AIBU to wonder what work are expecting me to do?

[FriskyHeeler]

I've worked at my current employer for 3 years and recently had a change in circumstances (in February) which means I have no childcare for my 3 children after school for 1-2 days out of the week. They have been understanding and accomodated my needs so far but have asked me to look at what realistic options are available and have called a meeting for next week to discuss, as the situation is not sustainable long term. I'll outline the facts below, please read carefully because it's not as simple a solution as most people seem to think.

• I work 8.30 - 5pm Monday to Friday and it takes me 30 mins to get to and from work.
• My husband works 8 - 4.30 Monday to Friday, his office is an hour away and he works from home on Thursdays and Fridays. Soon to be 3 days a week. He used to work nights, so would drop off and pick up the kids each day, however the strain on family life, our relationship, his mental health was not sustainable and he had numerous breakdowns over a long period of time and he changed jobs. Not ideal but I won't make my husband do a job he hated when it made him want to kill himself every day. He can be quite volatile and in the past this has affected work when he last left for periods of time so I've been left to sort the kids 100% of the time, at times. Work know things are rocky and my line manager thinks I should leave him but this would only make the situation more difficult.
• Our kids are 3, 5 & 9. The 3 & 5 year olds attend the same school/nursery and the 9 year old attends a different school.
• 2 out of the 3 kids have special needs and are settled in their schools. They previously attended the same primary school but had serious issues so we had to move them.
• Both schools have breakfast club, 1 starts at 7.50 and the other at 8.10, this obviously means I am often 10 mins late to work on the days they are in club.
• Neither school has ANY after school provision.
• We unfortunately live in an area where wrap around care isn't in demand, so options are pretty non existent.
• There are no childminders in the area that currently or are willing to pick up from either/both of their schools.
• Their are a couple of local nurseries that do after school club and they collect the kids from school and walk back to their premises. 1 of my kids is a flight risk so I do not feel comfortable with this as an option. He has escaped and ran off from his old school twice before.
• We cannot afford a nanny, prices are between £15 - 20 and hour when I have enquired and tbh, given my kids additional needs, I don't think anyone would last a week with them, they are VERY full on.
• My dad can collect the kids 1 day a week at an absolute push but it's his only day off and if he has plans it's not a given he can do it, I don't expect him to plan his life around MY kids. My dad works the other 4 days a week and my mom doesn't work but has stopped driving for health reasons so cannot pick them up and she is not physically able to walk/get the bus etc and as previously stated, 1 of them is a flight risk and she wouldnt be able to run after him if needed. A taxi for her to pick them up and go back to hers would be far too expensive multiple times a week as she has done this once before in an emergency and it was £30 for one pick up, let alone 2.
• There are no other parents at either of their schools that we know well enough to ask. We have no other friends or family in the area at all, aside from my mom and dad.
• So far, on days where my husband is in the office, I finish work at 14:40, pick up the kids from school and then log on at home for the remainder of the day, sometimes beyond 5pm.
• I am a supervisor and our team is growing and I will be responsible for up to 12 people eventually so work are saying I cannot effectively supervise if I am not in the office. We also have a lot of new team members (one being another supervisor) who are not fully trained so things tend to fall to shit a lot of them time if I am not there.
• Not to toot my own horn but i am the glue that holds the entire team together, and effectively, if I were to leave because I need more long term flexibility, they would be absolutely fucked. My line manager and our department manager knows this all too well, but are still pressuring me to find some magical solution that doesn't exist so I can be there 8.30-5 every single day. They've not said they will get rid of me, and I don't think they would, but they're saying I need to work my hours I am employed to do. I agree with this and have no issues with that, I've often said I will taken leave, take the time unpaid etc and they have always said no.
• I could put in a flexible working request to reduce my hours 1-2 days a week, but it would actually be a waste of time, as they can and would refuse it for a legitimate business reason.

I don't know what to do or what I'm supposed to say during this meeting. If you've thought of something I haven't explored above then please please let me know. I'm obviously going to explain all of the above in detail about what I've looked into and why it's not a viable option and see what they say. I'm also considering telling them I'm looking else where for something more flexible in the hope that they back down, but I don't actually want to leave, I really do enjoy working there and don't want to jump ship and end up being somewhere I don't like, or having to take a pay cut that I can't really afford.

i think whatever you plan to say, they will have plans

what will you do when your dad is not available?

There really is a lack of support for patents with children who have additional needs ☹️

I don't know what you do but they think you have to be there to supervise people? So people are doing physical jobs versus office-based roles?

I'd review affordability. Ergo can you afford not to work? Can you cut you spending on other things? I'm assuming the kids get Pip, if so, that's what Pip is for, to fund their additional needs, it's not family income.

