To want to work part time?

[LavenderFlamingo]

I currently work 3 days a week in a public sector role and my pre tax salary is around £17k. My husband works full time in the energy sector and has a pre tax salary of £90k. The major argument in our house since kids has been money.

Before kids when I earned a full time wage i was able to pay 50:50 on most things with my husband, since kids I can no longer do this. I still contribute 2/3rds of my wage every month to household bills (energy, council tax) with the rest of my money going towards my petrol, family food shopping and maintenance of my car. I have no savings now and am spending my full wage on basic living every month. I also have outstanding credit card debt (£700) from my last maternity leave which i am trying to pay off monthly.

My husband has started getting on at me to change jobs and earn more money because he's tired of "supporting the family" (my financial contribution is less than his so clearly doesn't count in his eyes). Where we live there are very few part time jobs advertised that pay anything like what I earn now, majority are minimum wage. The only solution to me earning more money is going back full time which I resent when my husband could comfortably afford for me to be part time.

I know i am being selfish but I want to spend time with our children (currently 1 & 3) before they start school. My husband also told me this morning that he finds it humiliating when he has to tell people that I work in the public sector.

My husband does little housework and I do all the cooking. I also do all childcare pick ups and drop offs, doctors appointments and general life admin. I know that would remain the same if I worked full time.

Aibu to want to stay part time? Or does anyone have any tips for finding decent paid part time work? I feel like I'm drowning most days financially and can't ask my husband for help.

That's sounds pretty crap, OP.

I've been the higher earner by quite a chunk in our household for a while and don't expect my husband to out earn me any time soon. I wouldn't dream of demanding he goes out and brings in more money.
Our combined incomes just become "our money". He has more time on his hands so picks up the slack in the home which is massively appreciated!

I'd be tempted to be a total arse about it in your position and take a step back on household duties or draw up a house rota / jobs list and draw ul a 50/50 split. Give your DH a taste of how life might be if you worked full time and didn't have the time to do all the life admin. That, or LTB 😂

That only works if her husband isn't sn a hole and agrees to step up.

This is hard to answer as in some ways you are BU, in some you are NBU.

I think it's unfair to say that one person should just be happy carrying the family financially - even if they technically can right now, it's still a lot of pressure. Also, 90k is not a massive salary by any means - he could lose his job and then where would that leave you? And what about when you both retire? Your fund will presumably be very modest and to some degree his will have to carry you both even when he's no longer working.

It also does make sense for you to do more housework as you're home more.

However, YANBU in that he sounds pretty unpleasant in other ways, such as his weird and baffling judging of public sector work.

My husband does little housework and I do all the cooking. I also do all childcare pick ups and drop offs, doctors appointments and general life admin. I know that would remain the same if I worked full time

This is a problem. I can understand that your DH may feel quite a lot of pressure being the main earner, however that doesn't mean that your contribution isn't valuable, but he clearly doesn't see it that way.

Finances/working patterns/running the home/childcare should be a joint decision and a joint effort. Working patterns/hours should be a joint decision. For some people, that will mean one parent not working/being part time, and picking up the slack regarding life chores - which seems to be the arrangement you have.

If both parents are to be working full time, then they need to share the life chores/child care equally. If he's happy to do that, which perhaps would relieve the pressure of being the main financial earner, then he's maybe not being unreasonable. But it sounds like he wouldn't want that at all.

I have no savings now and am spending my full wage on basic living every month. I also have outstanding credit card debt (£700) from my last maternity leave which i am trying to pay off monthly

This is also a massive problem. How can your DH earn plenty but let you be in a situation with no savings and a credit card debt from maternity leave? You are supposed to be a team - that's what marriage is about - and it sounds much more like you are living as housemates. All finances should be pooled, including any debt.

I very much doubt she is paying her own way on 17k pre-tax!

Really? You'd send your toddlers to daycare in dirty, too small clothes? You'd skip their medical appointments?

Yep.

with us dh admitted he doesn’t like housework and knows his standards aren’t great. So he uses some of his “fun money” to outsource, pays cleaner, gardener, diy etc.

which I am fine with. He’s still doing his share. More than in fact, as the cleaner does a great job which means I get away with doing less. He can spend that time on the golf course which to him is worth every penny.

there’s more than one way to solve a problem.

I would stop cooking, cleaning and doing laundry for my husband. I would also demand 50% of share of all childcare costs. As far as I can see, OP funds this herself fully from her salary right now and thinks she "has to" pick up all housework. She doesn't have to.

is that what’ll happen if o/p stops doing half the housework?

her dh will start rooting around dirty laundry bags to send them in dirty clothes? Or go find the outgrown clothes, and drop them in the mud before dressing the child?

come on. Most people are more than capable of going to a wardrobe and grabbing a clean outfit. Generally outgrown clothes are washed and put away for charity or stored.

My dd once ended up with a gorgeous monsoon outfit because she spilled in a cafe with dh and monsoon was next door. I’d have mopped her up and carried on 😂

Watch some podcasts by The Slumflower on YouTube and social media.

Your husband needs to be a man - you’re his wife, his partner, the mother of his children.

He should be feeling privileged that he’s in a position to support you to work part time (or even not at all until the children can go to nursery/school if you ask me) and that he has enough money to keep his family happy and cared for.

Men like this genuinely deserve disdain, they deserve to be looked down upon.

YABU to say that your husband earning 90k is enough for you to comfortably work part time. 90k isn’t a lot of family of 4 after tax, and it’s unlikely to be a cushy job and lots of stress on the main earner if they are made redundant / sick etc.

