AIBU to wonder what work are expecting me to do?

[FriskyHeeler]

I've worked at my current employer for 3 years and recently had a change in circumstances (in February) which means I have no childcare for my 3 children after school for 1-2 days out of the week. They have been understanding and accomodated my needs so far but have asked me to look at what realistic options are available and have called a meeting for next week to discuss, as the situation is not sustainable long term. I'll outline the facts below, please read carefully because it's not as simple a solution as most people seem to think.

• I work 8.30 - 5pm Monday to Friday and it takes me 30 mins to get to and from work.
• My husband works 8 - 4.30 Monday to Friday, his office is an hour away and he works from home on Thursdays and Fridays. Soon to be 3 days a week. He used to work nights, so would drop off and pick up the kids each day, however the strain on family life, our relationship, his mental health was not sustainable and he had numerous breakdowns over a long period of time and he changed jobs. Not ideal but I won't make my husband do a job he hated when it made him want to kill himself every day. He can be quite volatile and in the past this has affected work when he last left for periods of time so I've been left to sort the kids 100% of the time, at times. Work know things are rocky and my line manager thinks I should leave him but this would only make the situation more difficult.
• Our kids are 3, 5 & 9. The 3 & 5 year olds attend the same school/nursery and the 9 year old attends a different school.
• 2 out of the 3 kids have special needs and are settled in their schools. They previously attended the same primary school but had serious issues so we had to move them.
• Both schools have breakfast club, 1 starts at 7.50 and the other at 8.10, this obviously means I am often 10 mins late to work on the days they are in club.
• Neither school has ANY after school provision.
• We unfortunately live in an area where wrap around care isn't in demand, so options are pretty non existent.
• There are no childminders in the area that currently or are willing to pick up from either/both of their schools.
• Their are a couple of local nurseries that do after school club and they collect the kids from school and walk back to their premises. 1 of my kids is a flight risk so I do not feel comfortable with this as an option. He has escaped and ran off from his old school twice before.
• We cannot afford a nanny, prices are between £15 - 20 and hour when I have enquired and tbh, given my kids additional needs, I don't think anyone would last a week with them, they are VERY full on.
• My dad can collect the kids 1 day a week at an absolute push but it's his only day off and if he has plans it's not a given he can do it, I don't expect him to plan his life around MY kids. My dad works the other 4 days a week and my mom doesn't work but has stopped driving for health reasons so cannot pick them up and she is not physically able to walk/get the bus etc and as previously stated, 1 of them is a flight risk and she wouldnt be able to run after him if needed. A taxi for her to pick them up and go back to hers would be far too expensive multiple times a week as she has done this once before in an emergency and it was £30 for one pick up, let alone 2.
• There are no other parents at either of their schools that we know well enough to ask. We have no other friends or family in the area at all, aside from my mom and dad.
• So far, on days where my husband is in the office, I finish work at 14:40, pick up the kids from school and then log on at home for the remainder of the day, sometimes beyond 5pm.
• I am a supervisor and our team is growing and I will be responsible for up to 12 people eventually so work are saying I cannot effectively supervise if I am not in the office. We also have a lot of new team members (one being another supervisor) who are not fully trained so things tend to fall to shit a lot of them time if I am not there.
• Not to toot my own horn but i am the glue that holds the entire team together, and effectively, if I were to leave because I need more long term flexibility, they would be absolutely fucked. My line manager and our department manager knows this all too well, but are still pressuring me to find some magical solution that doesn't exist so I can be there 8.30-5 every single day. They've not said they will get rid of me, and I don't think they would, but they're saying I need to work my hours I am employed to do. I agree with this and have no issues with that, I've often said I will taken leave, take the time unpaid etc and they have always said no.
• I could put in a flexible working request to reduce my hours 1-2 days a week, but it would actually be a waste of time, as they can and would refuse it for a legitimate business reason.

I don't know what to do or what I'm supposed to say during this meeting. If you've thought of something I haven't explored above then please please let me know. I'm obviously going to explain all of the above in detail about what I've looked into and why it's not a viable option and see what they say. I'm also considering telling them I'm looking else where for something more flexible in the hope that they back down, but I don't actually want to leave, I really do enjoy working there and don't want to jump ship and end up being somewhere I don't like, or having to take a pay cut that I can't really afford.

I'm not sure if you have misread, but the OPs DH has managed to get 3 days WFH so does the childcare on those 3 days. So I'm not sure it's fair to say he isn't supporting?

I've had a pay rise within the last year.

It's a difficult situation but I think your best option is to suggest condensing your hours. So you work 2 shorter days on the 2 days your dh is in the office and then make up those hours on the 3 days he wfh.

I’m sorry you’re struggling with this, OP. It is so challenging.

we had after school nannies when our children were in infant/primary school, and you’re right - they are very expensive and extremely hard to find.

we managed to have two TAs from their school in the end, who knew them, it fitted their hours. And it worked for a good couple of years.

failing that, can you ask your work to change your hours to 8:45 to 2:15pm?

in the hope that they might say yes, or at least realise they don’t want to lose you and be more flexible?

