AIBU to feel hurt that I still have not met DS's girlfriend?

[Cateine]

Hi all, I have 2 DS, my eldest DS is engaged, he is 30 and I would say I have a very good relationship with his fiancée. My younger DS is 28. He has been in a new relationship for a little while now, I believe they started dating in October and became official just after Christmas.
As far as I know I’ve never caused any problems with either of my son’s partners or exes, my youngest sons ex and I used to go for brunch fairly often but he has been single for over 2 years before his current partner.
We all live in London and meet up between once a fortnight and once a month.
I know his new girlfriend has incidentally met both DH and DS1, this was during 6 nations when they’d go to the pub together and I didn’t go. Last weekend DS2 went to her home country with her for 3 nights and met her entire family.
Today DS2 came over lunch and I asked when I would get fo meet his girlfriend, thinking he might set up a date for us to go for lunch or dinner or even just a coffee.
He said oh I don’t know, we are both busy right now with work. Which I do understand but I’m not asking them to give me hours and hours, and later in the afternoon he told me they are going to Paris for a concert in a couple of weeks and a few other things they are doing so they clearly aren’t so busy that they don’t have a second to spare.
I asked DS just before he left if there was a reason I am the only person in either of their immediate families to have not met her. He said no, it’s just not something we are prioritising right now.

AIBU to feel upset that DS has met her entire family and DH, DS1 and my 2 nephews have all met her but I haven’t?

Im really worried that I’ve done something in the past and not known about it, and now he is nervous to introduce her, but If he won’t tell me when I ask how can I fix it?

Why didn’t you join them at the pub? Seems rude even if you don’t follow the sport
You could of popped in for a quick drink

Eh? Why on earth does it matter? I have DC the same age and it wouldn’t occur to me to ask about meeting a boy/girlfriend. Why didn’t you go to the pub when they were all there?

I didn’t know she was going to be there, or I would have done. DS didn’t tell me about it at all.

DH just told me he was going to the pub to watch the rugby with DS1 and 2. Only when he got back did he tell DS2s new girlfriend had been there and that he wasn’t expecting that either.

Well she matters to DS, and therefor matters to me. Yes he is an adult and it’s not my business but I thought it was fairly normal for parents to look forward to meeting their children’s partners?

I would have gone to the pub had I known she would be there, I didn’t know she would be.

Well, I would look forward to it, but I wouldn’t ever suggest it to them. It’s overstepping the mark a bit. That’s up to them to bring up. Eg, my DD said she’d like to bring her boyfriend round for dinner. They’d been going out for about 18 months by then.

That’s interesting. With both of my sons previous partners it’s always been in the 6 months or so after they started dating.
Maybe it’s just because she has met everyone else and this is different from what has happened in the past, that in worrying about having potentially caused upset.
I wouldn’t feel this way if they clearly just weren’t at the meeting parents phase yet.

You could have gone to meet them at the pub.

You’re making a really big deal out of this. He hasn’t even been seeing her that long.

It’s completely reasonable that they’re prioritising things like a trip to Paris.

Like I said, I had no idea she was at the pub!

It’s fairly normal for DH to meet up with the boys for 6 nations and this was about week 4, so I wasn’t going to go every week just incase.
DH plans this with the boys himself, I’m not involved in the planning of it, and DH said he didn’t know she would be there until DS and his girlfriend arrived.

Maybe he thinks she isn’t going to be a very long-standing girlfriend.

I think it’s more likely the opposite, he only talks about her in the most positive way and I doubt he’d be planning trips and going to her home country to visit her family if it wasn’t something he was hoping would be long term?

When you invited DS over for lunch, did you explicitly invite GF as well? Have you invited her to a coffee or lunch meet up?

I've only recently met DS1's girlfriend. He's 32 and they've been together almost two years! I gather it started off very casually and has only become more serious in the last few months. We ended up meeting by accident when I called round to his house and she was there (they don't live together). She's lovely, we've met a few times since and we get on like a house on fire. DS didn't want the potential awkwardness of arranging something formally, he wanted us to meet up by chance whenever it happened. I'm OK with that, he's always been quite private about his relationships.

I don’t actually invite DS over tbh!
He just shows up!

But yes like I said today I asked when would be good to meet her and was shut down, and I asked on Mother’s Day too and was shut down as well, (I did invite her for Mother’s Day lunch but she was busy).

Just message him and say would you and ‘girlfriend! Like to go out for Sunday lunch on 26th April? See what he says

I don’t know if this is a good idea?
When I asked today he explicitly said they are busy and it’s not a priority right now.
I worry messaging just hours later trying to make plans would come across as though I’m not listening and being pushy.

Just leave them alone for goodness sake!

For whatever reason, he doesn't want a "formal" meeting if you have suggested a lunch twice and he has shut it down.

Stop suggesting it, and don't mention her again. If and when it occurs it will either be accidentally as it was with DH, or it will be on their terms.

Could she have been busy with her own mum on mother’s day?

No, I know her own mother has sadly passed away and DS mentioned to me on Mother’s Day she was out with friends, and in her home country Mother’s Day isn’t until may, so she acknowledges Mother’s Day then.

You ARE being massively pushy! They only became a couple after Christmas so at most that’s three and a half months. Just cool your jets - you sound utterly suffocating.

I would just leave it a few weeks and then ring and invite them for a pub lunch or something. Don't make a big deal of it, just go with the flow - you're going to meet her at some point and you want it to be relaxed, not stressy!

My Ds 26 has been with his girlfriend since October as well. I’ve asked when we will get to meet her and been met with a hard “never, you’re all mad”
to be fair he’s not wrong 😀
I’m sure your Ds will introduce her when he feels ready. As will mine hopefully.

I mean this kindly but some people aren’t keen on being involved in the wider family after just a few months. Wait to be asked. It might take a while but that’s up to them.

Its concerning that you automatically think it’s about you though. Step back and let them get on with it. He’s 30 - I’m sure he will involve you when they are ready.

I imagine it's something they don't want make a big deal of, meeting up for dinner cross examination happy for you to meet her when they've been together longer or if it happens naturally. I doubt it's anything personal.

My son is quite secretive with his love life...one girl i only met after he'd been with her well over a year..
It doesnt worry me its just the way it is...im pretty sure when he meets the 'one' then he will be keener to introduce us all.
Incidentally im in an 8 month old relationship and ive not introduced him to my adult children...simply because i dont love the man and im going to end the relationship (ive got the ick).