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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it's unfair to sell your home to fund care when older while others pay nothing.

1000 replies

SonnyHoney · 11/04/2026 16:39

I provide healthcare services to older people, which means I regularly visit care homes. It’s something I find quite upsetting at times. I see individuals who have worked hard all their lives, paid off their mortgages, and are now facing care home fees of around £2,000 a week.

Meanwhile, others are living in the same care homes with their costs largely covered, aside from a contribution from their pension.

I say this as someone from a working-class background and daughter of an immigrant (El salvador) who has had to work incredibly hard to get to where I am financially. I’m also very aware that one day my own parents may have to sell their home to fund their care.
My mum, for example, has run a cleaning business for years, she’s up early every morning and has worked long, physically demanding hours. She hopes to pass something on, but realistically, I feel it will likely be used to cover care costs .

Before anyone says “Why don’t you just care for her yourself and keep the house?” And of course, if I’m in a position to do that, I will. But the reality is that with older age, there can come a point where needs become too complex, and care at home is no longer possible.

Obviously, those who don't have houses to sell need care and have to go to a care home, but my point is it just feels unfair, really.

OP posts:
likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 12:17

PartQualifiedAcca · 12/04/2026 12:15

I’ve never met anybody whose life has been plain sailing from start to finish although I’m sure they exist
Everybody just works with the hand that they’ve been dealt and as I said to the other poster if she didn’t manage to better her position before children simple mathematics would dictate that she’ll be able to do it after
Shrugging your shoulders and saying that’s my lot in life is quite defeated
Although I’m sure we all feel that way at times

Totally agree and its quite offensive this 'you're alright jack' attitude to people when you have no idea what they've been through in life and you perceive people as having sailed through life (not you, general you).

MyLuckyHelper · 12/04/2026 12:21

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 12:17

Totally agree and its quite offensive this 'you're alright jack' attitude to people when you have no idea what they've been through in life and you perceive people as having sailed through life (not you, general you).

Everyone has struggles but going to uni, living in a house share, working and saving to buy a house is the literal traditional idea of how life should go. Which is exactly why you told me mine was backwards.

MyLuckyHelper · 12/04/2026 12:23

PartQualifiedAcca · 12/04/2026 12:15

I’ve never met anybody whose life has been plain sailing from start to finish although I’m sure they exist
Everybody just works with the hand that they’ve been dealt and as I said to the other poster if she didn’t manage to better her position before children simple mathematics would dictate that she’ll be able to do it after
Shrugging your shoulders and saying that’s my lot in life is quite defeated
Although I’m sure we all feel that way at times

My position before children/albatrosses was fine. Two adults working full time, bringing in average salaries and living well. We lived in private rentals as we had no money for a deposit & really never though much of it then, renting privately was more than affordable then and a non issue.

PartQualifiedAcca · 12/04/2026 12:26

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Choux · 12/04/2026 12:33

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 12:05

Well exactly except that someone else made the point that the needs coming from the illness are social care needs, ie they dont need nursing care they need someone looking after them, care care.

So I sort of get that but still dont understand why that is different for other illnesses and locations, like hospice care. I have known of people be in hospices for over a year at times.

My mum was in a residential care home getting ‘care, care’ for her dementia. Then her dementia got antisocial - anxiety, shouting, crying - and they said she needed to move to a nursing home. I found her one and moved her - she had a CHC assessment that decided she doesn’t have a ‘primary illness’ so she had to keep paying her own nursing home fees. The new home is £600 a week MORE than she would be paying at her old residential care home. It’s almost £1,700 a week.

CHC is very difficult to get and, as social services are involved in the assessment, I believe they put forward people who are currently being paid for by the local council so they can save their budget. CHC funding comes from the NHS not the local council.

Self funders are seen like a cash cow by councils and care homes - councils pay a lower rate than a self funders for the exact same care as care homes charge self funders a higher fee. And then the council works to ensure the residents they fund get priority for CHC so self funders have to keep paying. This is what really riles me about my mum’s care costs.

Trixibell1234 · 12/04/2026 12:39

Nicewoman · 11/04/2026 22:09

Asian mafia run care homes. Glossy brochures showing Butlins entertainment every night & landscaped gardens. Looks like a spa retreat.

