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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I come from a Romany gypsy & Irish traveller family. General chat…

182 replies

TT0107 · 11/04/2026 23:31

Just as the title suggests. I’ve noticed how travellers have become more accepted and tbh a bit idolised over social media (The people who are watching and liking those particular videos). Anyway my mum was raised in a horse drawn wagon moving around, my dad moved around with horses too but was staying in trailers (Caravans). Dad is Irish and mum is Romany. I don’t really interact with people nowadays and no matter the ordinary life I live I still feel deep inside that I’m just different no matter what. Not in a bad way, just that the way I was raised will always be there. My youngest child is mixed race, her father being black and my dad has never met her and has no interest to. I guess I went against the grain although to be quite honest my mother raised me very very well. Respect was always standard there was no time for disrespectful children when it came to my mum. I’d never walk into someone’s home with shoes on. Never help myself to food or drink. Never just get up and use the toilet without asking. Don’t touch anything, ornaments and anything tbh wasn’t to be touched by children. Don’t dare use the show plates. My mum never allowed anyone in her place ever. She had a hate for anyone who drank or smoked, well til this day you’d never see her sitting or standing with anyone drinking or smoking. I wasn’t allowed to go round friends houses as a child or teenager apart from 1 girl who only had a mother and sisters at home. This is just a light hearted chat if anyone wants to contribute. My mum never went to school as a child so therefore couldn’t read or write but she’s taught herself little bits along the way. She ended up with my stepdad over 30 years ago now who has provided her a lifestyle most can only dream off. Her life up until a few years back was just horses and cleaning the home. I do feel that the way my mum raised me has made me a very over protective person which I’m glad about. My mum would never steal from anybody (Just addressing the stereotype), she’s a very holy woman and even if she didn’t have a pound to her name and she saw someone unknowingly drop money she’d stop and hand it back to them. I’m a carer by job and everyone I visit and care for i can guarantee nothing, absolutely nothing will be trivialised with me. I do take extra time and effort to do the little things for these people and I care for them as if they were my own family and if I ever saw or heard anything untoward whether from their family member or even other staff carers I would take it upon myself to protect and I wouldn’t stop until something was done. (That should be standard for all carers but it isn’t always unfortunately) Again my mum raised me a very empathetic way and to see the things that people regularly overlook in life. She is a deeply compassionate woman more than I’ve ever known anyone to be in this life.

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2026 14:59

ChocolateAddictAlways · 12/04/2026 14:40

The shoes off thing is completely normal in lots of countries and is certainly becoming more common in the London. People are conscious of how dirty roads and pavements are and don't want to bring those shoes into domestic living spaces. It's actually very considerate when you think about it.

Here we go… it’s gone into shoes on/off. Both is normal, just depends what you are used to. (It’s not very considerate walking manky socks or bare feet or, even worse, second hand slippers through the house).

Bikenutz · 12/04/2026 16:14

ChocolateAddictAlways · 12/04/2026 14:40

The shoes off thing is completely normal in lots of countries and is certainly becoming more common in the London. People are conscious of how dirty roads and pavements are and don't want to bring those shoes into domestic living spaces. It's actually very considerate when you think about it.

Yes, I live in the countryside and shoes off at the door is mandatory because for half the year it is muddy, and the other half is dust!

Bikenutz · 12/04/2026 16:15

Interesting thread @TT0107 , thank you, and sorry for all the casual racism from some posters 💐

Fantomfartflinger · 12/04/2026 16:19

Idolise? last people I would idolise. Programs are made as a spectacle due to being so absurd.

TT0107 · 12/04/2026 16:28

@Fantomfartflinger It’s not programmes I’m referring to but the many traveller women with hundreds of thousands of followers across Facebook, TikTok ect. They are idolised there by their following.

OP posts:
asco · 12/04/2026 16:33

I'm in Ireland OP and have lived beside a settled traveller family for over 8yrs, we are moving soon, although not far, and I don't know who's more devastated, us or them😭
I moved in as a young (22 yr old) with a10mth old, newly pregnant and widowed a couple of months previously, and while I had plenty of family and friends nearby helping and supporting me, I would still have been lost without them, they took me under their wing and minded me.
They have 8 children, 5 boys and 3 girls, all educated to minimum Junior Cert - which is approx 16 yrs of age here but neither of them are literate beyond basic reading and writing.
One son and one daughter have married outside their culture and it has been fairly rocky with both sides having to learn to accommodate each others culture.
They are fairly traditional in that they believe the men are the "providers" while the women should be at home - she however is the real boss no matter what he thinks or says!!!
Spotless clean both inside and outside their house and she was horrified to discover I didn't own an iron and promptly insisted on coming in once a week and ironing everything - oh ok then😂.
Never ever allowed their younger kids or grandkids into my house unless they were present and sent mine packing if they ever scaled the fence and attempted to go in their back door but if he was gardening he would encourage them in to help.
All kids, young and old so so polite. Would do anything for me and mine. Took them a while to accept DH when we started officially dating - they had known him as my friend previously - and weren't behind the door in letting him know that if he crossed me he would have them to deal with.

