I come from a Romany gypsy & Irish traveller family. General chat…

[TT0107]

Just as the title suggests. I’ve noticed how travellers have become more accepted and tbh a bit idolised over social media (The people who are watching and liking those particular videos). Anyway my mum was raised in a horse drawn wagon moving around, my dad moved around with horses too but was staying in trailers (Caravans). Dad is Irish and mum is Romany. I don’t really interact with people nowadays and no matter the ordinary life I live I still feel deep inside that I’m just different no matter what. Not in a bad way, just that the way I was raised will always be there. My youngest child is mixed race, her father being black and my dad has never met her and has no interest to. I guess I went against the grain although to be quite honest my mother raised me very very well. Respect was always standard there was no time for disrespectful children when it came to my mum. I’d never walk into someone’s home with shoes on. Never help myself to food or drink. Never just get up and use the toilet without asking. Don’t touch anything, ornaments and anything tbh wasn’t to be touched by children. Don’t dare use the show plates. My mum never allowed anyone in her place ever. She had a hate for anyone who drank or smoked, well til this day you’d never see her sitting or standing with anyone drinking or smoking. I wasn’t allowed to go round friends houses as a child or teenager apart from 1 girl who only had a mother and sisters at home. This is just a light hearted chat if anyone wants to contribute. My mum never went to school as a child so therefore couldn’t read or write but she’s taught herself little bits along the way. She ended up with my stepdad over 30 years ago now who has provided her a lifestyle most can only dream off. Her life up until a few years back was just horses and cleaning the home. I do feel that the way my mum raised me has made me a very over protective person which I’m glad about. My mum would never steal from anybody (Just addressing the stereotype), she’s a very holy woman and even if she didn’t have a pound to her name and she saw someone unknowingly drop money she’d stop and hand it back to them. I’m a carer by job and everyone I visit and care for i can guarantee nothing, absolutely nothing will be trivialised with me. I do take extra time and effort to do the little things for these people and I care for them as if they were my own family and if I ever saw or heard anything untoward whether from their family member or even other staff carers I would take it upon myself to protect and I wouldn’t stop until something was done. (That should be standard for all carers but it isn’t always unfortunately) Again my mum raised me a very empathetic way and to see the things that people regularly overlook in life. She is a deeply compassionate woman more than I’ve ever known anyone to be in this life.

I don’t really understand why you’d think you were ‘raised well’ when your parents are an illiterate woman who instilled weird habits in you about not touching things and wouldn’t let you go to visit your friends, and a racist who hasn’t met his own grandchild because he’s mixed race.

Both my (non-Traveller) parents were illiterate. It was very difficult being more literate than your parents aged five and having to fill out forms for them and read the instructions on medication etc, and they never engaged with school, avoided parents’ evenings, tried to get me to leave school early.

All your “rules” which supposedly show how well raised you are tend to be pretty standard manners to be honest! Not sure what point you’re trying to make.

I'm intrigued how your parents met? Is there an acceptable connection between Roma and travellers, like more acceptance than settled people? I've never heard of someone being both before!

I expect the OP meant ‘raised well’ in terms of good core values such as respect and care.

OP, your post is warm and vulnerable full of love, thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you always feel like an outsider. My family don’t have traveller / Romany heritage but for other reasons I also always used to feel like that. Nowadays though, as I am old, I have come to realise that the vast majority of us feel like our - outsiders or imposters - it’s ironically very normal, and once you realise that, the feeling really starts to melt away…

Also the fact that your mum didn’t steal isn’t something to be especially proud of - it’s normal!

@Ribbonwort I don’t see how raising children to be respectful is weird. Would you let your child walk into someone’s house shoes on without asking if thats ok and then run into their kitchen helping themselves in the fridge and cupboards. I would still never do that now. I would never get up and walk straight into another room of someone I’m caring for without asking/ making them aware first. Just a simple “I’m just gona pop to the toilet quickly” I’m just going to take this clean washing into your bedroom to put them away ect instead of just going about my business without making them aware of what I’m doing in their home. That is respect to me and I wouldn’t change it for the world. A lot of the people I care for get overwhelmed when carers come in and start touching their things or follow the care notes example doing cleaning without actually asking them if it’s ok to do first. My dad is racist, I didn’t actually mention much about my dad and how he raised me because I don’t share the same views as him obviously. My mum isn’t.

Don’t know why you have had sour responses, you sound a nice person OP

I think you're getting a lot of bad comments here! I'm interested in your life and it does sound like you were raised well to be very polite and you are caring towards others. There's a lot of prejudice against gypsies and travellers still. It's interesting to hear from your perspective. Do your children feel the prejudice of their heritage?

@Greyblankie Hence why I put stereotype in brackets! I wasn’t suggesting the majority of people aren’t raised to be respectful, I was stating that in my case with my mum it was very very extreme if you will, far more than other travellers we knew or in the family which is why I emphasised on it

@custardlover Yes that’s exactly it. I’m not posting to say I’m better than anyone else or was raised better. I’m just stating that my mums values has or maybe not made me into an a very empathetic person. Maybe I’m just this way naturally who knows

I’m glad your mother instilled empathy in you but I don’t see anything particularly outstanding about your upbringing. All of the kids I knew who grew up in the 70s had similar attitudes to boundaries and the behaviour of children in other people’s houses. This was largely due to post war social and moral attitudes about respect for authority and other people’s property.

