AIBU to be hurt by my drunk MIL's comments?

[Sophsholli]

I’ll start with some context, DH and I have been married for 3 years, I generally get on well with his family and this is the first time we have had any issues. We have a 2 year old and a 3 month old.

Anyway, last night was MILs 60th birthday party, I think I was one of very few who didn’t drink and certainly the only one in the immediate family who didn’t. Part way through the evening I would say MIL was fairly drunk, she doesn’t drink much so I haven’t seen her like this. We were chatting and out of nowhere she said some things that really hurt me.
First of all MIL took early retirement and decided to go back to university and get a masters degree, I think good for her! But she made a comment along the lines of “ah you’ll be the only person in the family without a masters soon”. I laughed it off, as well she is technically correct, DH, his dad, his brother, his brothers girlfriend and soon to be MIL all have masters. I wouldn’t have cared if the conversation ended with that. She then asked me if I felt “insecure”, I said no why would I? And she said well you know our family is quite academic and you are not, again I laughed it off and say no it doesn’t bother me and I don’t think degrees are all that important if you have a different path to a good and fulfilling career planned. She continued wittering, insulted the university I did go to, and implied I wasn’t as “bright” as the rest of the family.
I tried to divert the conversation away, but she went on to complimenting BILs girlfriend, her intellect, her beauty etc. She then said at the end “ah you must be a bit jealous of her, with her being so lovely and smart and stunning”. I simply didn’t reply to this and tried to move away to socialise with others.

However this morning this has left me very hurt. On the education front, I grew up in a very working class family and was the first to attend university at all. To me that is a massive achievement, irrespective of how highly sought after the university is. On the other hand DH and his brother were both privately educated, BILs girlfriend went to an international school abroad and comes from a family of professionals and academics.
Second of all, and perhaps more painfully, I feel her last comment was implying that I am not as “stunning” or “lovely” as BILs girlfriend. I’m not blind to the fact that she is objectively a very attractive woman, and she is rather lovely and clearly intelligent. However I’ve never felt insecure around her as a result. I won’t pretend I’m some sort of model but I wouldn’t say I’m unattractive so it felt like an unnecessary comment.

I told DH this morning and he asked if I wanted him to talk to her about this. I said I’d like him to mention it as it’s not comments I want to receive again in the future. He said he would but he felt I shouldn’t take it to heart and she only compliments BILs girlfriend so much because she is foreign and his mother views her as “exotic” (she’s French-Italian). He seemed shocked that I am hurt, and thinks I should brush it off as MIL being too drunk and loose with her words and not allow it to sour our relationship with her, but to me it was her been unfiltered and honest and she clearly views me as slightly unattractive and not very intelligent.

AIBU to be hurt?

I'd also do zero DIL-work from now on... zero facilitation of access to the kids, zero choosing her birthday present on DH's behalf, zero sending her cute pics of the kids etc. If she asks why, you can briefly say it's because she made it clear she doesn't respect you.

It's a shame her Masters isn't in manners & etiquette isn't it?
I'd have responded along the lines of pointing out that she's retired and doing the masters which means time you clearly don't have the luxury of with 2 small children.
She sounds an utter twat tbh and glad your DH is going to speak to her but please ensure he doesn't minimise this as her comments were hurtful & fucking plain rude.

@Catwalking that's another fab idea !

Op whip your phone out and say " just recording this so you can see what you've said when your sober "

I'd bring it up with her briefly, but directly, the next time you are alone with her - that her comments were disrespectful, seemed intended to be hurtful, & that you are not sure what you have done to deserve being spoke to in this way. You could add how sad it is if she has felt inadequate about her academic credentials until now, but that this is not the way you see the world, especially as pretty much anyone capable of a reasonable first degree is capable of continuing to masters (true).

I absolutely understand why you're hurt, but you need to come to terms with the fact that her not thinking much of you has no bearing whatsoever on your worth. Other people's opinions are both subjective and can be very stupid.

My SILs, of whom I am quite fond, think that I share their opinion of another, newer SIL -- that she's enviably chic and sexy and exotic, and that everyone wants to be like her. I think, and DH thinks, that she's a vacuous airhead whose undeniable prettiness in no way makes up for the fact of her extreme dopiness.

Your MIL is a mannerless drunk.

What she said is obviously her privately held view.
She really is very low class.

I wonder how your husband eould feel if someond he liked and thought liked him would come out with such a nasty diatribe?

I 100% think you need to repeat back to her verbatim what she said to you and thank her letting her know exactly what she thinks of you.

Without the most heartfelt apologies she wouldn't see me for dust.

I also would share with the family exactly what was said.

This isn't a bit of drunkdn silliness.
She repeatedly insulted you, your appearance and your achievements.

She's a nasty bitch and no way would I ever feel comfortable around her again.

I would be spelling it out at length to your husband just how rude his mother is.

Do not be gaslit by him or her.

“Academic qualifications can’t buy you class, tho - amirite, Pamela?”

Considering she is (supposedly) so intelligent, your MIL sounds v v thick op! Who says such things?! She's clearly lacking in the emotional intelligence department - which, when all said and done, is what matters most! I'm so cross on your behalf op. She's really shown herself up and being drunk is not an excuse. She's clearly very stupid!

