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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it's unfair to sell your home to fund care when older while others pay nothing.

1000 replies

SonnyHoney · 11/04/2026 16:39

I provide healthcare services to older people, which means I regularly visit care homes. It’s something I find quite upsetting at times. I see individuals who have worked hard all their lives, paid off their mortgages, and are now facing care home fees of around £2,000 a week.

Meanwhile, others are living in the same care homes with their costs largely covered, aside from a contribution from their pension.

I say this as someone from a working-class background and daughter of an immigrant (El salvador) who has had to work incredibly hard to get to where I am financially. I’m also very aware that one day my own parents may have to sell their home to fund their care.
My mum, for example, has run a cleaning business for years, she’s up early every morning and has worked long, physically demanding hours. She hopes to pass something on, but realistically, I feel it will likely be used to cover care costs .

Before anyone says “Why don’t you just care for her yourself and keep the house?” And of course, if I’m in a position to do that, I will. But the reality is that with older age, there can come a point where needs become too complex, and care at home is no longer possible.

Obviously, those who don't have houses to sell need care and have to go to a care home, but my point is it just feels unfair, really.

OP posts:
MyLuckyHelper · 12/04/2026 11:19

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 10:44

But where you live is not the only place in the country is it?

There are whole swathes of the country where NMW can buy you a house, a family home.

Not withstanding that I dont consider that anyone having their care funded is a sponger. As others have said, your money may soon run out in the care home and then you're state funded anyway and viewed by others as a 'sponger'.

Of course it isn’t, but it’s where I live so a potential house hundreds of miles away is no use to me. Nor would I be able to save for the deposit while I’m renting privately as my outgoings are so high. Of course some single income families might be able to buy houses in parts of the country, but it’s definitely not the norm and will most often be the result of equity from a marital home sale or gifted deposits from family.

Slowlygettingthehangofthings · 12/04/2026 11:22

I agree with pps whove stated that the whole care home industry requires significant overhaul. Significant profits are being creamed off by unscrupulous individuals. The government won't act because politicians from all parties have most likely got their fingers in these pies.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 12/04/2026 11:24

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 11:15

That makes sense except that if I had cancer and therefore had the same needs that you write about, I would get that for free in a hospice?

This is why I dont understand it

If you're in hospital, you get all that stuff for free - it's once you go home that you have to pay

similarly once you are admitted to the hospice you get it all for free

hospice at home services which include social care as part of the package are generally free because hospices are charities and can fundraise to help cover costs

BigAnne · 12/04/2026 11:24

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 11:15

That makes sense except that if I had cancer and therefore had the same needs that you write about, I would get that for free in a hospice?

This is why I dont understand it

If you're in a care home you don't pay for end of life care which is what you receive in a hospice or hospital.

5MinuteArgument · 12/04/2026 11:24

SomethingFun · 12/04/2026 10:47

What I can say is someone is getting rich off of this and it’s not anyone who needs care is it? If you’ve not got a pot to piss in you can get something for free, regardless of how you entered into that situation. And I think we all agree we don’t want elderly people dying in the streets because they don’t own a home. If you’ve managed to get a pot to piss in that will immediately be taken away from you and given to someone else to make profit from. As soon as that money runs out you are on your own and might end up in a worse situation than if you had nothing to start with as you can be moved from where you have settled if your council refuse to pay.

I don’t think anyone wants to go into a care home and I do believe if it’s just an expensive death waiting room that doesn’t provide a quality of life people should have the choice to end their life in a calm manner at home.

Yes, I really believe we should bring in assisted dying for those that want it. I think a lot of people would opt for it, out of choice, not through being pressured.

The only people benefitting from the current setup are the owners of the carehomes, who pay their staff a pittance and pocket the profits.

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 11:24

MyLuckyHelper · 12/04/2026 11:19

Of course it isn’t, but it’s where I live so a potential house hundreds of miles away is no use to me. Nor would I be able to save for the deposit while I’m renting privately as my outgoings are so high. Of course some single income families might be able to buy houses in parts of the country, but it’s definitely not the norm and will most often be the result of equity from a marital home sale or gifted deposits from family.

I think this is an error in thinking

You say 'its not the norm' because of where you live. But it is not the norm, the parts of the country where housing is affordable is bigger (albeit perhaps with fewer people) than the rest of the country where housing is not affordable

People choose to live where they live

Most wont be from gifts or deposits at all, there is a significant percentage for FTB but not 'most', I think its about a quarter or a third. And much of those I suspect is choice based because they're choosing an area which quite literally they cannot afford.

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 11:29

Fiftyandme · 12/04/2026 10:35

They’re also taking a risk because local authorities have the right to forensically go through accounts and declare deliberate deprivation of assets - and they do.