I would love the GRT community to embrace issues around education and aspiration for their girls and young women.

I'm severely disabled myself and I would love to be cared by someone like you. It's so important to feel valued and that you still have your wishes asked about and respected. It makes you feel more connected to the world and not just a job that has to be done. Caring for someone in the same way you would want for your own family is a beautiful sentiment. Thank you for bringing your expertise and heart into what is a very important and challenging job. Xx

I was raised the same way and I lack empathy so I tend to think it’s nature vs nurture

@user946372 It’s fine it says more about them tbh to come straight with snidy comments. I’m not suggesting all travellers are raised well or the same way because they aren’t of course. My oldest son who’s nearly 16 has felt that way. He left school 2 years ago to work with my brother but school wasn’t working for him anyway, he had a horrible experience with bullying and teachers were just as bad.

This is what I thought but assumed I might have missed something in the wall of text.

OP you might be interested to take a look at the AMA section of Mumsnet. There are absolutely tons of threads from travellers and gypsies.

Absolutely, when you’re working in a vulnerable person’s home as a carer, you are respectful about their space and belongings — but that’s professional behaviour, and nothing to do either having been trained as a child not to touch anything! It’s great that you’re obviously a carer who takes her job seriously, but that has nothing that I can see to do with your Traveller/Roma upbringing.

I mean, I get that you’re implicitly responding to stereotypes about Traveller dishonesty, but the overwhelming majority of parents don’t steal, and teach their children not to help themselves out of other people’s grudges uninvited! They also do this while allowing their children to play at their friends’ houses, and allowing other people into their homes.

I think OP is just stating that her mother instilled certain values in her which many people (with unconscious bias or deliberate) might assume wouldn't happen in a traveller community.

I don't think she's saying the parenting was perfect or that her mum is amazingly virtuous, rather that her upbringing and mum's behaviour didn't conform to the negative stereotypes which exists .

@Screamingabdabz Traveller girls can choose to go into further education or employment if they want but in most cases they don’t want to. They aren’t raised as slaves at home cooking and cleaning who aren’t allowed to go out or have a life of their own. We are taught about cleaning from a young age and the older girls will teach the younger ones too. Boys will go out working with men and earning money probably more than you and I from young ages. The reason why the children are removed from school before starting high school is because travellers don’t want other kids bad habits rubbing off on them. I didn’t let my oldest son go out with anyone and everyone he wanted to. He’s a happy child he builds extensions with my brother, does plastering, brickwork, laying patios, fencing anything you can think off. He’s more interested in learning this work and earning money than be out with other boys. He has cousins similar ages working with him too so he does have that socialisation

Fascinating topic @TT0107. I remember that old program about weddings and that people tended to marry young, because living together wasn't acceptable. Is that still the case and is religion still very important (as it was portrayed in the program)?

@Ribbonwort The reason my mum didn’t allow me to go round friends houses is because no one knows what goes on behind closed doors in others homes. She didn’t trust anybody with her children and she didn’t want me to be exposed to parents who drink, smoke, do drugs and she was especially concerned about sexual abuse. I am the same with my children. I never have and never will allow them over friends houses if I’m not there. I would never allow sleepovers. I don’t care if the dad of her friend was a doctor, lawyer or a teacher I view everyone as a potential predator to my children. I don’t trust anybody at all. I will sleep well knowing I’m not taking that risk with my children and every time this topic has popped up in conversation in person, every woman or her mother has experienced sexual abuse- yes I am aware it’s mostly done by close friends and family members.

@BruFord Yes it’s still common to marry young and set up a home, very traditional. There are just as many travellers who live by the other way of life and don’t have much to do with the “Lifestyle” so to speak. It’s more common in Irish travellers to stay within the community and follow the lifestyle they were raised.

She has mentioned that because of stereotypes attached to her ethnicity. She didn’t say it’s something to be proud of.

“They aren’t raised as slaves at home cooking and cleaning who aren’t allowed to go out or have a life of their own. We are taught about cleaning from a young age and the older girls will teach the younger ones too.”

Sorry op. I appreciate your answers and your sincerity but with respect, these two statements pretty much contradict each other.

I understand that culturally girls are raised to follow traditional female domestic roles so it’s no surprise they don’t ‘choose’ to aspire to higher education. The ones that do are rare exceptions and that tells you something in itself.

You let your son leave school at 13? That's not anything to be proud of

@BeNavyCrabAw Thankyou. I do make the people I care for feel valued and nothing is too big of an ask. I don’t like referring to them as “service users” either. I never use that term. I guess I’ve just seen other carers come in and they are in work mode on autopilot and yes they care for people but there’s the deep compassion side missing. I’ve always felt myself that people can be listening but not really hearing what you’re saying so I always make sure that no one feels that way around me x