It must be hurtful to hear those things but it sounds like your DH does not agree! depends what sort of relationship you have but I for one would be sarcastic. How is your hangover MIL am I sill an undereducated plain Jane today?

I'm trying to imagine wanting to say things like that to anyone and I just can't.

Thanks to my late father showing me too many Blackadder and Red Dwarf episodes when I was young, on the rare occasion I get completely sauced I have been told I giggle to myself about having a triple fried egg chilli chutney sandwich and singing about goblins.

It must take a genuine deep down nastiness and insecurity to want to verbally attack someone else like that. I know it's bit overused but, it says more about her than you op. She really showed herself up.

Wow, she shows her true colours after a few drinks doesn’t she!

I probably wouldn’t say anything, but it would permanently affect how I deal with her in the future. Be careful of someone like this. Don’t ever confide in her as she will use it against you down the line. A permanent and quiet distance is what’s required with a woman like this. Arms length, always.

You should of said to her “you got a masters i got manners “ rude bitch

she only compliments BILs girlfriend so much because she is foreign and his mother views her as “exotic”

Wtaf?

So she doesn't think much of either of you then?

It sounds as though your dh has hot so used to his mother mouthing off about degrees and who is better than who that he has become desensitised to it. If it's playing on your mind message her and tell her that you didn't like her comments and that you expect to be treated with respect in future.

I wouldn't sent your DH in on your behalf, that will cause mayhem and get you nowhere. She will take the same tone as him and be "shocked" that you're upset, if she even admits to saying it in the first place. I'd take the high road and keep that in your back pocket for now.

She's just let you know that for years she felt insecure at being the only one in the family without a masters, and being 60 and surrounded by younger women is probably stinging her. She's punching down, which is pathetic.

I'd pull right back from now on, your DH can step up and perform for her from now on.

YANBU to be hurt and your MIL is an intellectually snobbish cow. However, I think you are being a bit over-sensitive to equate not being "stunning" with being slightly unattractive. Most of us are not stunning.

I would definitely get your DH to talk to her about it. I understand why some people think you should have the talk yourself, but I think she should know that she has insulted her son too by showing disrespect to his wife; hopefully it will make her even more mortified. It’s possible that she doesn’t remember anything about it and will be (rightly) horrified when she realises what she said and the effects it has had on both you and her son.

The good part is that you will now permanently have something over her!

Your mother in law was very tactless but you say she was drunk. People say all sorts of things in drink.

Personally I think she was rather vulgar to be drunk.

Your MIL is cruel and nasty in drink .
Your DH is minimising her nastiness.
What you decide to do about it is your decision.
If it were me, i expect my DH to let his mother know her behaviour in drink is unacceptable and unless she apologises to you for her unpleasantness you won the around her when shes drinking ever again.

OP, you sound absolutely wonderful - so balanced, intelligent and mature. Your MIL
was seriously out of line and I do think your husband should have a word with her as you really shouldn’t have to deal with this type of snobby remark in future.

It is to your great credit that you haven’t had a massive strop here and I rather suspect your mil may not remember her comments and will be mortified when DH brings this subject up. But he definitely should as this needs to be nipped in the bud.

Providing your DH does say something to her, I imagine she'll approach you with the old 'it was just a joke, you shouldn't be so sensitive' malarkey. Have something ready. Tight smile 'A masters qualification, doesnt cancel out a nasty drunk. You're always just a nasty drunk with a masters'

"I see you've Mastered in Assholery."

I think this is an excellent response.
Often drunks forget what they say.
If she's a drinker she'll lose part of her memory long term.

She’s the one who sounds very insecure to me.

Why is she so hung up on a master’s when she’s only just started hers? In my experience, it’s probably because she went back to study and is now rethinking her life choices—I have seen this before as I work in academia.

So she hasn’t actually got her masters degree yet?
Hopefully she’ll fail miserably, and you can have a fabulous chuckle about it. They do say that drunk, and sleeptalking people only ever speak the truth.
What a horrible person she is.

She got drunk and became loose with her words. In doing that she gifted you some very useful information about herself.
Use that intel wisely OP.

You can now see her in a new light and sadly, it’s not so nice. She isn’t the woman you thought she was. She’s an anxious type, vulnerable and actually rather unstable, thinking a masters will give her confidence, one upmanship and the liberty to talk down to people who she can now suddenly consider lesser than herself. She has revealed her insecurity, total lack of manners and poor values quite clearly. And she has certainly miscalculated you.

I wouldn’t ask your husband to talk to her.
I’d send her a thank you note. ‘Thanks for the chat at your birthday party. Good to know your thoughts. Love Soph.

Maybe she will apologise sincerely, without any further prompting, in which case you can graciously accept her apology and let it go.
Or maybe she will ask you what you mean and you can then feign surprise that she has forgotten what she said so easily and tell her that actually, it’s for the best that she was so drunk that she can’t remember.

Whatever you decide to do, keep the upper hand, don’t be tempted to play into her immaturity, rise above her, but just be on your guard around her. She can’t really be trusted.