To want to work part time?

[LavenderFlamingo]

I currently work 3 days a week in a public sector role and my pre tax salary is around £17k. My husband works full time in the energy sector and has a pre tax salary of £90k. The major argument in our house since kids has been money.

Before kids when I earned a full time wage i was able to pay 50:50 on most things with my husband, since kids I can no longer do this. I still contribute 2/3rds of my wage every month to household bills (energy, council tax) with the rest of my money going towards my petrol, family food shopping and maintenance of my car. I have no savings now and am spending my full wage on basic living every month. I also have outstanding credit card debt (£700) from my last maternity leave which i am trying to pay off monthly.

My husband has started getting on at me to change jobs and earn more money because he's tired of "supporting the family" (my financial contribution is less than his so clearly doesn't count in his eyes). Where we live there are very few part time jobs advertised that pay anything like what I earn now, majority are minimum wage. The only solution to me earning more money is going back full time which I resent when my husband could comfortably afford for me to be part time.

I know i am being selfish but I want to spend time with our children (currently 1 & 3) before they start school. My husband also told me this morning that he finds it humiliating when he has to tell people that I work in the public sector.

My husband does little housework and I do all the cooking. I also do all childcare pick ups and drop offs, doctors appointments and general life admin. I know that would remain the same if I worked full time.

Aibu to want to stay part time? Or does anyone have any tips for finding decent paid part time work? I feel like I'm drowning most days financially and can't ask my husband for help.

I’d find the concept of asking my husband for financial ‘help’ absurd - we are one household unit. Your husband sounds like a boorish bully. what does he do with ‘his’ excess cash?

Have you had a conversation around how the household finances stack up? I’d also suggest that this is the state of play while your kids are small but when they return to school (3 years) you can explore a different chapter.

Your husband is embarrassed of you working in the public sector?? He sounds like a great catch! He is financially controlling, doesn't pull his weight in the house, insults you... what if any are his goof features?

You're husband is a twat. Wants you doing all the childcare and housework as well as an equal financial contribution. I don't know why people are shocked at the trad wife movement when so many women are expected to do it all.
Tell him you're embarrassed to tell your friends that your DH doesn't want to be a provider and is trying to push you into full time work.
I'd stay part time and consider leaving him and claiming child maintenance.

There is nothing selfish about a Woman wanting to be at home more for her children. What was your husband's reaction when you talked about how having children, and working would look like, to you, before having them. Also I am not sure why he is embarrassed about saying what job you do, and who you work for. Nobody really should care.

Sorry... where is his money going?
Does he have a big stash of spending money for himself and a pot of savings?

Why were you forced into debt during Maternity leave?

Presumably if you worked full time, you'd need childcare costs?

Does he realise that these are also HIS children, his household etc?

You have chosen to have children with a man who sees your contribution to family life as nothing!
pick your self respect up off the floor and tell him to fuck off!

Does he like you? You are meant to be a team. Did he want kids?

Did you discuss how finances will work prior to having the children?

YANBU but sounds like he either wasn’t on board with you being part time in the first place or he didn’t really want kids. Or at least he doesn’t feel responsible for them.

You shouldn’t be paying for your maternity leave- you should have worked out TOGETHER how you would BOTH afford it, jointly.

I would be pointing out that if you go full time, then he will need to step up with doing his share of all of the things you currently do for them. Ie pickups/drop offs, appointments etc.

He doesn’t sound like a good partner tbh.

This!
he sounds terrible and as a family all money should be pooled in to one pot.

Also the cost of childcare (not just wraparound) but holiday clubs etc is a massive factor too especially for 2 kids and so I’d be factoring this in too plus if you then said you wanted a cleaner to help aswell as childcare, how much better off would you be???

he sounds like a bully. I wouldn’t be standing for this!

this is very sad OP. Lots of women want to be at home with their kids, whether full or part time, and they can’t afford to. Your husband can afford it. You are team, you need to be working through life together, you need to be rowing in the same boat.

wanting you to earn more because he’s tired of supporting is not a nice statement. Feeling embarrassed about your work is just awful. It’s like he’s talking about some long lost relative that he can’t stand but needs to send money to every month, and actually he doesn’t to want to anymore! You are his wife!

you need to sit down with a real discussion about what is going on here. Your kids are young. He can’t stand afford it. Hope it works out for you 🫶

Im p/t & in the public sector & my youngest is 10.