Not just that but no one seems to recognise the level of 'gifts' before the recipient pays tax is very low, I made this point earlier in the thread and no one has responded to this

You can only gift 3k a year tax free to the recipient, more than that and they pay tax on it

So all this talk of house deposits etc which would run into tens of thousands would invoke tax duties surely. I see that as a massive waste.

Wilnis7 · 12/04/2026 11:37

PartQualifiedAcca · 12/04/2026 09:54

You’re not sure what point I’m making and yet you’ve commented on the point. Hmmm
Nobody is demonising the low paid.
But the point is, if anybody is over the age of 50 and they’re trying to claim that they haven’t had the opportunity to acquire assets they’re talking out of their hat
Never been easy, but it’s possible

isn't the objective to make things better for people rather than make things as hard as it used to be.

there are more people competing for less, plus the previous generation have left an unpaybackable debt draining tax revenues, they've saddkled the next genberation with an immediate 9% extra tax until they are 60 but you're alright jack so effectively everyone else can sod off right?

I would argue that the deposit system entrenches existing wealth and privilege and it did nothing to stop 2008 crash and so doesn't offer any protections - it is not fit for purpose and should eb scrapped, there must be another, better way.

MyLuckyHelper · 12/04/2026 11:38

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 11:24

I think this is an error in thinking

You say 'its not the norm' because of where you live. But it is not the norm, the parts of the country where housing is affordable is bigger (albeit perhaps with fewer people) than the rest of the country where housing is not affordable

People choose to live where they live

Most wont be from gifts or deposits at all, there is a significant percentage for FTB but not 'most', I think its about a quarter or a third. And much of those I suspect is choice based because they're choosing an area which quite literally they cannot afford.

People don’t always choose though. Money gives you options. A lack of money limits them.

To move up north where it might be cheaper, firstly I’d likely end up with a court battle
with my ex over child arrangements but saying I won that...

I have no savings, no working car at present & very high living costs. In order to move I’d need at the very least - a deposit to rent somewhere, a job up there, childcare in place as I couldn’t have my mum help anymore as she does now, the money to physically move (car, removal van etc). I have nothing left at the end of most months - so this is all a bit of a pipe dream. Of course I also have children who have relocated twice already when we’ve been made homeless so they’d be moving schools for a third time, one is mid GCSEs, one about to start and one in primary school.

Of course it could be done would be a very slow process though and even then - once I get to a cheaper area, I’d have to save for a deposit and find a bank to agree to loan me enough money to buy a house to accommodate my family - which may well be cheaper than where I currently live but certainly still isn’t going to be within the realms of what they’re likely to lend me, so would have to be shared ownership rather than full ownership. Meaning when I get to care age, there’s still not much equity to release to fund me 😂

I think when you don’t live month to month it might be a bit alien to you that people really don’t have the choices you think they do.

Cheese55 · 12/04/2026 11:39

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 11:15

That makes sense except that if I had cancer and therefore had the same needs that you write about, I would get that for free in a hospice?

This is why I dont understand it

People don't live in hospices so no you wouldn't.

Comebypig · 12/04/2026 11:49

Won’t you have the option to choose a better care home in that instance though?

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 11:50

MyLuckyHelper · 12/04/2026 11:38

People don’t always choose though. Money gives you options. A lack of money limits them.

To move up north where it might be cheaper, firstly I’d likely end up with a court battle
with my ex over child arrangements but saying I won that...

I have no savings, no working car at present & very high living costs. In order to move I’d need at the very least - a deposit to rent somewhere, a job up there, childcare in place as I couldn’t have my mum help anymore as she does now, the money to physically move (car, removal van etc). I have nothing left at the end of most months - so this is all a bit of a pipe dream. Of course I also have children who have relocated twice already when we’ve been made homeless so they’d be moving schools for a third time, one is mid GCSEs, one about to start and one in primary school.

Of course it could be done would be a very slow process though and even then - once I get to a cheaper area, I’d have to save for a deposit and find a bank to agree to loan me enough money to buy a house to accommodate my family - which may well be cheaper than where I currently live but certainly still isn’t going to be within the realms of what they’re likely to lend me, so would have to be shared ownership rather than full ownership. Meaning when I get to care age, there’s still not much equity to release to fund me 😂

I think when you don’t live month to month it might be a bit alien to you that people really don’t have the choices you think they do.

Well you're working backwards for a start, Im talking about when you start out

And like the other poster mentioned, I started in a grubby room share when I was 17, Ive lived hand to mouth, day to day. I was at college and working more or less full time and fitting college around it and pay day meant I could actually eat. I usually ran out of money the day before this and ran out of food as well

Until I was around 30ish this was how it was even after I got a mortgage because I was working about 3 jobs a time and saving as much as I could.

