AIBU to feel hurt that I still have not met DS's girlfriend?

[Cateine]

Hi all, I have 2 DS, my eldest DS is engaged, he is 30 and I would say I have a very good relationship with his fiancée. My younger DS is 28. He has been in a new relationship for a little while now, I believe they started dating in October and became official just after Christmas.
As far as I know I’ve never caused any problems with either of my son’s partners or exes, my youngest sons ex and I used to go for brunch fairly often but he has been single for over 2 years before his current partner.
We all live in London and meet up between once a fortnight and once a month.
I know his new girlfriend has incidentally met both DH and DS1, this was during 6 nations when they’d go to the pub together and I didn’t go. Last weekend DS2 went to her home country with her for 3 nights and met her entire family.
Today DS2 came over lunch and I asked when I would get fo meet his girlfriend, thinking he might set up a date for us to go for lunch or dinner or even just a coffee.
He said oh I don’t know, we are both busy right now with work. Which I do understand but I’m not asking them to give me hours and hours, and later in the afternoon he told me they are going to Paris for a concert in a couple of weeks and a few other things they are doing so they clearly aren’t so busy that they don’t have a second to spare.
I asked DS just before he left if there was a reason I am the only person in either of their immediate families to have not met her. He said no, it’s just not something we are prioritising right now.

AIBU to feel upset that DS has met her entire family and DH, DS1 and my 2 nephews have all met her but I haven’t?

Im really worried that I’ve done something in the past and not known about it, and now he is nervous to introduce her, but If he won’t tell me when I ask how can I fix it?

Is 'meeting the parents' really still a thing once you're pushing 30 years old? It feels like more of a teenage/early 20s thing while your still 'under the wing' of parents and transitioning to adulthood. I'd never have thought to arrange a dedicated meeting once established with my own place, life away from parents, etc - they'd just meet incidentally by crossing paths at e.g. event, party, etc.

Is this your youngest child OP? Could you be struggling to see them as an autonomous adult rather than your baby? It's unusual to have kept track of who else has met the partner - have you got plenty of your own interests, hobbies, etc, as it sounds like this had room to become a bit of a fixation quite quickly!

Yeah it smacks of having to put your best frock on to impress the future MIL 🤣

We didn’t meet any of our sons girlfriends until they had met who they wanted to marry and brought them home to i reduce us. It was just how my sons liked it and my now D’sIL like it that no one was here before them so to speak.

My mother died when I was in my twenties and I always found meeting partners' mother's hugely stressful because it reminded me that I was lacking a maternal figure and I felt like I had to win their approval to secure the relationship. Rejection by a partner's mother hits harder when your own is no longer around. Maybe the gf is just nervous about meeting you and not ready for that yet.

'He said oh I don’t know, we are both busy right now with work. Which I do understand but I’m not asking them to give me hours and hours, and later in the afternoon he told me they are going to Paris for a concert in a couple of weeks and a few other things they are doing so they clearly aren’t so busy that they don’t have a second to spare.'

Well they clearly dont have much time to spare as they've got a lot on in the next few weeks, and they will need housework/downtime in that too, bit strange that your response to someone telling you theyve got a few things planned is that they clearly have time available, when they are explicitly telling you that theyve got things on so arent available??

You feel the way you feel, but I’m not sure this would bother me much. He can introduce her when he wants to, until then, hey ho.

If it wasn't for the chance meeting in the pub, none of the family would have met her. So you're not being deliberately singled out not to meet her. There's a difference between all happening to be in the same place and meeting naturally than a set up arrangement with the purpose of meeting his mum, which neither may feel ready for, for a variety of reasons. Perhaps she's shy. Perhaps they're not into formal meet the family situations and prefer it to happen naturally in due course.
Given you've no reason to realistically think this is about you, then I'd suggest you don't. When you're due to see DS let him know she's welcome too and you'll no doubt meet her in due course if the relationship lasts.

I think you are being a bit pushy to be honest, it is really early days and as others have said an accidental meeting in the pub is very different to a formal sit down. Regularly having brunch with his ex is quite unusual so he might have felt that was a bit much and is worried about you doing that again (it makes it seem cemented as a DIL/long term partnership which is too much pressure particularly in the honeymoon phase).

I also think that even if you didn't pressure her to come for Mother's Day lunch, that is a weird time to have invited her, both because it appears to set you up as MIL, and because she has lost her own mother so it seems like you're trying to step in there. I would back off and let things happen in their own time.

