Parents of toddlers, how do you cope with this and how is it in any way enjoyable?!

[Tfortoddler]

DS 3.5 can be an absolute nightmare. I presume it’s normal? I don’t know. He’s not like it all the time and can be lovely. But if he’s in a bad frame of mind I just can’t do anything…

examples, trying to go to work and he won’t get dressed or get shoes on. What the actual fuck are you supposed to do? Yes I know pick up and carry to car etc but it’s not that easy when they’re thrashing around. I’ve done that once or twice and then worried for most of the day that my neighbours will report us for excessive noise as he’s literally screaming stop and get off as I wrestle him into the car

In the bath he will go absolutely mental if any water gets in his eyes. Sometimes it just happens even with the more careful hair wash. He screams and throws water out and hits me. Fucking awful.

won’t go to bed. Often I leave him to mess about in his room and tell him I will come up to tuck him in when he’s ready. This usually works and then we have some quiet time together when he’s calmed down. But it’s just constant.

Teeth. Depends on his mood. Sometimes will be negotiating with him for half an hour. Obviously can’t force a toothbrush in his mouth.

I am a single parent so these things probably feel heavier for me as I don’t really get a break. But honestly… I do not find parenting a toddler fun. How do you deal with it? I hate it

I allow TV once completely ready dressed and teeth brushed. So they are incentivised to get a move on. If they faff and fuss not only do they lose the TV time but in the preschooler years I wasn’t afraid of swaddling them in a towel to brush their teeth and putting them in the car in their PJs with their clothes and shoes in a bag. It was not a phase that lasted particularly long. Oh and let them wear goggles in the bath. And keep doing what you’re doing with bedtime - theres nothing wrong with him winding down in his room.

Just wanted to say well done for doing it all. I know exactly what you mean, it can be hellish and neverending.

For washing hair, have you tried swimming goggles? That's the only way I can get mine to wash his hair.

Parent to a 3 years 8 month old dickhead boy here.
Ours is definitely starting to improve, but DH have felt the same as you. Some days it’s just not enjoyable to parent.

Getting out of the house we will resort to bribery if we have to.
He loves books so we tell him he’ll miss storytime at nursery if he’s late there because he’s being uncooperative. And the same with messing around & not listening at bath or bed time. We tell him there won’t be time for a story.
We put a song of his choice or some 2 or 3 minute video on YouTube when brushing his teeth.

We try to stay upbeat and not take our frustration out on him. Being silly can be a good distraction and get a grumpy toddler to engage.

It’s hard OP and I have massive respect for you doing it alone.

Oh, this does work, I used to find. I was given that advice myself by someone more experienced.

I bought a character toothbrush and it works, on times he refuses I have to put his head between my legs and my legs resting gently on his arms to get his teeth brushed!

Oh my goodness I could have written this!!! My DS turned 3 in Jan and he is vile. I’m also a single parent and the mornings before work can be horrendous so stressful and they just don’t care do they. Same at bedtime.

im hoping it’s a phase that will pass but sending solidarity

img I’ve been so close to doing this! Pyjamas at nursery it’s bloody awful when you need to get out in the morning I’m so glad it’s not just me I could have written this thread

I'm a single parent to twins and it could hell-ish when they were younger!

I can remember locking myself in my bathroom as my three year old was shouting and hitting me. She’s now the sweetest seven year old you could imagine.

what worked for me was:

• Start giving choices on things that don’t really matter. “Do you want to wear this jumper or that jumper?” You’ve picked both jumpers that you are happy for him to wear. You are still in control. This can work with things like teeth: “ Do you want to brush your teeth first or get dressed?”.
• Stop worrying what people think. I once had several members of staff chasing my daughter from running out of Asda. I had to carry her to the car and then lock her in it when we got home as she kept trying to run back to the shop and in the road. Despite having very bad back, I had carried her to the car, despite the looks. I didn’t shout or raise my voice. I was just very calm telling her “ you need to get int the car to be safe.”
• Understand where I’ve messed up. The whole above incident happened because I had, a few days before, said if she saw this toy she wanted she could have it. I had forgot and when she picked it up, I had said no. In hindsight, she was trying to tell me that I had promised her the toy and I’d gone back in my word. that had frustrated her and I didn’t explain things.
• Explain your decisions. I explain why we can/can’t do something. As opposed to saying “because I said so” I’ll say “ I can’t let you run in the road as you could get hit by a car and hurt.” They understand more than we think.
• follow through. If I say no to something, it’s no. If I threaten a punishment (no iPad time for example) for x time, I follow through. I do try to make the punishment fit the crime. So if I’ve asked her 100 times to clean her room , I’ll tell her instead of iPad time tonight, you’ll be cleaning your room.