Then the reality is OAP is stuck 24/7 in a room the size of a small cupboard.

They die of dehydration, never get taken to the toilet, fed the worst quality cheap crap food. They are put in bed 24 hours a day with the TV switched on. Never seen by anyone. They can’t move & need assistance to get up to go to the loo or eat.

Relatives then order autopsies to find out why their relative died and turns out the relative wasn’t fed for 3 days, never got taken to the toilet, soiled sheets. All whilst paying £2k a week for residential care.

It turns out 100 OAP residents calling a bell for assistance for them to be taken to the loo or have a meal from a minimum wage Polish girl who doesn’t speak English & fell asleep on her shift as she works 2 overtime shifts and it’s just her in charge of 100 residents.

the “on-call doctor” which is sold as a benefit in care home brochures is in fact any random doctor at the local hospital and they only get called up to take away dead bodies from the residential care home. The local hospital will say they never get called out for routine matters at the care home.

There have been many many documentaries and exposes on care homes in the Uk. They are all rotten.

Meanwhile this country has 3 million vacancies for care home staff.

What’s the ‘Asian mafia’?

MyLuckyHelper · 12/04/2026 12:43

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I mean that literally shows your privilege/ignorance. Irresponsible to have two children in rented accommodation 😂😂😂

Home ownership is not for everyone, without deposit to get started it’s unacheivable. Not a single person in my social circle is in a home they own, that they weren’t gifted at least part of the deposit for.

Owning a home isn’t the norm in many European countries anyway. And social renting is far more stable than even home ownership, so I can’t fathom your blanket statement 🤷🏻‍♀️

My issue has come from becoming a single parent. If I owed my home, that wouldn’t have saved me financially. I wouldn’t have been able to buy my ex out, wouldn’t have been able to get help towards the mortgage and would’ve ended up renting privately anyway.

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 12:55

MyLuckyHelper · 12/04/2026 12:21

Everyone has struggles but going to uni, living in a house share, working and saving to buy a house is the literal traditional idea of how life should go. Which is exactly why you told me mine was backwards.

I didnt tell you yours was backwards, talk about twisting!!

I said, now, right now, you ar working backwards in your description of what would need to change for you, of course it wouldnt make sense for you right now to up sticks and move. This is a theoretical discussion where you gave a blanket statement earlier saying that there arent houses people can afford without massive deposits or huge multiples and gave a rent of 1400pcm, which doesnt apply for swathes of the country.

So you cant go back in time, thats working backwards

But someone starting out now can work forwards.

I too made the same mistake, in reality we should have bought property in the midlands, better for commuting, jobs and financially. But we made a mistake.

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 12:58

Home owning is much lower here than in much of the EU particularly eastern Europe, never quite sure why that myth gets trotted out again and again and again

And it has been for years as well.

But rented properties are much more advantageous in many (not all) european countries with more flexibility, better prices and better rights for tenants, that is true.

MyLuckyHelper · 12/04/2026 13:00

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 11:50

Well you're working backwards for a start, Im talking about when you start out

And like the other poster mentioned, I started in a grubby room share when I was 17, Ive lived hand to mouth, day to day. I was at college and working more or less full time and fitting college around it and pay day meant I could actually eat. I usually ran out of money the day before this and ran out of food as well

Until I was around 30ish this was how it was even after I got a mortgage because I was working about 3 jobs a time and saving as much as I could.

Not everyone is going to be able to do it no, but you make a choice when you first leave home.

Im challenging this blanket 'no one can afford to live/buy/rent' notion that is erroneously put forward on every thread like this. Its not true, its not accurate. And for where it is true and accurate it certainly shouldnt be used as an argument to make financial policy about who funds elderly care, as said several times in the thread, leaving a house deposit inheritance should not be the bench mark for whether someone should pay for their care or not, this is ludicrous.

@likelysuspect you absolutely did say that 😬

bringincrazyback · 12/04/2026 13:00

ElleneAsanto · 11/04/2026 17:26

Easy answer - look after your parents yourself. As was the normal way of life a few generations ago (and still is, in many societies). You inherited their assets in return.

Easy answer?! Oh, my God.
Do you have experience of looking after an elderly family member yourself?