Not everyone is going to be able to do it no, but you make a choice when you first leave home.

Im challenging this blanket 'no one can afford to live/buy/rent' notion that is erroneously put forward on every thread like this. Its not true, its not accurate. And for where it is true and accurate it certainly shouldnt be used as an argument to make financial policy about who funds elderly care, as said several times in the thread, leaving a house deposit inheritance should not be the bench mark for whether someone should pay for their care or not, this is ludicrous.

SwirlyGates · 12/04/2026 11:50

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 11:29

Not just that but no one seems to recognise the level of 'gifts' before the recipient pays tax is very low, I made this point earlier in the thread and no one has responded to this

You can only gift 3k a year tax free to the recipient, more than that and they pay tax on it

So all this talk of house deposits etc which would run into tens of thousands would invoke tax duties surely. I see that as a massive waste.

This is not quite true. There is a limit of 3k a year, with a few exceptions like weddings, but if you give regular gifts out of income those are exempt.

https://www.gov.uk/inheritance-tax/gifts (see "If you make regular payments").

How Inheritance Tax works: thresholds, rules and allowances

Inheritance Tax (IHT) is paid when a person's estate is worth more than £325,000 when they die - exemptions, passing on property. Sometimes known as death duties.

https://www.gov.uk/inheritance-tax/gifts

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 11:54

SwirlyGates · 12/04/2026 11:50

This is not quite true. There is a limit of 3k a year, with a few exceptions like weddings, but if you give regular gifts out of income those are exempt.

https://www.gov.uk/inheritance-tax/gifts (see "If you make regular payments").

Thats IHT though, Im talking about general tax on unearned income

So say a family member gave me 10k now surely I pay tax on the unearned income? Or dont I?

MyLuckyHelper · 12/04/2026 11:55

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 11:50

Well you're working backwards for a start, Im talking about when you start out

And like the other poster mentioned, I started in a grubby room share when I was 17, Ive lived hand to mouth, day to day. I was at college and working more or less full time and fitting college around it and pay day meant I could actually eat. I usually ran out of money the day before this and ran out of food as well

Until I was around 30ish this was how it was even after I got a mortgage because I was working about 3 jobs a time and saving as much as I could.

Not everyone is going to be able to do it no, but you make a choice when you first leave home.

Im challenging this blanket 'no one can afford to live/buy/rent' notion that is erroneously put forward on every thread like this. Its not true, its not accurate. And for where it is true and accurate it certainly shouldnt be used as an argument to make financial policy about who funds elderly care, as said several times in the thread, leaving a house deposit inheritance should not be the bench mark for whether someone should pay for their care or not, this is ludicrous.

Well done, I’m super glad your life panned out in the traditional sense and you had the time health and ability to work your way up the housing ladder.

Of course some people will follow suit (I’ve definitely already said that more than once), but the reality is not everyone will. And not everyone can just up sticks and move to the cheaper parts of the country…which would then rapidly become not the cheaper parts of everyone wanted to live there.

The thing I’m challenging is the OPs idea that people that have assets are the ones that have worked hard. I’d love a house of my own, but i’m also perfectly happy to rent as long as it’s stable, what I object to is the assumption that because I don’t have material assets I’m not working hard.

Needspaceforlego · 12/04/2026 11:56

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 10:34

I believe that people should pay for their care where they can, my parents will, I will etc

But I agree with this issue about dementia, its a medical condition as far as I know (not a doctor) so Im confused about why its not seen as a health condition needing nursing care. I know some do get CHC funding for it, but not all and I dont know the ins and outs of that

Health care is funded/hospital care by way of taxes because thats what taxes cover, thats fine. Health is free at the point of delivery.

Social care is not funded and Im ok with that, but Im not ok with the differential between some health needs being called social care needs.

Dementia is a medical issue and a terminal illness, there is only one way decline.

There comes a point where its dangerous for the person to be home alone - just like a toddler. They need 24hr supervision.

Its not a luxury, its not a pleasure, they forget where the toilet is, or they need to remove clothes to do the toilet. Leave gas on, leave taps on.

Its wrong Dementia care isn't seen as a NHS issue.

SwirlyGates · 12/04/2026 11:57

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 11:54

Thats IHT though, Im talking about general tax on unearned income

So say a family member gave me 10k now surely I pay tax on the unearned income? Or dont I?

No you don't pay anything right now. You would only pay tax on this if it later came under IHT rules.

(I am not a lawyer nor a tax expert! But I have just given my child money towards a house deposit, no tax payable on that.)

PartQualifiedAcca · 12/04/2026 11:58

Wilnis7 · 12/04/2026 11:37

isn't the objective to make things better for people rather than make things as hard as it used to be.

there are more people competing for less, plus the previous generation have left an unpaybackable debt draining tax revenues, they've saddkled the next genberation with an immediate 9% extra tax until they are 60 but you're alright jack so effectively everyone else can sod off right?