I only have boys & 100% understand the importance of having good relationships with their other halves.
I’m sure your DS is a good man but he’s 28…and he’s a man. Wouldn’t be unusual that he might “go with the flow” for fun weekends away without it necessarily meaning that she’s “the one”.
Would also not be unusual if his GF is the one managing their social diary, organizing trips etc whereas she can’t really invite herself to your house :)
Doesn’t sound like there’s any reason to worry that you’ve committed some faux pas in the past. Surely he would just have told you at the time!

With my 3 grown-up daughters sometimes it would be quite soon and sometimes it wouldn't.

He'll bring her when he's ready

Relax OP it’ll happen in due course. He’s made it clear not yet, might be yours is the opinion that matters most to him so could be he’s saving the best to last and psyching himself up to it.

They are busy. Those plans he told you about is them being busy, living their own lives, having fun, being in a relationship.

She isn’t his ex. She maybe doesn’t want regular brunches and to be your bestie. He maybe doesn’t want that either.

Absolutely none of their relationship is about you. Leave them to it and he will bring her to meet you when they are ready.

Mothers Day

her own mother is dead, she made non Mother's Day plans with friends.

if is not all about you.

you're making me feel claustrophobic with your posts, you're being overbearing.

they ARE busy. They're making plans to do things they want to do That's 'busy' - he didn't say they were working down the mine!

calm down & leave them be. It'll happen when it happens & the more you make it a big deal the longer that will take.

I agree with the PP saying that she may not want to be your best friend if she knows about your relationship with his ex.

Plus it’s a risk that she’s either going to be put off in case you expect the same or be concerned that you will go on about his ex.

Step away from their relationship - it is literally none of your concern.

Are you often a bit intense? 😬 Because you’re coming across as a bit intense and maybe he’s worried about overwhelming her, especially if she is from a different culture or English isn’t her first language. A very intense parent can be quite overwhelming.

I’d simply follow his lead and that he said to leave it for now. It sounds like they are having fun travelling and seeing where things go. Maybe extend an invitation to all the children and partners to Sunday lunch or a BBQ over the summer so it’s not such an intense meet the girlfriend sort of event.

Fwiw, I’ve known my MIL for 18 years. I have never been to brunch with her or coffee or anything. I didn’t even know her number until Dh and I had been together like 10 years. 😂

I just think being over enthusiastic might scare the girl off, I am sure the op means no harm but her son might be wary she will overwhelm his girlfriend.

Absolutely!

Do you think that maybe the fact you were so close to his ex is slightly putting him off introducing you to this new girlfriend? Like he wants to be 100% sure, or as sure as you can be anyway, that this has the potential to last before introducing you.
In all honesty, six months really isn’t a very long relationship so in any situation, it’s not like you’re ‘late’ to meet his girlfriend.

You say 'therefore she matters to you', but you've literally never met her so she clearly doesn't.

She's your son's new girlfriend. Not your daughter in law. She's essentially a complete stranger. Why would being desperate to meet her boyfriend's mother be paramount in her mind over her life and career and her own family?

If it's serious you'll get to meet her eventually. Being hurt over it seems rather self absorbed I'm afraid.

100% agree with you. @Cateine needs to really chill out.

If you would overthink and scrutinise the actual meeting as much as you are the idea of it on here then maybe he's holding off as he fears you'll be too much. Calm down and be led by him, he'll arrange it when he wants to.

my youngest sons ex and I used to go for brunch fairly often but he has been single for over 2 years before his current partner

Did you keep seeing his ex after their break up? Or was this while they were together?

I would hope to meet my child's partner before 18 months of them going out! It seems quite odd to me to leave it that long before meeting them. Why wouldn't you want to meet the person who has become such an important part of your child's life before a year and a half? I'm be dying to meet them and certainly wouldn't feel it was over stepping the mark to suggest inviting them over for dinner or meeting somewhere for lunch after a few months of them going out. With my child of course, not on my own -that would be odd!
In fact, I think not suggesting meeting them would sound like you couldn't care less.

I think it would be very strange not to meet your child's partner until they were moving in together or engaged!! Unless they were living abroad or something. Or the parents were raving alcoholics/weirdos or something. Surely that's not 'normal' adult child/parent relationship interaction?!

Dating since October and only became official after Christmas, like 3-4 months ago? JFC. I've got stuff that's been in the washing basket longer than that.