If DH dies before me I wouldn’t care if I never saw the extended family again

[Bleachedjeans]

I don’t hate them. I get along with them socially, send them birthday cards etc, I wish them well.
But, if I’m honest I tolerate them and it’s just a veneer. I’m quite happy if they feel the same about me.
DH and I met 20 years ago and married in our 60s. If he dies before me I wouldn’t maintain a relationship with them. I wouldn’t miss them. I’m not really very interested in them. A bit like leaving a job where you get along with colleagues but you don’t see them after you’ve left.
I realised this recently and I was surprised at myself.
AIBU or is this fairly normal?

I have no siblings, and DH’s siblings live in another part of the UK. We used to visit regularly, or organise the odd holiday where some of us would get together. We are the oldest in the family. I’m quite close to his brother’s wife, we get on very well. His sisters too, although they are naturally closer to each other.

I liked my ma in law, and I love DDIL. She is the mother of some of my lovely DGC. This probably makes me strange on MN, but my family is not just about blood relatives.

Me neither. I don't actively dislike most of them, but I chose DH, not them.

I am actually not sure how much contact I will have with my siblings after both our parents are gone either. We have so little in common.

My DH's family are awesome

If he died, I'd be v keen to stay in touch

If anything, I expect I'd see them a bit more often as my DH doesn't make much effort

I am actually not sure how much contact I will have with my siblings after both our parents are gone either.
I think families naturally drift apart with time, especially once there is no longer a "family home" to meet at. I love my siblings and when we do see each other we get on very well, but we all live in different parts of the country and used to congregate at Mum and Dad's house. But since our parents died we rarely see each other and certainly not all together. Nothing bad has happened and nobody has fallen out with anyone, but the loss of that common "home" plus changes in our own lives mean that siblings have slipped down the priority list. We all have children and grandchildren now so our siblings who were once our nuclear family are now very much extended family, and cousins etc have dropped off the radar almost entirely. I guess when the norm was that families all stayed in one place for most of their lives and siblings remained physically very close to each other it was more likely that family bonds stayed strong. But that's much less common now. I have family members scattered all over the country and don't see most of them regularly. I have not even met all my nephews' and nieces' children. It's not that we dislike each other, but life changes.

I would definitely want to stay in touch with my in-laws and would do everything I could to keep their relationships with my kids going for all the reasons saraclara has written about.
I’d want to talk about him with people who loved him.
I’d hope they’d want to stay in touch!

A bit of a mix for me - DH’s step family, absolutely, would wish to have little to do with them, bunch of witches ! My sister in law (married to DH’s brother) is one of my best friends so we’d definitely stay in touch

My in-laws aren’t people I would choose for friends if I wasn’t married to their son/brother. But if he died, would I cut contact with the handful of people who’d feel as much grief as I would? With my children’s grandparents and uncle and cousins? Erm…no.

I can quite honestly say if I wasn’t with my DH for whatever reason I’d not see that side of the family, not because they’re horrible but I don’t tend to see them now despite having fairly young children so I’d doubt they’d put extra effort in to see them if DH wasn’t around.
I don’t/wouldn’t miss them as they don’t feature in our lives much at all. DH speaks to his Mum daily on the phone but I think I probably see her twice a year despite only living 20 mins drive away.

@Bleachedjeans am i understanding you correctly that you met and married in your 60s? So no shared children? That might make a difference.

My PIL and SIL are the only people around who’ve known my lovely DH since he was a baby - they know him even better than I do. His parents are grandparents to my children. SIL is their aunt, my nephew is their only cousin. Even if I personally don’t have that much in common with them, they are part of my children’s close family and for that reason alone I would keep in touch. And DH would be so betrayed and upset to think I’d just bin off his family because he isn’t around (I know he wouldn’t know but YKWIM).

.. if he died, would I cut contact with the handful of people who’d feel as much grief as I would? With my children’s grandparents and uncle and cousins? Erm…no.

Exactly @Midnights68

After anything happens to DM I doubt I'll see any of my own extended family again so YANBU.

They treated me like family as a young child but stopped bothering as soon as I was old enough to be left at home by DM (I was the child of an affair).

If dc were younger I’d probably see them as they are their aunts/uncles, grandparents, cousins. But once dc were adults probably not other than weddings and funerals!

I guess you two are a lot younger than me.

I'm 70!

😅

ETA that I was 56 when he died

Normal, i don’t even speak to dhs family to be fair neither does he.

Up until a year ago, I would have said that I would keep in touch with his family but after he had a serious health issue last year, his sister and his daughter treated me like absolute shit and totally disrespected my role as his wife, which truly shocked me as I didn't expect it due to our relationship up until then, so while he's still around I'll just about tolerate them but if he does go before me I will have nothing to do with them.

His mum died 2 years ago and she's the only one I had any time for.

I would say most people are the same. I get along with DH's family alright but don't imagine i'd keep in touch with them if DH wasn't here.

My MIL is on her own after FIL died a couple of years ago and her old friend has dementia. If DH dies before her I'd feel very conflicted- I would be happy not to see her again but I would also feel very guilty as she is lonely. I really hope it doesn't happen.

DH died twenty years ago, and I am still very much in touch with his side of the family. I don't have much in common with my MiL, and now that my DC are adults I rarely see her (she lives the other end of the country) but we maintain a cordial relationship by phone and email. I am much more regularly in touch with my sisters in law and even some of DH's cousins (much more than with my own cousins). I suppose it is a question of whether you like them to start with.

I think I would probably stay in touch with some of my current DP's family if he died, but there wouldn't be the tie of them being related to my DC.

You’re right. No shared children. Yes it does make a difference. My DH is late 70s now. If he were in his 30s it would be completely different. We have no in-laws and our 4 adult children are between 47 and 57 🙂.
In my post I said I wouldn't ‘maintain a relationship’ but I wouldn’t shut the door in anyone’s face.
I can’t imagine suddenly stopping sending his 2 grandchildren cards and gifts either.
I think I would be relieved not to have to keep up with all the other social stuff.
In the end, though, we don’t know what we’ll do until it happens. 🌺

I’d never be able to shake my sister in law. When she’s had a few she always tells me she would keep me in the event of divorce from her DB

I loved my MIL, so it's a bit different. But I tried to do for her, what her son would have done. Unfortunately she lived 2.5 - 3 hours away, but when she went into a care home I'd drive up there every three or four weeks. Fortunately my SIL was very attentive before it got to the care home stage, but I supported her where I could. I also took over his role as computer/digital advisor to his very elderly (but sharp as a button) aunt!

So yep. His family is important to me, because he was. If they weren't decent people, I might feel differently, but in his absence, they're a positive in my life.

That's completely normal to me. I know some people have real, lasting friendships with their in-laws and while I think that is lovely, I do not think it is all that common.

If dh and I split up, or, God forbid, he died, I would not stay in touch with my in-laws except to let them see my dcs as they are still young children.

Oh goodness me, no, I can't imagine I'd really want to spend any time with them if I could avoid it. There's a long history there and they don't like me. I don't like them either because of the way they have treated us in the past (we are very good at managing this now, so I tolerate them in small doses)

Dh would be the total opposite with my family though. They love him like he's their own. And I'm very close to the spouse of my sibling who died a little while ago too.

That's alright, OP.
I'm not going to see them, either.