AIBU to be hurt by my drunk MIL's comments?

[Sophsholli]

I’ll start with some context, DH and I have been married for 3 years, I generally get on well with his family and this is the first time we have had any issues. We have a 2 year old and a 3 month old.

Anyway, last night was MILs 60th birthday party, I think I was one of very few who didn’t drink and certainly the only one in the immediate family who didn’t. Part way through the evening I would say MIL was fairly drunk, she doesn’t drink much so I haven’t seen her like this. We were chatting and out of nowhere she said some things that really hurt me.
First of all MIL took early retirement and decided to go back to university and get a masters degree, I think good for her! But she made a comment along the lines of “ah you’ll be the only person in the family without a masters soon”. I laughed it off, as well she is technically correct, DH, his dad, his brother, his brothers girlfriend and soon to be MIL all have masters. I wouldn’t have cared if the conversation ended with that. She then asked me if I felt “insecure”, I said no why would I? And she said well you know our family is quite academic and you are not, again I laughed it off and say no it doesn’t bother me and I don’t think degrees are all that important if you have a different path to a good and fulfilling career planned. She continued wittering, insulted the university I did go to, and implied I wasn’t as “bright” as the rest of the family.
I tried to divert the conversation away, but she went on to complimenting BILs girlfriend, her intellect, her beauty etc. She then said at the end “ah you must be a bit jealous of her, with her being so lovely and smart and stunning”. I simply didn’t reply to this and tried to move away to socialise with others.

However this morning this has left me very hurt. On the education front, I grew up in a very working class family and was the first to attend university at all. To me that is a massive achievement, irrespective of how highly sought after the university is. On the other hand DH and his brother were both privately educated, BILs girlfriend went to an international school abroad and comes from a family of professionals and academics.
Second of all, and perhaps more painfully, I feel her last comment was implying that I am not as “stunning” or “lovely” as BILs girlfriend. I’m not blind to the fact that she is objectively a very attractive woman, and she is rather lovely and clearly intelligent. However I’ve never felt insecure around her as a result. I won’t pretend I’m some sort of model but I wouldn’t say I’m unattractive so it felt like an unnecessary comment.

I told DH this morning and he asked if I wanted him to talk to her about this. I said I’d like him to mention it as it’s not comments I want to receive again in the future. He said he would but he felt I shouldn’t take it to heart and she only compliments BILs girlfriend so much because she is foreign and his mother views her as “exotic” (she’s French-Italian). He seemed shocked that I am hurt, and thinks I should brush it off as MIL being too drunk and loose with her words and not allow it to sour our relationship with her, but to me it was her been unfiltered and honest and she clearly views me as slightly unattractive and not very intelligent.

AIBU to be hurt?

It sounds like she was projecting! Why else get a masters at that age, unless you’re trying to prove something….to yourself or others. I get some people go into education later for more reasons than that, but I’d suggest her reasoning is out of some weird need to compete with her own family!

In regard to other comments about aesthetics, I imagine she means what she says, but again, is this some sort of projection. Whatever it is it’s just a bit weird. She probably thinks this way, but most of our not so pleasant thoughts, we keep to ourselves, especially where they could cause upset. Very bad form from your M.I.L and I’d say also your husband. A bit more understanding would have been more supportive of your valid hurt.

You sound like a grounded and resilient individual, so don’t let those horrid words take hold, it was a drunken rambling, but said so much more about her as a person than you.

Your MIL is an absolute cow. But at least you know now what a horrible person she is and can be wary of her. Personally I would go out of my way to minimize how much she was in my life. She has a horrible attitude and I wouldn’t want her around d me or my family.

Really nasty comments. I think I would struggle to move on from that tbh. Horrible to compare her DILs like that and to make comments that were clearly intended to be nasty and belittling.

i think I would have said something along the lines of ‘I dunno maybe I’ll just wait until I’m 60 and bored like you did and then I might go get one’

I would have fired into her there and then but that is just me and the better way would be to wait until you are all together and when she either asks you to do something or asks your opinion looked shocked and ask are you talking to me the "awful, thick and ugly one" embarrass the hell out of her.

