it as it would play with my mind. How did you react when he told you? Esp as it was a day later. Maybe it's because as you said you're a bit moody at the moment and so he put off telling you, at least he told you though.

Also, to add to what I said above.
You say she got in touch as a close relative passed away - do you mean a relative of your DH? The heart could be in the context of discussing that loss.

An heart emoji, I do this a lot and to me its I care sign. I have done it several times to younger colleagues that are going through a hard time. It certainly does not mean I want anything from them. Your looking too much into it. Remember on this site a lot of people want to see the bad in people.

This is the sort of thing I did in my silly naïve 20s! Even then I admit I was very immature in my 20s...

On the other hand - I work with men (engineering) from age 25 - 55ish who use the heart emoji in Teams after I've helped them on a project / deadline.

It is odd and never reciprocated but I do think they just use it willy nilly especially when they can't be bothered with typing "thanks" or continuing a conversation.

Oh dear !

Have you sent it to your ex at 11 at night while he is going through a hard time. From someone whose exH also got heart emojis from a college who was 'just a friend' but turned out to be having a year long affair with said collegue, always trust your gut OP. If you don't think it is right, then it probably isn't.

He needs to shut her down very firmly. She's looking for his attention and that should only be for you . I would want him to block and delete. Tell her to go find someone else to tell her dreams to. Boring .

I agree with almost everything you've said because I'm the same. However, I wouldn't be contacting an ex from decades ago unless I found myself single and I considered we had 'unfinished business' which I suspect is how this has started.

It could be innocent OP, but I would assume not.

Over my marriage I've been contacted twice by an ex (the same one twice a few years apart) via email. He presumably found me online from a Google search. It was nothing salacious, just general chit chat, did I want to meet etc . I didn't reply to either message and needless to say my dh was unamused another man was thinking about me.

I must admit I was flattered he still thought about me after so, but not so flattered I wanted to risk my marriage.

I’m glad you couldn’t bring yourself to snoop. If someone is at the point where they feel the need to invade someone’s
privacy then I can’t see there’s a relationship left anyway.

OMG, OP! You must feel like crap after these responses.

My DH has a difficult ex and he had to be pretty firm with her to get her to stop with the birthday and anniversary wishes, emoji’s included!

OP, forget about her, there is nothing you can do about her. She can do want she wants, she has no obligation to consider your feelings. You likewise can be angry with her, but why waste the time and energy?

It is your responsibility to speak to your DH about this. Did he respond to her text?

I would find it bizarre that your husband's ex, suddenly decided to track him down, because she had a dream about him (bad or otherwise) after having no contact for several decades. Contacting him after finding out a relative had passed, I can sort of understand, but after so long without contact, I'm not sure most would bother. Did she know your husband's relative, that passed away? For me, that might make a difference.

Heart emojis can be used in a variety of ways. It doesn't necessarily mean she's using it in a romantic way. I use X at the end of every text message I send, but it's meant in a friendly manner, not in a 'I love you' way.

I would do absolutely nothing for now. I wouldn't turn a hair and I would quietly watch what happens because what he does next is what everything hinges on and you don't want any external influence affecting that so slap a smile on your grid and go about your life to see if he meets her or continues to text/escalates.

She's on a massive fishing trip now she's single again. The dream thing is shockingly transparent but as a PP has stated. Men love that shit!

OMG, just read the messages when he's asleep! Or even just ask him to see them. When you share a life and a bed with a man, you have every right to know what he's up to.

I wouldn't put up with this at all. If there was anything even slightly flirty from her, I'd be calling her up and telling her to stop messaging my DH.

With my first H, I was always too scared of my own shadow to set boundaries. Maybe that's why I'm like this now. I will never take any shit again. And DH knows it.

My first H was sleeping with my best friend. Both denied it, swore on kids lives etc. Guess how I got to the truth? Yep, went through his phone when he was passed out drunk. And there it all was, in all its glory. Conversations about the sex they'd had. Months prior, it had started with texts from her saying things like "Just stepping into a nice bath with a glass of wine" .....texts designed to make him think about her naked.

Fuck. That. Shit.

@Blondiebeachbabe, I agree with you, OP read the message.

I read all of my DHs texts. We have nothing to hide from each other. I couldn’t be with someone that couldn’t talk to me about everything or with someone I couldn’t talk to about everything.

It is not about checking up on DH or invading his privacy, if someone would cheat on you or entertain dubious text messages from ex’s, your right to know, trumps their right to privacy.

My DH and I only have simple passcodes on our devices because of biometrics and know each other’s passwords.

Its weird, who contacts someone years later " because they had a dream about them?"
You're right to be concerned and if he doesn't see that you've got a problem.

And this must be the most useless piece of advice I have ever seen on here.

She’s an attention seeker. Tell him to block her.

From my experience on both sides, you have to really careful engaging with ex partners. Things are easily misconstrued by both parties, so using hearts or even kisses needs to be done with care.
I have been the partner and it is unsettling; but I was right to be suspicious - it was more than just friendly chatting. But also (many years later) I am married but in occasional contact with an old boyfriend, and am extremely careful to consider his partners feelings, even tho' I have never met her. I remember how it feels, so out of consideration for her I don't use hearts etc, and am careful not to get caught in a 'remember when..' thing. I know it hurts like hell, and I would not like to cause another woman to feel like that.

And equally irritating the fact he fails to mention it until a day later, as if I'm some jealous wife who gives a f*

But that's exactly what you are?