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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it's unfair to sell your home to fund care when older while others pay nothing.

1000 replies

SonnyHoney · 11/04/2026 16:39

I provide healthcare services to older people, which means I regularly visit care homes. It’s something I find quite upsetting at times. I see individuals who have worked hard all their lives, paid off their mortgages, and are now facing care home fees of around £2,000 a week.

Meanwhile, others are living in the same care homes with their costs largely covered, aside from a contribution from their pension.

I say this as someone from a working-class background and daughter of an immigrant (El salvador) who has had to work incredibly hard to get to where I am financially. I’m also very aware that one day my own parents may have to sell their home to fund their care.
My mum, for example, has run a cleaning business for years, she’s up early every morning and has worked long, physically demanding hours. She hopes to pass something on, but realistically, I feel it will likely be used to cover care costs .

Before anyone says “Why don’t you just care for her yourself and keep the house?” And of course, if I’m in a position to do that, I will. But the reality is that with older age, there can come a point where needs become too complex, and care at home is no longer possible.

Obviously, those who don't have houses to sell need care and have to go to a care home, but my point is it just feels unfair, really.

OP posts:
FairKoala · 11/04/2026 17:32

Vconcerned1 · 11/04/2026 16:45

So how does it work? I'm intrigued by this. Is it like schools, where you get state run schools and private ones... Private ones are ££££, but the state ones will be means tested as to how much you pay?

It’s more like private schools which have an over inflated terms fee because the ones that can pay the fees are funding themselves and those who can’t pay as well

shiningstar2 · 11/04/2026 17:32

The even bigger irony is that self funders are charged more than those being funded by the council. Same rooms, same food, same carers but charged more than others. How can this be fair? It wouldn't happen in any other business setting.

nevernotmaybe · 11/04/2026 17:34

TeenLifeMum · 11/04/2026 17:30

I think people want to see hard work paying off - it’s a line we’ve always been sold but doesn’t always seem true.

They got to the end off their lives with a secure house, it paid of plenty for that person. You can't the take the house into the ground with you.

angieloumc · 11/04/2026 17:34

TheStepboardisfullofbitteroddos · 11/04/2026 16:53

It's ridiculous, my grandparents worked and saved all their lives to have their house sold and used in care fees within a year- it was a very modest semi in a northern town.

To add insult to injury they were then given a budget on how much they could spend on toiletries/ clothing and even xmas gifts- £30per grandchildren was what the admin lady deemed appropriate. Budgeting their own savings- while absolute wasters who'd done nothing their entire lives were in the same place getting it all for free. Some of them very vocal about how much better they'd had it/ work was for idiots etc.

So people who haven’t been able to buy a house are ‘absolute wasters’? I find it really shocking and very sad that you feel this way. I also find it
difficult to believe people at that home were vocal about not working.
And I say that as someone whose mum was going to have to sell her home to pay for her care but she unfortunately passed away before she could.
Some of the cheaper homes we looked at were very basic, so frankly she was lucky to have the ability to
pay for better care.

Humperton · 11/04/2026 17:34

TeenLifeMum · 11/04/2026 17:30

I think people want to see hard work paying off - it’s a line we’ve always been sold but doesn’t always seem true.

People who don't own homes can work hard too. Financial wealth is not the only marker of integrity or effort. That's a lie we all tell ourselves and each other.

Fifthtimelucky · 11/04/2026 17:34

I think it’s right in principle that people who can afford to do so pay for their own care.

The unfairness I think is that people with certain medical conditions have their care homes funded, whereas those with others (eg dementia) don’t.

ProudCat · 11/04/2026 17:35

What's unfair is that people are being fleeced by care homes.

I'm a teacher. I work 60 hours a week. I don't own my house. My entire family for generations have paid into this country and fought in its wars. Are you suggesting that it's unfair that I might receive care without selling a home that I don't even own?

WheretheFishesareFrightening · 11/04/2026 17:35

Why is it fair that those whose parents don't have any assets, and therefore get state funded care, don't get any inheritance - but you do?

It's not necessarily true that your parents worked harder than their parents did. Why do you think you deserve something they don't?

It's okay to inherit wealth that the person didn't need in their lifetime, but you're suggesting that the tax payer funds someone who does have the wealth to meet their own needs but just doesn't want to spend it.