Feminism is not about assuming a woman has to compromise/ change/ request flexible working rather than her partner. Nor is it about expecting a workplace to solve your childcare problems. Those attitudes do a disservice to women.

The OP’s workplace has been accommodating in allowing an unsatisfactory situation to run for 2 months; they are now, quite understandably, fed up with it.

mind you, if the management and other colleagues are as incompetent as the the OP makes out, while she is brilliantly holding the entire business up, it begs the question of why she hasn’t got herself a better job…

I had a job once with 'indispensable' shift leaders who gatekept knowledge and used weaponised incompetence by proxy as leverage.

Eventually they all aged out and retired. Guess what. This super specialist niche department does just fine without them. Others were promoted and solutions were found to the gaps in knowledge and training.

No one OP, no one is indispensable.

Edited to say.
There were twelve of us. We were the only people in the entire country doing this particular type of work. A very specialist government department.

It’s so hard. I have a child with a physical health issue who has moved to secondary school and there is no drop off or pick up options.

On the days your partner works from home can you start an hour and a half early each day and then finish at 2.30 on his office days? All your work hours are then at work and not WFH and agree a plan with another person of similar level as you how this will work going forward for the hours you aren’t there two days a week?

I start at 7am some days and finish late so on the days I need to do drop off and pick up I can work 9-3. I justified my reasons why I needed it and explained how I would make it work for the company.

Well luckily for you OP they can't put a blanket ban on flexible working:

Re‑frame the problem before the meeting
Right now, work are treating this as:
“You need to find childcare so you can do your contracted hours.”
What it actually is:
“A permanent change in caring responsibilities that intersects with an employer’s legal duties around flexible working, carers, and discrimination by association.”

That doesn’t mean the employer must agree to anything you ask - but it does mean:

• They must consider solutions reasonably
• They must consult properly
• They must explore alternatives, not just say “be here 8.30–5 every day or else”

This is explicitly set out in Acas guidance and UK law. [acas.org.uk], [gov.uk]

Employees can request flexible working from day one
Employers must consult before refusing
Refusal must be based on evidence, not preference or convenience [acas.org.uk], [gov.uk]
Even if they ultimately say no, they must:

• Discuss alternatives
• Explain why each alternative doesn’t work
• Saying “you must be in the office 8.30–5 every day” without exploring adjusted patterns is not reasonable handling.

Two of your children have additional needs. Under the Equality Act, you are protected from being treated unfavourably because of your association with disabled dependants.
That includes:

• Rigid working patterns that disproportionately disadvantage you
• Pressure that would not be applied to someone without caring responsibilities

This is well‑established in guidance from Carers UK and Working Families. [carersuk.org], [workingfam...ies.org.uk]

You don’t need to say “discrimination claim”. You can say:
“Because two of my children have additional needs, some childcare options that might be available to other families aren’t safe or appropriate. I need us to factor that into what is reasonable.” That is factual, not confrontational.

At the meeting, don't spend the whole time re‑explaining why nurseries, childminders, taxis and nannies won’t work. You've already done that.
Instead, say something like:
“I have explored all reasonable childcare options locally. There is no safe, affordable or sustainable after‑school care available for two days a week. This is not a temporary issue, and it’s not one I can personally fix.”
That shifts the conversation from “try harder” to “ok, what can work at work?”

What you can realistically put on the table (practical options)
Go in with work‑based solutions, not childcare solutions.

Option A: Formalise what’s already happening

• Leaving at 14:40
• Logging back on
• Working her full hours / beyond

You could propose:

• Two fixed days a week with adjusted hours
• Being contactable and accountable during those times
• Clear cover / escalation arrangements

This aligns with Acas guidance that flexibility can include partial changes, not all‑or‑nothing

Option B: Compressed or staggered hours
Example:

• 8.00–4.30 on childcare days
• Longer days on others to balance hours

This is explicitly recognised as a form of flexible working under UK law.

Option C: Role‑based adjustment* *(not demotion)
If they argue supervision requires presence:

• Could certain supervisory duties be anchored to office days?
• Could deputy cover be formalised?
• Could training responsibilities be scheduled on core days?

Employers must consider role adaptations, not just raw hours, before refusal.

It might be worth a chat with ACAS prior to the meeting if you can?

Do you get DLA for the children with ALN?

I work 8.30 - 5pm Monday to Friday
No you don't. That is the issue. You are paid for 8.30-5.00 M-F, but you are not working those hours.
You then say:
So far, on days where my husband is in the office, I finish work at 14:40, pick up the kids from school and then log on at home for the remainder of the day, sometimes beyond 5pm.
So if you don't always make up the missing time in the evening, they are paying you for hours you are simply not doing.

The rest of your post is irrelevant.

You need to work in the evenings when the kids are in bed (because "working" when the kids are awake after you have collected them doesn't count - you cannot call it proper work if you are simultaneously doing childcare).
Or, you need to take a pay cut to match the hours that you actually work.

Don't be surprised if they refuse to accept evening working and insist on cutting your pay.
Or, more likely, they may put you on some formal disciplinary / work-capability pathway with a view to sacking you ASAP.

