AIBU to wonder what work are expecting me to do?

[FriskyHeeler]

I've worked at my current employer for 3 years and recently had a change in circumstances (in February) which means I have no childcare for my 3 children after school for 1-2 days out of the week. They have been understanding and accomodated my needs so far but have asked me to look at what realistic options are available and have called a meeting for next week to discuss, as the situation is not sustainable long term. I'll outline the facts below, please read carefully because it's not as simple a solution as most people seem to think.

• I work 8.30 - 5pm Monday to Friday and it takes me 30 mins to get to and from work.
• My husband works 8 - 4.30 Monday to Friday, his office is an hour away and he works from home on Thursdays and Fridays. Soon to be 3 days a week. He used to work nights, so would drop off and pick up the kids each day, however the strain on family life, our relationship, his mental health was not sustainable and he had numerous breakdowns over a long period of time and he changed jobs. Not ideal but I won't make my husband do a job he hated when it made him want to kill himself every day. He can be quite volatile and in the past this has affected work when he last left for periods of time so I've been left to sort the kids 100% of the time, at times. Work know things are rocky and my line manager thinks I should leave him but this would only make the situation more difficult.
• Our kids are 3, 5 & 9. The 3 & 5 year olds attend the same school/nursery and the 9 year old attends a different school.
• 2 out of the 3 kids have special needs and are settled in their schools. They previously attended the same primary school but had serious issues so we had to move them.
• Both schools have breakfast club, 1 starts at 7.50 and the other at 8.10, this obviously means I am often 10 mins late to work on the days they are in club.
• Neither school has ANY after school provision.
• We unfortunately live in an area where wrap around care isn't in demand, so options are pretty non existent.
• There are no childminders in the area that currently or are willing to pick up from either/both of their schools.
• Their are a couple of local nurseries that do after school club and they collect the kids from school and walk back to their premises. 1 of my kids is a flight risk so I do not feel comfortable with this as an option. He has escaped and ran off from his old school twice before.
• We cannot afford a nanny, prices are between £15 - 20 and hour when I have enquired and tbh, given my kids additional needs, I don't think anyone would last a week with them, they are VERY full on.
• My dad can collect the kids 1 day a week at an absolute push but it's his only day off and if he has plans it's not a given he can do it, I don't expect him to plan his life around MY kids. My dad works the other 4 days a week and my mom doesn't work but has stopped driving for health reasons so cannot pick them up and she is not physically able to walk/get the bus etc and as previously stated, 1 of them is a flight risk and she wouldnt be able to run after him if needed. A taxi for her to pick them up and go back to hers would be far too expensive multiple times a week as she has done this once before in an emergency and it was £30 for one pick up, let alone 2.
• There are no other parents at either of their schools that we know well enough to ask. We have no other friends or family in the area at all, aside from my mom and dad.
• So far, on days where my husband is in the office, I finish work at 14:40, pick up the kids from school and then log on at home for the remainder of the day, sometimes beyond 5pm.
• I am a supervisor and our team is growing and I will be responsible for up to 12 people eventually so work are saying I cannot effectively supervise if I am not in the office. We also have a lot of new team members (one being another supervisor) who are not fully trained so things tend to fall to shit a lot of them time if I am not there.
• Not to toot my own horn but i am the glue that holds the entire team together, and effectively, if I were to leave because I need more long term flexibility, they would be absolutely fucked. My line manager and our department manager knows this all too well, but are still pressuring me to find some magical solution that doesn't exist so I can be there 8.30-5 every single day. They've not said they will get rid of me, and I don't think they would, but they're saying I need to work my hours I am employed to do. I agree with this and have no issues with that, I've often said I will taken leave, take the time unpaid etc and they have always said no.
• I could put in a flexible working request to reduce my hours 1-2 days a week, but it would actually be a waste of time, as they can and would refuse it for a legitimate business reason.

I don't know what to do or what I'm supposed to say during this meeting. If you've thought of something I haven't explored above then please please let me know. I'm obviously going to explain all of the above in detail about what I've looked into and why it's not a viable option and see what they say. I'm also considering telling them I'm looking else where for something more flexible in the hope that they back down, but I don't actually want to leave, I really do enjoy working there and don't want to jump ship and end up being somewhere I don't like, or having to take a pay cut that I can't really afford.

True

Im afraid I haven’t read all the responses - several pages worth though. This is my response.

I would keep as much of the detail away from work as possible - agree with going into the meeting with solutions and a plan.