I am a single parent and there were times I honestly thought about sending her to live with her dad. I told her in anger once that she’s going to go live with my friend as she’s being so horrid to me. The little Madame went to her room, packed a suitcase (of teddies) and stood by the door waiting to go . How do you come back from that?

It’s a lot better now and it will get better.

It's really hard but you are worrying about things that don't matter. Of course you can brush his teeth for him. Sitting there pleading with him for half an hour, it's a kids dream to get that kind of attention and have that much power. He's going to act that way every night. Just grab him and the brush, it's over in a minute.

Same for getting in the car. He's three, put him in there, bring shoes with you. Why would the neighbours think anything bad, everyone knows that three year olds cry for no reason.

This all sounds normal at that age and is really hard as a parent. Building connection between you (e.g. special one on one time every day) can help, but that's hard with work stress and juggling chores etc. After the incident, later in the day once he's calmed down, you can try talking to him about what happened, sympathising, apologising for your part and coming up with ideas together about what to do differently next time and what might make it easier for him. So much is outside a toddlers' control, so let him have the choice when possible so that he feels he has some sense of control over some things. For teeth cleaning, try the free oral b disney magic timer app. It was a game changer for us. For bedtime, is he still napping during the day? If yes, try reducing it significantly or dropping it altogether, and introduce a short, consistent bedtime routine at the same time every night (asleep by 7-8pm). Try showers instead of baths to switch things up and get him used to water in eyes, or there's a funny hat you can buy on amazon that apparently keeps water out of kids' eyes. For getting ready to leave the house, start earlier, stick to exactly the same routine every morning and have an incentive-a part of the daily routine that he likes the most- that happens once he's ready and dressed and not before. How to talk so little children listen is a good book. But it is really tough, all parents struggle and you're doing wonderfully I'm sure. This phase will pass.

Lots of sympathy! Going through similar. Tried ignoring, tried giving rewards, tried giving two choices to pick from. In the end I have to force him, otherwise we'd never leave the house, or have a bath, or brush teeth etc it's brutal!

I do this a lot.
Also try making it in to a game. A race or something.
I do also make deals - "do X and then I'll let you do Y", but I try to limit this. Often works for teeth - if you brush your teeth before the timer I'll read you an extra bedtime story, quick, run!

I try to always have snacks as it's worse when they're hungry.

They were very noticeably worse if I hadn't given them much attention that day too.

My eldest was such hard work at that age, you have my utmost sympathies.

It won't be like this forever, I promise. FWIW DS grew out of this stage when he was 4, but it felt like forever when I was in it.

I just kept trying things till I found stuff that worked.

One thing that I remember working surprisingly well was to give him what he wanted in fantasy version, instead of saying no.

So, if he wanted to eat cake he wasn't allowed, instead of saying no and getting into a battle of wills, I'd say something like - oh that looks amazing, wouldn't it be great if we could eat cake all the time, and chat away about cake while distracting him from the actual cake. This worked surprisingly well!

It might not for yours, but keep trying stuff.

For teeth brushing, turns out he hated having it done TO him. It helped if we brushed out teeth together. A sand timer helped. Playing songs while we brushed helped. And if I was feeling especially brave, letting him brush mine while I brushed his. (Not always successful, sometimes painful!)

About sleep, I accepted he's a night owl and moved his bedtime later. MIL was horrified lol. But I didn't see the point in both of us sitting in a dark room with him not sleeping. Your compromise on that one sounds good.

