AIBU to think my MIL should stop commenting on my parenting?

[DearDog96]

DD turned 4 last month and is our only child (6 months pregnant with baby no. 2). She’s still not potty trained after several attempts, and after the most recent one in January we decided to go back to nappies for a bit to reset things and hopefully try again soon. She also still uses a dummy, mainly at night or at home when relaxing - we rarely let her use it when out and about, and has a bottle of milk at might to fall asleep with. I’ll admit we’ve probably babied her more than we should and been too lenient, but we’ll work on potty training once the weather improves and the dummy and bottle will hopefully go after that (one battle at once and all!). Her dentist has said her teeth are fine so far, so no immediate concerns over that. Over Easter the in-laws were visiting and my MIL kept making comments at DD, telling her she’s too old for nappies, dummies etc. and she’s gonna get bullied when she starts school in September.

I fully plan on having all these things solved in time for school, plus the world is a different place now compared to when she had her kids. AIBU to think she should just keep her nose out and let me parent how I want to

At night is worse for bottle as milk pools in the mouth and causes tooth decay.

This

Absolutely this. It’s what they get taught at pre school, can you do up your coat and shoes. Can you line up and sit on the carpet
or use cutlery.

School will not help if your DD has accidents, as in, they won’t change her. So you really need to crack this.

Maybe concentrate on one thing at a time. Also, don’t expect her to be dry at night as until they are in the day she won’t be at night.

she normally only has her bottle before bed while we read a story etc. not to actually fall asleep.
And yes of course I know it’s on the later side, but you’d be surprised how many I see approaching 4 every day with at least one of these things. Both at the hospital and playgroup (granted they’re mainly 3 rather than 4). So while yes I know she’s at the slower end of getting the hang of the toilet etc. I didn’t see it as quite as big of a problem as I should’ve. She seems pretty well developing in other areas - her speech is good etc. and no signs of any ND.

I agree with your MIL.

Then this one is on you op, so you need to support her now, it’s not ok to delay or not do so.

its normally DH that will look after her if I’m on a day shift so he can definitely help! Although there seems to be a variety of opinions as to what needs sorting most urgently!

Sounds like your MIL has helped by interfering then as you’ve been so clueless. First time parent isn't an excuse. Hopefully you will treat this whole thing like a bit of a wake up call

She just wasn’t getting it at all. Not telling us when she needed to go, lots and lots of accidents. Which then meant she ended up getting frustrated cos we had to leave places to go and get changed. Sticker charts, bribes etc. none of it she really cared about

Well the bottle and dummy are quick fixes... you literally just stop.

Potty training needs consistency and a solid few days of going nowhere... it doesn't matter which parent or a combo of both or whatever but it needs a consistent approach. Why do you think it didn't work before, especially in January? I'd recommend just getting rid of the dummy now, and then order some books on amazon and start reading those throughout the week with her and start talking about how she's going to use the bug girl toilet and make it exciting. Then start at the weekend with your DH following through to next week. Maybe get some stickers as a reward everytime she does a wee in the toilet etc.

But why were you going places when she wasn't trained... you literally need to stay at home until she gets the hang of it

This all sounds par the course for toilet training I'm afraid. We had loads of accidents for weeks, multiple changes of clothes and the frustration when we were out. You'll get frustrated, she'll get frustrated but it's just one of these things you have to grit your teeth and get on with.

But that’s normal. That’s why it’s called training, you can’t expect her to just be dry. And you said up thread you were on nights?

I guess so, and it changes month by month so we can at least spend some time being awake with the rest of society!

A child doesn't just get toilet training. You have to take her every hour to the potty or toilet and stay with her, talk about doing a wee or a poo and wait for it too happen. Just because you put her in knickers doesn't mean she'll tell you when she needs to go. She needs the experience of weeing in a potty to understand what's required and you need to be with her and wait patiently while it happens.

Honestly the oh crap method is the best way for toilet training the trickier kids, just schedule a free weekend and go for it.

Team MIL.

@DearDog96 "the world is a different place now compared to when she had her kids."

What does that even mean? It's a silly comment. Yes, it was totally unacceptable for a 4 year old to still be in nappies 3 decades ago and it's equally unacceptable in 2026! As for the bottle and dummy, again not acceptable at her age. Your MIL is thinking about your DD and how humiliated she'll be when she starts school.

How long did you attempt training for? Ime a good 2 weeks is needed.

She's probably been biting her lip for years.

I'm a grandparent who keeps quiet and doesn't give advice that sometimes I'd love to give. But there comes a point when the child comes first, and as a loving grandma I'd be really worried about your DD, and I'd probably not have lasted anywhere near as long as your MIL has.

But anyway, you seem to have recognised that you need to step up, so she's done you a favour. Good luck with it all.

Yep, three (going on four) decades ago when I had my kids, not being toilet trained by two years old was unusual. And children weren't accepted at playgroups (from 2yrs 9 months) if they weren't trained.

A kid who was 4 a month ago could have just arrived in Reception, and would get VERY short shrift there, if they were completely untrained and in nappies. An August-born 4 starts school a month later!

You need to get on this pronto. September will be here before you know it, and it would be far easier on you to get this sorted before the new baby comes.

I agree with a previous poster, either you or DH needs to take a week off work and make this your sole mission.

I think that you need to thank your MIL because that in turn, prompted you to post on here because you now know that you and your partner need to 100% start addressing things.
ND aside, a four year old doesn’t need a dummy. They also don’t need a bottle of milk at night (she’ll never be dry at night with that!) and you guys need to take some time out and bite the bullet with the toilet training.
Blimey.

Absolutely. I didn't know a single child still in nappies after the age of 2. And you're right about play groups.

Op it’s your phrasing thay bothers me, and I suspect many other posters. Thay she should let you parent how you wish, keep her nose out, thay your child just didn’t get it, bizzarely didn’t want stickers or rewards, you’ve been too lenient on her, too laid back.

none of thid speaks to your responsibility to this little girl. For you to invest the time and effort to teach her. It reads like you think she should just do it, it’s not your responsibility and her grandmother should keep her mouth shut when she sees the state she’s in.

its all really concerning. You even wanted to put this off to the summer in your op. When you’d have a new born. Then you wanted to use the new born as a way to make it happen.

if you don’t know how, can’t be arsed, don’t wish to, then ask her grandmother for help. But you need to put your child’s needs first now. Not yours.