I would make a flexible working request to work 930 to 5.30 and would then do every morning drop off.

I would look for every possible way for my husband to do as many pickups as possible, with your mother plus wrist strap as a backup.

If absolutely necessary, I would go into debt to pay for an after school childminder or nanny to do the remaining pickups. Obviously if there are any ways to reduce spending or to ask for money from family to reduce the debt we were taking on, or even perhaps to do a Saturday job of some kind to pay for it, I would do that.

Are you sure you are not just enabling incompetence on the part of your colleagues?

Cos that's so simple 🙄 absolutely ridiculous suggestion. "just move"...if only aye!?

Do you have a class whatsapp? Put a post “looking for after school nanny £ per hour, if you would like the job or know anyone please forward details”

It obviously isn’t working for them or they wouldn’t be asking you. You need to go with solutions, not just “can’t find childcare” with a shrug. They don’t care about the actual solution. They just want you to work your hours. You’ll have to drop hours, or work flexibly to make up the time on the two days you dont need to leave early. It’s obvious they dont like wfh so that isn’t working. The other two options may be preferred

Probably sounds like it, but if you knew the finer details you'd understand why it's like that. Unfortunately the line manager is the problem and the department manager is a push over and let's her get away with the way she speaks to people and the way she deals with things.

Whilst childcare seems to be the problem here @FriskyHeeler... I thinks it's a lot deeper than that.

The real problem is that you can't WFH 2 afternoons a week, because your team are incapable. You've made some comments about you being indispensable, your team being clueless, your line manager not picking up slack while you are off, how nobody covers and you just always pick up the pieces, how staff turnover is very high sknce you starte dthere. I would say that is terrible management on your behalf.

If you can't train your staff properly and rely on them... you don't get to reap the rewards of flexible working unfortunately.

Also with 3 young children, 2 of whom are SEN, one who is only 3 so not self sufficient.... WFH isn't a replacement for childcare. I WFH, and my youngest goes to childminder unless his Dad is off work. We do have a teen also but he's self sufficient so doesn't need looking after. You cannot possibly adequately work and look after 3 children. It's physically not possible to get the same standard of work done.

I have staff below me who I have allowed WFH 2 days a week, to facilitate drop-off and pick-up for creche / school... but they cannot look after their children and work simultaneously.

I think the beat solution here is perhaps a) upskilling your staff... you need a number 2. Someone who can immediately slot in if you called in sick, wgile you are on leave, someone who can do the day to day while you take up the running on the new client project and focus on the new incoming staff. Perhaps you could identify someone internally or ask to be involved in the recruitment process?

Secondly I would ask for flexible / compressed working week. Can you cut your hours by 2 1/2 days a week? Can you work an extra 2 hours 3 days a week while your DH is on his WFH days? Could you take your lunch hour 2 days a week to pickup the kids and bring to your mums house to look after them until either you or DH finish work for the day?

You can't just go in to a meeting with work, who are clearly seeing some issues or concerns, and basically day I'm so indispensable and I don't have childcare (for whatever reason, some of your reasons don't seem legit I won't lie but your choice) so you won't fire me and I'll just continue on even though this is clearly a shit show.

If you can improve the team... there's more chance of reaping the benefits of flexible working.

Apologies if this has already been asked or answered, do you claim dla for both your children who have ALN? I'd use that money to pay for a nanny.
If not I'd go part time or start applying for a different job.

And this is a really problematic attitude for a middle manager to have- at work and at home tbh.

You are saving everyone - you are doing everything tactically but not strategically. So you are propping up systems that don't work.

Parenting SEN children is impossibly hard and you end up with hypervigilence and the need to solve every discomfort and predict every pain before it becomes a huge meltdown disaster. I feel like you are stuck on a hamster wheel - your nervous system is so alert for your kids you can only operate in this mode where you are always smoothing over and leaping to action and taking more on yourself to get through. I really really get it, honestly.

But work is different. You have to look at the wider system and find out a way to point out this systemic failure - not the failure of you or the manager but how the whole system Reacts- and try to get it to change and move.

This demands a whole other kind of emotional intelligence often to deal with people on a slower timeframe and pointing out their personal responsibility and allowing the system to sit in discomfort and evolve its own solution. Often this is an opposite set of responses to the sort of skill and attunement you need to take care of the autistic meltdown at home, or whatever is going on.

Frankly it's the reason I had to give up work. I didn't have the emotional capacity for everything my children needed AND everything work required of me emotionally to be a senior manager.

