Parents of toddlers, how do you cope with this and how is it in any way enjoyable?!

[Tfortoddler]

DS 3.5 can be an absolute nightmare. I presume it’s normal? I don’t know. He’s not like it all the time and can be lovely. But if he’s in a bad frame of mind I just can’t do anything…

examples, trying to go to work and he won’t get dressed or get shoes on. What the actual fuck are you supposed to do? Yes I know pick up and carry to car etc but it’s not that easy when they’re thrashing around. I’ve done that once or twice and then worried for most of the day that my neighbours will report us for excessive noise as he’s literally screaming stop and get off as I wrestle him into the car

In the bath he will go absolutely mental if any water gets in his eyes. Sometimes it just happens even with the more careful hair wash. He screams and throws water out and hits me. Fucking awful.

won’t go to bed. Often I leave him to mess about in his room and tell him I will come up to tuck him in when he’s ready. This usually works and then we have some quiet time together when he’s calmed down. But it’s just constant.

Teeth. Depends on his mood. Sometimes will be negotiating with him for half an hour. Obviously can’t force a toothbrush in his mouth.

I am a single parent so these things probably feel heavier for me as I don’t really get a break. But honestly… I do not find parenting a toddler fun. How do you deal with it? I hate it

Teeth are non negotiable. Wrap in a towel with their arms inside, pin them down with your leg then brush as they open their mouth to scream at you. Mine soon accepted doing it properly after a few days of this.

Sometimes 3 year olds are just dickheads. I remember dropping one of mine off in his pyjamas at nursery, with me in tears and his clothes and shoes in a bag. It happens. We used a lot of bribery - mini flapjacks to get into the car to go to nursery for example. It felt awful at the time but I promise it’s just a phase!

Most toddlers are like this.they do grow out of it.

i have sympathy about the water in eyes though it really is horrible. You can get eye guard plastic thingies.

When my Godchild was a toddler and I had them staying with me they’d scream murder if water got in their eyes. I got them something like this and put a little mirror behind the taps at bath time so they could see what was happening and I’d do a ridiculous voice asking them what sort of hair style they’d like, made things easier and fun for them.

https://amzn.eu/d/03f2hjzk

It’s savage. I desperately managed until age 5 when it started becoming easier and then age 7 when I actually wanted to be around him. He’s a joy now. I coped by not having any more! You’re not alone OP.

I'm afraid that both of my two boys also immediately realised that 'none because I'm not going to bed' was a hidden third answer to 'do you want the blue or the red pyjamas'

3 kids here. My rule is they comply with teeth brushing or I force it. It can’t be left, they will get rotten teeth.

It just goes to show that nothing is foolproof when dealing with toddlers.

There are strategies you can use (being more fun; offering choices) and they're often successful, but you need to have a certain amount of bandwidth to be able to be 'fun' on demand.

When I was in this stage I used the strategies if I could. If not I decided what was non-negotiable and let everything else go. So just give up on hair washing for a bit. Honestly, kids hardly ever need their hair washing.

Accept that nothing you do will make him more reasonable, he just has to grow up a bit.

Have you tried making a picture list of all the steps - getting dressed, washing face and hands, cleaning teeth, putting shoes on, getting in the car etc then after each one ask him to look at the list and tell you what you need to do next. - this puts him in charge rather than you telling him what he needs to do.

Mother to a 4 yo barbarian here 👋 and he has been since he was about 1.5.

The only thing that works with him is consistency and removing his fun when it becomes a power struggle. Won’t get clothes and shoes on? One warning, if you don’t you’re surfboard carried. All whilst acting like you’ve been lobotomised you’re so calm. It might take a few goes but he’ ll learn (or mine did). Mine loves ANY kind of reaction, good or bad, so when I remove one he learns pretty quickly that the fun has gone.

We got him goggles for the bath which he actually loved, and unfortunately yes I did have to force the toothbrush in a few times (again, with a warning first and remaining extremely calm and without hurting him at all) It took maybe 3 times of this for him to realise this too was boring.

I also learnt to never hold grudges with him about his behaviour, no going over and over it after a tantrum or whatever, just deal with it in the moment then go back to being fun mummy as soon as it’s done. He seemed to learn it wasn’t ever really worth it, and now we’re at the age where he loves reward charts which is another step easier!

solidarity though, having a strong willed child can feel frustrating when you see all the other compliant little ones but I just keep reminding myself that I’ll be so proud of him knowing his mind when he’s as adult!

Dress and brush him whilst hes on the toilet or potty. So he's trapped essentially. Or stand him on it, get him to flush and maybe have some cartoon/musical toothbrushes he can choose from, etc etc. My son is same age and this has worked wonderfully. The kitchen counter is another trap zone for shoes and coat.

Full sympathy, my eldest is 3 and we have a lot of similar battles. I’ve also got a 6 month old and I wonder what the nursery staff think of me holding him by the back of the t shirt so he doesn’t run off in the nursery car park while I’ve got the baby strapped to me 🫠

For hair washing I second the flannel over the eyes suggested above, I’ve only recently learned that and it’s so much easier now. Getting dressed seems to be our biggest battle, we get a lot of don’t want to go nursery but he’s fine once he’s dressed with a snack in the car (bribery is king in this house). We do a lot of choice between 2 options or ‘get dressed quick or the monster will get you’ but it takes endless patience which I frankly don’t have and is much worse when I’m tired - which is always with a 6m old and the 3 year old who’s slept through about 12 nights in his life. For teeth brushing I got an electric toothbrush with lion king on for his birthday which came with an app you can choose a Disney character from to brush teeth with which has made a huge difference, once they get enough coins from brushing they can ‘buy’ more characters so now he chooses each day and seems to like it.

vaguely encouraged by comments from others that this phase shall pass eventually…!

