AIBU to be hurt by my drunk MIL's comments?

[Sophsholli]

I’ll start with some context, DH and I have been married for 3 years, I generally get on well with his family and this is the first time we have had any issues. We have a 2 year old and a 3 month old.

Anyway, last night was MILs 60th birthday party, I think I was one of very few who didn’t drink and certainly the only one in the immediate family who didn’t. Part way through the evening I would say MIL was fairly drunk, she doesn’t drink much so I haven’t seen her like this. We were chatting and out of nowhere she said some things that really hurt me.
First of all MIL took early retirement and decided to go back to university and get a masters degree, I think good for her! But she made a comment along the lines of “ah you’ll be the only person in the family without a masters soon”. I laughed it off, as well she is technically correct, DH, his dad, his brother, his brothers girlfriend and soon to be MIL all have masters. I wouldn’t have cared if the conversation ended with that. She then asked me if I felt “insecure”, I said no why would I? And she said well you know our family is quite academic and you are not, again I laughed it off and say no it doesn’t bother me and I don’t think degrees are all that important if you have a different path to a good and fulfilling career planned. She continued wittering, insulted the university I did go to, and implied I wasn’t as “bright” as the rest of the family.
I tried to divert the conversation away, but she went on to complimenting BILs girlfriend, her intellect, her beauty etc. She then said at the end “ah you must be a bit jealous of her, with her being so lovely and smart and stunning”. I simply didn’t reply to this and tried to move away to socialise with others.

However this morning this has left me very hurt. On the education front, I grew up in a very working class family and was the first to attend university at all. To me that is a massive achievement, irrespective of how highly sought after the university is. On the other hand DH and his brother were both privately educated, BILs girlfriend went to an international school abroad and comes from a family of professionals and academics.
Second of all, and perhaps more painfully, I feel her last comment was implying that I am not as “stunning” or “lovely” as BILs girlfriend. I’m not blind to the fact that she is objectively a very attractive woman, and she is rather lovely and clearly intelligent. However I’ve never felt insecure around her as a result. I won’t pretend I’m some sort of model but I wouldn’t say I’m unattractive so it felt like an unnecessary comment.

I told DH this morning and he asked if I wanted him to talk to her about this. I said I’d like him to mention it as it’s not comments I want to receive again in the future. He said he would but he felt I shouldn’t take it to heart and she only compliments BILs girlfriend so much because she is foreign and his mother views her as “exotic” (she’s French-Italian). He seemed shocked that I am hurt, and thinks I should brush it off as MIL being too drunk and loose with her words and not allow it to sour our relationship with her, but to me it was her been unfiltered and honest and she clearly views me as slightly unattractive and not very intelligent.

AIBU to be hurt?

I would definately call her out on this. Totally uncalled for and downright nasty. Take the moral highground if she tries to blame it on drinking and tell her that if she can't behave whilst drinking she shouldn't be doing it. Your husband also needs to address this with her.

Nobody cares where you did your degree unless it was Oxbridge, I say this as an academic working at a well respected Russell. The binary between post 92s and Russell’s has long since ended. So many people now have a degree, it doesn’t mean as much as it used to unless it’s obtained at Oxbridge. It actually doesn’t even mean as much to get a first class anymore, since those are more common than they once were too.

Getting into a Russell at 18 means very little, as I say unless it’s Oxbridge. It just means you did well in your A Levels but actually some working class kids do well in their A Levels and still end up at a post 92 because they’re first gen so don’t really recognise the difference, or don’t care, or there are cost reasons associated e.g they’re more likely to stay at home to save money so need a commutable institution.

Also doing a masters in your 60s is great, whatever but she obviously isn’t doing it for any reason other than to say she has a masters. It isn’t going to lead anywhere career wise at her age. She just sounds like a bit of a pretentious nob who doesn’t really understand how little most of the world gives a fuck about your degree.

I’m educated to post doc level, I did my post doc at Oxford but I did my undergrad degree at a post 92. I preferred the post 92 over Oxford.

Basically your MIL is insecure and also pretentious. Your DH needs to have a word with her.

Your husband is not as outraged as he should be on your behalf. What terrible words from your mother-in-law.

I think I would take that as being unfiltered and honest. It's obviously not the first time it's occurred to her, just the first time she's said it.

I would tell her that you have never felt insecure in the family but you do now!

You are certainly entitled to be upset by your MIL behaviour, which was totally unacceptable. I wonder how someone who considers themselves to be bright and clever could be so crass, uncaring and stupid. Drink does make people do and say stupid things but I would not sweep this under the carpet. If you DH is not willing to speak with his mother then I would write to her, explaining how much she upset you and quore every excruciating detail of her drunked comments.