PartQualifiedAcca · 12/04/2026 13:01

MyLuckyHelper · 12/04/2026 12:43

I mean that literally shows your privilege/ignorance. Irresponsible to have two children in rented accommodation 😂😂😂

Home ownership is not for everyone, without deposit to get started it’s unacheivable. Not a single person in my social circle is in a home they own, that they weren’t gifted at least part of the deposit for.

Owning a home isn’t the norm in many European countries anyway. And social renting is far more stable than even home ownership, so I can’t fathom your blanket statement 🤷🏻‍♀️

My issue has come from becoming a single parent. If I owed my home, that wouldn’t have saved me financially. I wouldn’t have been able to buy my ex out, wouldn’t have been able to get help towards the mortgage and would’ve ended up renting privately anyway.

Edited

Okay, so firstly you’re wrong. You would be able to get help with your Mortgage.
Secondly, if you couldn’t buy your ex out, you could’ve at least had some equity as a result of selling the property to use as a deposit because that’s exactly what I had to do
And thirdly, I’m sorry. No it is irresponsible to have that many children in insecure housing.
It’s an absolute privilege to have four children
Not a necessity.

There are people earning hundreds of thousands of pounds that wouldn’t have a third child because of the financial impact it would have on their family
You’ve made your choices. You’ve made your bed.

Stirabout · 12/04/2026 13:05

Trixibell1234 · 12/04/2026 12:39

What’s the ‘Asian mafia’?

Edited

Was that on the news @Nicewoman

InconsequentialFerret · 12/04/2026 13:05

bringincrazyback · 12/04/2026 13:00

Easy answer?! Oh, my God.
Do you have experience of looking after an elderly family member yourself?

I did this. I was a wreck by the time my dear mum died.

In large part due to having to deal with adult social care and the NHS, and their respective incompetencies and attitudes.

NorthXNorthWest · 12/04/2026 13:10

TeaAndTattoos · 11/04/2026 20:27

It’s not actually I worked in a nursing home and the people who paid got the choice of the better rooms and the people who didn’t pay got the basement rooms.

Of course you did.

bringincrazyback · 12/04/2026 13:10

InconsequentialFerret · 12/04/2026 13:05

I did this. I was a wreck by the time my dear mum died.

In large part due to having to deal with adult social care and the NHS, and their respective incompetencies and attitudes.

Absolutely. I'm caring for my DM at the moment who has dementia, she lives with me and DH, we do have carers for some tasks as I can't do everything due to work/health issues of my own, but even not doing everything it's cripplingly hard. Sorry to hear you went through the same.

ObelixtheGaul · 12/04/2026 13:12

InconsequentialFerret · 12/04/2026 13:05

I did this. I was a wreck by the time my dear mum died.

In large part due to having to deal with adult social care and the NHS, and their respective incompetencies and attitudes.

There needs to be a lot more support for those who care for elderly relatives. What a lot of people who go on about what they do in these magical other countries don't get is that often everyone lives close, there are multiple siblings, etc. Doing this on your own with no respite is incredibly hard. And many of us will be doing this, because our siblings don't live close, or perhaps we don't have any, or they refuse to help.

TeaAndTattoos · 12/04/2026 13:14

NorthXNorthWest · 12/04/2026 13:10

Of course you did.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I wish they would bring back the laugh react you have looked around care homes and I work in one I think I know how it works better than you do.

MyLuckyHelper · 12/04/2026 13:14

PartQualifiedAcca · 12/04/2026 13:01

Okay, so firstly you’re wrong. You would be able to get help with your Mortgage.
Secondly, if you couldn’t buy your ex out, you could’ve at least had some equity as a result of selling the property to use as a deposit because that’s exactly what I had to do
And thirdly, I’m sorry. No it is irresponsible to have that many children in insecure housing.
It’s an absolute privilege to have four children
Not a necessity.

There are people earning hundreds of thousands of pounds that wouldn’t have a third child because of the financial impact it would have on their family
You’ve made your choices. You’ve made your bed.

I’d be able to take a loan out via UC for the interest on my mortgage, not help to pay the balance.

so if I sold the house and had some equity, what am I doing with it? I’ve had two friends in that exact situation who are now running through their equity in private rentals.