Yanbu OP. Being drunk is not excuse. Anyone who has ever been drunk knows that alcohol loosens the tongue and lowers the inhibitions enough to say things that were already in your mind. You and DH should speak to her together- that way she’ll appreciate both how hurtful she was being and that DH is supportive of you. Stupid woman.

Personally if it’s upset you it should’ve you who mentions it to her not hubby. Now whether that’s a serious chat of a light hearted chat. Me I would be light hearted about it. But she said those things to you, it’s your feelings that are hurt then it should’ve be you who addresses it. Xx

I would wait for the next big family meal with them all. Keep the sweetest smile at all times & laughingly drop in what she'd said to you in front of everyone at the table. The key is to keep it jokey & light & not accusatory. That way you are sharing her shameful words with her family & then let them take issue with her should they wish. She may act forgetful & you can say eg 'Oh it was so funny, you said I was not as pretty & clever as BiL partner.'

What an awful way for her to go on, drunk or not. Your DH absolutely needs to talk to her about it. Hopefully she will be mortified and apologise.

Call her a lush and ask if she’s intimated that you can hold your drink.

Sounds like your DH knows she’s a tit. Try and ignore but also don’t be around her. Your DH can’t expect to play happy families if she acts like that.

Also….tell her to stick her Masters up her….

Why on MN do so many posters say "And what did your DH say"? / "You have a DH problem"? / "You need to get your DH to have a word"

Op is an adult with a degree and 2 children.
Quite capable of saying "Bloody Hell Jessie you were off your face last night , can you remember what you said to me "?

Then her answer will either be huge embarrassment and "I'm an idiot when I'm pissed" or "Yeah it just needed the liquor to loosen my tongue "
She'll apologise or she won't

I think you sit down with dh again and say you really dismissed me the other night. Can I say really clearly I am not overreacting. I’ve obviously shared this with a couple of friends since you weren’t supportive and they are unanimously what a bitch, you can check with your friends if their mums get to call their wives stupid unattractive and generally inadequate at parties, especially at a time when my days are fully spent caring for our new baby. You won’t do that without massively minimising because you know it’s an awful way to behave and you’d be ashamed. I’m your wife, and I spend all day caring for our babies and if you dont have my back with your family then I don’t have any spare energy for them when that’s the kind of thing said to me.

that said I don’t know what id say next. Is it best for your dh to mention it or not? I think on balance he should but I’m not sure.

I have a family member similar to this (only she regularly makes similar comments when perfectly sober). She is the only member of my immediate family to have gone to university, and also went on to achieve a masters. She also goes to the gym a lot and has been really in to pilates. She is married and has a good job. We earn a similar sort of salary, I have been with my partner for 10 years. She regularly (well usually) 'performs' when we are together, with or without other family members, in a way you would expect a child to show off. Its always to try and let me know that she feels that she is more successful than me and has even told me she thinks im jealous because she has a degree and is married. The way I see it, she has a set list of things that society and social media (she's very much the sort to think if it isn't posted to Instagram, there's no value in doing things) have told her is the path to a happy and fulfilled life. But I think she's insecure, needs external validation to bolster her ego - but I dont think she feels as happy and fulfilled as she feels she should be.

She can see that I, as a person haven't checked those boxes, but am obviously happy and successful in my own career. From my sofa psychologist mindset, she sees my contentment and doesn't feel I am deserving of it, and is frustrated that she feels lacking somewhere - so she likes to try and pull me down, to try and pick herself up. It doesn't work because I see it for what it is, and when she carries on, I generally smile and nod along, and have a bit of a giggle about it afterwards - but I do also feel sad for her, because despite her achievements (of which ive always been so proud of her) she is obviously insecure and i dont think she needs to be.

Your MIL seems a bit like that and its a pity for her. Whilst you shouldn't let her comments go unchecked, please do try not to be too hurt, as her comments are so much more about her than they are you.

That aside, they are both obviously dickheads regardless and show a lack of emotional maturity, as they allow their insecurities to effect their behaviour towards other people. They need therapy, not masters degrees.

This! Plus she hasn’t actually GOT a masters yet.

