AIBU to feel hurt that I still have not met DS's girlfriend?

[Cateine]

Hi all, I have 2 DS, my eldest DS is engaged, he is 30 and I would say I have a very good relationship with his fiancée. My younger DS is 28. He has been in a new relationship for a little while now, I believe they started dating in October and became official just after Christmas.
As far as I know I’ve never caused any problems with either of my son’s partners or exes, my youngest sons ex and I used to go for brunch fairly often but he has been single for over 2 years before his current partner.
We all live in London and meet up between once a fortnight and once a month.
I know his new girlfriend has incidentally met both DH and DS1, this was during 6 nations when they’d go to the pub together and I didn’t go. Last weekend DS2 went to her home country with her for 3 nights and met her entire family.
Today DS2 came over lunch and I asked when I would get fo meet his girlfriend, thinking he might set up a date for us to go for lunch or dinner or even just a coffee.
He said oh I don’t know, we are both busy right now with work. Which I do understand but I’m not asking them to give me hours and hours, and later in the afternoon he told me they are going to Paris for a concert in a couple of weeks and a few other things they are doing so they clearly aren’t so busy that they don’t have a second to spare.
I asked DS just before he left if there was a reason I am the only person in either of their immediate families to have not met her. He said no, it’s just not something we are prioritising right now.

AIBU to feel upset that DS has met her entire family and DH, DS1 and my 2 nephews have all met her but I haven’t?

Im really worried that I’ve done something in the past and not known about it, and now he is nervous to introduce her, but If he won’t tell me when I ask how can I fix it?

It's been 6 months. That's still middle of the honeymoon period, and no reason to meet the parents yet.

As you say, you're projecting that it's something against you because you feel the rest of her and his family have met them as a couple. But that's your projection and you don't know the background to the visits.

Come back and complain if you haven't met her after 2 years, but for now, please manage your own anxiety and wait until they're ready for it, stop being pushy .

Well I agree with you, OP.

I'd be suspicious if I'd had strange answers like "not prioritising this right now".

Hmm. Can't your husband find out what's going on?

It’s code for “back off, Mother”

Don't worry and don't whinge to DS.
If the girlfriend is a keeper then you will meet her soon enough.

Ask them over for a meal after they have been to Paris.

It’s a bit off he basically said “you’re not a priority, Mum”. Kind of rude. Could have kept that to himself. But there’s nothing untoward or off about not having met her yet. You’re not the #1 woman in his life anymore, and they will do what works best for him, for her, for them and then for you. There’s obviously a reason they don’t want you two to meet (could be anything: she’s forceful, you’re forceful, makes the relationship formal, you’d ask too many questions, fear a personality clash, she’s too shy, she’s had bad experiences with a MIL type before - anything). Just leave these two grown adults alone. They’ll come when they’re ready b

Noooooooooo - let the DS decide when he’s ready, OP needs to take a step back

Well she isn’t a priority in his relationship with his girlfriend…

Calm your jets!

The Mothers Day thing makes complete sense - objectively you must know that.

And meeting casually at the pub has a very different vibe. Like it or not you are being a bit “much”. Chill out or you may create an issue where there isn’t one.

I don’t think he’s said his mum isn’t a priority. I think “too busy” is him diplomatically trying to say this is too intense.

Well, in the course of an adult relationship in which one party has stayed with the other’s family, and the other has met everyone but one person, and they travel together and do weekends together, meeting the last remaining member of the family (a mother, at that not a sibling or cousin) for coffee - an hour, tops - would hardly be a question of prioritising OP in the relationship. But going out of your way to say that that coffee isn’t a priority is making a point, quite a hurtful one I think.

I appreciate I’m overthinking it and I will completely back off.

I think as a mother to only boys, I often have this fear that when they get into long term relationships we will be forgotten in favour of the girlfriends family, I think hearing DS tell me all about her family home, her dad, her siblings, her grandparents, aunts, uncles and what they all did at Easter, really brought this fear out.

