AIBU to be hurt by my drunk MIL's comments?

[Sophsholli]

I’ll start with some context, DH and I have been married for 3 years, I generally get on well with his family and this is the first time we have had any issues. We have a 2 year old and a 3 month old.

Anyway, last night was MILs 60th birthday party, I think I was one of very few who didn’t drink and certainly the only one in the immediate family who didn’t. Part way through the evening I would say MIL was fairly drunk, she doesn’t drink much so I haven’t seen her like this. We were chatting and out of nowhere she said some things that really hurt me.
First of all MIL took early retirement and decided to go back to university and get a masters degree, I think good for her! But she made a comment along the lines of “ah you’ll be the only person in the family without a masters soon”. I laughed it off, as well she is technically correct, DH, his dad, his brother, his brothers girlfriend and soon to be MIL all have masters. I wouldn’t have cared if the conversation ended with that. She then asked me if I felt “insecure”, I said no why would I? And she said well you know our family is quite academic and you are not, again I laughed it off and say no it doesn’t bother me and I don’t think degrees are all that important if you have a different path to a good and fulfilling career planned. She continued wittering, insulted the university I did go to, and implied I wasn’t as “bright” as the rest of the family.
I tried to divert the conversation away, but she went on to complimenting BILs girlfriend, her intellect, her beauty etc. She then said at the end “ah you must be a bit jealous of her, with her being so lovely and smart and stunning”. I simply didn’t reply to this and tried to move away to socialise with others.

However this morning this has left me very hurt. On the education front, I grew up in a very working class family and was the first to attend university at all. To me that is a massive achievement, irrespective of how highly sought after the university is. On the other hand DH and his brother were both privately educated, BILs girlfriend went to an international school abroad and comes from a family of professionals and academics.
Second of all, and perhaps more painfully, I feel her last comment was implying that I am not as “stunning” or “lovely” as BILs girlfriend. I’m not blind to the fact that she is objectively a very attractive woman, and she is rather lovely and clearly intelligent. However I’ve never felt insecure around her as a result. I won’t pretend I’m some sort of model but I wouldn’t say I’m unattractive so it felt like an unnecessary comment.

I told DH this morning and he asked if I wanted him to talk to her about this. I said I’d like him to mention it as it’s not comments I want to receive again in the future. He said he would but he felt I shouldn’t take it to heart and she only compliments BILs girlfriend so much because she is foreign and his mother views her as “exotic” (she’s French-Italian). He seemed shocked that I am hurt, and thinks I should brush it off as MIL being too drunk and loose with her words and not allow it to sour our relationship with her, but to me it was her been unfiltered and honest and she clearly views me as slightly unattractive and not very intelligent.

AIBU to be hurt?

I'd take the opportunity of her being drunk and rude to make sure I didn't have to see her much. Id be telling my dh I wouldn't be bothering much with her in the future,

You could try embarrassing her back? "We would have loved to come for lunch, but I don't think I'm bright enough or attractive enough to be worthy of an invitation...why not just invite SIL?"

This is canny advice…. Knowledge is power!

Sounds like a total bitch. Would be keeping my distance unless an apology was issued.

I actually think she might be jealous of you!

Plus most of the people I know who have done Masters didn’t really use them. A few did it for the love of the subject, a couple for a particular job, but more than a few because they couldn’t get a job at all!

I would much rather go into the world of work, earn some money and get some skills personally.

I’d just ignore her and walk off next time- just ignore it and put it down to petty jealousy on her part.

She’s shown you who she is. And it’s not particularly pleasant. I think long term she’ll regret this .

MIL might have superior book smarts but her social skills and diplomacy are lacking. How embarrassing for her that she's a bit of a lush.

@Sophsholli
I've never met a person who when drunk lied
about whatever they were "talking" about and
She's unfortunately told you the truth right there
Confront her yourself
To get your hurt /offended feelings across
And watch her say she was joking and didn't mean/has forgotten what was said but you know to keep going on and on when no encouragement was offered shows otherwise
Then make sure to distance yourself
As my mother-in-law used to say
"Jokes" with jags are seen as truth by the sayer
Cow meant every word

This.

I’m afraid I’d take a hard line to prevent this type of crap happening again.
Id pop round on my own and ask for a word.

Very patronisingly I’d tell MIL that while you understand it was a special occasion, she had clearly ‘over indulged herself’ in alcohol her behaviour was embarrassing for HER… You don’t compare yourself to other family members, especially those you like 😉 and that a Masters does not qualify anything other than the likelihood of a larger student debt. You’re very happy with your degree and HER son’s choice of life partner so if she’d refrain from such pathetic bluster at future events it will save HER any future embarrassment.
swan out with much confidence and don’t look back! The only way to maintain the upper hand is to put her on the back foot!

Why do you think she should get away with her nasty remarks?

She needs to stop drinking if she does this-it reminds me of drunk teenage behaviour, where someone upsets another person. Not ok. It might be objectively true that SIL looks a certain way/has a certain degree, but that does not make her a better person.
If MIL has always been ok before, an apology and a promise not to get herself like this again/seek help would do for me. If not, I'd say I get little free time and don't want to spend it around rude people.

Id confront her in a non aggressive way next time you see her. Id edge it into the conversation and say 'My goodness you really gave it to me at your 60th".