I have been with my partner for over 30 years and my MIL has been rude and, quite frankly, downright nasty over the years. She comments on my weight, my choice, at the time, to breastfeed (neglecting to look after her son and the other children) she has no manners and said the most hurtful things. My partner has always been a peacekeeper and never challenged her behaviour and it has been the one bone of contention in an otherwise great relationship. I would suggest that it needs addressed and challenged as it is unacceptable behaviour. It’s really not okay to say whatever you think, sober or not. That’s no excuse. Being put down by family , especially in front often others is crushing. At the ripe age of 52 I am learning to stand up for myself now but it’s taken that long. Raising children is a tough job! Set your own boundaries and make it quite clear. Please. For your future self 💐

As some PP have suggested, I think your MIL is probably massively insecure. On paper, I also come from an “academic” family/social circle (including several working in academia), but they would cringe at the mere thought of describing themselves as “academic” or flaunting their qualifications, let alone putting someone else down for their education.

My DH was the first in his family to go to uni and didn’t go to a particularly “prestigious” institution, but literally no one in my family cares, never mind comments on it or thinks their education somehow makes them superior. They know that different people take different paths, and that there are many types of intelligence and competency (and that they are lacking in many areas where my husband shines).

The only people I know who shove “being academic” in others’ faces are the ones who feel they haven’t achieved as much as they wanted to. One of my aunts and a friend’s mum come to mind. They are both qualified and competent in their respective professions, but for various, perfectly valid reasons didn’t end up in academia and/or the top of their field. Yet they are the ones who constantly bang on about how they are “educated” and “intellectuals” and care the most about what other people have (or haven’t) “achieved.”

I’m really sorry you had to hear that OP - it absolutely sucks - but there is zero doubt in my mind that this is a reflection of your MIL’s own insecurities rather than anything to do with you.

I’d remind her that the world is full of educated fools. It sounds like she’s one of them .

Drunk or not, those comments were unkind and unnecessary. Her being drunk explains the lack of filter, but not the content. People don’t suddenly invent opinions they don’t hold after a glass of wine. You handled it with far more grace than she did.

A master’s degree doesn’t make someone inherently more intelligent or more valuable, and it certainly doesn’t give them licence to belittle others.

You have built your life on your own terms, your degree was the first in your family which is a major achievement and you are concentrating on being a Wife and Mother but should you so wish, just as she has, you may or may not go onto do a Masters once you have finished your childrearing, just as she has in her 60's. Perhaps she is projecting how she had felt prior to embarking on her Masters and if that is the case, you can reassure her that you have plenty of time to address it, as she had, if you feel the need.

It’s reasonable to ask your DH to have a quiet word and reasonable to expect hi to do it. Not to start drama, but to set a boundary so you’re not put in that position again

Did you have any doubts about your own self-worth before this drunken conversation?? it’s her 60th birthday let her run her mouth off a bit. But if it continued, that’s another matter.

You can’t just be a rude obnoxious dickhead because it’s your birthday?!

This.

What horrible things she said and you have every right to be upset even though she was drunk. It's no excuse.
Nows you chance to show her how behaviour trumps education and beauty.
Tell her, calmly, how you felt yourself. And then be kind and let it go. Carry on as normal. She will be forever grateful I would imagine.
It will be a good outcome for you too. You don't want this hanging over you.

Peculiar woman. I would ignore it. If she starts up again I would just say ‘not this again’. And bear in mind she might target something else, eg. Your parenting.
She clearly wants to needle you. So often I have found the best way to bat back is to not be needled. It confuses. Don’t let anything she says bother you. She is to be pitied if anything.

“Granny duties”???? 😱

I think she is jealous of you and this is her way to try to turn the tables but it is rather narcissitic of her to try this tactic. Perhaps she wants to spend more time alone with your husband or have more time alone with the kids.
She has managed to rattle you a bit and now that youve mentioned it to your husband she may be looking for feedback in order to escalate her drama.
She isnt married to your husband and is somewhat obsolete in his life. Maybe this would account for her jealousy.
If she will talk like that to you then she will say the same or similar about your brother in laws wife.
Dont be surprised if she comes to you one day to tell you what a bitch her partner's mother is.