To want to work part time?

[LavenderFlamingo]

I currently work 3 days a week in a public sector role and my pre tax salary is around £17k. My husband works full time in the energy sector and has a pre tax salary of £90k. The major argument in our house since kids has been money.

Before kids when I earned a full time wage i was able to pay 50:50 on most things with my husband, since kids I can no longer do this. I still contribute 2/3rds of my wage every month to household bills (energy, council tax) with the rest of my money going towards my petrol, family food shopping and maintenance of my car. I have no savings now and am spending my full wage on basic living every month. I also have outstanding credit card debt (£700) from my last maternity leave which i am trying to pay off monthly.

My husband has started getting on at me to change jobs and earn more money because he's tired of "supporting the family" (my financial contribution is less than his so clearly doesn't count in his eyes). Where we live there are very few part time jobs advertised that pay anything like what I earn now, majority are minimum wage. The only solution to me earning more money is going back full time which I resent when my husband could comfortably afford for me to be part time.

I know i am being selfish but I want to spend time with our children (currently 1 & 3) before they start school. My husband also told me this morning that he finds it humiliating when he has to tell people that I work in the public sector.

My husband does little housework and I do all the cooking. I also do all childcare pick ups and drop offs, doctors appointments and general life admin. I know that would remain the same if I worked full time.

Aibu to want to stay part time? Or does anyone have any tips for finding decent paid part time work? I feel like I'm drowning most days financially and can't ask my husband for help.

She has considered her long term finances. Her kids are 1 and 3... she has said she wants to stay part time until they are in school. That's not very far away at all.

Also, it sounds like if her DH went PT it actually wouldn't impact the family just his own personal funds.

What was discussed pre children?

Well, YABU because you allow yourself to be treated like this. There have surely been conversations over the years, both pre-children and perhaps after the first was born but before you had the second, about family finances, childcare, etc. It is ridiculous that you went into debt to cover your maternity leave, that you are paying a disproportionate amount of household expenses from your wages, and that you refer to “asking your husband for help.”

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your husband wanting to talk about you going back to work full-time. I’m not saying you should, there are all sorts of things to think about, would the children benefit from having two days at home rather than at nursery, does the nursery even have room for them to increase their days, would what you earn even cover the cost of the additional nursery days. Maybe the answer is somewhere in the middle, so maybe an agreement that you will look for a full-time job when the eldest starts school. But whatever the answer is, even if you do look for a full-time job, there needs to be a more equitable split of household finances right now until you do find a better-paying job.

Because people can’t change their minds? Or make changes if things aren’t working out as planned?

YANBU I'm sorry you're husband is so unreasonable. I work part time in the public sector and my partner contributes much more £££ to the household finances. He has never made me feel bad for earning significantly less (despite being a professional) and recognises that I'm working just as hard at home to run the household and all the mental load of having two young children. We both contribute, just in different ways that are valuable, if your husband cant see that then I'm sorry!

Or because people make a plan before having kids and make sure they are on the same page

He is on 90k and his wife had to get into debt to take maternity leave with their shared child. He isn't carrying anyone. It's OP who is carrying his share of childcare and housework whilst also contributing to the bills.

I would sit down with your husband and say you are going to look for a full time job and once you start full time all jobs cooking, cleaning and childcare need to be split 50/50 and if the children are poorly or have appointments you need to take it in turns having time off work to look after them and take them to appointments. If he agrees then I think its fair for you to go back full time.

In much the same way I wouldn’t have a family with a man who expected me to work part time and carry more household load, or be a SAHM, I don’t think those who want to do any of those things should be having children and expecting someone to fund them when they evidently don’t want to.

Similar this. My DH is part time. For childcare reasons, one of us had to go PT and I outward him by a significant amount. I would have loved to go PT but it didn't make sense. It's short term (although probably spans 5 years total) and it works as we can schedule non urgent appointments for his off days, his job in totality is a bit more flexible in terms of chauffeuring the older teen around etc.

In a marriage, and especially with shared children it just isn't fair to be financially abusing the partner.

In this instance, it's short term, the OP is still contributing financially and actually getting herself into debt so it doesn't impact the husband, and she's saving them childcare costs.

Life is not without risk. I'm not stupid, I'm aware of all the things that can go wrong, I'm aware my retirement will likely be very poor, dh could get hit by a bus and we'd all be fucked. To be honest even if I worked full time it wouldnt make a huge difference. I simply don't have the earning power. I try to look on the brightside and not stress too much about what might happen. Bit of a gloomy way to live. In any case, the op's husband earns £90k for goodness sake, that should be plenty, if it isn't then they are living well above their means. (Not on mumsnet obviously, but in the real world)

She's in a much better position to know it than anyone on here who doesn't know either of them and just made an assumption.

OP can indeed leave him. Which doesn't mean that him engaging in the sensible planning and labour splitting that you described in your previous post is one of the options on the table.

Oh god here we go about invoicing dh for your services or needing a cleaner /gardener/housekeeper for you to return full time - when in reality people working full time in stressful jobs don’t have that ! Me and my husband did all the cleaning/chores/gardening etc ourselves with young children and full time jobs. ( still managed hobbies and social life)

anyway, 1) what did you discuss and agree before having children in terms of when/if you’d return to full time 2) is husband feeling pressure in his job ( eg possible redundancy, worry about money 3) if you’re SE 90k gross salary isn’t huge if you have mortgage etc

you need to have a sensible conversation and both agree a plan

Th3sw were my thoughts too.

This is an extremely good point. Offer to go back to work full time but work out the cost for replacing all of your labour (childcare- nursery costs for full time places are astronomical, a cleaner etc etc) and tell him you’ll do it but he has to fork out for all of these extra expenses it will bring in.
He doesn’t sound like he is being fair.

The point you've just made is that YOU AND YOUR DH did all that... the OPs husband isn't doing it though. He expects her to do it all.

She doesn’t say that at all!

Apologies, I was wrong. She doesn't contribute 50% of the household bills, she contributes 2/3rds of her wages (so almost £1k pretax a month...yikes).

The rest of my comments was accurate.

That's a very shocking attitude that your husband has regarding being humiliated that you work in the private sector, how utterly pretentious!

If you go full time your husband will need to accept that means an equal share of parenting and housework etc. If not then that's not going to work for you. If he is earning 90k, no way should you be responsible for paying off credit card bills while on maternity leave.

That whole thing would definitely give me the ick.

I would work out the childcare cost difference and tell him he would have to pay that. He might back pedal when he finds out it’s quite expensive as the 30 free hours are more like 22 hours stretched. It’s the cost vs benefit calculation

this. My late husband was massively proud that I worked in the NHS and what I achieved. Are the kids you care for not his? and as @sunshine244 says, exactly what does this prince among men bring to the party?

Hate these threads where the OP doesn’t actually engage with it after their initial post. What is the point of everyone sharing their advice and experience if the OP can’t be arsed to reply 🤷🏻‍♀️

What was the conversation when you decided to work part time? Was his career prioritised? I can understand him not wanting to carry the financial burden but if you are to step up financially, he needs to step up in other ways.

Well-paid part time work is only normally possible if you go part time as a professional eg. accountant, solicitor, doctor.
Your husband can't be too bright if he's embarrassed by you being a CS. It's great for families - great pension, almost impossible to be sacked, can totally take the piss with health etc problems.
Do point out that you'd need to share children duties and domestic duties if you were working full time - for instance, if the child is ill, can he take 2 days off?

Ok, change the description to idle in the household. That better for you?

Did you notice the sentence where the OP stated that if she went back to work f/t she'd still he expected to do all the housework?

You think that's ok just because he earns £90k?