Your DH should be backing you up more wholeheartedly.

I would ring her and tell her she was unkind and rather cruel. I would also say something along the lines of ‘Wouldn’t it be a shame if an average looking, averagely educated woman decided to leave your son and he had to pay child maintenance for the next 18 years because I was made to feel inferior by the people I thought loved me unreservedly.’ Fucking bitch, I think your husband should be livid on your behalf to be honest. Let him speak to her and insist he doesn’t sugar coat it. This needs nipping in the bud. She’s lucky she doesn’t have to deal with my working class, averagely educated self because I would have ruined her night if she spoke to me like that. The most highly paid people I know don’t even have a degree! In fact I’m bitter that I paid for one. Likewise, ‘beauty’ isn’t everything is it? You’ve birthed two of her Grand children for goodness sake! Talking about appearance is very low class if you ask me and I would let her know that.

This! 100%!

She’s clearly projecting. She felt insecure and jealous of the girlfriend or else why go back to university at a late stage and why make a big deal of it now. Nothing to do with you at all.

I agree with the people saying she’s trying to put her own insecurities onto you. Obviously, it’s a hurtful way to behave. But I so much disagree with the people saying ‘never forget this’. This is how hatred grows and family feuds and factions. Far better just to be a bigger person, understand her insecurities and put it out of your mind. It must be be horrible to hold grudges for years or decades.

I would approach it from a slightly different angle.

In front of DH, I would tell MIL that I didn’t appreciate her totally unfounded suggestion that I was jealous of SIL- however, as a confident, competent grown adult I could let the drunken lies of a wittering old woman wash over me.

On the other hand, I would tell her if she were ever to pull that kind of crap around your children, she wouldn’t be having contact with them for a very long time.

All MIL duties are now in your DH.
Don’t see her for 12 months and let’s see if she notices.
She’s an enemy. Thinks she’s as smart as a whip but actually has zero emotional intelligence. Immature. Even if she does notice your absence, would she have the capacity to think why? Avoid!!

Disappointing that OP never came back to the thread.

Love it!!

Except use the word old instead of retired! (I’m a bit older but in this instance I wouldn‘t mind the word old being used😁.

This. I would phase her out of my life as far as I practically could but your DH needs to up his game. He's nearly as bad as his mother.

If she said anything off colour again, I would say "Well, at least I don't get pissed and insult people".

What a horror - I’d keep out of her way as much as possible.

Yes of course. that’s a basic family rule.

I think she definitely needs pulling up on this. She kept on hammering on, it wasn’t even one careless slip.
I think you should send her a message and say that you were quite offended and hurt by her comments and insinuations. I’d also add that even if you may not be quite as highly educated as the rest of her family you were brought up with enough manners and emotional intelligence to know that you should never belittle someone or say such insulting things to someone.

Oh, so you met some of my family then! But this behaviour needs to be stamped out and not allowed to fester

What on earth is a Master's for except this kind of nonsense? Yes the comment was hurtful and sort to undermine- but indicates insecurities l think.
l would make it crystal clear l am very hurt and not overreacting and that l expect DH to talk to his mother and ensures she apologises, when she does make it clear you realise she was drunk, so you can put it behind you- but perhaps don't drink so much another time- she likes making people feel inferior , make sure she gets some of her own medicine.
Then let the matter close and don't mention it again.
I got a good first degree and was offered funding for a Master's I asked my tutor what is it good for, he said only useful if you want to teach, or research really, it just puts you a little ahead- so l declined as l didn't want an academic post.

I'd remind the sour cow that no matter how good her degree is she's never really going to use it. She's already 60 and only just started at university she's probably not getting that degree for at least 3years so she's going to realistically be close to retiring by the time she qualifies. What a waste of money on years of studying with no job to show for it. She's doing it to make a spectacle of herself and she'll look stupid doing so. Let her carry on projecting her insecurities because she's the one who looks unintelligent at this point

Yes. Yet another with lots of responses and no further post from the OP.

That isn't petty. It's completely reasonable!

It’s fine that she has these opinions but it’s socially and morally unacceptable to express them. There was nothing good from those revelations aside from her satisfying her own mean and judgmental tendencies. I wouldn’t want my husband to say anything, he’s already made it clear he doesn’t see it as an issue so I doubt he’ll take it seriously and he might even make her feel better about it by brushing it off.

Those comments would stay with me or, more so, her unnecessary need to say them. She was trying to make you feel bad and unless there’s more to the story it was unprovoked. I’d struggle not to make comments about it for the rest of time. When asked my opinion “Oh, I don’t think my opinion is worth anything without a masters”. I probably wouldn’t say them aloud but I’d want to. I wouldn’t see her in the same light after that and would want a good amount of time away from her.