AIBU to wonder what work are expecting me to do?

[FriskyHeeler]

I've worked at my current employer for 3 years and recently had a change in circumstances (in February) which means I have no childcare for my 3 children after school for 1-2 days out of the week. They have been understanding and accomodated my needs so far but have asked me to look at what realistic options are available and have called a meeting for next week to discuss, as the situation is not sustainable long term. I'll outline the facts below, please read carefully because it's not as simple a solution as most people seem to think.

• I work 8.30 - 5pm Monday to Friday and it takes me 30 mins to get to and from work.
• My husband works 8 - 4.30 Monday to Friday, his office is an hour away and he works from home on Thursdays and Fridays. Soon to be 3 days a week. He used to work nights, so would drop off and pick up the kids each day, however the strain on family life, our relationship, his mental health was not sustainable and he had numerous breakdowns over a long period of time and he changed jobs. Not ideal but I won't make my husband do a job he hated when it made him want to kill himself every day. He can be quite volatile and in the past this has affected work when he last left for periods of time so I've been left to sort the kids 100% of the time, at times. Work know things are rocky and my line manager thinks I should leave him but this would only make the situation more difficult.
• Our kids are 3, 5 & 9. The 3 & 5 year olds attend the same school/nursery and the 9 year old attends a different school.
• 2 out of the 3 kids have special needs and are settled in their schools. They previously attended the same primary school but had serious issues so we had to move them.
• Both schools have breakfast club, 1 starts at 7.50 and the other at 8.10, this obviously means I am often 10 mins late to work on the days they are in club.
• Neither school has ANY after school provision.
• We unfortunately live in an area where wrap around care isn't in demand, so options are pretty non existent.
• There are no childminders in the area that currently or are willing to pick up from either/both of their schools.
• Their are a couple of local nurseries that do after school club and they collect the kids from school and walk back to their premises. 1 of my kids is a flight risk so I do not feel comfortable with this as an option. He has escaped and ran off from his old school twice before.
• We cannot afford a nanny, prices are between £15 - 20 and hour when I have enquired and tbh, given my kids additional needs, I don't think anyone would last a week with them, they are VERY full on.
• My dad can collect the kids 1 day a week at an absolute push but it's his only day off and if he has plans it's not a given he can do it, I don't expect him to plan his life around MY kids. My dad works the other 4 days a week and my mom doesn't work but has stopped driving for health reasons so cannot pick them up and she is not physically able to walk/get the bus etc and as previously stated, 1 of them is a flight risk and she wouldnt be able to run after him if needed. A taxi for her to pick them up and go back to hers would be far too expensive multiple times a week as she has done this once before in an emergency and it was £30 for one pick up, let alone 2.
• There are no other parents at either of their schools that we know well enough to ask. We have no other friends or family in the area at all, aside from my mom and dad.
• So far, on days where my husband is in the office, I finish work at 14:40, pick up the kids from school and then log on at home for the remainder of the day, sometimes beyond 5pm.
• I am a supervisor and our team is growing and I will be responsible for up to 12 people eventually so work are saying I cannot effectively supervise if I am not in the office. We also have a lot of new team members (one being another supervisor) who are not fully trained so things tend to fall to shit a lot of them time if I am not there.
• Not to toot my own horn but i am the glue that holds the entire team together, and effectively, if I were to leave because I need more long term flexibility, they would be absolutely fucked. My line manager and our department manager knows this all too well, but are still pressuring me to find some magical solution that doesn't exist so I can be there 8.30-5 every single day. They've not said they will get rid of me, and I don't think they would, but they're saying I need to work my hours I am employed to do. I agree with this and have no issues with that, I've often said I will taken leave, take the time unpaid etc and they have always said no.
• I could put in a flexible working request to reduce my hours 1-2 days a week, but it would actually be a waste of time, as they can and would refuse it for a legitimate business reason.

I don't know what to do or what I'm supposed to say during this meeting. If you've thought of something I haven't explored above then please please let me know. I'm obviously going to explain all of the above in detail about what I've looked into and why it's not a viable option and see what they say. I'm also considering telling them I'm looking else where for something more flexible in the hope that they back down, but I don't actually want to leave, I really do enjoy working there and don't want to jump ship and end up being somewhere I don't like, or having to take a pay cut that I can't really afford.

You need to sell that having you for a fixed schedule on reduced hours and reduced pay is better than losing you.

That is how I kept my job with a SN child. Well, to be honest my job never cared about a fixed schedule just an hours commitment, but yours does.

Make your time in the office predictable. Tell them how your team will function when you are not present. If you have a good team, you should not need to be there every minute.

your other option is a nanny and tightening the budget elsewhere. It really is that simple if you don’t want to change jobs since your husband is not an option to pick up the slack.