I understand it’s early days and not that deep, but he has also just done a full weekend with her extended family and not shut up about it over lunch, so I wouldn’t say they just aren’t at that level yet.

Anyway I will let it go, and trust that when he wants me to meet her I will.

Exactly -ADULT relationship. Nothing to do with anyone else. Did you miss that he is 28?

OP sounds really intense. It’s six months in, only four since it was official. They met the other family members casually. Just because they have met her folks is irrelevant.

He has his reasons (and is the only one who knows both parties well) and if the OP wants to avoid potential MIL-from-hell vibes she needs to step back.

Unfortunately you can’t do anything about his relationship with her family. It may be how you have written it but you do sound a little possessive - he’s 28! Thats not great from the gf point of view.

If you make it about your feelings and disappointment, you will in fact push him away completely.

They’ve only been going out 6 months or so. You’re sounding rather pushy.

But do you not realise that the reason there is a trope about the man's family getting pushed aside in favour of the girlfriends, is because of the patriarchal setup where maintaining social family connections often becomes an unspoken 'woman's job' and men so often leave that labour to their partners and dont bother to make plans with their families themselves, so naturally a woman will end up arranging/communicating more with her own side of the family because she is closer to them, and maybe also because she doesnt feel like she should shoulder the effort of a partner keeping in touch with his own family, and the partner cant be bothered to do it himself, so it doesnt happen. So if you have raised a son who makes the effort and plans things, then you dont have anything to worry about.

I think there’s a real difference between a family event, like Easter or a birthday and bringing a GF or BF along to that versus a “meet the parents” type meal.

I think most people are quite happy with something like that- indeed that kind of meeting is how your husband met her. I think my parents want me to bring you round for Sunday lunch sounds stuffy, dated and high pressure.

“Not shut up about it”

yikes

Yes, I’d agree. But he could just say that. “Alright mum, you will. Just give us some breathing space please - we’re not ready for a big reveal just yet”.

I think the use of “the big reveal” is telling. She probably doesn’t want to be “revealed” to you.

It sounds like he is uncomfortable about you pushing. He will know you are sad/disappointed etc and it might come across as you have made his relationship about you.

Do you have a job or hobbies? Kindly, you need to let your sons live their lives - they are old enough.

I think you need to address your relationship with your sons before you risk losing them completely. You don’t want to end up being one of this nightmare MILs beloved of AIBU!

It’s also because, as the OP admits, some mothers are so worried about ‘losing’ their sons when they get involved in a serious relationship. And so they become intense and want to be the priority. Look at the MIL threads

Do you just want to meet because your DH and other DS have met her and he has met her family? Are you just feeling left out? I would back off the idea for a while and he’ll fetch her to meet you when he’s ready. If they’ve only been official since Christmas, they’ve only been together over 3 months

From a previous post it seems like she’s panicking about ‘losing’ him to her family

I read that but it also comes across as OP is feeling left out

Yes but that’s for her to deal with.

What happens if she meets the GF and they don’t become close friends?

My paternal grandmother resented my mother for ‘taking her son away’ (he was 28 when they married!). It caused a lot of issues which were never resolved.

Personally i hated the 'meeting the mothers' bit of dating. I would put it off as long as possible. Maybe she's like this?

Maybe your son is/was relaxed about seeing her family and enjoyed the trip abroad. Something new. More exciting than just a trip to the local Hungry Horse to eat with a bunch of strangers so it happened quite soon and he had fun.

I don't get the feeling he's actively excluded you. If you'd have been at the pub you'd have met her and that would have been that.

What i DO think is that he might have mentioned that his x and you were v pally. As a girlfriend that would make me even less keen to meet the MIL! But that's out of anyone's control. It is what it is.

Main thing is it's VERY early days. Less than 6 months. Back right off and let them come to you.

Dont mention it