To want to work part time?

[LavenderFlamingo]

I currently work 3 days a week in a public sector role and my pre tax salary is around £17k. My husband works full time in the energy sector and has a pre tax salary of £90k. The major argument in our house since kids has been money.

Before kids when I earned a full time wage i was able to pay 50:50 on most things with my husband, since kids I can no longer do this. I still contribute 2/3rds of my wage every month to household bills (energy, council tax) with the rest of my money going towards my petrol, family food shopping and maintenance of my car. I have no savings now and am spending my full wage on basic living every month. I also have outstanding credit card debt (£700) from my last maternity leave which i am trying to pay off monthly.

My husband has started getting on at me to change jobs and earn more money because he's tired of "supporting the family" (my financial contribution is less than his so clearly doesn't count in his eyes). Where we live there are very few part time jobs advertised that pay anything like what I earn now, majority are minimum wage. The only solution to me earning more money is going back full time which I resent when my husband could comfortably afford for me to be part time.

I know i am being selfish but I want to spend time with our children (currently 1 & 3) before they start school. My husband also told me this morning that he finds it humiliating when he has to tell people that I work in the public sector.

My husband does little housework and I do all the cooking. I also do all childcare pick ups and drop offs, doctors appointments and general life admin. I know that would remain the same if I worked full time.

Aibu to want to stay part time? Or does anyone have any tips for finding decent paid part time work? I feel like I'm drowning most days financially and can't ask my husband for help.

He has no respect for you, he’s embarrassed and seems to dislike you.

I’d research what your finances would be if you LTB and consider it.

where is his money going? Seriously! Why are you in debt? He is not allowing you to have a single penny or a moments rest from the mental load. Abusive.

Hubs is our main earner so we have a 70/30 financial contribution split. He works 60 hour weeks in a stressful job and is also a fibro sufferer. I’d say I pick up 70% of the household stuff so overall we both make a 100% contribution to our household.

OP, our salaries are almost identical to yours - I work three days a week. My DH pays for everything, all mortgages, bills and half the food shop. The only thing I pay for is half the food shopping.

I’ve suggested going full time but he refuses. He’s due a big promotion next year and would like me to not work at all (I will be!).

My DH can be financially controlling at times - but yours needs to be more supportive, especially with small children.

If you left him you’d probably be better off.

But she wouldn't have to. They are grown ups so as a couple they need to sit down and plan who does what and when. It's not rocket science. It's how mature couples work/live together happily.

He's fed up of being the main earner, who drags everyone on his back. Simple.
I wouldn't support another adult for any reason.
Ever.
Having this responsibility is simply dismissed here.
Before you all start with vulgarities, YABU, OP.
Big time.

OP specifically says she'd still be doing all of that even if she worked FT.

I agree that communication about these things is how mature couples organise things and be happy, but it does require both parties to be willing.

Why are you paying for the food shop??

Doesn’t sound like he is though? OP is spending all her income on household stuff and he’s swanning around with a big chunk of 90 grand a year!

How is he carrying her though?
She is paying her way...?

What a prince among men your husband sounds.

This marriage was never going to end well.

It doesn't even sound like he likes you or the kids.

I cannot believe you got into credit card debt on mat leave.

I'd end the marriage. He'd have to pay you child maintenance.

A 1 year old and a 3 year old.
just repeating that in case posters think the OP is part time to do yoga and lunch. She is spending time with her very small children, who will be better off for having a couple of days a week with their parent.

I think the problem is he’ll feel trapped in his job as he shoulder the majority of the financial responsibility

it’s the same as stay at home parent that start to resent doing everything at home

at one point I was the sole earner I absolutely hated it and like SAHP feel it there just unpaid childcare and cleaner sloe earners feel there just a cash cow

the issue is once resentment kicks in in it’s difficult to get past

Yes but on here it’s only the SAHP resentment that is really acknowledged. It’s validated and supported.

the earner resentment is dismissed

I can’t see how earner resentment is a thing in this case? She appears to be paying more than her fair share and has no money left each month he meanwhile is earning 90 grand and keeping a large chunk while she has nothing!

Divorce him. Take half of everything and child support. Problem solved!

I'm really sorry OP, but this arrangement is absurd. It's not 'your money' and 'his money'. You are married with children - it's your family's money for goodness sake!!

My DC is at school, but I work part time because wrap around care is not available and we don't have family to look after them.

My DH earns nearly 4 times what I do, and both our incomes go into the same joint bank account every month, where all bills and family expenses come out from. What's left over we discuss between us what we would like to buy/do with the 'fun' money. Nobody is entitled to more or less because of how much they earn. Our roles are equally important in our family and everyone's needs and wants are catered for.

Your husband sounds financially abusive. Sorry.

You don’t know how much their bills are, how much he pays, what he’s left with. None of that is explained so while I’m talking about the burden of being an earner I generally terms, you’re making up facts about the op’s situation.

If my DH earned £90k and l had children l would feel l had no need to work- running a household and children is plenty- your DH is in a family which you are a part of his support is nothing he should be complaining about- why does he feel the need for lots of disposable cash?
You need to get a grip on the finances and know where every penny is going- then, I suspect ,you will understand your DH's ridiculous need for help with the family finances.

Yes there is, if the man does not want to be sole earner.

it’s a partnership. Both have to be in agreement with finances and home care. Dh and I are more secure with us both working in lower pressure jobs as it gives us both more time with the kids, and we feel more financially secure as if one loses their job or cannot work the other can pick up the slack.

if o/p’s dh is worried about their finances and doesn’t feel his job is secure enough or brings in a large enough income to be comfortable then he is within his rights to bring this up and discuss how they can both contribute. That could be anything from both taking less demanding roles, to both going 4 days, to buying in cleaners and household help. I

a partnership. It is selfish to decide not to woth if the other disagrees. It’s selfish to decide to not contribute to kids and home if the other does not want to do it.

however the o/p’s dh reference to being embarrassed about her job makes his sound like a dick.

o/p if I were you I’d be making sure you keep you employment prospects and start paying into pensions and savings. If you split he’s not going to share his earnings with you. Make sure you are ok if he does walk.

How can she know this? If he doesn't pull his weight than she can leave him. She has a choice.

No, she wouldn't have to. I know I know.. many women would say that if they don't do it, then nobody will. But it still doesn't mean that "have to".
I would totally stop doing all the housework. I would also sit down with him and show him how much additional childcare is going to cost HIM if OP were to go full time and how the rest of life admin and cleaning is going to be divvied up between the two of them. And then very much stick to it. If he wants 50/50, he needs to see what it looks like in terms of shared responsibility for everything and not just finances.

What's the hourly rate for a nanny or housekeeper? Balance that off against the OPs full time salary and then reconsider that statement.

The OP could do with putting an invoice in front of her idle half-witted spouse. Marriage and parenting is a team effort.

Abusive?! 🤣 Don't be ridiculous. She is choosing not to work fully and he is totally entitled to resent that. Describing this as abuse is deeply offensive to people who are actually abused.

She got into debt on maternity leave. This suggests he didn't support her while she wasn't earning due to having his baby. How's that not a sign of financial abuse?
Regarding working full or part time - the people in the equation aren't just the two adults, the children count too. A good parent does what's best for them.

'Idle and half witted'. He's working full-time and bringing in £90k, (which I believe puts him in the top 10% of all salaries in the UK). This has to be up there with one of the most stupid sentences I've ever read on here. And there's an awful lot of stupid on Mumsnet!