If DH dies before me I wouldn’t care if I never saw the extended family again

[Bleachedjeans]

I don’t hate them. I get along with them socially, send them birthday cards etc, I wish them well.
But, if I’m honest I tolerate them and it’s just a veneer. I’m quite happy if they feel the same about me.
DH and I met 20 years ago and married in our 60s. If he dies before me I wouldn’t maintain a relationship with them. I wouldn’t miss them. I’m not really very interested in them. A bit like leaving a job where you get along with colleagues but you don’t see them after you’ve left.
I realised this recently and I was surprised at myself.
AIBU or is this fairly normal?

Honestly, if anything happened to one of my daughters, I'd be really sad if their DH exited my life. I'm fond of both of the sons in law. And I know that the remaining daughter and partner would be distraught to no longer be in their nieces' lives.
(I can't even contemplate the thought of not being as involved with my DGCs as I am now)

I thought I had a good relationship with my SIL, even though her brother, my husband, was an arse (and everyone in the family knew he was). He died two years ago and she's barely kept in touch, which is quite hurtful. I send greetings cards for special occasions but other than that I'm not bothering any more.

Tableforjoan
Yup this is exactly why I don’t call his nieces and nephews my nieces and nephews. They are not.
My ‘aunt’ (putting it in inverted commas solely for her!) used to introduce us as her husband’s niece and nephew and I found it really horrible- like she was distancing herself from us. I’d personally file it under things you think but there’s no need to say

Yes I don’t say it infront of them and people introduce me as Aunty Joan.

But with my friends and family if I talk about them it they are dh’s nephews did such and such.

I feel exactly the same about my DH’s family, although there are a few outliers I actively like - a couple of his cousins and our niece/nephew.

I’m in a weirder but similar situation. I want my DM to live as long as possible but I’ll have nothing to do with my eldest sister when she’s gone and I feel very firmly about that. Extended family fine.

Growing up, family was family, not about blood. My mum was really close to one SIL and her nephews. And there was little distinction in the wider family, if you married in, you were family.
It was a bit of a shock coming across DH's family. One of the first things MIL said to me, in my 20s, was 'I said, stay in touch to the previous girlfriend, but I didn't mean it' this was repeated to me at various other siblings break ups. So MIL cleat had that as a model in her head.
The divorce of BIL shock that because non-blood SIL as resident parent had control of the grand children.
I think the bonds have got even looser over the years. I've lost a lot of respect for my PIL over the years for the way they parented DH, they play favourites with grand children and they've not aged gracefully.
I won't be staying in touch, I think it's a shame I got this family, I would have suited an all in it together, forever attitude.

So you’re in your mid 80s?!

Yes I feel exactly the same. We met later in life and no shared children, although I think I’d have to move somewhere less desirable as they seem to treat us as a ‘nice for a break’ destination as it’s a tourist city.

they are not horrible to me but MIL is probably BPD so everything is drama and all about her regardless of who she’s telling you about. I can cope with her in very small doses - 2 days maximum. She often exhibits Bizarre behaviour. I thought Narc for years but she fits BPD( now called EUPD which is a better descriptor).

im always amazed at how unfuckedup partner is considering. I means yes definitely classic issues that stem from this type of parenting but he’s come a long way in 25 years (as have I with my own parentally originated fuckedupness - it’s a journey kids!).

My son is in therapy to deal with the residual effects of it all. Im optimistic that should he choose to procreate he will do a better job than the previous generations.

I’ve been with my husband for 41 yrs and if anything happened to him I definitely wouldn’t keep in touch with my in-laws family , I have as little to do with them as possible now as do our adult children . If I were to die my husband would definitely stay in touch with my family .

Same

And my husband would run 100mph from my family and never look back if I died first 🤣

My late husband's aunt introduces me to people as her niece.
His cousins (from a different aunt, and on the other side of the world) call me their cousin.

That means a lot to me. When I mentioned to one of the cousins, that I was really touched that he called me his cousin, he was really bewildered. "But you are... you're family"

I'm clearly lucky compared to most of this thread.

I feel like that about my siblings.

Once our parents die, I wont have to deal with them anymore.

I have nothing to do with any of my exdp family.

I'm divorced and there are some of XH's family it's been a relief to lose contact with. There are others I felt closer to than some of my own equivalent family, and I genuinely miss them but have accepted that they're no longer a part of my life.

XH and I were together around 20 years and I'd known his family since I was 18/19.

So I think it probably depends a lot on the quality of the extended family!!

I might of felt different if the children where nice but frankly they are feral and neither parent parents then although the dad is slightly stricter but often over ruled by mum.

I often end up forgetting that the oldest is merely month younger than my youngest as they act like a reception child.

Mine can drop dead for all I care. I’m divorced, he’s abusive, they don’t believe us. They can rot in hell

Well, you are actually younger than me 🤣

😂

But not as much as you thought?!

But yes, if I met someone now, I doubt I'd ever feel as connected to their family, as I do to the in-laws that I've known since I was 22, and for more than three decades before he died.

My ex and I have maintained a friendship. I see her family regularly, and get along very well with them 🙂

I'm always impressed when (ex) couples manage that. One of my friends is still best friends with her ex DH and his now wife. She even acted as their wedding planner when they got married!

I’d definitely stay in touch with DH’s family. They are great. But I think I’m part of a large minority. Not being that fussed seems more common.

I think, given the age of both you and your husband when you met and married, it wouldn’t be strange either way, whether you wanted to keep in contact with his family or not. I absolutely would if my husband were, god forbid, to die but we’re in our early thirties and have two very young children who adore their grandparents, uncles, aunties, cousins etc etc. Plus I do have a good relationship with some of his family,so I would be sad not to see them. But all families and all relationships are different. There’s no right or wrong imo.

I used to be really close with my in-laws.. I used to do lots for them, cooking, baking, shopping, gardening, putting a lot of thought into gifts and if I saw anything they’d like at the supermarket I’d get it for them etc., for 25yrs. Then husband left me and they didn’t even do so much as send a text, nothing. They didn’t even send me a Christmas card when I had sent one to them. I texted my MIL after a couple of months, she replied once but it was very bland. I know that he’s their son and loyalties lie with him, I’d never ask otherwise and I didn’t ask for an ongoing relationship, but after 25yrs, nothing?!

His sister and I were close too, I got nothing from her, she didn’t even reply to my texts. DH had a new girlfriend and SIL gushed over her (she wasn’t there in person as my DC had refused to meet her, that’s up to them, they’re in their twenties), telling my DS how great SIL thought she was and bought her a gift welcoming her to the family. My DS was furious, I’ve never seen him so angry, she can go fuck herself for all I care.

Long story, but Husband and I are back together after 3 years, PILs cuddled me and told me they really missed me etc. but there’s now a wall they’ll never breach again.

Sorry, I’ve made it all about me. I never get to say these thing in real life, lol, it’s a release. So, I don’t blame you, you’re not wishing them harm or extending any ill will, you’re just not wanting to see them and that’s fine.

I didn't even meet DH's family until I'd been with him 14 years. So no, I wouldn't keep in touch (I don't even have their phone numbers, and only know where they live as their addresses are saved in my Moonpig account.)

Same. I’d move back to where I’m originally from, and would hardly see any of them ever again.