AIBU to feel upset my partner used an AI version of me?

[CanOnlyBeMyself]

I’ve NC for this.

Yesterday my partner, who designs my business cards etc., decided (unprompted) to add an image of me to my leaflet. This isn’t something I’d want or do but I suppose it would be a compliment if he’d seen a nice photo of me and thought it’d enhance the overall look. Except it isn’t me: it’s a fantasy version done using AI. Younger, more beautiful, happier, ‘‘better’ figure. He’s spent time on this as my clothing is pretty much spot-on, including my logo on ‘her’ t-shirt. She even has my freckles, and hair colour before I had to ‘enhance’ it.

It’s left me feeling like crap. I’m approaching my mid-fifties, have a fair deal of family and financial worries and as a result have been working extra hard in an attempt to sort things out. I’m exhausted and although I try to take care of my appearance I don’t always have the time or resources to dye my hair, do my nails etc. I didn’t think it was that much of an issue (bearing in mind he’s not getting any younger either). Am I wrong to be upset by this?

YABU: He probably sees you like this and didn’t realise you’d be offended (because he doesn’t understand how ageing affects women). It was thoughtless but not the end of the world.

YANBU: He’s a self-absorbed sexiest pig and you’d be best off freeing him up so he can find his fantasy woman/girl.

I think you have to talk with him face to face about it, and don't let him bow out of what might be an uncomfortable conversation by saying you're overreacting. I would NOT start with your personal feelings (that this is your partner and you feel he doesn't find you attractive as is, or perhaps mildly photoshopped to present a more commercial/professional veneer). That gives him the opening to act shocked and hurt himself, how could you think this, you're oversensitive, etc. etc. Instead start with why he put a picture of you on your business card and why he used an AI picture which if it resembles you at all is 30 years out of date.

If this were someone you hired to do your business cards, it would be a strange and risky choice assuming you're trying to attract new clients and keep old but not necessarily 100% loyal ones. Many traditionalists will think a pic on a business card is unprofessional, many younger and socially/environmentally aware people will boycott you for using AI, and people who meet you or interact with you visually or see real pics of you online will think you're misrepresenting yourself. I think a discussion on the "whys" of the commercial choice will reveal what he's thinking on a personal level too, if you can get him to engage. You're definitely not overreacting!

I think it's possible for your husband to understand the prejudices that exist in the world (that certain, more youthful, looks sell more) without endorsing those prejudices. Promotional material isn't the time for self expression, its time to sell. If noone has ever told you that the world in agist, well my condolences that you had to find out this way, but I dont think your partner is endorsing those views.

I occasionally go on my first thoughts. In this instance I would have loved to see my enhanced image of myself. I'm sorry I dont see why you have this attitude unless you are insecure about your real life appearance.

The OP had already said she was insecure. 🙄 Her DH has not helped by making her image 20 years younger, and more appealing to the eye (for him) instead of using a photo of her now. WTF was he thinking? How inconsiderate and insulting.

I would have been fucked off too @CanOnlyBeMyself YANBU. You need to tell him how you feel. Some men are a bit thick when it comes to shit like this. Not LTB territory, but he needs telling.

Was this a photorealistic image or one that was a stylised, avatar-like image? I used to have a bitmoji-style avatar pic on my facebook account that while it had some of the same features as me obviously didn't have my laugh lines and wobbly neck. I see that as a different kettle of fish to an AI-generated photorealistic image that would be more like a beautifier filter on Instagram.

I think you could be over thinking it - anything to promote your business has to look good, it was probably a business decision deigned to generate more engagement, rather than a slight on how you look. You should talk to him to let him know how it made you feel and he might be able to explain.

Tell your partner that the addition of an image to the card is not only hurtful, if wasn't asked for, so in future you will use a more professional company to do this for you.

My DH would get me a 10 or a 12 if he was buying me clothes. I’m a comfie 16 but he sees me as I was I think 😉

I think this is a valid question.

Creating a photo realistic image that's supposed to be you but with 'enhanced' features is incredibly rude.

But making a cartoon or illustration that could never be mistaken for a real person is a very different thing. It's still completely reasonable to not like it, but it's not rude in the same way.

I took a selfie and told it to replace my hair with other styles. Despite me instructing it not to, it also made my looks more symmetrical and changed my cheekbones etc.

Partner thinks he a Hero. But acts lije a cintrol freak

As for AI imaging. Unfortunaely it is literally the shape of things to come

You’re overreacting. It takes 2 secs to make these AI images & he will have fed it real photos of you and it came up with the image he used. He won’t have edited it himself!