This is actually really really helpful, thank you so much.

Op

i hope you are right, and that they are just trying to formalise a routine pattern.

But, and I mean this in a helpful way, not a spiteful one- in your shoes I would be concerned. As I said, vanishingly few people are utterly irreplaceable, don’t kid yourself that you are. They might prefer to keep you than lose you, but if you really can’t fulfil the hours they believe they need, they might decide to move on.

Secondly, if I have understood the situation accurately you manage the team/department. Yet without you there, in person, to direct (and thus, arguably, micromanage) them things fall apart to such a degree that your seniors are concerned they would not manage to honour/deliver a major contract. You being key to that contract being delivered last time is all well and good- yes, that’s a plus. However, having recognised how bad it was, you as the manager of the struggling department have not made changes/put things in place/ upskilled your team and so on, in order to address the weaknesses/skill gaps/organisational flaws that you (and others) identified within the team you manage. If those changes were not within your scope to make, did you escalate this (and if so, can you prove you did)? Now, you remain in the position that you are not confident that your team can meet the challenge of fulfilling thst contract again (despite knowing it was a company aim to win the contract)- and what’s more, your senior management seem to be aware of your lack of confidence in your team. Worse, they share your concerns. If that is an accurate reflection of the situation, I’m not sure you are in quite as strong a negotiating position as you believe when you add in the situation of wanting your hours changed.

Maybe I am misunderstanding your position in terms of the management structure- but if you are the head of a team with problems, or which only works when you are there to micromanage them, ultimately the buck stops with you.

I do for the eldest. I've recently submitted an application for the middle after school have started the referral process.

You are very clear that you are irreplaceable. In that case, why all this effort? You hold the cards, go in there and say there are no other options, you need a contract to reflect the hours you're able to work around childcare.

You already work lunch and so on so you could put in a formal application for compressed hours. Don’t discuss it first just do it. Possibly that you would work five hours less finishing early on the two days. You will complete your job in these hours but you will not be available outside these hours. If they say they need you all the hours they are open so refuse this the you either resign or work exactly the hours you are contracted for, you take lunch breaks and you use your annual leave in blocks.

My workplace expects DC to be in childcare if staff are WFH except in emergencies. You can't do your best work (or parenting) if you are also supervising DC during working hours.

Can you claim UC to contribute towards some of your childcare costs? I suspect a nanny is going to be the only solution if you want to keep your job.

What is DH doing regarding working stuff out with HIS workplace re flexibility around working hours/WFH?

There is a department manager and under him are 2 teams, one is sales side and the other is order processing and operations. The operations manager is my line manager, I am the operations supervisor and will have 12 people that report to me. The second supervisor manages 2 people and they deal with all the per and post delivery admin.

You've got a job which you are paid to do. Work expects you to fulfil your contract. Yes the odd exception is made for family emergencies but if you ard unable to fulfil your working contract then you should look for a differdnt job. You're lucky you aren't just being dismissed.

Honestly, I think the only useful thing you can do is lay your cards on the table.

You simply tell them that unless you can continue to work in the flexible way you are doing, you will not be able to continue. You spell out all the ways you currently ensure that your job is done, and the potential consequences to the team if you have to leave. But honestly, it does sound to me that this job is no longer sustainable in your family situation.

You might usefully talk to a union rep to see if there is anything they can suggest.

Previous structure was the same up top but I was the only supervisor and 4-5 people reported to me.

It sounds like you're probably resisting a little too much at gutted cost of an after school nanny. Childcare is expensive but not more than what you earn and if you can afford pro rata work you can afford the after school nanny - it's just hard to swallow.
It do understand it's hard to find someone suitable.
I think the poster suggesting your husband ask for work adjustments is spot on. If he already wfh some days, his job has that flexibility potential.

Bluntly, work expect you to fulfil the contract you signed.

Did your partner consider the childcare when switching jobs? What was the original plan?

I know you keep saying childcare is impossible to find in your area, but there must be other families? Pre-school childminders, putting ads on local facebooks, asking the schools/council. The most likely situation is your employer is having this meeting for a paper trail leading up to a dismissal. They might genuinely want to help as well, but it is for their own backs.

They are already aware of the childcare issue and have allowed me to be working from home with the kids as. It's not actually been expected of me or formally put in writing that I HAVE to work to make up the hours, but I do it anyway. I have a laptop from a situation where I was alone with the kids for 3 weeks so just continued to do so when I've left early.

Can you change to a non supervisory role?

Sorry but I really would not "explain all of the above in detail". It is not their business or their responsibility.

Simply tell them that you have been through all the possibilities to enable you to be at work 8:30 - 5 and sadly none of them are possible for your family. The only options are that a) they let things continue as they are; b) they officially reduce your hours so that (usually) you can work your contracted hours; c) you leave and find a job with fewer hours.

But much as I have sympathy for you, it really is not your employer's problem to worry about your childcare issues. That is for you and your DH to sort out. No employer is going to want to pay you repeatedly for hours you don’t work, or risk antagonising other workers by treating you more favourably than them.