When to stop paying parents for childcare.

[DearLemonMaker]

My mum has looked after my kids since covid. When it hit she decided to close her business. I would pay her 400/500 for her to have my youngest in the day and pick other one up from school. Even when I started putting the youngest in nursery I still paid her.

6 years later and we are still paying, but now my husband is questioning more and more. Like many families costs are going up, kids are now all at an age where they have more clubs (11,6) etc and he thinks we should stop paying.

Now she still picks up the youngest from school and has them for an hour. My husband and I are both home working now so could pick them up and they would be fine chilling for an hour but she says it gives her something to do. She also does come round in the day and help with cleaning...but again this annoys my husband when he working at home and she is cleaning.

My parents earned good money when they worked but as self employed they don't have a pension just state. They gifted money for a deposit and when I was younger treat me all the time. My husband says that's what parents do and the house money was a gift (sister got a wedding)

Im really tied. My mum keeps saying how skint they are and if I wasn't for my money she would have to get a job....but on the other hand my parents go out drinking 5 nights a week and go abroad multiple times a year so my husband says they are not skint but I know most goes on credit cards.

My husband is finding it frusting when i say 'we cant afford to do that' and says i need to have a conversation. He says he is happy to pick up cleaning if she doesn't do it or grab kids from school.

I really don't know what to do....

Yeah you need to give her plenty of notice but can the arrangement.

Team DH. Can't you just talk to her, tell her the current arrangement no longer suits you ?

Well.... Have the hours that she had the children decreased?? Had the annoying you paid her ever changed?
Work out what the hourly rate is that you are paying her and compete it to what other childcare would cost.

Team DH here too!

How old are your parents?
And yes they may have to get jobs to sustain their lifestyle of constant holidays and going out.

Plus I think she’s knows it’s wrong to keep taking your money and is trying to guilt trip you by saying that she’s skint without your money.
You now need to be putting that money away for your kids or spending it on them.

She’s telling you she’s skint because she knows the arrangement is coming to an end and is using guilt to string it out.

Is that £400 a week? - if so you’re paying her £20,000 a year tax free.

time to give them notice
the arrangement isn’t needed / necessary and it’s costing you a lot which you need for your own family
they have skills and they need to the back into the job market

I think it's sickening for her to take that money.

Stop paying her.

If it "gives her something to do", that implies she sees it more as a hobby-type thing than a job.

MIL had kindly looked after our 12yo for years. We'd have paid her in the past if she had needed it but not now that DS goes over once a week after school purely because they like seeing each other.

Give your mum notice (maybe end of this school year).

You are paying your mum £400 per week/month to do one school pick up and watch DGC for an hour?

As a woman of your mums age, going back to work will be daunting for her if she used to being self employed and she’s been out of the work game for a while now. But that’s not say that she shouldn’t do it. Your arrangement with her isn’t working for you anymore on many levels….you don’t actually need her for childcare, you can manage pick ups yourself, you can do your own housework and actually you just can’t afford anymore. Any one of those reasons would be enough singularly, let alone collectively. Someone may argue, do you need a reason? If it’s not working anymore, it’s not working.

I know it’s your mum and you’re obviously very awkward about telling her this. But any mum ( I’d hope) wouldn’t want you to pay for some you can no longer afford.

don’t get me wrong, I’ve been retired for 2 years now. I’d hate to go back to work and we’ve luckily afforded for me to retire relatively early. But I wouldn’t expect my family to be paying for me to be off. Your mum will have to start budgeting and thinking about money a bit more, that’s all.

I'd give her until May half term and end the arrangement.

Give her notice but explain as the kids are getting older, they want to come home after school and you can work that between you and dh.

It’s perfectly reasonable with notice to end the arrangement. I would look at the cost of wraparound care for what they do provide so you’re not just saying you’ll stop paying but still expect them to do XYZ.

Saying “the level of care we need has changed and we’ve looked at the figures and it will be much more economical for us to use the after school club” is perfectly reasonable. It’s not your responsibility to subsidise your parents but it would be unfair to pull the rug with no notice. I would suggest that you keep this arrangement for the rest of the school year and then go from there. That’s ample notice for your mum and exceeds what an employee would get.

So you’re paying her £400-£500 a month for picking up your DCs an hour a day? Is it every day?

As PP has said you definitely need to give her notice, I would say end of May is reasonable. Tell her that as the kids get older and as you both WFH you can pick them up. I think I’d gently point out I needed to save for their future.

@DearLemonMaker it really isn't very difficult.
You tell your mum that with the COL and the children being older and more expensive you have to cut back. So you have won't be needing the childcare or cleaning from September (new school year) as you wanted to give her plenty of notice.
They aren't skint if they go out drinking every night and have multiple holidays. Even if on credit cards they still have a limit and have to be paid back.
She then has 6 months to find a job to replace the money or cut back equivalent spending.
You've been more than generous for longer than needed already.

Personally we wouldn’t take a penny for looking after our grandchildren. I’m surprised at your DM, as it’s clear she doesn’t need the money other than to enhance her lifestyle.
Can it, but give her warning.

Well they can’t be skint if they go to the pub every night & go abroad a few times a year. You would be better off saving that money for the kids in case they want to go to uni/towards first home or even paying off your own mortgage quicker.

Is it 400/month? I would give her until the summer. I don’t think an 11yo needs as much looking after if a parent wfh and can make them lunch & be there during the day.

How old is she? She won’t be getting pension until 66 or 67, so how many more years ‘pay’ is she expecting?

What @Seelybe said. And to make you feel better - if you have paid them £5000 a year for 10 years, have you balanced out the house deposit they gave you. ,yet?

A good solution would be for her to get a job at the pub.

It sounds as if you are giving your DM pocket money and can no longer afford this. I think you need to have an honest conversation with her. If she started cleaning to make up the hours, she could look at expanding this as she has previous experience of being self-employed.

I’m with you’re husband on this.The advantage of kids getting older is saving money on childcare.

Talk to her.

If payment stops you absolutely cannot be relying on her to still pick up the kids or occasionally step in unless you start to pay her again.

But if you want to stop paying, stop the arrangement. Just explain that situations have changed, that you can now support picking up yourselves with clubs if needed. Make it clean, give her c. 1 month's notice and job's a good'un.

Problem is you won't then be able to go back and ask for favours IMO at least not on a frequent basis so be sure you're ready to step away.

I can not get my head around parents paying Grandparents to look after their own Grandchildren. I am not financially well of at all but charging my children to look after my own Granchildren would be even considered

£400/500 a month? Which is it, isn't it a set amount?

It sounds like the amount she does has decreased and it's frankly very cheeky of her to not have said sooner that you don't need to keep sending them the money but also strange of you to send the same amount once the child is in nursery as well.

You need to stop it. If you want them to do pick ups and pay a small amount then do that but otherwise just drop the arrangement.