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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it's unfair to sell your home to fund care when older while others pay nothing.

1000 replies

SonnyHoney · 11/04/2026 16:39

I provide healthcare services to older people, which means I regularly visit care homes. It’s something I find quite upsetting at times. I see individuals who have worked hard all their lives, paid off their mortgages, and are now facing care home fees of around £2,000 a week.

Meanwhile, others are living in the same care homes with their costs largely covered, aside from a contribution from their pension.

I say this as someone from a working-class background and daughter of an immigrant (El salvador) who has had to work incredibly hard to get to where I am financially. I’m also very aware that one day my own parents may have to sell their home to fund their care.
My mum, for example, has run a cleaning business for years, she’s up early every morning and has worked long, physically demanding hours. She hopes to pass something on, but realistically, I feel it will likely be used to cover care costs .

Before anyone says “Why don’t you just care for her yourself and keep the house?” And of course, if I’m in a position to do that, I will. But the reality is that with older age, there can come a point where needs become too complex, and care at home is no longer possible.

Obviously, those who don't have houses to sell need care and have to go to a care home, but my point is it just feels unfair, really.

OP posts:
Needspaceforlego · 12/04/2026 10:22

CIaudetheCat · 12/04/2026 09:40

I bought my first flat in 94 for 46k on an average salary of 16K,so just shy of three times my salary. That flat last sold three years ago for £490k. The average salary now is about £38k.

@PartQualifiedAcca can you not see how difficult it is now for people to buy their own home? The housing market is a totally different beast to the 90s.

Edited

Thats mental.
The worse thing banks did was remove the max 3x salary or 2.5x couples salary.

SwirlyGates · 12/04/2026 10:22

Humperton · 12/04/2026 09:40

Who didn't do a thing to earn the money?

I'm not saying the grandchildren should get an inheritance, just that if they do it could be more helpful for them in their 20s or 30s than for the children who may be 60 or 70 themselves. With a very small number of exceptions, no beneficiaries of inheritances earned their money.

AnneShirleyBlythe · 12/04/2026 10:25

TeenLifeMum · 11/04/2026 17:43

But then what’s the motivation to work and climb the ladder. Without motivation we’d all just live on benefits 🤷🏻‍♀️

To have a good standard of living, holidays, some luxuries, hobbies etc? We’re not all just working to pass on inheritance!!

PartQualifiedAcca · 12/04/2026 10:25

MyLuckyHelper · 12/04/2026 09:46

Where did you live while you were saving the deposit? Presumably not somewhere you were shelling out more than a cost of a mortgage.

people working full time shouldn’t need two full time jobs to afford to exist.

my children aren’t albatrosses you vile human. Would you suggest post birth abortions for them when my husband had his affair?

Edited

Did you own a house before you brought four children into the world ?

I lived in rented accommodation whilst we saved for the deposit as did everybody during the 90s we shared a room in a house that had three bedrooms and the living room converted into an additional bedroom and one bathroom
What fun that was.

PartQualifiedAcca · 12/04/2026 10:28

Needspaceforlego · 12/04/2026 10:22

Thats mental.
The worse thing banks did was remove the max 3x salary or 2.5x couples salary.

They haven’t removed that for most people.

My daughter is in a profession that way she can expect her salary to accelerate and therefore they will lend her five times her salary
The other one is in a couple and they are lending 2.5 times the joint salary because they’re both mid range now, and I would imagine the Bank is anticipating that they’ll go down to one income when they have kids

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 10:30

Happyjoe · 12/04/2026 01:37

But be careful what you wish for because the flavour of some of this discussion in gthe thread is that those who cant pay for themselves really need to book in at Dignitas and save us all the cost of care.

Really? Massive leap by some then. Or, on the flip side, can be applied to the people who desperately want to leave their kids the house and go to dignitas themselves.

Perhaps it's all of us. Nobody can afford this care, either those who don't have it or those who don't want to lose everything.

Theres another thread running, or there was, not sure when it was now about a woman in Spain who had assisted dying, during that thread people were posting about Canada and I was so shocked by some of the stats and information coming out of that about basically bumping off people who have become a 'burden' to their families

This thread has raised similar beliefs. Its disgusting.

Fiftyandme · 12/04/2026 10:31

Social care is not free at the point of access. And that same rule applies to everyone.

There are plenty of people out there who have worked hard and will never own a home.

im not sure why you seem to think that having little to no assets in later years is evidence of a life of laziness.

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 10:34

Happyjoe · 12/04/2026 01:48

Yep, well said. So millions have dementia. Now 1 in 2 of us get cancer.

Why is one classed as a social problem, the other an illness? Both cost an awful lot of money to fix.

I believe that people should pay for their care where they can, my parents will, I will etc

But I agree with this issue about dementia, its a medical condition as far as I know (not a doctor) so Im confused about why its not seen as a health condition needing nursing care. I know some do get CHC funding for it, but not all and I dont know the ins and outs of that

Health care is funded/hospital care by way of taxes because thats what taxes cover, thats fine. Health is free at the point of delivery.

