If DH dies before me I wouldn’t care if I never saw the extended family again

[Bleachedjeans]

I don’t hate them. I get along with them socially, send them birthday cards etc, I wish them well.
But, if I’m honest I tolerate them and it’s just a veneer. I’m quite happy if they feel the same about me.
DH and I met 20 years ago and married in our 60s. If he dies before me I wouldn’t maintain a relationship with them. I wouldn’t miss them. I’m not really very interested in them. A bit like leaving a job where you get along with colleagues but you don’t see them after you’ve left.
I realised this recently and I was surprised at myself.
AIBU or is this fairly normal?

Mid eighties and thinking about this.

Bit depressing!

I would with my step-daughter and step-grandchildren, but I wouldn't be bothered about keeping in contact with my SIL and BIL. DH isn't that close to them anyway - it's not that he dislikes them (and neither do I), just that we don't really see them now, so I wouldn't be bothered about making an effort to see them if he died. However I am very fond of my stepdaughter and the grandchildren. My stepdaughter has her own mother but they don't get on and, although I don't see her often, we do keep in touch frequently and I think she needs to know that somebody cares about her.

It depends how involved you are with them. If you rarely see them then it’s understandable that you would not miss them.
You’re not close to them and that’s fine.

This

No dc, I don’t this ever talk to my DH’s family again, purely because we aren’t physically or emotionally close. His parents are both dead. If the situation were reversed, he definitely wouldn’t keep in touch with mine.

DH’s parents never spoke to me again after DH’s funeral. I am still in touch with his brother and sister in law though

The fact you have no children together abd no in-laws is a massive thing here. It means you can choose never to see them again. Most of us who have kids with our DH are not in your situation so it’s a fairly pointless post, IMHO.

are your financials all sorted that there would be no inheritance issues?

Following on from my previous post... I believe my DH would keep in touch with my family. I am close to my sisters and their families and they are fond of him. He really is like a father to my adult children and my grandchildren. My extended family have a history of keeping people in the family (if they want to be there obviously), in fact I attended a funeral a month or so ago which was also attended by at least 2 widows of deceased family members. We are a close and welcoming family, even if some of us rarely see each other.

My husband’s family make no effort to keep in touch with him while he’s alive. They do get on, on the rare occasions he sees them. I wouldn’t see hind nor hair of them if he popped his clogs 🤷‍♀️

Not normal to me but I'm not English. I think if you are this is probably totally normal.

A huge bonus of being widowed was not having to be in the same room as my ex inlaws ever again.

That was lovely of them.

I wouldn’t keep in touch with my husbands family, and have been lucky enough until a recent death in their family that I haven’t seen them for many years.

Meeting them again, reminded me of why I don’t like them at all.

Not helped perhaps by the fact that every time I have seen them, it’s been some type of “occasion/ celebration” when they are drunk.

Im mostly not hugely close to dh's family but I do.considet them part of my extended family so I absolutely would still have contact, especially while dc still living with me. But I think it would inevitably be less. They very much would be very extended family - Christmas cards and big events - only. Amd there's a few branches i would abandon in a heartbeat
... but we have very little contact with them anyway!

I thought I would be the same. I loved his mother and younger brother but they both died before he did. However his sister was so amazing around the time of his death that I ended up becoming friends with her and we meet up a couple of times a year. I'd barely spoken to her before but it's nice having that link to him still.

You may feel the same as you do now when it finally happens, but maybe not.

I was with my late husband from about 16 years ago old. I became good friends with his mum and his 5 brothers and sisters . He died 19 years ago after 35 years of marriage and I am still close to all his family . His 2 sisters and one of his sisters in law are my best friends , in fact I’m closer to them than I am to my 2 brothers . My adult DD is close to them too .

I feel the same. We married later in life, no children together, he has no children. My in-laws are fine but we wouldn't be friends and they've always kept me at arms length. I've always felt they don't think I'm good enough for him or them. My own children don't know them as they've never been included in family stuff. So I would walk away without a backward glance if I lost him.

Yes definitely. If my partner dies id never speak to any of them again. I'm polite but that's kt

This also. I doubt they'd even realize he'd died until they planned a family party That included his adult kids

Also me, I'd miss them and consider them family still

Surely that depends on how old your children are? Yes, if DH had died when our DC were little I expect I would have felt obligated to keep in touch with his family for their benefit. But now they're old enough to maintain contact themselves I wouldn't. They can decide for themselves. I don't think it's my job to facilitate those relationships now and I certainly wouldn't if DH wasn't here.

Mine are nice enough but I wouldn’t choose to mix with them socially. I would keep in contact with them to facilitate relationships with our children, though. They don’t feel like family to me, but they are to the children.

I still miss my ex-MIL, though. And I miss my son’s ex-girlfriend. I would choose to mix with them even if they hadn’t met me through family relations.

I have been w DH for 30 years, and I often think that once his mum dies, I will never have any contact with any of his family. His brother and sister are fine, but not my family, and he won’t make the effort either, I’m sure.

I think it depends a lot on the age of my children... If they were (heaven forbid) still children, then I'd keep it going for their sake. Adults? I'm not so sure.

Of my DHs 3 siblings, I don't think I'd be that bothered if I never saw them again. The same would be true of my sisters DH. I've never liked the man. I've tolerated him for 20 years for my sisters sake. It would pretty much be true in all cases, of "funeral done, have a nice life."

That being said, my own dad died 8 years ago, and my mum still keeps in regular contact with his older brother. In fact, we met up with them less than a month ago. But they'd been married 40 years, and my mum had known dad's brother since she was in her teens.

Yep, tempting to have a private funeral, and as you say, it might be months before they all realised he was no longer with us 🙄