AIBU to be hurt by my drunk MIL's comments?

[Sophsholli]

I’ll start with some context, DH and I have been married for 3 years, I generally get on well with his family and this is the first time we have had any issues. We have a 2 year old and a 3 month old.

Anyway, last night was MILs 60th birthday party, I think I was one of very few who didn’t drink and certainly the only one in the immediate family who didn’t. Part way through the evening I would say MIL was fairly drunk, she doesn’t drink much so I haven’t seen her like this. We were chatting and out of nowhere she said some things that really hurt me.
First of all MIL took early retirement and decided to go back to university and get a masters degree, I think good for her! But she made a comment along the lines of “ah you’ll be the only person in the family without a masters soon”. I laughed it off, as well she is technically correct, DH, his dad, his brother, his brothers girlfriend and soon to be MIL all have masters. I wouldn’t have cared if the conversation ended with that. She then asked me if I felt “insecure”, I said no why would I? And she said well you know our family is quite academic and you are not, again I laughed it off and say no it doesn’t bother me and I don’t think degrees are all that important if you have a different path to a good and fulfilling career planned. She continued wittering, insulted the university I did go to, and implied I wasn’t as “bright” as the rest of the family.
I tried to divert the conversation away, but she went on to complimenting BILs girlfriend, her intellect, her beauty etc. She then said at the end “ah you must be a bit jealous of her, with her being so lovely and smart and stunning”. I simply didn’t reply to this and tried to move away to socialise with others.

However this morning this has left me very hurt. On the education front, I grew up in a very working class family and was the first to attend university at all. To me that is a massive achievement, irrespective of how highly sought after the university is. On the other hand DH and his brother were both privately educated, BILs girlfriend went to an international school abroad and comes from a family of professionals and academics.
Second of all, and perhaps more painfully, I feel her last comment was implying that I am not as “stunning” or “lovely” as BILs girlfriend. I’m not blind to the fact that she is objectively a very attractive woman, and she is rather lovely and clearly intelligent. However I’ve never felt insecure around her as a result. I won’t pretend I’m some sort of model but I wouldn’t say I’m unattractive so it felt like an unnecessary comment.

I told DH this morning and he asked if I wanted him to talk to her about this. I said I’d like him to mention it as it’s not comments I want to receive again in the future. He said he would but he felt I shouldn’t take it to heart and she only compliments BILs girlfriend so much because she is foreign and his mother views her as “exotic” (she’s French-Italian). He seemed shocked that I am hurt, and thinks I should brush it off as MIL being too drunk and loose with her words and not allow it to sour our relationship with her, but to me it was her been unfiltered and honest and she clearly views me as slightly unattractive and not very intelligent.

AIBU to be hurt?

From now on, At every family gathering, I would loudly remind everyone that mil should only have soft drinks because "you know how vulgar she gets when she's had a skin full".

Honestly, your academic achievements are much more impressive because you came from a working class background, attended a state school and you were the first in your family to go to University. You should be very proud of yourself. Your DH, his brother and his brother's girlfriend had the massive advantages of family wealth and private education.

Your DH should be angry on your behalf but he seems very passive and reluctant to speak to her. I would be pulling right back from ever being in her company again and wouldn't want my children to be exposed to her elitist and unkind views about their mother.

I am thinking of the younger women in my family - all with different attributes, all equally as fabulous. I’d like to think that once you are about 60 - not quite Ena Sharples but you catch my drift - it is literally your job to support, encourage, praise and most of all celebrate what those young women bring.
(I’m not ignoring everyone else deserving the same!)
I can remember as a young teacher being appalled at senior women being vile about some of the pupils - the personal comments were awful. I thought why on earth are they doing that? To be fair, at 23 I probably thought anyone over 30 was old but….
Now I am twice that age I love seeing these young women thrive in whatever they are doing. I see how tough it is - pressure to look a certain way, to have money, to be a yummy mummy, whatever it is the algorithm sends.
The MIL here has probably always been a nasty piece of work.
At 60, you should know your own worth and also understand you have wisdom that’s worth passing on, if asked for help.
The thing is this woman has probably been bitchy to most of the women in the room. She sounds bitter and envious.

Sadly people often share their true thoughts when drunk. I hope she has ‘the fear’ today and flashbacks about being offensive. She sounds snobby and not that pleasant.

I don't really think there is much point getting into a full-on argument about what she said. Will that change her mind on her ridiculous views? Of course not. All she will likely do is turn on the tears and the "poor misunderstood me act" to pull everyone else back into line (ask me how I know!)
Consider this an early "gift". She has shown you her true nature and feelings about you and your education (all the more impressive tbh). Now you know how little she values you but you are now free of any obligations to her. Conversations in future can remain at surface-level, give her nothing to use against you. If she does remember what she said (quite likely unless she was falling down) and tries to deflect this onto her over-indulgence of alcohol, remind her of those three well use words already seen many times in this thread... "In vino veritas".