Social care is not funded and Im ok with that, but Im not ok with the differential between some health needs being called social care needs.

Fiftyandme · 12/04/2026 10:35

EarthlyNightshade · 12/04/2026 10:14

I don't mind people having to pay for their care.
But they should just be paying for their care and not making huge profits for care home owners.

Those who plan to spend all their money so they get free care are taking a risk as their care needs might be minor and having the money might be what keeps them in their own home longer.

It's an almighty mess for sure, and one that no government will tackle so only going to get worse.

They’re also taking a risk because local authorities have the right to forensically go through accounts and declare deliberate deprivation of assets - and they do.

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 10:44

MyLuckyHelper · 12/04/2026 07:40

It is if you’re a single person on NMW. Even if someone gifted you the deposit, that salary wouldn’t multiply enough for lenders to give you enough for a house where I live.

Regardless that doesn’t negate the argument that thse spongers and freeloaders people keep wanging on about are largely made up of disabled people and their carers, for whom getting on the property ladder is going to be nigh on impossible.

But where you live is not the only place in the country is it?

There are whole swathes of the country where NMW can buy you a house, a family home.

Not withstanding that I dont consider that anyone having their care funded is a sponger. As others have said, your money may soon run out in the care home and then you're state funded anyway and viewed by others as a 'sponger'.

InconsequentialFerret · 12/04/2026 10:46

But I agree with this issue about dementia, its a medical condition as far as I know (not a doctor) so Im confused about why its not seen as a health condition needing nursing care. I know some do get CHC funding for it, but not all and I dont know the ins and outs of that

In the past there was more chance of getting CHC funding for dementia, but they're really strict now as so many people have dementia and there's less money available. I applied on behalf of my mum, and the person deciding was incredibly hostile and she was turned down.

Their argument was that she didn't need nursing (NHS funded), just social care (savings, then LA funded).

She died a couple of months later.

SomethingFun · 12/04/2026 10:47

What I can say is someone is getting rich off of this and it’s not anyone who needs care is it? If you’ve not got a pot to piss in you can get something for free, regardless of how you entered into that situation. And I think we all agree we don’t want elderly people dying in the streets because they don’t own a home. If you’ve managed to get a pot to piss in that will immediately be taken away from you and given to someone else to make profit from. As soon as that money runs out you are on your own and might end up in a worse situation than if you had nothing to start with as you can be moved from where you have settled if your council refuse to pay.

I don’t think anyone wants to go into a care home and I do believe if it’s just an expensive death waiting room that doesn’t provide a quality of life people should have the choice to end their life in a calm manner at home.

Cheese55 · 12/04/2026 10:50

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 10:34

I believe that people should pay for their care where they can, my parents will, I will etc

But I agree with this issue about dementia, its a medical condition as far as I know (not a doctor) so Im confused about why its not seen as a health condition needing nursing care. I know some do get CHC funding for it, but not all and I dont know the ins and outs of that

Health care is funded/hospital care by way of taxes because thats what taxes cover, thats fine. Health is free at the point of delivery.

Social care is not funded and Im ok with that, but Im not ok with the differential between some health needs being called social care needs.

CHC is not paid due to the medical condition they have, it's the needs the health problems leads to. So dementia is usually difficulties with personal care, medication, making meals etc. All these needs are classed as social care needs.

Cheese55 · 12/04/2026 10:53

Hedgehogbrown · 12/04/2026 10:00

I thought that the situation was that the first 80 grand will go to care costs, and the government pays the rest. This is the wrong way round, as rich people will still have money left over to pass to their children, but poorer people who worked hard to buy a flat or small house for just over 100k won't have much to give at all. They will be the ones whose children need it most. I don't have a comment to make on people who don't own homes because they probably deal with enough unfair shit throughout their lives. Bottom line is it should all be free.

This has never been the case. All of your savings are used.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/04/2026 10:53

We’ve had two self-funders in this family, my DM and my FiL (both with dementia) and TBH to us it was something of a ‘luxury’ to be able to choose the time and place, rather than being at the mercy of social workers when councils are invariably strapped for cash.

I’ve read and heard of too many people doing their best to care for relatives, who have been absolutely on their knees with exhaustion before social services would act.
One person I heard of became so desperate that she told SS that if they didn’t do something NOW, she was going to take her relative (with dementia) to A&E and leave him/her there. And she meant it.
Only then did SS act.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/04/2026 10:58

Cheese55 · 12/04/2026 10:50

CHC is not paid due to the medical condition they have, it's the needs the health problems leads to. So dementia is usually difficulties with personal care, medication, making meals etc. All these needs are classed as social care needs.

Yes, help with washing, dressing, often ‘toileting’, as they like to call it, maybe with eating and drinking. And someone always just there, to reassure when there’s anxiety/confusion. Someone there at night, when there’s ‘wandering’…
None of which need a trained nurse.

