If DH dies before me I wouldn’t care if I never saw the extended family again

[Bleachedjeans]

I don’t hate them. I get along with them socially, send them birthday cards etc, I wish them well.
But, if I’m honest I tolerate them and it’s just a veneer. I’m quite happy if they feel the same about me.
DH and I met 20 years ago and married in our 60s. If he dies before me I wouldn’t maintain a relationship with them. I wouldn’t miss them. I’m not really very interested in them. A bit like leaving a job where you get along with colleagues but you don’t see them after you’ve left.
I realised this recently and I was surprised at myself.
AIBU or is this fairly normal?

I should have said ‘his’ extended family not ‘the’.

I feel the same. I don't spend much time with them due to distance. I get on with them when with then but the relationship is entirely based on them being in-laws and is led by my DH.

I'm the same. DH and I have been together for over 35 years but I would make no real effort to maintain contact with his family if he died and I would expect the reverse to be true. I wish them no ill but I don't consider them to be my family. I expect we would remain friends on facebook and occasionally like each other's posts, and maybe send Christmas cards but I think it's highly unlikely that we'd ever meet in person again. Since my children are all adults now I wouldn't feel under any obligation to facilitate ongoing relationships on their behalf and I don't really have anything else in common with my ILs. There's nothing wrong with them but we're very different people. Had we met in other circumstances we wouldn't have been enemies but I doubt we would have been friends either. Since we don't live particularly close to each other we have to make quite a lot of effort to see each other. Without DH I wouldn't bother and I don't think they would either. I don't think that's particularly unusual to be honest.

Sounds normal to me!

I think that's a normal occurance
I wouldn't consider my inlaws my family, I have my own 5 siblings and my husband has 4 siblings.
By the time I would visit my own siblings I wouldn't have time for his

I agree Op. Known them almost 40 years, and they are pleasant enough people, but I am not close to them at all.

SIL only calls when she wants something, and if I call her and leave a message, she doesn’t bother to return the call. She is the same with DH.

We have very different views on religion, politics and life in general. So I wouldn’t miss her.

i. Would for my children and I would want to keep a relationship with my neice and nephew on his side although I am not as close to them as I am with my neice and nephew on my side.

Yup this is exactly why I don’t call his nieces and nephews my nieces and nephews. They are not.

If he died or we divorced I’d never see them again apart from say our children’s weddings/events I guess.

Well my DH did die. And it's made me closer to my in-laws, who've been a great support to me.

DH and I didn't live very close to any of them (and some are on the other side of the world) so we were fairly independent and not in each others pockets when he was alive. But having them in my corner is a great benefit, and they consider me to be family.

I visited the ones on the other side of the world last year, and it was wonderful. They were so lovely to me, and of course, all these people are my last links to him. They tell me stories from before I met him, which keeps him 'alive', and I think it's important to our (now adult) kids, to have that connection with his immediate and extended family.

I think most people who are divorced know how quickly the connection breaks once you are no longer with someone for whatever reason. Maybe if I had no family of my own and my husband was an only child I would keep more of a connection

Up until about 4 years ago I wouldn’t have thought the same but over the last few years I’ve found his sisters and one of his brothers to be sulky and off hand for no reason and I’ve definitely been made to feel they only tolerate me because I’m married to DH so now I don’t bother with them unless I really have to and despite years of me buying their Xmas presents and reminding DH to visit I feel that was wasted time so no longer do. I wouldn’t bother with them if anything happened to DH, no.

I am so sorry for your loss and pleased for you that find comfort in your DHs family 🌺

I agree OP. If my DW dies before me I will never see her loathsome family again. No question about it.

I like my extended family and I am close to my SIL, her grandchildren and my nephews.
Heck, we are still in touch with ex partners and i enjoy their company!! 😆
If dh died, we would see each other as my sons' socialise with their cousin's, we drink in the same pubs, live in the same village and have loads of mutual friends.

Agree. I definitely wouldn't care to see ILs ever again, any of them, unless they seriously start making a sodding effort.

Many thanks for the replies so far which show that I am normal!
I admit that I may heave a big sigh of relief if I never had to see them again - especially a few of them ( but not at the price of my DH 😢).

I suppose that what I'm trying to say with my earlier post, is that if your relationship with your in-laws is fairly cordial but not particularly close, don't assume that it will suit you to drop them should you be unlucky enough to lose your spouse.

They will be the only people you have in your life who knew and loved your partner from his/her birth. If you have children, your in-law family will be an important ongoing link to their lost parent. And as you are the only person who loved your partner like your in-laws did, they might well want to build on the relationship with you, for similar reasons.

Thats really nice. I suppose it comes down to having the same interests and being on the same wavelength.

I wouldn’t bother to see any of them. They’re all nnice enough and I wish them all well but I’m not interested in them at all.

My DH family aren't keen on me, think because im 18 years younger, we've been together nearly 18 years. His children tolerate me but thats it. My exh (who I have no relationship with) his parents left me substantially well off in their wills, I got on with them and if they were alive im sure I would of sent cards and kept them updated

His parents died after we split

My FIL and MIL were fabulous, and I would have happily stayed in touch/cared for them, but they are both gone now. Otherwise, nope wouldn't bother. I have thought this through rationally as due to health issues DH is very likely to predecease me.

I wouldn’t see my husbands family and I’ve been with my husband for over 40 years. They aren’t my family and I don’t particularly like them. My MIL has always sung my praises and compliments me whenever I see her so we are polite and friendly but it wouldn’t bother me if I never saw any of them again. There are a few that are not nice to my husband.
My husband does his family and I do mine. I like it like that and so does he. It’s not an issue for us at all.

Not sure, I don’t see exh’s family much as moved away but they send Christmas cards. Dh’s family I’m not that close to geographically or due to meeting older but I’m sure at least at first they would rally to support me, whether we stay in touch would be probably down to how old I was by then and other circumstances

I'm naturally quite cold emotionally and not sentimental except towards my own kids, I have no other family.
Some of h's closest family are toxic and we are nc it's so freeing as he hates them.
In laws are dead and I don't have much to do with his grown up kids or gc, it has always been distant on both sides. Nice to see them but I'm not interested in contact although h does obviously. H knows that if he dies first the contact will end.
It doesn't bother me in the least.