Im not sure if your comprehension is off but as I already said when I had four children, I could absolutely afford them. That’s why I had them. We both work and had no state intervention (apart from CB) whatsoever. Renting was cheap and stable 20 years ago - it was a non issue.

Despite your confidence otherwise, my husband leaving, at the same time as rents spiked, was absolutely the catalyst for my current financial situation. Which I’m confused about why is in question as well. I’m fine not owning a home (again, as I’ve said), what
I’m not fine with is the assumption that I don’t work hard as I have no assets.

NorthXNorthWest · 12/04/2026 13:22

TeaAndTattoos · 12/04/2026 13:14

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I wish they would bring back the laugh react you have looked around care homes and I work in one I think I know how it works better than you do.

Edited

Some of us have friends and family working in care homes up and down the country. So no, I don't think you do.

Allisnotlost1 · 12/04/2026 13:23

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Good God, can you hear yourself? Your ‘comprehension’ of someone else’s choices is neither necessary or relevant. Plenty of people live happily in rented accommodation all their lives, often in the same home. Crappy regulation and profiteering has allowed the BTL market and its disproportionate number of shonky landlords to flourish, but they’re not all like that. You’ve obviously had quite a sheltered life and not met many people outside of your own bubble, which is fine if you’re happy but doesn’t make a great frame of reference.

PartQualifiedAcca · 12/04/2026 13:28

Allisnotlost1 · 12/04/2026 13:23

Good God, can you hear yourself? Your ‘comprehension’ of someone else’s choices is neither necessary or relevant. Plenty of people live happily in rented accommodation all their lives, often in the same home. Crappy regulation and profiteering has allowed the BTL market and its disproportionate number of shonky landlords to flourish, but they’re not all like that. You’ve obviously had quite a sheltered life and not met many people outside of your own bubble, which is fine if you’re happy but doesn’t make a great frame of reference.

You know nothing about my life or my life experiences
I’m not even sure how we even got into this but I think it was something along the lines of people without assets are just as hard-working as those without
And whilst that may be true, it does still come down to decision-making
I put £50 a month in my sons junior I so when he was born
£12.50 a week, and gave him nearly 30 grand on his 18th birthday
You don’t have to do a lot to acquire something in the way of assets
In fact, someone might say you have to work quite hard not to

TeaAndTattoos · 12/04/2026 13:33

NorthXNorthWest · 12/04/2026 13:22

Some of us have friends and family working in care homes up and down the country. So no, I don't think you do.

Of course you do hun.

Needspaceforlego · 12/04/2026 13:35

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 12:05

Well exactly except that someone else made the point that the needs coming from the illness are social care needs, ie they dont need nursing care they need someone looking after them, care care.

So I sort of get that but still dont understand why that is different for other illnesses and locations, like hospice care. I have known of people be in hospices for over a year at times.

And nobody pays for hospice care, dementia care is essentially end of life care.

The rules have probably meant some families are trying to muddle by leaving the patient with inadequate care. Its not always easy for families to admit the parent / wife / husband is on need of care either.

Dementia patients don't always sleep great. And can be violent towards others. It is after all a mental illness.
But towards the end when they have forgotten how to eat, ie put food in mouth and chew that is definitely nursing care rather than social care.

I absolutely think all care at that level should be paid by the state. Money doesn't come i to maternity care and it shouldn't play a part in any end of life care.

MyLuckyHelper · 12/04/2026 13:37

PartQualifiedAcca · 12/04/2026 13:28

You know nothing about my life or my life experiences
I’m not even sure how we even got into this but I think it was something along the lines of people without assets are just as hard-working as those without
And whilst that may be true, it does still come down to decision-making
I put £50 a month in my sons junior I so when he was born
£12.50 a week, and gave him nearly 30 grand on his 18th birthday
You don’t have to do a lot to acquire something in the way of assets
In fact, someone might say you have to work quite hard not to

Yes spot on, that’s how we got into it. And you’ve yet again failed to grasp that someone “working very hard” could still not have £50 at the end of the month to put in an ISA (don’t panic my four albatrosses have savings accounts despite being irresponsibly created as part of my marriage) It’s only a choice if you’ve got the money to play with. But that’s totally off topic.

The point was hard work doesn’t lead to assets for everyone and assets aren’t the result of hard work for everyone, so to sweepingly link the two is not useful or fair.

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