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 10:58

MyLuckyHelper · 12/04/2026 08:55

“That’s what we did in the nineties” 🤦🏻‍♀️

Firstly, what am I buying with £150k today? Secondly, where’s the deposit coming from
when I’m spending £1400/month on rent. In a NMW job the full time take home is about £1700. Maths isn’t gonna math there.

Actually years ago lots of people were ‘given’ houses - albeit social ones - that they could choose to buy if they wished. That’s a pipe dream for most now.

I became a single parent to 4 during covid, years ago I’d have been first in line for a council home. Now, despite being made homeless twice in two years, I’ve not got a hope in hell of getting a social property.

If by some miracle I did, I could easily save the deposit for a home. Still wouldn’t find a lender to lend me enough for the rest on a single salary but I could at least access shared ownership. As it stands, my rent will keep rising at a rate that bears no relation to my wages. And all the while I’ll be working just as hard as someone who has a mortgage and have much less to show for it 👌🏻

There are plenty of properties up and down the country for 150k

In areas where a full house is about 150k, the rent is no where near 1400pcm

Two people on NMW (even one if they go to a broker) can afford a mortgage of 135k

InconsequentialFerret · 12/04/2026 11:01

Hedgehogbrown · 12/04/2026 10:00

I thought that the situation was that the first 80 grand will go to care costs, and the government pays the rest. This is the wrong way round, as rich people will still have money left over to pass to their children, but poorer people who worked hard to buy a flat or small house for just over 100k won't have much to give at all. They will be the ones whose children need it most. I don't have a comment to make on people who don't own homes because they probably deal with enough unfair shit throughout their lives. Bottom line is it should all be free.

This was proposed, and I thinknlegislation drawn up, lthough not sure if it was 80 grand, but in the end it was abandoned by the then government. Johnson's I think.

Completely unfair as you say and benefitting the better off!

PartQualifiedAcca · 12/04/2026 11:04

Fiftyandme · 12/04/2026 10:35

They’re also taking a risk because local authorities have the right to forensically go through accounts and declare deliberate deprivation of assets - and they do.

Based on my experience of working within a local authority, I don’t think anybody’s got much to worry about there

BIossomtoes · 12/04/2026 11:04

InconsequentialFerret · 12/04/2026 11:01

This was proposed, and I thinknlegislation drawn up, lthough not sure if it was 80 grand, but in the end it was abandoned by the then government. Johnson's I think.

Completely unfair as you say and benefitting the better off!

It was only ever a proposal which successive governments have rejected because it’s completely unaffordable. That’s particularly the case now with so many of us simultaneously reaching old age.

PartQualifiedAcca · 12/04/2026 11:05

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 10:58

There are plenty of properties up and down the country for 150k

In areas where a full house is about 150k, the rent is no where near 1400pcm

Two people on NMW (even one if they go to a broker) can afford a mortgage of 135k

Precisely
Imagine citing your children is being the reason why you have a problem and then getting upset when other people agree with you.

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 11:09

Allisnotlost1 · 12/04/2026 10:10

I guess the difference is that you’re paying your gardener, cleaner whoever a sensible market rate and can shop around. If you’re paying to go into care you’re at the mercy of a market that has been ravaged by private equity to squeeze as much money out as possible. Even a small family owned home is often used as a cash cow, leveraged to pay for the owners home and lifestyle, so they push up prices and reduce costs wherever possible. And in some cases sell unscrupulous probate/PoA legal agents access to residents.

This is true but doesnt negate my point

I do have an issue with how care homes are run/profitised but then Im a public sector worker who believes in the state and that these services should be state run

Over the last 40 years the population has voted in governments who dont agree with me, even Labour ones.

LlamaBasket · 12/04/2026 11:09

Fiftyandme · 12/04/2026 10:35

They’re also taking a risk because local authorities have the right to forensically go through accounts and declare deliberate deprivation of assets - and they do.

That’s why it’s important to help your children out as early as possible. Any gifts given should be done when you’re young and still in good health.
Say I am a fit and healthy 60 year old who gifts DS money to buy a house, twenty years later if I’m diagnosed with dementia, the council isn’t going to view that as deprivation of assets.

likelysuspect · 12/04/2026 11:15

Cheese55 · 12/04/2026 10:50

CHC is not paid due to the medical condition they have, it's the needs the health problems leads to. So dementia is usually difficulties with personal care, medication, making meals etc. All these needs are classed as social care needs.

That makes sense except that if I had cancer and therefore had the same needs that you write about, I would get that for free in a hospice?

This is why I dont understand it

SwirlyGates · 12/04/2026 11:19

LlamaBasket · 12/04/2026 11:09

That’s why it’s important to help your children out as early as possible. Any gifts given should be done when you’re young and still in good health.
Say I am a fit and healthy 60 year old who gifts DS money to buy a house, twenty years later if I’m diagnosed with dementia, the council isn’t going to view that as deprivation of assets.

Very true. I don't want to sit on my money and die rich - the main reason for me is that if I'm in my 90s when I die my kids will be in their 60s. I think money when you're young is more helpful, as that is the life stage when you're typically buying a house, or paying for childcare, or taking 5 people on holiday.

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