AIBU to think my MIL should stop commenting on my parenting?

[DearDog96]

DD turned 4 last month and is our only child (6 months pregnant with baby no. 2). She’s still not potty trained after several attempts, and after the most recent one in January we decided to go back to nappies for a bit to reset things and hopefully try again soon. She also still uses a dummy, mainly at night or at home when relaxing - we rarely let her use it when out and about, and has a bottle of milk at might to fall asleep with. I’ll admit we’ve probably babied her more than we should and been too lenient, but we’ll work on potty training once the weather improves and the dummy and bottle will hopefully go after that (one battle at once and all!). Her dentist has said her teeth are fine so far, so no immediate concerns over that. Over Easter the in-laws were visiting and my MIL kept making comments at DD, telling her she’s too old for nappies, dummies etc. and she’s gonna get bullied when she starts school in September.

I fully plan on having all these things solved in time for school, plus the world is a different place now compared to when she had her kids. AIBU to think she should just keep her nose out and let me parent how I want to

In your OP you said
She has a bottle of milk at might to fall asleep with

Now you’re saying
she normally only has her bottle before bed while we read a story etc. not to actually fall asleep.

So which is it?

Either way it’s completely unnecessary for a 4 year old to still have a baby bottle, a dummy and be in nappies. My main concern would be your (meaning you and her dad) desire to baby your healthy NT child for no reason at all, other than to meet your own needs of keeping her as your little baby. That to me is the real concern here and something I really think you need to address before you prevent her from developing as she should do and not reaching her full potential.

I’m not sure that’s it.

a dummy keeps her quiet when she’s crying,
a bottle makes her go to sleep faster and easier.
nappies saves the effort of potty training and taking her to the loo.

im not sure this is babying. It reads like very lazy parenting to me.

I think it’s both, but OP admitted in her posts that she babies DD.

Don't do if all goes well with the dummy you need to start potty training ASAP!

It's called training for a reason have 2-3 days no underwear before introducing trousers commando for a few days then pants a few days after that.
You can buy toddler leg warmers from amazon (we potty trained in October) if she doesn't like being naked/gets cold.

True, it’s bordering on neglect for me.and the grandmother clearly thought the pair of them were intent in sending her to school like this. Otherwise she’d not have mentioned school.

Oh Crap method is, imo, the best toilet training method.

I'm shocked, OP. You really need to sort all of these behaviours.

It was more just that the world is better these days at recognising that all kids develop in their own ways. Some hang on to babyish habits for longer than others. However that aside, I recognise we probably should’ve been more pushy with getting her off of these things

It was about 10 days I think

It’s both really, it depends on how quickly she drinks it. If she’s still got some left by the end of storytime then we tend to leave it with her

and it’s not like we’re making conscious efforts to baby her, it’s just a buildup of many different factors I guess rather than us going “ you know what let’s keep her in nappies etc.” but regardless, I’ve accepted things need to change

I have read your updates OP and noticed you said your dd is at playschool. What is the average age of kids going to playschool with her? If its much younger it maybe holding her back because she wont be learning kids her age wear pants, dont use dummies or bottles.

Came to say YANBU, and share my story of having to have a discussion with my stepmum about not openly slagging off our parenting, thhen read your OP fully and YABU.

For a NT child to reach 4yr and be not potty trained, having a bottle of milk at night, and using a dummy, is close to neglect of her physical and emotional needs. For possibly the first time on MN, your MIL is right.

This isn’t fair. She comes from a loving and happy home, with parents that are trying to raise her well. Yes we’ve been lax with certain things, but I think accusing us of neglect is a step too far

I’d say the majority are 3 and around 50% are still in nappies. I think that’s part of the reason there hasn’t been as much urgency until now

id Be inclined to agree that it’s neglect. You have failed/ neglected to parent her appropriately for her age. She is being treated like a 1 and a half year old

I don't even know what to make of this comment. It's your job as a parent to help them let go of their babyish ways. Not just simply abdicating responsibility to your DD.

Times have changed and I can't see its for the better if its somehow acceptable to leave children in nappies until they nearly start school. Long term use of dummies and bottles still have a detrimental impact to teeth no longer how long a child wants to hold onto them.

Does your DD also not go to any setting with kids her own age. Nursery is a personal decision but if she's not been in that type of setting, away from her parents then it's another major transition for her along with a new sibling.

OP I think it’s great you’re taking comments onboard but this really is about setting your DD up for a really good start to school.

My DS starts in September as well and we started potty training in Jan 2025. Even this weekend he’s had 2 wee accidents and not quite made it to the toilet on time for a number 2. He also didn’t get it but we didn’t go back to nappies, we just kept on persevering but he still struggles.

Hes also at nursery as I work full time and it’s really helped him to get into the circle time/reading corner, sharing toys, standing in a line etc. Don’t underestimate how far ahead a lot of other children will be in these ways as well.

I would take back the nappies now and start with the dummy and bottle. Don’t pussyfoot around now.

Even 3 is on the older end of not being potty trained. Having worked in pre school nurseries i would say 90 percent of 3 year olds are potty trained although some will still have accidents when they get engrossed in play so need reminded to go to the toilet frequently. Can you try put her into a pre school nursery to help her get school ready? Its really not beneficial for 4 year olds to be in playschool. They tend to be aimes at 2 to 3 year olds generally

I dunno, when I was a toddler I told my six months younger cousin that I didn't play with babies who wear nappies. She refused to wear a single one afterwards (awkward for her parents, they were in the middle of a holiday).

But your child isn't 3. She's four.

And you say that the world now notices kids develop later and hold on to their babyish ways. Well that's true and it's been very much seen to the detriment of the child by many child development experts.

It's literally been all over the news about kids going to school in nappies. Your child has a number of large number of transisitons coming up that you have evidently failed to prepare her for. I won't go as far as neglect, but it's far more than lax and it's seriously letting your child down. She deserves better than that.

It suprises me you as a nurse, have failed to notice any of the above.

If your DD is falling to sleep with any milk then I urge you to Google images of bottle caries. Her teeth might be ok now but you are setting her up for copious amounts of tooth decay which isn’t fair because you just can’t be bothered to parent her.

Parenting takes effort. All this “they’ll do it in their own time…” doesn’t sit right with me. When she goes to school are you expecting the teacher to hold fire while she waits until she’s ready “in her own time” to start learning to read, or to sit and follow instructions? When she goes to school, she needs to be not only out of nappies, but able to use the toilet independently. It’s imperative that you start this now.

DS2 was 3yrs 8mths when he started school. He had been out of nappies for well over a year, could dress himself, including buttons, put his own coat and shoes on, and do what the teacher expected of him.

@DearDog96 you should never leave a child with a bottle. Their teeth need to be brushed after the bottle.

Is there a reason you haven’t sent your DD to pre school? It’s not just for childcare but to get them ready for school.

Have you ever left your DD with anyone that isn’t a relative?

Sorry but you're making excuses. In the absence of medical reasons (or unless the habit is a very minor and unobtrusive one) the world simply doesn't recognise that at all. This "times have changed" mantra is something you've clearly adopted to suit your own narrative.

In that case she can’t be brushing her teeth after having the milk, if you’re leaving it with her while she falls asleep even just sometimes. It’s just so bad for her teeth. I’m surprised with that and the dummy that her teeth are ‘fine’. They won’t stay fine.

What is her sleep like?

Just because you don't agree with it doesn't mean it isn't true. It's certainly borderline neglect and just pure laziness... particularly given if your MIL hadn't said anything you wouldn't have made any changes.