Age 3 to 5 was utterly brutal with DC1. He was little bother age 1-3, but the pre school years were seriously rough.

We tried really hard to never lose our cool with him, just to be really neutral when he was losing the plot. We had a few boundaries that were held firmly, largely around safety and politeness to others, but we did also pick our battles for our own sanity. Not wearing socks today? Whatever.

He got significantly better from 5 onwards.

“Teeth. Depends on his mood. Sometimes will be negotiating with him for half an hour. Obviously can’t force a toothbrush in his mouth.“
of course you can?? We’ve always done that. It’s not nice but it’s necessary.
why not just get him changed after bath into his clothes for the next day and he sleeps in those?
no one is going to report you for carrying your child to your car.

It is really hard. My son is five and we still struggle with all of these. He’ll go swimming and put his head under, but if a drop of bathwater goes in his eyes, it’s a screaming drama.

He can definitely get himself ready in the morning, but it’s always a screaming drama, so I’ll let him watch the telly and pretty much dress him myself. It’s a pain, but it works and we need him out of the Door by 730.

If they’re in a good mood, you can often use stickers as a bribe. We buy those vitamin tablets that are basically little chewy sweets and bribe him with one or two of them. Just do what you can.

In relation to the teeth, I sit on him and pin him down and brush them if nothing works. I honestly hold his armsz. I would never hurt him, but after about 20 mins of faffing around it needs doing & isn’t optional.

I find it more effective to say 'teeth', or 'shoes' rather than the sickly would you please put your shoes on now, ickle bubba or whatever

Don't give them a sentence that they can argue with.

Also, bear in mind you can always stick them in the car and take shoes with you

When he gets to nursery and is the only kid without shoes, say 'oh, you need your shoes now!!'

It's all about making it seem like it's their choice, rather than telling them what to do

I had a 3 year old like that. Such hard work. But he's 5 now and SO much easier. I actively enjoy being a parent which I can't say I did two years ago. Believe that it gets better.

For the bath maybe try having him wear swim goggles? It worked for us.

It's a hard age... you are in the thick of it. My son is now 4 years 4 months and omg what a difference. He's so much more reasonable. Still has his moments but nothing like the awkwardness you are describing. I have a younger one too and she's 15 months and the tantrums have already started 😭. With my son they didn't really start till 2.5 x

They are completely different at 4.5 OP hang in there. Step away and deep breathe when it gets too much.

Definitely be more upbeat and less peed off, bc as soon as they realise its getting to you, its a losing battle.

Choices work to an extent here, but bribes like, you can wear spiderman jumper (and occasionally sweets if I'm desperate).
Taking away prized toys for non compliance is my worst threat really, but boy is it tough and soul destroying. If its something he wants to do...not too bad but but pre-school nah, he'd rather fight me all day.

And yes, doing the get ready dance with happy energy when you'd rather walk on hot coals taps me out to a point I'd really rather everyone left me alone.

Not a single parent but alot of solo parenting due to circumstances. Its hard. Really hard.

Also have a strong willed 3.5 year old that refuses to brush teeth. I occasionally have to hold her down still but a choice of toothbrushes seems to work here. I keep them high and offer a random choice of 2 if she doesn’t ask for a specific one. Also I will always agree to buying a new toothbrush if she takes a shine to one in the shop - guarantees at least an easy week of cleaning! I’m aware it’s probably not the best solution, but it works and I can’t keep being late for work.

Whilst it’s not the ‘healthiest’ of choices, if we 3YO is being extremely hard to get ready in the morning then I tell her I’ll give her a treat on the way out the door if she brushes her teeth, goes to the toilet etc. and I give a small biscuit or something similar. This wouldn’t be following actual bad behaviour of course, but if I’m in a rush and I can sense a meltdown coming, it works and avoids the tantrum, gets us out, and avoids everyone getting worked up unnecessarily. Sure someone will be along to say it’s not a great method, but with how hard they can be at this age, anything that gets us to where we need to be without the paddy 🤷🏼‍♀️

Back in December I started to use Santa as a way to get my 3 year old to brush her teeth, tidy up her toys etc.

I then realised after Christmas that the Santa thing worked year round!

If she doesn't want to do something, I pretend to get a phone call from Santa who wants an update on how my daughter is doing.

This genuinely works wonders.

If she's being really well behaved I tell her I'm ringing Santa to tell him how good she is too.

I remember bed time with my eldest being the hardest thing at that age, as what immediate consequences can you possibly do? At the time, time outs were terribly fashionable (I’m glad that went out of fashion - never really djd them much, but felt a lot of pressure to do so).

You want them in bed. Not faffing about sitting on steps or whatever.

Anyway, it passed and she’s a fabulous, very self sufficient 17 yo now!

The choices thing worked quite well on my second, I think. Do you want to do x or y? Took him a while to cotton on to that psychology!

Give me a two year old over a three year old any day...it's the age and stage....op you very much not on your own here and every single parent since time started knows how you feeling...deep breaths and you've got this