AIBU to feel upset my partner used an AI version of me?

[CanOnlyBeMyself]

I’ve NC for this.

Yesterday my partner, who designs my business cards etc., decided (unprompted) to add an image of me to my leaflet. This isn’t something I’d want or do but I suppose it would be a compliment if he’d seen a nice photo of me and thought it’d enhance the overall look. Except it isn’t me: it’s a fantasy version done using AI. Younger, more beautiful, happier, ‘‘better’ figure. He’s spent time on this as my clothing is pretty much spot-on, including my logo on ‘her’ t-shirt. She even has my freckles, and hair colour before I had to ‘enhance’ it.

It’s left me feeling like crap. I’m approaching my mid-fifties, have a fair deal of family and financial worries and as a result have been working extra hard in an attempt to sort things out. I’m exhausted and although I try to take care of my appearance I don’t always have the time or resources to dye my hair, do my nails etc. I didn’t think it was that much of an issue (bearing in mind he’s not getting any younger either). Am I wrong to be upset by this?

YABU: He probably sees you like this and didn’t realise you’d be offended (because he doesn’t understand how ageing affects women). It was thoughtless but not the end of the world.

YANBU: He’s a self-absorbed sexiest pig and you’d be best off freeing him up so he can find his fantasy woman/girl.

He shouldn't add an image of you without your consent - full stop. If you wanted an image and agreed an AI image or caricature I couldn't be worked up that it was a bit idealised as long as it wasnt ridiculously sexist. I don't blame you for not being a 100% on top of your hair dye etc IRL but you wouldn't want an image reflecting roots growing out or tatty nails, surely?!

Mine did this for my birthday card. I was unimpressed. He's very into asking AI for advice/facts. On the back was a real picture of me where I look good, happy. I told him AI me was nothing like me. He agreed it had gone a bit wrong. So why do it?! He has previously used people's actual faces but as a character from their favourite film. I would have much preferred this. He even added in AI dogs. Our dogs are gorgeous and do not need 'enhancing'. All very weird.

Maybe an avatar would have been better? I have one from years ago, obviously me, in my favourite riding top.

You obviously are very clear that you didn’t like this or appreciate it so not sure why you have put it to a vote. You’re not really willing to consider people who are posting in ‘support’ of you DH which suggest actually - you know how you feel.

For me personally I wouldn’t care. I’d probably make a comment of ‘this looks nothing like me’ but wouldn’t spend a great deal of time worrying about it.

You seem content in your relationship and describe your DH has a good man so do YOU really think he’s sat there trying to subconsciously tell you this is what he wants you to look like?

I agree with this. It’s maybe a little thoughtless, but I wouldn’t overthink it as it doesn’t sound malicious - in his mind he probably thought he was being helpful. I wouldn’t be thinking that this means he doesn’t like you as you are.

However, this also depends on how your relationship is in general. If he has a habit of putting you down or not making you feel attractive and loved, then that’s something else entirely. Is there a reason you’ve jumped to thinking he doesn’t want to show you as you are?

You obviously don’t have to share that here, but just something to think about.

firstly you feel the way you feel, and no one can tell you that's wrong. that being said your husband has tried to help you by creating the leaflet. did he actually type the things you are saying, did he actually type into chatgpt saying make her younger, fitter, etc. you can find this out from chatgpt history. or is it you are in your menopause and lets be honest feeling pretty shit about yourself. answer those two questions and you'll have your answer

I voted yabu because of the way you worded the options. I don't think yabu to feel the way you do, but it don't think your DH meant anything by it and I think you are reading a lot into it which probably wasn't there in his head. I totally understand why you feel insulted though.

You have every right to feel let down by your DH. You didn't ask for his 'help' and it has left you feeling as the real you is perhaps not good enough, and that only young, slim, beautiful women are valued - which is even more upsetting as an older woman.

Have you sat down, and talked to him? Acknowledge that you can understand he was 'helping', but in doing so, how it has made you feel? His response and actions should tell you everything.

I would fucking hate this. Yanbu

Any chance he's deliberately trying to sabotage you by adding a such a tacky, silly image to your ads? Could your business be doing a little too well for his liking?

I wouldn’t like it, but I don’t like the caricature images creeping into various places. It looks juvenile to me and would turn me off a business advert.

He absolutely hasn't thought about it as deeply as you have.

It sounds like he tried to do something he thinks is cool/interesting - input a photo of you and it spat this out. I expect he didn't think twice about it looking the right age.

It's a massive stretch to say that he wishes this is what you really look like, especially if it's a cartoon style.

It might not be him. When I upload a photo of me and a friend it often subtly changes us. It’s weird. I can tell it’s me but it’s an airbrushed version of me

I’ve put my face in AI to try our hair etc and it completely changes my face straight away to make me look more attractive / younger etc. all I’ve said is show me with darker hair.

I'd be hugely flattered that my partner thought I looked nice enough to be on a business card! I'm also mid-50s and totally appreciate how much effort it is to look presentable, but really I think this is lovely that your partner did this, I'm sure he meant no harm.

It’s because of the ridiculous hyperbole you used, I think he is out of order but couldn’t click YANBU because the option was so extreme.

But isn’t the point that he didn’t think she was lovely enough? He thought a younger, prettier version with perkier tits was 🤣

It sounds more like an avatar...?

Personally I'd rather use something like that than have my actual image online, perhaps he thought he was protecting your privacy?

Have you asked your partner yet?? That’s surely more important than continually talking to Mumsnet!

A lot of people seem to use modified versions of themselves, whether it's friends posting filtered images, using botox/surgery/lots of make-up, or simply posing in certain ways. I do think it's a shame we're not confident, and I suppose AI is just an extension of that, As for your husband, it used to just be younger people who told each other how to look/seemed to want to show off their boy/girl friends as trophies, but now even older men and women seem to want to dress/change their partners.

His revisit of the past is not about you, it's about his fear of aging. How does he look nowadays compared to his old self? Does all the equipment still work? You seem fine with your age mentally, he really doesn't. Your younger self making a cameo appearance in his mind is all about him.

I think this is a massive over reaction. Loads of people make these cartoony versions for posters etc. You type in hair colour, glasses etc it's the same basic person just changed up to suit. He hasn't spent ages trying to make a version of you. I think you are upset but you are taking it the wrong way. Hope you can get it sorted after a chat.

Gee .. reading some of this, .. it sounds like he was damned if he did, and damned it didn't!

You say "he knows I’ve been feeling down and exhausted recently and not feeling or looking my best." .. so he might have used AI to enhance a little so you felt good about it, when he showed you.

It sounds like he wants to share this with you and wanted what he may have hoped was a subtle version of you so you felt it was a flattering likeness and - as someone said, that may actually be how he sees you - if so that's lovely.

If you don't want him to use your image or a likeness, why don't you just say?

I’m shocked you’re shocked. I thought this was common knowledge. It doesn’t just apply to women. Attractive people are more successful.

I think he’s only completely in the wrong if you have a portfolio of “brand photos” available he could use instead. I run my own business and this is something I know I and most of my freelance friends struggle with. It’s tempting to ask AI to generate fake brand photography because it’s something that’s a big effort and expensive to organise (although real is obviously preferable).