AIBU to wonder what work are expecting me to do?

[FriskyHeeler]

I've worked at my current employer for 3 years and recently had a change in circumstances (in February) which means I have no childcare for my 3 children after school for 1-2 days out of the week. They have been understanding and accomodated my needs so far but have asked me to look at what realistic options are available and have called a meeting for next week to discuss, as the situation is not sustainable long term. I'll outline the facts below, please read carefully because it's not as simple a solution as most people seem to think.

• I work 8.30 - 5pm Monday to Friday and it takes me 30 mins to get to and from work.
• My husband works 8 - 4.30 Monday to Friday, his office is an hour away and he works from home on Thursdays and Fridays. Soon to be 3 days a week. He used to work nights, so would drop off and pick up the kids each day, however the strain on family life, our relationship, his mental health was not sustainable and he had numerous breakdowns over a long period of time and he changed jobs. Not ideal but I won't make my husband do a job he hated when it made him want to kill himself every day. He can be quite volatile and in the past this has affected work when he last left for periods of time so I've been left to sort the kids 100% of the time, at times. Work know things are rocky and my line manager thinks I should leave him but this would only make the situation more difficult.
• Our kids are 3, 5 & 9. The 3 & 5 year olds attend the same school/nursery and the 9 year old attends a different school.
• 2 out of the 3 kids have special needs and are settled in their schools. They previously attended the same primary school but had serious issues so we had to move them.
• Both schools have breakfast club, 1 starts at 7.50 and the other at 8.10, this obviously means I am often 10 mins late to work on the days they are in club.
• Neither school has ANY after school provision.
• We unfortunately live in an area where wrap around care isn't in demand, so options are pretty non existent.
• There are no childminders in the area that currently or are willing to pick up from either/both of their schools.
• Their are a couple of local nurseries that do after school club and they collect the kids from school and walk back to their premises. 1 of my kids is a flight risk so I do not feel comfortable with this as an option. He has escaped and ran off from his old school twice before.
• We cannot afford a nanny, prices are between £15 - 20 and hour when I have enquired and tbh, given my kids additional needs, I don't think anyone would last a week with them, they are VERY full on.
• My dad can collect the kids 1 day a week at an absolute push but it's his only day off and if he has plans it's not a given he can do it, I don't expect him to plan his life around MY kids. My dad works the other 4 days a week and my mom doesn't work but has stopped driving for health reasons so cannot pick them up and she is not physically able to walk/get the bus etc and as previously stated, 1 of them is a flight risk and she wouldnt be able to run after him if needed. A taxi for her to pick them up and go back to hers would be far too expensive multiple times a week as she has done this once before in an emergency and it was £30 for one pick up, let alone 2.
• There are no other parents at either of their schools that we know well enough to ask. We have no other friends or family in the area at all, aside from my mom and dad.
• So far, on days where my husband is in the office, I finish work at 14:40, pick up the kids from school and then log on at home for the remainder of the day, sometimes beyond 5pm.
• I am a supervisor and our team is growing and I will be responsible for up to 12 people eventually so work are saying I cannot effectively supervise if I am not in the office. We also have a lot of new team members (one being another supervisor) who are not fully trained so things tend to fall to shit a lot of them time if I am not there.
• Not to toot my own horn but i am the glue that holds the entire team together, and effectively, if I were to leave because I need more long term flexibility, they would be absolutely fucked. My line manager and our department manager knows this all too well, but are still pressuring me to find some magical solution that doesn't exist so I can be there 8.30-5 every single day. They've not said they will get rid of me, and I don't think they would, but they're saying I need to work my hours I am employed to do. I agree with this and have no issues with that, I've often said I will taken leave, take the time unpaid etc and they have always said no.
• I could put in a flexible working request to reduce my hours 1-2 days a week, but it would actually be a waste of time, as they can and would refuse it for a legitimate business reason.

I don't know what to do or what I'm supposed to say during this meeting. If you've thought of something I haven't explored above then please please let me know. I'm obviously going to explain all of the above in detail about what I've looked into and why it's not a viable option and see what they say. I'm also considering telling them I'm looking else where for something more flexible in the hope that they back down, but I don't actually want to leave, I really do enjoy working there and don't want to jump ship and end up being somewhere I don't like, or having to take a pay cut that I can't really afford.

They want you to formulate a longer term solution. All the reasons and barriers that you mention are not their issue.

Why are the team incapable of managing things between themselves for a couple of hours a week? What happens when you are on annual leave?

But no one does cover for me cos they're incapable. Things get left for when I am back. One of the team (reports to the new supervisor) was off last week and she came back and is absolutely drowning because he's not covered any of her work. I've stepped on and covered the bits I can but I wouldn't do any of my own work if I were to does daily.

I'm not a lazy person expecting to be able to do whatever I want and everyone to just accept it and get on with it or pick up the pieces when I am off.

I beat myself up daily over not being at work all of the time. I've actually got a rare day off today with the kids and I'm sat here keeping an eye on my work phone and responding to emails to help the team out so they don't have to go to the department manager with queries.

There are no childminders that pick up at either of their schools, I mentioned this in the OP.

Stop responding on your day of FFS! The manager need to know about these issues and deal with them.

That's definitely not the case but ok know-it-all 🤣

@FriskyHeeler this situation is really clear. The jobs that you and your DH have at the moment are not compatible with your family situation.
So you are not actually prioritising your children but expecting your work to accommodate what you can actually do.
One or both of you need to change jobs to accommodate what you can actually reliably offer.
You've chosen to have 3 children and you get the children you get. It's a lottery every time. Where there is significant SEN there is almost inevitably an impact on parental working. Sorry, but prioritising your children is being there when they need parenting.