I think as far as work are concerned you have no DC or DH. It has nothing to do with them.
If you can't solve your issues then unfortunately you will have to change jobs or give up work. I HRTFT, but with 2DC with such severe needs I assume you receive DLA for both and if you didn't work you'd be entitled to CA. Is giving up work viable? It would be understandable given your circumstances.

This still sounds like you are enabling incompetence. You are enabling an incompetent management team to suffer zero consequences by being the buffer between their ineffective management practice and their clueless underlings who can't cope without you being there. Seriously, you need to find another job.

Literally about to say the same
@FriskyHeeler
Whilst you think you are indispensable no one is and work on your days off, through lunch etc actually it shows that your boundaries are poor .
It sounds like you are propping up the issues not the solver of them and holding others back
Of course they wont admit to wanting you to leave, they are not daft are they, that would be constructive dismissal

I would be asking for a condensed working pattern so you work longer days on the days your husband WFH and shorter days on the two where you need to do the school run eg

Monday 8:30 -6 OR 8-5:30, 30 minutes break 9 hours
Tuesday 9-3 6 hours no break
Wednesday 8:30 -6 OR 8-5:30, 30 minutes break 9 hours
Thursday 9-3 6 hours no break
Friday 8:30 -6 OR 8-5:30, 30 minutes break 9 hours

This gives you 39 working hours if you're actually contracted to 37/37.5 like a lot of people adjust accordingly or add breaks in the shorter days

It's also ridiculous your team can't manage without you in person even one day a week they clearly do when you're online but parenting 3 children with additional needs

I did what you are doing by responding when not at work. It caused a massive issue where i
was accused of not bringing issues to the forefront and brushing things under the carpet. After I did four years of answering emails on my time off. I learnt a big lesson and will never do that again. I wasn’t appreciated for doing it, I ended up being resented!!

Gosh the real problem is that you have to figure this out all by yourself and no support from a partner

i know you said he had all kinds of issues and mental health problems but ultimately what is letting you down here is not your employer but the fact your partner is unable to help

ultimately I do not think that presenting all this info to your employer and making it their issue to sort out your life is the way forward

definitely keep talking to them and see if any compromises can be agreed from both sides, but ultimately this is on you and your husband to figure out

don’t mean to sound unsympathetic, you are in a really difficult situation

best of luck

If you’re essential to the team can you ask for a pay rise so I can afford a nanny?

That was kind of you to be fair. Feminism is truly dead isnt it. Of course it’s there problem if their employee is a mother.

It's not simple. Your life isn't simple. But you can't keep going as you are - so look at all the things that can be varied until you find what works.
Plus, I said consider moving long term - hardly the same as "just move".
Sometimes people just can't be helped!

If you were really that important to your employer, your pay would be higher/there would be more benefits for you at work. You're replaceable at work, as is everyone else. You'll find a new job.

I know you think you are indispensable but I promise you're not. You don't seem open to any of the suggestions given here regarding childcare, so I think your options are request to go part time or find another job that fits around your childs needs.

I think that you are misreading the situation. It's not appropriate to be going into those sorts of details with your work. You're either available or you're not available. They have no business expecting you to give evidence about what child care options you have available. No man in history has ever been asked to prove that. You need to act more professional and stop involving them in these details. You mentioned that you feel they want to formalise things. You all need to act more formal.

You are not as indispensable as you think-if you resigned, they would just replace you.

If they will refuse you working reduced hours, you need to either throw money at the problem with childcare/sitters or you need to leave. Sounds like they need someone prepared to work 8.30/5 whether it’s you or someone else.

Hmm. I think you should take a couple of days of stress/mental health leave where you DO NOT CHECK WORK. Use a small amount of it to document options and why they won’t work, and conclude with the options that might work, see below. Use MOST of it to seriously scan other job options

• i will formally request flexible working to leave early on Monday and Tuesday, and log back on from 4pm for another 2 hours. this seems perfectly reasonable to me, with my performance in the job role to date demonstrating I’m able to manage the team while working in this way.
• if that request is denied I will request to drop my hours by 5 hours a week and leave at 2:30pm on Monday and Tuesday. Please note that taking the pay cut will be a challenge for me and I will not drop my hours and also continue to be available for work but unpaid on the afternoons that I’m not working. I would have to delegate some more tasks for this to work, and there is currently no capacity for delegating extra work so you need to consider hiring.
• I cannot think of any other solutions, and am interested to hear suggestions.

You May be the glue that holds the team together but they will get rid of you if you are not able to work in the office. Don’t think that they won’t.