Zov · 11/04/2026 17:35

I think it's almost impossible to disagree with you @SonnyHoney

I don't understand why a quarter of voters (so far) disagree!

Newyearawaits · 11/04/2026 17:36

Eyesopenwideawake · 11/04/2026 17:25

So what happens to the people who need care but don't have any assets – the return of poor houses? Splendid idea 🙄

People who have no assets to sell should get the same standard of excellent care. Care should be universal, irrespective of assets or otherwise.
Much like the NHS, you get the same care irrespective of which direction of the 000s in your bank account

Gwenhwyfar · 11/04/2026 17:37

Tableforjoan · 11/04/2026 16:53

What I think is more unfair from What I’ve been told is that some care situations are covered via nhs regardless because of medical condition while others are not regardless of property or savings.

Also for 2k a week the services are very bloody lacking.

A school mum works in the kitchen at a care home and those residents get no choices all that money and it’s just basically school meals. For 2k a week I want a menu I actually like and I don’t want to be told dinner is 4pm either.

Also what counts as an illness. Dementia is considered social care, but it's an illness so why isn't it under the NHS?

MyFAFOera · 11/04/2026 17:37

RoseField1 · 11/04/2026 16:47

YABU, because there is always the option of selling and downsizing to release capital to give to offspring if needed - and how do you think the country could afford to care for all elderly people who need it if nobody had to contribute from their own (often unearned, in the case of property equity) capital? Why should the taxpayer fund people's care so that they can keep their wealth to give to their offspring who definitely haven't earned it?
My parents sold their large house and gave me a deposit several years ago. If my dad needs to sell his house to pay for care, that deposit is safe, and can't be commandeered to pay for his care. I'll do the same when I am older and no longer need extra bedrooms/home office - we will downsize to a houseboat small flat and give sums to our children when they need it.

If you downsize and release capital to offspring it can later be considered deprivation of assets, and if it's believed to be to avoid care home fees they can look back beyond 7 years.

So no this is not necessarily the answer.

Our UK society now has removed any incentive to work hard to better your family's situation. Those who don't bother just get given the same as a top up.

TeenLifeMum · 11/04/2026 17:38

nevernotmaybe · 11/04/2026 17:34

They got to the end off their lives with a secure house, it paid of plenty for that person. You can't the take the house into the ground with you.

Edited

With the hope of passing it to your children and grandchildren. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable wish. And instead the money goes on a care home where others are there fully funded (it’s not like many are 2 tier - it’s like sending your child to the same state school but the rich parents have to pay).

Theeyeballsinthesky · 11/04/2026 17:38

Onemoremakesthree · 11/04/2026 16:55

its not as simple as that. My mum died a few years ago having been in a care home for 10 years due to early onset Alzheimer’s, she first went into a home in her very early 60s, and was in her 50s when she started to have carers visit.
My dad basically lost everything including their house and now lives in a council house because of my mums fees. Had they not have rented their house, mum would have had the exact same care for free and dad would still be living in the ‘home’ they shared

is this in the uk? Here the law is that if a spouse/partner is living in the home then it is completely disregarded in the financial assessment

whoever took the value of your fathers home into account was breaking the law

Page 7 mandatory disregards

www.ageuk.org.uk/siteassets/documents/factsheets/fs38_property_and_paying_for_residential_care_fcs.pdf

Humperton · 11/04/2026 17:38

Newyearawaits · 11/04/2026 17:36

People who have no assets to sell should get the same standard of excellent care. Care should be universal, irrespective of assets or otherwise.
Much like the NHS, you get the same care irrespective of which direction of the 000s in your bank account

You earn and save money to buy things that you want or need. If you are in a care home you need care, which you should have to spend your money on.

A house is not a magical no-touchy cash storage system.

MyFAFOera · 11/04/2026 17:39

Gwenhwyfar · 11/04/2026 17:37

Also what counts as an illness. Dementia is considered social care, but it's an illness so why isn't it under the NHS?

This is another huge unfairness. If you die of cancer you'll likely be in a hospice and your care will be fully funded, your home won't have to be sold and your loved ones won't pay a penny.if you die of dementia you'll have to pay for the lot and are unlikely to qualify for any funded care unless you have no money.

Tableforjoan · 11/04/2026 17:40

Gwenhwyfar · 11/04/2026 17:37

Also what counts as an illness. Dementia is considered social care, but it's an illness so why isn't it under the NHS?