I remember I found some of the advice in this book useful.

https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/calmer-easier-happier-parenting-book-nol-janis-norton-9781444729924

Ultimately though, what saved us was he grew out of it. And yours will. Until then, it's a case of muddling through and doing what you can to make things bearable, while repeating the Mumsnet mantra "this too shall pass!"

FWIW, DS is the easiest teenager these days!

4.5 year old here who still does all this. Tantrums in the morning getting dressed is what annoys me most. I find if I give him 10 minutes to calm down he's more likely to cooperate. Or I offer him his favourite food, pancake. It is so hard.

almost 3 1/2 year old boy here but I also have a 7 year old so I haven’t found him too bad as he will copy his older sister luckily.
however I find consistency is key, we keep to the same rough routines and once he’s used to them the fighting does stop. Like someone else said decide your non negotiables and be flexible with the rest. Teeth brushing is non negotiable and I have pinned him down to do it, now I only need to threaten that and he listens.
Not for everyone but we only bath twice a week (unless very dirty or sweaty) as hair washing isn’t fun and they don’t get very smelly at this age. We let him choose a bath or a shower so giving some control but he knows we need to wash his hair.
encourage with rewards. If he won’t get dressed I will remind him if he takes too long there won’t be enough time for TV.
if this all fails we will ‘phone’ his key person at nursery to tell them that he isn’t listening. Just the threat of “do you want me to tell Lily…..” will do the trick to get him to listen.
it’s just a stage and it will pass I promise.

Normal I'm afraid.

I offer options but often just get no screamed at me. "Would you like to put your own shoes on or mummy put them on?" "NOOOOOOOO!". I pick up, carry to car, recline it so gravity on my side, strap in and go. Reach nursery ask if wants to put shoes on and walk in or am I carrying in. Usually at this point will put shoes on. Carried in without trousers before when wouldnt get dressed and gave them to nursery staff to put on later when more cooperative.

If throwing stuff and hitting in bath. Simple flat tone. We don't hit mummy. If you hit mummy I take you out the bath and no more fun playing in the bath. And follow through. Mine went through a daddy preferring stage where would kick me if I sat next to on sofa as wanted daddy. Flatly said mummy chooses where mummy sits. We do not kick mummy. If you kick mummy I put you on the floor. And I did. Every single time. Gently pick up and place on floor. After about the 5th time they stopped doing it. Calm consistent proportional boundaries.

Teeth you can and should force it. Lie them down on floor, sitting at their head, legs over shoulders to keep them down. You don't hurt them. Brush teeth best you can. Every time. Would you like to brush your teeth or does mummy need to lie you on the floor and brush them? After a few times now almost always brushes willingly.

Agree you can force tooth brushing if you have to, I’ve done it once or twice. Having an exciting toothbrush or new toothpaste can help. Honestly the main thing that works is telling mine they can’t have anything sweet, even fruit, if they don’t brush their teeth. Usually they crack on once they’ve considered that.

Threenager is real though, my 4yo was a nightmare for most of that year and I am dreading my even stronger willed 2 yo hitting that age!

Single mum to a ‘strong willed’ 3.5yr old DD. Absolutely don’t have it all worked out but a few things that are currently or have recently worked…

• duplicates of every day items around the house. Toothbrushes, toothpaste, hairbrushes, bobbles, even things I need to get ready. That way they’re always to hand if you see an opportunity to do something
• toothbrushing - like another poster said, options of toothbrushes, now 2 min egg timer, but earlier on YouTube videos about toothbrushing - also conveniently 2 mins long!
• bedtime - break it down in chunks, after this toast is pjs, after milk is upstairs then toothbrush, choose 1 story before I count to 5 etc
• I get all nursery outfits inc knickers and socks ready in door storage downstairs. She can choose a ‘pouch’ from there but no negotiables
• actually getting dressed - turned into a game - I move the sock, hole for head etc and she has to try and get the body part through it
• when she is kicking off I explain that when she’s ready to say sorry I’m ready to be friends and walk away (within same room). As soon as she says sorry we cuddle and I say thank you, and act like nothing has happened - it’s forgotten

I’m sure within a month these will all be out the window, and I’ll be back on this thread looking for more tips!