AIBU to feel hurt that I still have not met DS's girlfriend?

[Cateine]

Hi all, I have 2 DS, my eldest DS is engaged, he is 30 and I would say I have a very good relationship with his fiancée. My younger DS is 28. He has been in a new relationship for a little while now, I believe they started dating in October and became official just after Christmas.
As far as I know I’ve never caused any problems with either of my son’s partners or exes, my youngest sons ex and I used to go for brunch fairly often but he has been single for over 2 years before his current partner.
We all live in London and meet up between once a fortnight and once a month.
I know his new girlfriend has incidentally met both DH and DS1, this was during 6 nations when they’d go to the pub together and I didn’t go. Last weekend DS2 went to her home country with her for 3 nights and met her entire family.
Today DS2 came over lunch and I asked when I would get fo meet his girlfriend, thinking he might set up a date for us to go for lunch or dinner or even just a coffee.
He said oh I don’t know, we are both busy right now with work. Which I do understand but I’m not asking them to give me hours and hours, and later in the afternoon he told me they are going to Paris for a concert in a couple of weeks and a few other things they are doing so they clearly aren’t so busy that they don’t have a second to spare.
I asked DS just before he left if there was a reason I am the only person in either of their immediate families to have not met her. He said no, it’s just not something we are prioritising right now.

AIBU to feel upset that DS has met her entire family and DH, DS1 and my 2 nephews have all met her but I haven’t?

Im really worried that I’ve done something in the past and not known about it, and now he is nervous to introduce her, but If he won’t tell me when I ask how can I fix it?

When a son is lazy about contact with his own family it is hard for his mother. My xh was one of 3 boys and he was shite at keeping his mother in the loop and so we're his brothers! If she'd been less snotty about me i might have stepped in ...

Current husband - yep he's shite at keeping his mum in the loop! We're together 20 years now and his mum is odd but very nice and i have always elbowed DH into phone calls to her and remembering cards ect.

My eldest DD - married 2 years - her DH is awful at keeping in touch with his mother. DD feels bad but feels it's not her job. Different generation thing? Dunno.

Why does this happen though? I have 4 DDs and no sons so only see one side.

Because mothers of sons often can’t let go of their little boys.

I didn’t suggest it was for anyone but Op to deal with?

She’s not really dealing with it though is she? She’s terrified she will lose her baby boy to the evil gf’s family who he keeps going on about

Yes. I agree. And it must be hurtful for the Op.

Someone at the table should have kicked him in the shin and got him to shut up about the recent weekend.

Yeah that will definitely not push him further towards his girlfriend and her family 🙄

The reaction from the OP about him talking about his weekend is slightly troubling. It’s not a competition. There’s clearly a lot of jealousy involved and it will drive him away if he can’t even talk about time spent with his gf and her family.

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta Who’d have thunk it?

Maybe he found you going for brunch with me his ex awkward when they broke up - or possibly before.

Why do you think he should have been made to shut up then?

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta do you always have to have things said tongue in cheek explained to you?

There's suggesting & being curious... then there's complaining you're the only one that hasn't met them, complaining that they're not so busy they can have fun together & pushing it.

mind you if my son told me my feelings were not a priority I'd not be too chuffed & id wonder where I'd gone wrong.

Can I just make it clear. I’m not complaining to DS at all. I came here to share my feelings and vent a little.

I mentioned to DS very very casually in a family group chat text before Mother’s Day
“Hey lunch is at x time, let me know what drinks you want and xxx is welcome to join”.
He replied she was busy, I didn’t ask more than that. He then shared more at lunch, unprompted. I asked if he would like us to do something together and he said maybe after Easter.
Yesterday was after Easter so I followed up as anyone would do if they had been told that, then when it was a no, I asked if there was an issue. Not to cause drama but because if there was an issue I’d rather know and be able to improve upon it, than not know.

I really don’t feel like it’s fair my comments here in a space where I am venting are being translated as my approach with DS.

Im fully aware it’s early days, I’m fully aware I don’t have a right to meet her and that it’s fully up to them. Im just saying that it hurts a little to be left out. This isn’t the norm for DS he has always introduced previous partners quickly, and I am the only immediate family member who hasn’t been introduced on both sides. I think it’s fair that I might wonder if that’s because of something I have done.

Of course I’m not going to mention it again, I only mentioned it yesterday as I was following up.

Maybe after Easter does not mean as soon as Easter is over you chase again and then when told no, you follow up asking about issues.

honestly, stop focusing on defending your position and take the comments here on board. You are coming across as full on.

I have said I’m not going to mention it again?

What more do you want me to do?

This is a public forum, I am more than allowed to defend myself and I think if someone says after Easter, it is fair to ask. If I didn’t ask I’m sure I would be accused of not taking an interest or making an effort and people would complain that it shouldn’t be all on them to make plans and it works both ways.

Well in your first post you said you were worried that you’d done something wrong and wanted to know how to fix it. So one assumed you wanted to know what you’d done wrong and how to fix it…

Accused by who? What people?

They became official just after Christmas, it's not that long. They're young, they're busy, and I assume they don't want to settle down into being a family oriented couple. Just let them enjoy their lives and have a good time! If she's the one, you will meet her when the time is right.

I think you are over reacting and being a bit controlling. on this tbh.
I think your son should be given the right to, or.not to introduce his girlfriend to you when he is good and ready.

Maybe she is not ready or just doesn't want to meet you..Have you thought of that?

Just get on with your life instead of trying to run his.

I didn't meet my youngest DS s girlfriend for 2 years ! I had no idea why she didn't want to meet me as I'm far from being an ogre . It was upsetting so I know how you feel .

They are married now and I have a good relationship with her .

When they are not funny, yes.

Again, it isn’t about you though. It’s just not right to be that jealous that everyone else has met her and that he had met her family.

It sounds like you get very involved with your sons’ love lives and girlfriends.

Do you think your son hasn’t picked up on your hurt feelings? You and he are clearly close so of course he can tell. But at what stage do you start to let go?

Again I thought this was a safe space to vent and process feelings.
Im not a saint, sometimes I get upset that’s perfectly natural. I’m not trying to control him, I felt a feeling, I shared it, I’m over it now!

This sounds like it’s been festering for a while. You have obviously been very involved.

Also it’s okay to vent but people have the right to give their opinions. There is no such thing as a ‘safe space’.

I think I'm starting to see why the son isn't rushing to organise the big meet. I'm exhausted just reading the thread.

If he doesn't want to introduce you to her just get over it,don't ask again, but if he talks to you about her just show little interest, gray rock him and change the subject. If he says anything, just say why would I have any interest in someone ive never met,am I not good enough.

As the gf I'd think it strange my bf hasn't introduced me to him mum be he has the rest of his immediate family. Would love to know the backstory he's told her