They have family visit a couple of times a year in campers and towed caravans and they themselves warn me to move anything that is not nailed down as otherwise it will disappear, my bench from my front garden was suddenly not there when I came home one day, I knew it had to be them and went around to tell the visitors to return it NOW - one of the younger men jumped up and told me to watch my mouth, he then received a clip in the ear from an older man who went into his caravan and promptly started pulling out my bench and was told - and I quote
"Sorry about that missus, presumed you didn't want it as it was left outside so we were just getting rid of it for you, you should be more careful about what you leave outside if you don't want people just helping themselves"😳
I didn't tell my neighbour as he would be so mad and embarrassed. - so just like settled people - there are good and bad in every walk of life.

TT0107 · 12/04/2026 16:36

@LiviaDrusillaAugustaThankyou I appreciate. I know some travellers really do ask for trouble and bring a bad name upon all of us but there is good ones of us about. I really do believe everyone should be held accountable in life so I can accept the general stereotypes but it’s also nice when someone can be open minded to that there’s good in there too. My mum always says travellers aren’t what they used to be and that a lot of the younger ones now give a bad name.

OP posts:
ExpressCheckout · 12/04/2026 16:40

What an interesting thread @TT0107 thanks for posting.

Here is my question - I know they're young, but what would happen if one of your sons or daughter came out as gay/lesbian? How would that go down in the family and community?

QueenofDestruction · 12/04/2026 16:50

ChocolateAddictAlways · 12/04/2026 14:40

The shoes off thing is completely normal in lots of countries and is certainly becoming more common in the London. People are conscious of how dirty roads and pavements are and don't want to bring those shoes into domestic living spaces. It's actually very considerate when you think about it.

Not if you are a diabetic, I would never take my shoes off irs far too dangerous I have no idea what is on someone else's floor. I do not go into houses with this rule fortunately nobody I know well has it.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 12/04/2026 16:52

QueenofDestruction · 12/04/2026 16:50

Not if you are a diabetic, I would never take my shoes off irs far too dangerous I have no idea what is on someone else's floor. I do not go into houses with this rule fortunately nobody I know well has it.

Surely you don't have shoes on with bare feet? Confused If you do (like you wear sandals,) then take slippers or flip flops with you when you go to someone else's house! No-one should have to have mud dragged around their house.

TT0107 · 12/04/2026 16:56

@QueenofDestruction I’m type 1 diabetic and don’t have that worry. I wouldn’t take my shoes off in a house where the floors were very dirty anyway so if I have them off it means the floors are clean and I could see anything that could potentially stab into my feet.

OP posts:
ChocolateAddictAlways · 12/04/2026 17:23

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2026 14:59

Here we go… it’s gone into shoes on/off. Both is normal, just depends what you are used to. (It’s not very considerate walking manky socks or bare feet or, even worse, second hand slippers through the house).

Calm yourself down. I was just pointing out the reason people do it and that it's not a weird request.

ChocolateAddictAlways · 12/04/2026 17:26

QueenofDestruction · 12/04/2026 16:50

Not if you are a diabetic, I would never take my shoes off irs far too dangerous I have no idea what is on someone else's floor. I do not go into houses with this rule fortunately nobody I know well has it.

You are missing the point which is that it's not so unusual and not really a rude request. It's just something people do differently.

A builder who came to my friend's house this week automatically put on shoe covers which he pulled out from a whole bag he keeps. It's a thing now. And tbf not everyone is a Type 1 diabetic (which I imagine isn't easy so that wasn't meant in a snarky way)

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2026 17:28

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 12/04/2026 16:52

Surely you don't have shoes on with bare feet? Confused If you do (like you wear sandals,) then take slippers or flip flops with you when you go to someone else's house! No-one should have to have mud dragged around their house.

Er no thanks. I’m not risking breaking my neck walking round in my socks.

Most people are intelligent enough to know when the bottoms of their shoes are dirty. And how do you know that their flip flops have never touched the outside world?

The only other alternative is to lend visitors some skanky slippers that god-knows-who has worn.