Of course your work will say they want to work with you to solve this - but ultimately they pay you to do a job and if you can’t do it then they’ll find someone else. No one is indispensable. They have been supportive but clearly they feel that can’t continue, hence the request for meetings.

Sadly if there are no viable options you’ll have to look at moving jobs I think. Sounds harsh but it’s not their problem.

I haven’t got any suggestions as both me and my husband have a WLB in place and grandparents able to help but as a fellow Sen parent I know how difficult it is to not to be able to use wrap around childcare. I very well know your fears of what could go wrong if the outsourced childcare gets it wrong.
Do you claim DLA for any of your children? Could that money go towards a nanny?

I 100% agree with what you say about their support having an expiry date. Not related to childcare, but one of my previous managers had exactly the same super supportive attitude towards time I needed off, and then suddenly overnight her supportive attitude evaporated and she turned really quite nasty in trying to manage me out. Turned out she had pressure from higher up and was fighting to keep her own job. I really hope you don’t experience the same, and sorry I don’t have any constructive suggestions for your childcare. Good luck and stay strong during your meeting 😊

I've not managed to read the full thread. But could it be an option for you to extend your days in the days their dad is around to collect and do shorter days on the days you need to pick up (or work through your lunch break?

You know you are going to have to be proactive in finding a solution here

Your company wants to know what you are putting in place, and you do have a lot of obstacles - none of which your company are the slightest bit interested in

Why not advertise for help ? Im sure there's a student of a pensioner out there that can help, for MW. Yes you have to interview, , find references , do trials etc , but its being pro active rather then saying this that and the other isnt available

I have a dog, not children I grant you, but he needs the care that I provide when I need to be away. I have hens and a cat as well, but Ive nurtured a network of locals so I can be away , some we pay, some take eggs and they are now trusted friends

When I was a child back in the 60's, a couple of neighbours would take us in from school till a parent got home . No checks back then , no harm came to us . We got a cuppa tea and a bun, might have to sit and watch whatever was on tv , or be taken to walk the dog or shown how to iron or help dust . Didnt kill us , it was fitting in with the family that was helping out

Do any of the children have an EHCP? If so could they have a social care assessment for direct payments so that you can employ a PA to support after school? They can be hard to come by but not impossible. I’ve worked in a send school where there is no breakfast and after school provision but many of the families do employ PAs.

If no ehcps then do they need one??

Have you considered an au pair, it might be full time help with reduced costs. Also if two of your children have special needs, are they eligible for PIP, it's a benefit designed to support financial needs of special cases.

I admire that you take care of everyone, and I do the same with my husband, support him in a way that he wakes up with a sense of purpose, opposed to only living to pay bills, even if this involves more burden for me sometimes. Nor your employer neither anyone else should comment on this, at least.

Have you considered an au pair, it might be full time help with reduced costs. Also if two of your children have special needs, are they eligible for PIP, it's a benefit designed to support financial needs of special cases.

I admire that you take care of everyone, and I do the same with my husband, support him in a way that he wakes up with a sense of purpose, opposed to only living to pay bills.

OP, don’t know if you’ll be back to the thread but just in case - if you are as indispensable as you say and your company knows this - ask them to pay for the childcare. Advertise locally, don’t look on existing pages, for a SEN support worker with experience working with kids, not a nanny, as as you say you need someone who is extremely competent engaging with and looking after kids with SEN not someone with extensive experience of entertaining and developing toddlers (not dismissing the job etc. just this is not the skill set you need). Now, your company might not agree to that, but it is a viable option of solving the problem, even in short term while you have that huge project to deliver. It might make them realise that sticking to status quo around your work is the better solution. Or if they press on with expecting you to magically solve it than it gives you the knowledge that they don’t think you are as indispensable and sooner or later will want to replace you (so start looking for something that fits better around your caring needs). On a side note, you say that your husband has repeatedly taken on the burden and sacrificed his career for you and you feel like you owe him. This is a lovely sentiment but the truth is, and I’m saying it from the perspective of the parent who sacrificed their career, it is often, especially when kids with additional needs are involved, a one way street, at least until the kids are somewhat self sufficient (including if that never happens). It shouldn’t be that way but the wage differential can completely act against the parent that took the hit, so it might be that you will have to look whether he can take on/adjust his hours more as unfair as that feels.

Can you go part time?

Your husband needs to step up. And if he doesn’t , leave. He sounds horrible. Single parenting can sometimes be easier if you’ve been also parenting a giant man baby who doesn’t help and makes you feel crappy.
If you leave him there’s a good chance you’ll get assistance from the government towards income etc.
And maybe you need to change jobs when that happens. Sounds like a really tricky situation for you, you’ve got so much going on.

This was my thought too.

how many hours do you need to cover OP, is it just the school run and childcare until you get home from work on the days both you and your husband are at work?
its only 2 days since husband will be home fur 3 days right?