She either laughs nervously as she knows rightly and apologises or pretends it was a joke and "I had too much to drink"

If she apologises fair enough, you know how she really feels about you, she KNOWS you know, but it won't cause a family row.

If she tries to make little of it and blame the drink Id just say "well it was pretty hurtful actually"

And id be seeing less of her in future⁰

My god but she really has shown her true colours hasn’t she. This isn’t even about the masters because if it wasn’t that it would be something else, she just wants to feel superior and she was trying to belittle you. I could never look at her in the same light again it would really change things forever for me.

When I graduated with a degree in English and was asked what I was going to do next, I said my master’s degree. She said, “Oh. Is that all?” OP, your MIL should return to school to learn good manners. Being tipsy is no excuse for her trying to shame you.

Sounds like she’s projecting her own insecurities onto you seeing as she’s only just doing her masters now. Should’ve asked if she’s only doing it because she feels inferior to the rest of the family. It’s not like she’s planning to build a career from it

"He seemed shocked that I am hurt, and thinks I should brush it off as MIL being too drunk and loose with her words and not allow it to sour our relationship with her"

I wonder if he'd feel the same if you provided her with similar opinions about HER shortcomings (be sure to have a glass of wine first, so you can claim you're not responsible for what you say..). I suspect he'd feel that you needed to apologise if you did that🤔

I explained in a previous reply that it wouldn't be her getting away with it, exactly the opposite! She's probably being eaten up by what she said, so let her stew in the cringe

I must admit, this is how I would be inclined to view it.

Ouch. A nasty side to her, then!

If you were brave enough I definitely think you are justified in saying something yourself. Your husband should be much more cross than he is. Does he ever make you feel like this?

Very much agree with the consensus that she is the insecure one.

This is a very insightful view. Go with this OP.

She has shown you who she is.
Act accordingly from now on.

This 100 per cent.

I've had considerable experience of battleaxe relatives, although some of them were very skilled at wording their barbs in a way that was open to interpretation (which is worse in some ways).
Your darling MIL on the other hand, no inhibitions there, she spelt it out very clearly. I actually think the openly nasty way she spoke to you was quite shocking. She won't be mortified or embarrased, she will be very satisfied that she "spoke her mind" and feel that she's got one up on you.
Instead of just enjoying her achievement of graduating, she had to make you feel bad by rubbing it in your face, imagining that you'd be wildly jealous. When that didn't have the desired effect, she tried to undermine and unsettle you by comparing you very unfavourably to your SIL and hopefully drive a wedge between the two of you. It was deliberate Mean Girl 101.

So I don't agree with the advice to rise above it... say nothing... let it blow over... don't rock the boat... don't make a fuss about nothing and worst of all "I'm sure she didn't mean it." advice I was always given. It doesn't work.

All it says to people like that is that theyve got away with it. No one will stop them or say anything. They wouldn't be saying things like that they were answered back, or called out on it. She must get a bit of a thrill from delivering put downs or she wouldn't have done it. She will keep doing it.

She's letting you know that she considers you lowest in the pecking order ( probably because she's very insecure and jealous herself) - I don't think you should let that stand. I know this is very hard to do when people around you are trying to shush you but I think you have to do the equation. What have you got to lose by calmly and politely speaking up?

I agree with above pp that your DH's comments were hardly supportive and he's not going to say much to MIL, he will accept her "apology" and tell you to carry on. And you should absolutely talk to him about it again!. He needs to have your back.

I actually think you need to say something yourself - maybe take her to one side and say quite firmly
"I didn't appreciate the comments you made the other evening. They were hurtful and undermining and frankly you only let yourself down by saying them. DO NOT ever speak to me like that again."
I think its worth a try. I wouldn't wait for the apology or excuse... and if she starts saying mean things again ( because few people cross her) just walk off. sorry if that all sounds dramatic...I think what you say should be factual and civil but very clear. There's nothing in that to cause offence and lets face it, she's not worried about offending you is she? She would then know that there would be pushback if she tried this again. She's a bully pure and simple.

You are still in the early stages of your marriage and motherhood, if she carries on like this she will drive a wedge between you and DH and you and SIL... What the hell for? It's ridiculous and so is she... Nip this in the bud if you can. It will save a lot of heartache in the future.

Edited to add... I also liked @LAMPS1 's suggestion.

I’d be upset too. Not even taken into account you had a baby 3 months ago. I have an almost 3 year old and a 4 month old and I know I’m feeling very insecure in myself now when it comes to appearance and v aware I don’t look my best so if someone commented on this I know I’d be really upset. Playing to something you suspect someone might feel insecure about in any way is so nasty. I’d expect my husband to make sure his mum knew I left her party upset as a direct result of her words

YANBU, but some people (my MIL included! This sounds like something she would do too!) are just twats when they’ve had a drink and seem to thrive on being toxic and trying to be hurtful / start drama after a few too many.

She probably said some unkind things to others too and meant nothing by it, other than wanting to be a bit nasty to whoever was around her and feeling a bit argumentative.

No excuse, and if she brings it up I’d probably go down the easy breezy “Don’t worry, but I can see why you don’t drink very much! Haha!” response and not give her any power / make her feel stupid.

I hope she had a horrible hangover!