Like a PP, I’m not risking my health (diabetic). If it means I can’t go then fine. luckily the people I know wouldn’t be so thoughtless

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2026 17:29

ChocolateAddictAlways · 12/04/2026 17:26

You are missing the point which is that it's not so unusual and not really a rude request. It's just something people do differently.

A builder who came to my friend's house this week automatically put on shoe covers which he pulled out from a whole bag he keeps. It's a thing now. And tbf not everyone is a Type 1 diabetic (which I imagine isn't easy so that wasn't meant in a snarky way)

Not unusual for you and the people you know.

Which is not the same as not unusual.

ChocolateAddictAlways · 12/04/2026 17:45

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2026 17:29

Not unusual for you and the people you know.

Which is not the same as not unusual.

I don't think it's unusual to keep your shoes on. I don't think it's unusual to take your shoes off. I haven't placed a value judgement on the former, I simply pointed out the reasoning behind the latter because I have met just as many families who take their shoes off as keep them on. The idea that it's unusual or rude to take them off comes across as a little ignorant, especially when there is a rationale for it. A PP seemed proud of the fact no one she knows well removes their shoes which suggests she has never bothered to enquire why people may do things differently to her and her immediate friends...

Stepping out of this thread now because clearly nuance is lacking on Mumsnet today...

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2026 18:56

The only time I have ever seen navel gazing about shoes on or off is on here. Everyone is very keen to say why they insist on it and make everyone do it, so it’s pretty clear, if a little neurotic. Like the PP I don’t know anyone who has a shoes off policy.

There is a rationale behind both choices. Luckily I don’t live in an area where people are apparently wading through dog shit and spit. And I prefer not to make visitors uncomfortable or inconvenience them, but perhaps that’s just me 🤷‍♀️

If you want to call me ignorant then crack on.

Dery · 12/04/2026 19:09

@TT0107 - i just wanted to say thank you so much for posting. Unfortunately some posters here are shoeing terrible prejudice but I have found the insights you are providing into Romany/Traveller life really interesting and illuminating. Thanks again.

InconsequentialFerret · 12/04/2026 19:12

For various reasons my carpets are in a mess and anyone who tries to take their shoes off is very much encouraged to put them straight back on again.

In the future, when I've finished renovating and decorating, and when I have new carpets, it'll definitely be no shoes allowed other than in the kitchen.

All shoes are dirty if you've been outside in them.

Dery · 12/04/2026 19:17

… showing terrible prejudice…

We are a shoes off household. My DH is Arab by origin and that is the habit in his family of origin. I have also spent quite a lot of time in a couple of Eastern European countries where it’s normal.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2026 19:33

InconsequentialFerret · 12/04/2026 19:12

For various reasons my carpets are in a mess and anyone who tries to take their shoes off is very much encouraged to put them straight back on again.

In the future, when I've finished renovating and decorating, and when I have new carpets, it'll definitely be no shoes allowed other than in the kitchen.

All shoes are dirty if you've been outside in them.

How do you know the ‘spare shoes’ haven’t been worn outside? Or will you provide the used slippers/environmentally
hideous shoe covers?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2026 19:35

Dery · 12/04/2026 19:17

… showing terrible prejudice…

We are a shoes off household. My DH is Arab by origin and that is the habit in his family of origin. I have also spent quite a lot of time in a couple of Eastern European countries where it’s normal.

i know it is usual in many cultures.

But it isn’t so cut and dried in the UK in general. It’s possible to not know people who are shoes off.

InsaneRise · 12/04/2026 20:01

@TT0107 we went to a festival once and the traveller field was the one that organised a lot of great activities for the children, so having young children ourselves, we hung out a lot there.

Can you say more about what your childhood was like. Were you in bricks and mortar by then? Did you have a sense of community?

I can see that you have strong values and knowing a little about care work and care workers can see how your values will be something that will make you particularly stand out to the people you care for.

QueenofDestruction · 12/04/2026 20:12

TT0107 · 12/04/2026 16:56

@QueenofDestruction I’m type 1 diabetic and don’t have that worry. I wouldn’t take my shoes off in a house where the floors were very dirty anyway so if I have them off it means the floors are clean and I could see anything that could potentially stab into my feet.

That's fine for you I am a type 1 too and have been one for so many years that I would not feel anything stabbing my foot and as neuropathy is so weird its too painful to wear socks I will keep my shoes on. I am not saying that cultures arent different I am saying one is not rude over the other and what is good manners differs. At the same time someone can have a shoe off policy and I can refuse to enter as to me it's rude, but I am not the ultimate decider of acceptable behaviour.

ScrimMN · 12/04/2026 20:14

@TT0107 I’ve really enjoyed reading through your posts, you sound like a lovely person with an interesting life and I’m so happy you went into caring

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