Unfortunately the truth is to manage your childcare, which many of us have to do with wraparound care, breakfast and after school clubs. It's awful to do this to our DC i know but you seem to have some flexibility with your and DP hours.

Basically we are paid to do our jobs at stated times and it's not fair for colleagues to see anyone coming late and leaving early.

There are roles which can enable this, office ones mostly, and can wfh to make the hours up?

As a teacher, there's no way I could ask or expect extra consideration because most are in the same situation.

I apologise, have read more, it's s clearly not sustainable unless DP steps up. I was in a similar situation and the best option was me to go PT, which I did and don't regret it at all! Income wise there was a difference of course but paying less tax. Life is much more than work, income and stress. It's difficult when parents both work FT, so going PT for a few years is completely acceptable and beneficial. Xxx

I would imagine the meeting is going to be put op on a PiP with letting go to follow

So, if you have holiday for a week, or had to go off sick for a few weeks for surgery, they'd manage. No-one is completely indispensable, and the world will indeed turn without you, no matter how it feels now.
In my old job, I made a request in 2019, to WAH one day per week, for health reasons. It was turned down by my arsehole old boss, who said I couldn't manage a team remotely. Then lockdown happened, and we all managed it remotely (really well!) for about 18 months in total, so he was proven completely wrong. So, you can manage it. If your team aren't able to work without you there, you have a problem with how you manage, and how things are set up, because even those on minimum wage jobs (no slight - I've done these!) can manage a few hours without constant supervision.... and what happens otherwise when you need/want time off?

As a Manager, if you came into a meeting with me, with all of this minutiae, I'd be saying 'you maybe need to think if this is the job for you.' However, if you came with some reasonable suggestions, I'd do everything I could to work with you and find a solution. I think you either need to pay out some money for a Nanny, no matter the cost (because you'd be financially worse off with no income!), or look at changing your hours. You could potentially make a case for starting earlier, and your husband doing drop offs, so you could be there to do pick ups - which is an arrangement a lot of friends and colleagues have done. So, one of you works 07:00-15:00, and does pick ups; and the other works 09:30-17:30/18:00, depending on your hours to be worked in a week. Also, your hours don't necessarily have to be the same each day, surely? Why couldn't your hours be different on the days you're WAH, for example. Go with some options for solutions, not just problems.

But, by doing this, you're covering up the issues. They SHOULD be going to the department manager with queries. Unless you're on £250k, you shouldn't be 'always on'. I've been in similar situations, where you were expected to look at your work phone when off; it wasn't worth the additional money (which was nowhere near £250k, to be clear!) Can't you see that this means you're really getting no time off? When you're supposed to be on leave (your contractual right), or on unpaid lunch (a statutory requirement), you shouldn't be working at the same time. You will burn out. I promise you. I reiterate; no-one is indispensable.

If there is no suitable childcare then the only option is to ask for a change in hours. Perhaps you should go in with a list of options related to that?

1. Reduce hours on 2 days per week to 8.15 - 14.15 (no lunch break included)
2. Work in the office 8.15 - 14.15, take a break to pick up kids and log back on remotely (ie as you have been doing, but officially).
3. Reduce your hours to 3 days a week.
4. Reduce hours to 3 days a week but make them longer days.
5. Look for another job with the flexibility you need.

The only reference I would make to your home situation is to point out that your DH has negotiated 3 days per week WFH to cover childcare. This leaves 2 days for you to cover. I’m only mentioning this because it wasn’t explicit in your initial posts that that had happened, and as you’ve seen from some of the posts, people get annoyed when it looks like the father’s job is taken as more important.

This but the op needs to be really really clear to her work that reduced hours will be reduced hours. She should list several tasks she won’t be doing under reduced hours.

Her husband does the bulk of the childcare, so how will that help?

Some people clearly don't read the thread!

It is not legal to “work through your lunch break” if you are working for more than 6 hours.

''I've been off when my kids have been sick or when they've needed to be picked up due to behaviour issues etc. And I've worked from home at that time.
My line manager steps in, but frankly, she is difficult to work for, micromanages everyone and generates more unnecessary work for everyone, she cannot be reasoned with and it just makes life hard. I am the "buffer" between her and the team so if I am not there she sticks her nose in, pisses everyone off.''

It seems like OP has taken rather a lot of time of recently, on top of the regularly arriving late in the morning and two afternoons a week of leaving two hours early yet still getting paid for full time hours.

OP herself has said that the company has been both generous and understanding about not docking her pay for the hours she has left early/come in late, but obviously it was meant to be a short term measure.
OP however would like it to continue.

For those suggesting the company pay for a nanny (!) I get the distinct impression that OP is actually in quite a junior roll, in a call centre/factory set up, despite her inflated ego about being completely indispensable.

I would also question how she is making her time up at home, with sick children, two of whom have special needs.