However I guess even full time you won’t be earning more than 30k - and then you’ll need to split childcare costs equally between you so that won’t reduce the financial burden on your husband much unless you get a better paying job, which is probably unlikely in public sector. Is he under a lot of stress / threatened by job reductions and pay cuts due to AI?

You are both unreasonable not to have discussed and agreed finances, return to work plans and who pays for what during maternity etc before kids though. You shouldn’t have been in debt due to maternity leave - unless the £700 was an extravagant hen weekend or something similar non essential.

Work out how much it would cost for
a cleaner twice a week
a before school childminder - afterschool club for two children
full day childcare during holidays - would you take separate weeks off holiday to cover more of the holidays and forgo a family holiday together?

what about when the children are sick or need to go to the dentist? I assume he will do equal amounts of that

will you need a gardener?

add up everything - thrash out everything

then see if he is as keen

and get everything in writing

if he wants some sort of fucking business arrangement about family life then fucking give him one

we can help make sure you haven’t forgotten anything (the list is endless) - presume he will take it in turns to organise play dates and birthday parties? Presents for others? Presents for them? Who takes them to get shoes measured? Makes sure they have homework completed ?

I think his attitude is very unreasonable in several way. Embarrassed that you work in the public sector?? What a dick.

Generally speaking I think one person going part time or giving up work should be a joint decision. I mean, I assume you wouldn’t like it if he decided to go part time just because he wanted to.

OP should invoice £30 an hour plus travel expenses for the life admin and it would likely become obvious she's paying her way in kind.

Blimey. Earning over 100k as a household and he treats you like that. Where on earth is the concept of working as a team in your marriage? He must understand that not everyone can be high earners? Tbh he sounds so nasty I would consider leaving and get every penny of CM you can from him which would be considerable given his earnings.

My DH earns less than half of the op's DH and I still work part time AND they're both in school! DH works in the public sector as well!!! We're not rolling in it obviously but we get by just fine. I'm able to pick them up from school everyday and take them to clubs etc which is important to us as a family. Are your out goings very high op? Are you in a very expensive area? I can't really understand it otherwise. Putting kids in full time childcare when you don't have to is mad to me.

I’d be working full time and trying to earn as much as possible, if I were you. Your husband sounds like a total arse and I’d be looking at ways I could leave!

How’s your pension? What would happen if your dh becomes sick or disabled and can’t work? Do you have good critical illness/life insurance?

What if he left you? Could you survive financially? Do you have at least 6 months to a years salary in savings should the worst happen?

it’s all well and good saying children shouldn’t have to be in childcare when they don’t have to, but personally I think too many women don’t see past the first three years and make themselves very vulnerable long term.

which is why o/p needs to be getting back to work or securing her long term finances somehow, not going PT against her Dh’s wishes and becoming more financially dependent on him. If he doesn’t want to be the sole earner and support another adult chances are eventually he’ll leave if he’s forced to.

there are other options as well such as both partners going part time and sharing the load, and the risk.

o/p’s dh could go PT as well and earn 45k. I bet o/p is not suggesting that though so he can have an easier life.

I think you’re BU to work part time when that clearly isn’t something you can agree on. I think someone should only rely on anyone financially when they have their complete agreement, which you don’t.

I also think you’re BU doing all the housework like it’s your job to be released from.

I’m the higher earner in my home, by some way, and I wouldn’t support my partner to work part time while I worked full time. That’s not teamwork, and I’m not a bank.

My minimum expectation is that both of the adults in my house contribute to all aspects of it.

how much were you earning pre children? Was it similar to your husband to be paying 50/50 or what it the same job you have now but FT? Which would make your salary still low in comparison & 50/50 not fair.

you are married, meant to be a partnership & supporting each other & this is not happening.

I wondered if potentially you earn the same as him before so its a struggle to lose that income & still live the same lifestyle + children costs.

are you are aware of the household bills and how much is being spent.

you need to sit down & go over everything with husband, not just money but childcare/house jobs etc.

Your husband sounds grim, sorry.

i think part time is great if you can afford it while they’re small.

If your DH gave a fuck about the family finances he'd have paid the £700 credit card bill a long long time ago. I'm in favour of some element of separate finances for any adult but this set up is insane. You have a collective family income of 107k which is comfortable. Your kids are very young and you can afford as a family for you to be part time until the youngest starts school. Your DH sounds like a total dick btw. Running a household/family is a team sport.

She clearly said she pays half the household bills, 100% of groceries, 100% of her own car costs. The only other household thing that jumps out to me is rent or mortgage which presumably he pays but that would be fair enough (IMO) given she pays the groceries.

She is single-handedly savings the shared cost of 2 full days of childcare a week.

My DH works PT also and does the childcare on the remaining weekdays he is off. That's his job those days. He earns c. 20k pre-tax and I'm on c 85k. Id never dream of saying his contribution the family is less than mine. In fact, the amount he physically contributes to our bank account reduced last year because we decided together he should be contributing more to his pension than he had been.

So yes, the financial burden is on me, and I worry about it always (if I got sick, if I was fired etc) but I definitely don't tell my DH I'm embarrassed by his job or that he needs to get a better job.

I have to wonder why he opted to marry and have children with someone he's apparently so ashamed of?

I did support my partner to work part time at various points. He had the opportunity to reduce his workload and at that point the kids needed a lot of ferrying around. Once they turned 17 and learned to drive he went full time again.

he supported me through mat leave, and for 6 months when I hated my job so much I took voluntary redundancy and needed a few months to get a new position.

then again at another point both of us went 4 days which meant only 3 days a week in nursery for the kids.

I have no problem supporting dh when needed. But it’s only ever short term and if it benefitted the family, including me.

If he’d decided he was going PT or giving up work because I was the higher earner and earned enough to support him, that wouldn’t have lasted long.