AIBU to feel hurt that I still have not met DS's girlfriend?

[Cateine]

Hi all, I have 2 DS, my eldest DS is engaged, he is 30 and I would say I have a very good relationship with his fiancée. My younger DS is 28. He has been in a new relationship for a little while now, I believe they started dating in October and became official just after Christmas.
As far as I know I’ve never caused any problems with either of my son’s partners or exes, my youngest sons ex and I used to go for brunch fairly often but he has been single for over 2 years before his current partner.
We all live in London and meet up between once a fortnight and once a month.
I know his new girlfriend has incidentally met both DH and DS1, this was during 6 nations when they’d go to the pub together and I didn’t go. Last weekend DS2 went to her home country with her for 3 nights and met her entire family.
Today DS2 came over lunch and I asked when I would get fo meet his girlfriend, thinking he might set up a date for us to go for lunch or dinner or even just a coffee.
He said oh I don’t know, we are both busy right now with work. Which I do understand but I’m not asking them to give me hours and hours, and later in the afternoon he told me they are going to Paris for a concert in a couple of weeks and a few other things they are doing so they clearly aren’t so busy that they don’t have a second to spare.
I asked DS just before he left if there was a reason I am the only person in either of their immediate families to have not met her. He said no, it’s just not something we are prioritising right now.

AIBU to feel upset that DS has met her entire family and DH, DS1 and my 2 nephews have all met her but I haven’t?

Im really worried that I’ve done something in the past and not known about it, and now he is nervous to introduce her, but If he won’t tell me when I ask how can I fix it?

I’m glad that my parents weren’t involved in my love life when I was that age. (Tbf there were so many that even I didn’t know most of their names)

Sounds like he’s happy to meet when it’s fuming and low pressure, but doesn’t want to do a meet the parents grilling. The more pressure you put on the harder he’ll pull back

Is she French? The family thing can be very intense here. My DD2 finds it difficult to negotiate- every Sunday with PIL. I’ve been here 30 years had 2 French DH. I won’t do it either. So it may be less to do with you than you imagine.

You are overthinking this. They haven’t been official for that long and it sounds like you are quite intense. A few hours down the pub watching sport is very different to lunch or coffee to ‘meet the mother’. You don’t need to meet her yet - he’ll let you know when he’s ready.

I agree it’s not a good idea, tbh I think it wasn’t a good idea complaining to your son about not meeting her
just take a step back and see what happens, you’re reading far too much into this and making it about yourself, she’ll be round soon I’m sure but it makes it pretty unappealing if she and your son feel under pressure to do so

Maybe she doesn’t feel like she wants or needs to meet you until she’s more comfortable within the relationship, it can feel like a big deal. Don’t push it, if he relays that ‘mum really wants to meet you’ then it’s not going to improve anything.

Sometimes a cultural difference can affect their decision too, I didn’t meet my DS’s Indian GF until they’d been together for about a year. My DS only met her dad recently and they’ve been together for almost 3 years.

It's still really early. I'd forget all about it and take son's lead, he'll introduce her when they're ready. Having expectations can lead to disappointment and come across as pushy so I'd let go of those for now to avoid getting off on the wrong foot.

Honestly it might just have happened that they all met and she may not want it to be a formal thing. Saying that I’d feel left out/ find it a pity too.

The rest of the family accidentally met her. In normal circs I would say this was a complete non issue, but the fact you are making a song and dance about this makes me wonder if in fact he is keeping her away a little bit for now.

Hardly surprising she doesn't want to celebrate someone else's mother then?! How insensitive!

I'd understand more if they had been together years, but they've been dating a few months.

I never said it was surprising, or placed any pressure on her to attend. Someone asked if I’d actually invited her and I was replying to that.

Of course I didn’t expect her to be there considering the circumstances, but I extended the invite as it’s polite and we had invited DS1s partner.

I think this is very early to be worrying about it. If they get to a year in and you still haven’t met her I would be a little bit concerned at that point.

Well, for whatever reason, OP, your ds does not want this, so stop pushing, leave him alone and get on with your life. He'll organise it when they are ready.

I don't think I ever took any of my boyfriends home to 'meet' my mum. From that moment on, the expectation and curiosity would have been constant and not something I would have enjoyed.

Just leave it be and it will come across as being pushy because you are being pushy

Im sure you don’t mean to, but by asking why you are the only one who hasn’t met her, you are pressuring him and potentially her. A casual meeting down the pub is very different from ‘meeting the parents’.

You don’t want to risk scaring her off or coming across as the ‘interfering MIL’ type presumably. Not all girlfriends have or want to have a close relationship with their boyfriend’s mother.

Let your DS deal with it

Can I ask why you would be ‘concerned’ if you hadn’t met them a year in?

Just that in my experience of relationships and experience with ds so far, it would be quite odd for parents not to set eyes on a relationship partner by that sort of time, and would make me wonder if they knew really that the person had major drawbacks that would be obvious if we met.

It sounds like it will happen naturally at some stage and you need to relax about it. As long as your DS knows she would be welcome - which I think you have made clear - there is not much more you can do at the moment.

I would feel like you do - it is so hard letting go but you have to so that they will happily come back.

When you said you went out to brunch with his previous girlfriend, do you.think you might have been over friendly with her and your son is trying to avoid you being over enthusiastic about the new girlfriend? Seems he was quite relaxed about the pub but not meeting you which must obviously hurt but are you sure there isn't anything that might stop him bringing her to.the house.

Okay but a lot of people wouldn’t bat an eyelid. The DS is 30, not 13.

If they get serious enough to move in together/get engaged then fair enough but other than that, meeting the parents should be completely optional.

In general I do think it is odd how invested some mothers are in their son’s personal lives though and can see how that can develop into issues once they get married.

I get that you want to meet her but my advise would be to back off and keep it breezy.
So if going for lunch or coming around for dinner or bbq etc then simply say of course your gf is welcome to come too then change the subject to something else.

She might have some apprehension about a formal meeting (especially if English isn't her first language) or he's just not there yet.

Don't make it into a thing as it risks blowing up on you.

That’s what I wondered. Being upset she’s the only one not to have met her and wondering if she has done anything wrong does indicate she’s a bit ‘full-on’.

I didn't meet my MIL until well over a year into our relationship. It wasn't anything to do with our relationship.

It very much was down to MIL and DHs relationship and her being over bearing/difficult. DH wanted to protect me from her snide remarks.

Make sure he knows she’s welcome at low key family occasions-fun stuff like bbqs or birthdays. Going round to meet the mother for Sunday lunch is cringe and too high pressure, as is Mother’s Day lunch.

make sure he knows they’re welcome, but stop with the pressure. It makes it seem like she needs your approval

Happening to be at the pub when his father and brother are is casual, a meet my mum Sunday lunch is pretty full on