Me too.
I think it’s really offensive ! How could he possibly think that you would be pleased to have some strange image of a made up woman on your work leaflets ?
I would feel the same as you OP. It isn’t as though it is a photo filtered to give your face but in wonderful lighting, it’s a picture where aspects of your face have been altered, your eyes, your teeth, your body.
I would be very upset if my DH did this. It’s going far beyond choosing a good photograph of you, or even a good photograph of a much younger you. Instead it’s a strange fantasy woman with aspects of young you, your colouring and freckles, but everything else altered.
I also think his comments about other women ‘she’s let herself go’ etc, are horrible.

I voted yabu and as you’ve asked my reason for it is it appears to me as an innocent mistake and as someone else posted, you may have felt equally as uncomfortable about what you view as a true representation.
You didn’t reply about whether it was an actual photo or more cartoony and you asked why it’s relevant, it is because a cartoon would have less detail and just capture elements so you’d likely have less lines etc and sometimes they can be exaggerated. If it’s a photo, it’s very common for them to be airbrushed for professional publication.
I'm saying this as someone who is very self critical, hates having my pic taken and struggles to take compliments. I’ve put pictures into AI before where I’ve asked for a background to be changed and it always cosmetically enhances me, we’ve had many a laugh about what AI does to pictures.
He may have thought you’d find it light hearted considering you both had a laugh about it recently.
I do think you’re being over sensitive, you’re not telling us much about your partner and therefore he’s not considerate regularly etc.

I think no matter what he did, it would be wrong! Would you really have been happy with an accurate representation given your image concerns?

No, this crap wouldn't work where I stand.
YANBU.

This is my reaction too; I am appalled at how many women(?) on here think that it’s okay for their partners to amend how they look using AI and can’t see that this is misogyny in its worst form.
We are supposed to be teaching girls and women that their “looks” have no bearing on their life choices and yet here are the majority of you saying that actually it is all about how we look. I am in despair for the future of girls and women; those of you voting YABU should be ashamed and are the reason why the current problems that girls and women are experiencing are becoming even worse.
Are you even teaching your sons not to objectify women and girls but to respect them? Are you challenging your husbands’ and partners’ misogynistic behaviour? I can only assume not.

Agree. AI gives you what you're most likely to want. You have no way of knowing that he put in prompts to make you look different.

Thank you so much to everyone who replied. Now I’ve cooled down a bit I can see I took the image more seriously than I should have done and I take on board my reaction was made worse by self-esteem issues (a woman in her mid-fifties feeling a bit crap about her changing body - unheard of!).

To answer a few questions: the image was more cartoon-like than photorealistic; putting my photo on my business cards was never discussed or wanted; my DP is a kind man but doesn’t think things through often and definitely has a ‘thing’ about ageing. Thank you to the astute person who pointed out this could be about his advancing years, rather than mine,

He was very upset by my reaction and insisted it looked just like me until I asked him have a closer look. He’d just made a pic of how he sees me (and, according to him, how everyone else sees me) and that was as far as his male brain took him. He hadn’t realised I’d be unimpressed and said he’d just been thinking about how well my business was going, how proud of me he is, how much he fancies me, and had added the image in an idle few minutes on a break at work when he was looking forward to seeing me at the weekend. All he’d done was put a recent photo of me into ChatGPT and then let it do its ‘magic’. He didn’t think it made me look younger.

So that’s where we are. His reaction was genuine so I believe it was just a misguided bit of fun on his part. He’s agreed to be more considerate, I’ve agreed to work on my self-esteem, and we’ve both decided we need to spend more time doing fun stuff rather than working ourselves into the ground.

Thank you again for all of your replies, the kind ones and the more straight-talking ones. I realise the ‘YANBU’ choices I’d written weren’t great but I’ve never done this before and was too upset to think of more rational ones. Thanks for helping me see things more clearly. As a previously confident and content person I hadn’t appreciated how age can affect self-esteem. Reading about it and experiencing it are entirely different things of course.

Why wouldn't she? Taste?

I have no urge to download Canva and make my own. Why would I?

So that you can disabuse yourself of your false notion that “he’s spent time on this”.

He’s likely given it a photo of you and asked it to give him an avatar suitable for a business card, and the rest is just the software doing what most people want.

I would be upset with this.

slightly different… but I remember months after giving birth so my son I was out with a group friends for lunch. A friend of a friend took our group photo and spent the remaining hour editing it. She turned to me and said “I’ve made your teeth whiter and made you thinner” 14 years later and I still can’t look at this friend in the eye!!! I was (and still am) so upset.

it feels like a indirect insult in my opinion. I can see how it is hurtful xx

As if there were not something in between, such as a nice professional photo of OP.

So that’s where we are. His reaction was genuine so I believe it was just a misguided bit of fun on his part. He’s agreed to be more considerate, I’ve agreed to work on my self-esteem, and we’ve both decided we need to spend more time doing fun stuff rather than working ourselves into the ground.

This sounds like such a brilliant way to restore harmony, OP. Really pleased for you. 🥰

Because caricatures are not supposed to be realistic so by very nature wouldn't look like you anyway?