I would argue that the deposit system entrenches existing wealth and privilege and it did nothing to stop 2008 crash and so doesn't offer any protections - it is not fit for purpose and should eb scrapped, there must be another, better way.

Agreed, 100% deposits should be reintroduced.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/04/2026 12:02

RoseField1 · 11/04/2026 16:51

There are cheaper and more expensive homes. If you're council funded you'll get the cheapest option and no choice. If you're self funded you can choose the cheaper or more expensive ones as per your budget.

From far too much experience of choosing care homes, I have to say that the most expensive is not necessarily the best, not at all. Smart decor etc. are IMO often there to impress relatives who are choosing. Cosy and homely, even if a mite shabby round the edges - with cheerful, friendly staff, are IMO much more important.

An aunt of dh put herself in a very apparently plush and expensive seafront care home for a month while her helper was away. She hated it, and couldn’t wait to get home. The staff were surly and miserable, and the atmosphere was not at all welcoming, as I found after visiting her there twice.

Stirabout · 12/04/2026 12:02

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 11:29

Not just that but no one seems to recognise the level of 'gifts' before the recipient pays tax is very low, I made this point earlier in the thread and no one has responded to this

You can only gift 3k a year tax free to the recipient, more than that and they pay tax on it

So all this talk of house deposits etc which would run into tens of thousands would invoke tax duties surely. I see that as a massive waste.

A house deposit gifted to children isn’t taxed
It only becomes an issue if the parent dies within 7years for IHT purposes.
In terms of care home costs it is only considered deprivation of assets if at the time there was a reasonable expectation that the parent would need care

MissMoneyFairy · 12/04/2026 12:03

BigAnne · 12/04/2026 11:24

If you're in a care home you don't pay for end of life care which is what you receive in a hospice or hospital.

Only if you're awarded chc or fast track which is notoriously hard to get

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 12:05

Needspaceforlego · 12/04/2026 11:56

Dementia is a medical issue and a terminal illness, there is only one way decline.

There comes a point where its dangerous for the person to be home alone - just like a toddler. They need 24hr supervision.

Its not a luxury, its not a pleasure, they forget where the toilet is, or they need to remove clothes to do the toilet. Leave gas on, leave taps on.

Its wrong Dementia care isn't seen as a NHS issue.

Well exactly except that someone else made the point that the needs coming from the illness are social care needs, ie they dont need nursing care they need someone looking after them, care care.

So I sort of get that but still dont understand why that is different for other illnesses and locations, like hospice care. I have known of people be in hospices for over a year at times.

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 12:08

MyLuckyHelper · 12/04/2026 11:55

Well done, I’m super glad your life panned out in the traditional sense and you had the time health and ability to work your way up the housing ladder.

Of course some people will follow suit (I’ve definitely already said that more than once), but the reality is not everyone will. And not everyone can just up sticks and move to the cheaper parts of the country…which would then rapidly become not the cheaper parts of everyone wanted to live there.

The thing I’m challenging is the OPs idea that people that have assets are the ones that have worked hard. I’d love a house of my own, but i’m also perfectly happy to rent as long as it’s stable, what I object to is the assumption that because I don’t have material assets I’m not working hard.

Well I have never said non home owners or non asset holders have not worked hard. I have made the point several times in the thread.

My life certainly didnt 'pan out' in a traditional sense at all, I left an abusive home at 17 and had literally nothing. Ive had several MH breakdowns over the years and my house is worth a pittance compared to the rest of the south east. But enough for me to have some choices in old age. I hope.

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 12:09

SwirlyGates · 12/04/2026 11:57

No you don't pay anything right now. You would only pay tax on this if it later came under IHT rules.

(I am not a lawyer nor a tax expert! But I have just given my child money towards a house deposit, no tax payable on that.)

That is very interesting. So if I was inclined I could badger my parents for money now without paying any tax (I wont)?

PartQualifiedAcca · 12/04/2026 12:15

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 12:08

Well I have never said non home owners or non asset holders have not worked hard. I have made the point several times in the thread.

My life certainly didnt 'pan out' in a traditional sense at all, I left an abusive home at 17 and had literally nothing. Ive had several MH breakdowns over the years and my house is worth a pittance compared to the rest of the south east. But enough for me to have some choices in old age. I hope.

I’ve never met anybody whose life has been plain sailing from start to finish although I’m sure they exist
Everybody just works with the hand that they’ve been dealt and as I said to the other poster if she didn’t manage to better her position before children simple mathematics would dictate that she’ll be able to do it after
Shrugging your shoulders and saying that’s my lot in life is quite defeated
Although I’m sure we all feel that way at times

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