Think hubby keeps to get more actively involved. Not your employer problem to resolve though

On the 3 days that your husband will be working from home, why don’t you offer to start work much earlier, thus making up the hours you otherwise miss?

@FriskyHeelerIt is not doing your team any favours being the one person to sort things out and viewing them as "incapable".
Look at their personal development and advocate for it.
Sit with them and discuss how they want their careers to progress and what their skills are.
Then put a training plan in place in conjunction with your managers so that other people in your team are "capable"

You say you can’t afford not to work but an equally correct interpretation is that you can’t afford to work. Ignoring for a moment the non financial benefits of you working, then you need to look at what the costs of you working are, childcare, commuting, office clothes etc against what you earn.
You appear indispensable at work despite it sounding as if this is because of shortcomings in others as much as strengths in you. You do a job where you don’t take a lunch break and use your AL in odd days so the place doesn’t crumble, where there is an unpleasant line manager.
You have a lot of reasons, good reasons, for childcare solutions not being easy. The current situation is not working. The status quo is not an option. You may need to go for the least worst option but this is for you and your husband to sort out not your work.

Hi @FriskyHeeler, I appreciate how difficult it is (mother of two here). However, in answer to your question - what do work expect you to do? The answer is, your job for the hours you are contracted for.

I've not said it's reasonable at all. I've tried to broach Flexi working before, going part time, I even went on there with my notice once because I just couldn't think of what else to do, and every single time they have said no, you don't need to do that, we're here for you, we'll done whatever it takes to support you, let us know what you need, don't take it as leave, we won't prorata your wages, you don't need to make up the time etc etc. Just seems like their words have an expiry date.

I don't think there's a choice other than paying someone to take the children. With three children, paying one person won't be much worse than three separate amounts to other forms of childcare.
Or if both you and your dh asked for one early finish a week, your employers might go for that as it's only one day.

It sounds like two out of three children have autism.

In Australia (given your youngest child’s age) you could request flexible working arrangements. But the issue with that is it isn’t intended to be forever - only when your children are little.

Also, your employer isn’t required to accommodate childcare for special needs children. It sucks.

I couldn’t/can’t work as my child has severe autism. It is impossible to work and take my child to school and therapy. It’s just impossible. No new employer would put up with that.

What you need to understand is that your husband’s behaviour is abusive. He knowingly made your life harder by threatening to end his life. You’ve accommodated his behaviour and supported his job change. As a consequence your own job is in jeopardy.

Repeatedly threatening to end one’s life can be a form of abuse. Your colleagues know this. Deep down you must know this.

My only suggestion is that you request flexible work arrangements from your employer and ascertain what government assistance and child support you would be entitled to should your hours drop AND you leave your husband.

He is actively involved, did you miss the bit where he works from home 2 soon to be 3 days a week to be there to do the school runs, and worked nights for 3 years to enable him to take the kids to and from childcare??

Not sure if anyone has suggested this but would an opére be an option at all? It doesn't sound like it is, but potentially it could allow you both to work the hours you need to or perhaps longer hours, earn more to cover all 3 children at both schools before and after school? With the added bonus of it being a specific person who you could "train up" re SEN, drive them where needed etc.

Just a thought, but obviously very dependent on finances and space.

I think this is the best option proposed - you could then say to work you need to do 1-2 a pick ups in the afternoon depending on if your dad around.

yes extra fuel costs but needs must

I can and will ask but I don't know if this will be approved. Worth trying though.

Or, consider moving to a location with better options for care long term

@FriskyHeeler I miss understood, it read to me that neither do both together sorry!

Longer term you can out pressure on the school to do afterschool club, i think the govt. expects them to provide it if there is a need Wraparound childcare: Everything you need to know about before and after school childcare – The Education Hub

People have said that no one is indispensable, and that is true. However, if you do decide to go elsewhere, and the department falls down on its knees, then it doesn’t matter, because it’s no longer your problem.

I think you are looking for a 9 year solution here till
youngest goes to high school.

Can DH do mornings in the office and home in the afternoons rather than the whole days pattern for one of his days?

Could you do mornings in the office and home in the afternoon 2 days a week - benefit being 30 mins travel falling into your lunch break so reducing the time you are away from your desk?

Afterschool nursery collection could be tried to show willing to your employer? Could you pay extra for a 1:1 on the walk?

Working full time with 3 young children is very hard. Never mind a difficult dh.

It's hard to explain but the way the manager is as I explained earlier, it just creates a whole bigger issue, pointless time consuming meetings, and increases everyone's workload as she makes up another pointless process. Whereas if the team can just deal with it with a bit of my input on my day off, it's easier for everyone.

Yes - they mean "look at options for you being able to do your job, that will work for us, the company" not "bring all the different childcare solutions for your life, to us, for a cosy chat where we can help you".

Needs to be economical busines case - e.g.
pay me more for 6 months and BTW I will use this to hire a nanny, and in that time I will work my hours and train up x or y and develop the team so they can do better client servicing then I will drop 5 hours/week and someone else can be promoted to support me. Will cost you total employee cost of A which is less than B, the cost of replacing me and training my replacement over 6 months.

The people in that meeting will have already have juggled their own childcare and while they might have great sympathy, this sympathy will not last forever. I remember one disciplinary where the employee told us we didn't know what it was like to be so tired. She had no kids or other commitments bar herself, and both me and the other guy in the meeting had huge huge caring responsibilities that we had to juggle every day and we were effing exhausted.