It’s the same with free prescriptions.

Asthma no die trying to breath.
Diabetes cool get everything.

ThatWaryLimePeer · 11/04/2026 17:40

Onemoremakesthree · 11/04/2026 16:55

its not as simple as that. My mum died a few years ago having been in a care home for 10 years due to early onset Alzheimer’s, she first went into a home in her very early 60s, and was in her 50s when she started to have carers visit.
My dad basically lost everything including their house and now lives in a council house because of my mums fees. Had they not have rented their house, mum would have had the exact same care for free and dad would still be living in the ‘home’ they shared

Why did your parents have to pay for the care home if your DF was living there? Did they own their home as joint tenants?

LaurieFairyCake · 11/04/2026 17:40

Not remotely unfair. We come into this world with nothing, we ought to be going out with nothing. It’s our job to look after ourselves if we can, many cannot.

the real crime is INHERITANCE. Another device to increase the gap between rich and poor.

Wealth begets wealth.

HoppityBun · 11/04/2026 17:40

I’m relying on my home, tiny though it is, to fund my care costs and I hope that I won’t need to move into care until about a year or two before I die because it won’t fund much more than that. Why would I object to this? I’m not going to need two places to live in am I?

SonnyHoney · 11/04/2026 17:40

angieloumc · 11/04/2026 17:34

So people who haven’t been able to buy a house are ‘absolute wasters’? I find it really shocking and very sad that you feel this way. I also find it
difficult to believe people at that home were vocal about not working.
And I say that as someone whose mum was going to have to sell her home to pay for her care but she unfortunately passed away before she could.
Some of the cheaper homes we looked at were very basic, so frankly she was lucky to have the ability to
pay for better care.

Edited

I don't think the poster meant that people who don't own homes are wasters, but there are many people who don't contribute to society their whole life. They do the very basic minimum in terms of contributing to society. They will then be across the hall from Brenda, who's worked hard her whole life whilst the sale from her house pays for hers and their fee .

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 11/04/2026 17:41

Humperton · 11/04/2026 17:34

People who don't own homes can work hard too. Financial wealth is not the only marker of integrity or effort. That's a lie we all tell ourselves and each other.

I appreciate that. I’m reflecting on my experience with my grandmother. Her savings went on in home carers as we tried to keep her out of a care home (because understandably she didn’t want to be in a care home). But we reached a point the money was gone and selling the house was the only option. It was heart breaking decade she didn’t want to leave her home of 50 years. She and my grandfather worked very hard. So that’s my benchmark.

nevernotmaybe · 11/04/2026 17:41

TeenLifeMum · 11/04/2026 17:38

With the hope of passing it to your children and grandchildren. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable wish. And instead the money goes on a care home where others are there fully funded (it’s not like many are 2 tier - it’s like sending your child to the same state school but the rich parents have to pay).

Back to driving generational wealth over others, that was literally my first point.

DemonsandMosquitoes · 11/04/2026 17:41

We all know the rules. If you object so strongly to paying for your own care then downsize, and spend and gift your money away many years before. If you choose to stockpile it and stay put then that’s the gamble you take. PIL lived like paupers and thought they were so clever. MIL now in care doesn’t know what day it is and is also funding Bob in the room next door.
Having been in and out of care homes all my working life I’ve seen the best care is not always that privately provided. Come 80+ if I even get there, I’m happy to take my chances and would rather my children benefit financially long before my death.
If we all want to live to 110 this is how it is.

HumerousHumous · 11/04/2026 17:41

Onemoremakesthree · 11/04/2026 16:55

its not as simple as that. My mum died a few years ago having been in a care home for 10 years due to early onset Alzheimer’s, she first went into a home in her very early 60s, and was in her 50s when she started to have carers visit.
My dad basically lost everything including their house and now lives in a council house because of my mums fees. Had they not have rented their house, mum would have had the exact same care for free and dad would still be living in the ‘home’ they shared

Sorry to hear this.

I’m confused however as to why the house had to be sold for your DM’s care? If a spouse, so in this case your DF, was still living in a property the value of the property would have been ‘disregarded’ for care home fees. Then your DM would have needed to contribute from any (individual) income/savings and then when that’s gone her care fees would have been covered by the local authority. With the latter often you are placed in a care home chosen by the LA.

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