I don't have any relationship with my ex in laws and never did, but if it was me (and I enjoy being petty), I'd make sure the favourite sister in law is the one who has to do everything for MIL from now on and withdraw from it all.

I am sorry your MIL hurt you with those words, I hope you can move forward from this. It reminded me of when my parents also did a degree when they took early retirement and my dad said similar to me (he wasnt drunk at the time and I think he meant it not to hurt me but it did) he said to me "how does it feel to be the only person in the family without a degree" - This was in 1980, and both my parents have since passed, but it still hurts when I think back to that comment, so understand how painful words like that can be x

I'd hang fire until you consider that you've given her enough time to have plucked up the courage to raise it and, of course, to apologise profusely.
If she doesn't, you might in the course of taking her to task, mention what a shame it is that they don't hand out a spine with a Masters.

I would be very hurt . These are quite passive aggressive comments designed to belittle you . DH needs to have a word and maybe you should have a retort ready for next time she's drunk and obnoxious. I'm sure you are lovely and attractive too .

Bitch

Aw OP I can totally sympathise with you. My MIL tries every which way to insult me in those questioning ways or makes (not so) subtle digs about how I look/present myself. I have more degrees than anyone I know but no PhD (yet) and she told me not to do one as I wasn’t the type. Reading between the lines she’s challenged by my lack of need to be recognised as pretty or smart or anything really as she relies on praise from others and I’m confident enough in who I am not to need external validation.

Your MIL may have been making digs at you but she’s not doing that for any reason to do with you and for every reason related to her own insecurity and need to feel superior. She knows you’re comfortable and confident with who you are and that unsettles her. Being drunk just gives her the courage. Go into every future interaction remembering that.

Also, If she’s only doing it at 60 then I’m guessing you’d have plenty of time to catch up if you wanted to and perhaps point out that you’d expect to have your PhD by her age if you so choose but you don’t see the rush cos that’s ages away for you.

I’m done with taking the higher ground and am all about returning the digs to make me feel better.

Your mil might think a Masters makes her look intelligent and you without one makes you less intelligent.

But really does making nasty remarks to the person who is going to have a hand in choosing your nursing home show intelligence or stupidity

Personally I wouldn’t say anything. I wouldn’t want her to think her opinion was that important that it hurt me.
But I would use it to see who she truly is and avoid much contact going forward.

my MIL has said two similar awful things to me (one drunk and one not) and I just am polite and friendly twice a year. It suits me

She has shown you what she values and told you her truth - as others have said, "in vino veritas" but none of that has anything at all to do with you. Remember her value system is just something that is in her head - it isn't a ledger of your value in any real sense. It did take me until after my in laws died to realise that I could never please them and would have been better being my own person and not trying to please them. I suggest you just crack on being you - you sound sane, sober and reasonable so well done!

I can understand that she has invested in doing a masters and wants to make that mean something of value but the meaning is hers - let her have it. You've got your own ideas about what is important/of value. You'll be laughing about this in a few years particularly when the "beautiful" DIL disappoints.

Possibly she has a massive hangover today and no memory of what she said but maybe an uneasy feeling wondering if she did/said something she shouldn’t have. I’d let her stew. If you see her ask how the hangover is, or say “you must have had a terrible hangover. You were quite drunk weren’t you”. Hint that she behaved badly. Leave her worrying if she did/said something even worse than whatever she remembers. Anytime you are at a social occasion involving alcohol remind her to go easy. Leave it to her guilty conscience to do the work while you serenely rise above it.

I get it and I'd be hurt too.

If it makes you feel any better, the first time my MIL met my sister she (MIL) said to me after, 'she's such a lovely girl! So pretty and outgoing! She's nothing like you, is she?' 🥴

Yeah because all overweight plain women like me are bitter and jealous.

What a nasty stereotype!

Such a nasty thing to say!!

And if it makes you feel any better my MIL always compares me to husband's brother wife and how stunning she is!!

Even said she was better looking on her wedding day than I was.on mine 🥴

Sounds like she is the one who feels insecure and it’s making her a bitch! I’d wait until she’s she’s sober and in front of the family and say I’ve been thinking about what you said and quote her. So I am going to do a Masters, but like you, I’ll wait until I’m old and have less going on.

That’s horrible OP. If you want her to know how horrible her comments were then you need to do it as your DH will minimise as you’ve seen.

She doesn’t think you are good enough for her son.

if this happened to me I wouldn’t confront because I’m not going to persuade her to feel differently. I would be massively disengaging from anything family related in future so I won’t need to be near her - on my way out if she pops by, having migraines and putting my energy and focus into others who think I’m good enough.

I would be NC with her after that, how rude.

In vino veritas. Unfortunately it has to be there to come out when alcohol removes the filter. She was exceptionally rude and hurtful. And she needs to be told that, either by your husband or yourself. And I think either way your husband needs to make his position clear on this. Scenarios like this have very real consequences. I am sure your husband won't want his children compared to other kids in the family like that in years to come.

Your husband should have your back, but I think she'll be more mortified if you bring it up with her directly, him by your side.

I 100% agree with you.