DH helps with drop offs/kids activities & does most of the cooking.

But could your DH be feeling financial pressure?

WTF am i reading!!!! Why did you reproduce with this Prince of a man? You have two small children and he expects you to also work full time and pay for everything too? What is the actual point in him? He is a high earning father who should be taking pride in providing for his family while his wife cares for his small children. All money goes into a pot where household expenses come out of, savings are allocated and spends are shared equally. What the hell has happened to men? No wonder women are going it alone if this is what men are behaving like!! What does he think is the point in his fucking existence? Are you roommates?

What a prick. Earns £90k and pleading poverty? I do think you should try and look for better paid work though, not to appease him but in case you end up on your own.

OP the main threat to you working part time right now is the fact this marriage is inevitably doomed, you can face it now or draw it out over years of unhappiness. I’d be getting yourself financially prepared to be a single parent.

Why do women marry these low lifes and then not have only one but multiple kids with them??

Get a better job so you can leave. He doesn’t help so you might as well be on your own.

Sounds like financial abuse. You should not be paying 50;50 for everything, what is wrong with this man, his income is not just for him it's for his family.

Why is the family food shop coming out of your wages and not the household bills pot?

If He would be expecting you to work full time as well as all the housework, childcare etc he’s a dick!!! He can’t have his cake and eat it!! And his comment about the public sector makes him even more of a dick!!!! Stay part time as long as possible!!

Sorry I’ve just read the bit about money and now my blood is really boiling! WTF!!!!!
Money needs to be pro rata’d! At the moment it sounds like he wants the whole feckin cake shop and eating it!!

I think going back to work full time is probably a good thing for you. I understand wanting to be at home with the children but, if this marriage ends, you will need to be able to support yourself.

I would take great pleasure in finding a full time role and explaining to the chump of a husband that he now has to pick up 50% of childcare, housework and the mental load.

From what it sounds like, you aren’t a team so returning full time will probably be in your best interest in the future.

He sounds delightful.

Why have you got debt from mat leave? Perhap you might jointly have some but I don’t think that’s what’s happening here is it.

'I resent when my husband could comfortably afford for me to be part time'. Wow. If I was your husband I'd divorce you instantly for this. You are aware it is 2026 not 1956? In fact, that's not fair to 1956, women probably weren't as lazy and entitled then - they fought to give women (including you) opportunities which you are throwing back in their face. I'm embarrassed to be a woman when I read things like that.

Your husband sounds like a twat too, particularly for the public sector comment. Maybe you deserve each other.

(And yes, I know this is fake/AI/deliberately goady. Why do I bite?!).

Agree with this but you’ll get shouted down

on here it’s fine for women to want to work part time but the financial pressure of being the main earner is simply dismissed

Eh u have a major husband problem. You wld be financially better off on your own as he wld have to pay you maintenance for the kids.

This is why finances shouldn’t be separate especially when your a family and one works part time to do the bulk of the household chores and look after the children. He earns a massive amount of money. More than most families combined. Why is he being so tough about money and making u pay 2/3 of your wage which is already small. Although u say the rest goes on petrol, food shopping and your car. These are all bills too so essentially you have nothing left. This is financial abuse and isn’t normal. You need to make him see sense, show him this thread with the replies. This would be a huge problem for me and would likely end the marriage.

I work part time, my husband full time and does a lot of extra hours on call etc. Both wages are paid to joint account. Everything is paid out of there and then money is transferred do holidays, Christmas and birthday etc and savings. We both take a small amount each month for personal spends, for me it would be for clothes/make up mainly. It’s just under £100 each we take.

He sounds pretty awful honestly. I work 3 days and DH and I pool our money and have never spoken about ratio of financial contribution as being a thing that matters to our family. Our money is our money.

He is happy working five days and is happy for me to remain at three days forever if I want to, even when both kids are at school. If he wanted to drop down hours we would make it work too but he doesn’t.

This isn't abiut the financial pressure. It's about the fact that OP would still have to do all the childcare and housework.

Opportunity to have a career is only an opportunity if women are released from housework.