Ref DH and your kids, he's your DH and needs to step in. You're a blended family.

The only option is nursery. Flight risk is a challenge but there must be a solution to it. See what resources are available to manage it. As I said assuming the kids get pip, that's what that money is for.

Ref the discussion at work. Can they tell you what you are not now doing that means you are less effective when you wfh? Keep the conversation on delivery of the role not presence at the workplace. I hope you can resolve this and don't find yourself unemployed.

What's getting missed in this thread is that OP has been consistently coming in to work late...it may just be 10 minutes or so, but 10 minutes or so for a few days every week adds up.
OP is also leaving work at 2.40pm instead of 4.30pm for two afternoons every single week, yet still getting paid full time.
She says her boss has been understanding about this for months and has refused to pro rata her pay down.
Which is very generous of them.
So any 'extra' work' OP is doing in her lunch break is not really extra when she is constantly not working her contracted hours...yet still getting paid for them.
Understandably (for the company) they want to discuss this as it was clearly only meant tk be a temporary solution.
But OP thinks this is the company being unreasonable because she cannot organise/want to pay for appropriate childcare.
Or take on board any suggestions.
Which suggests she doesn't see why she should work her contracted hours because...childcare...

I think proposing the long days 3 days per week is the best solution - but I’d stop answering emails on my days off….

what was so serious that got your child banned from school clubs? What are you going to do to deal with that?

If her team can't be trusted.. that may well be the issue. Why has the OP got an incompetent team?

I have multiple staff below me, all of whom can step up with just a little guidance. If my kids are sick I just send a few emails to the various staff saying what needs to be done today and when I might be contactable.... and they get on with it. I have spent a lot of time training them accordingly so that my job is less stressful. I have only one current staff member who is inadequate, we put in place a Personal Improvement Plan.. which didn't work out and she will be leaving when her contract is up soon.

It's very hard to work flexibly if you can't rely on a good team to get on with work while you are gone for a few hours. So if the department is struggling because the OP wants flexible working she needs to train her team better.

It's still going through gradually. A number of parts don't come in until January next year. ACAS has a summary on their site.

What do you mean re DH? I'm not sure i understand. They aren't a blended family.. he is the kids father from what I gather. Also he will.be doing the childcare 3 days a week, how would he step in more?

I think your proposed hours are fair - however, I also think you need to go in with a strong proposal for
what happens when you aren’t there on the short day.

Who covers you?
What training do they need?
How and when will that be delivered?
What monitoring or check points will you put in place to make sure it’s working?
What will you then do if it’s not?

As an employer I’d want to know what you’ll
be doing to prevent the ‘when I’m out it all goes to shit’

Exactly, they are not making anything their problem - what they are in fact doing is going through all the preparatory steps to dismiss without the risk of comeback.

I know you're probably snowed, but don't wait for the school to put in for your son's EHCP. You can request as a parent and the LA have to consider need in the same way as if the school had applied. It speeds the whole process up as a countdown clock starts ticking (20 weeks I think, but check) as soon as you apply, so the LA will then be chasing the school. Without an EHCP getting extra help is almost impossible. Your council will have a semi-independent dept to help parents called Sendias. Book an appointment with them to fill in the forms and be sure to mention the transport needs on the basis of him running into the road (not your work). It should all be on your LA's website too. You have my sympathy with the childcare issue. I have twins, one autistic, and enough cash to pay for childcare, but it's almost impossible to find anyone suitable and I live in a big city. Let's face it, they are hard work and most babysitters can get the same money from an easier gig. Calling ACAS before the meeting is a good idea... They have a helpline (0300 123 1100) and have been really helpful when I've called in the past. Also, having been in the same working situation, you do develop a sort of Stockholm Syndrome. You need to slowly dig yourself out of this. Start by committing to taking your lunches every day on your normal working days. Use them to do life admin or just going for a walk. It's your time, not the company's. Then, instead of checking your phone all day on your days off, schedule two times... Once before lunch and once much later, and only look at those times. You need to slowly wean yourself and the company off this pattern that's been created. I know it's hard, but they want to keep you because it makes their lives easier. If that balance changes, there will be no loyalty. And who wants their epitaph to be she was a great middle manager... Take it slowly but change your mindset. Be polite but very firm about your need for flexible working. Sure the bosses might prefer you didn't, but so what? Flexible means them flexing too. A new mindset will protect you better in the long run. And good luck. X

''Start by committing to taking your lunches every day on your normal working days. Use them to do life admin or just going for a walk. It's your time, not the company's.''

But OP is currently getting paid for nearly two hours a day, twice a week, that she isn't working, plus constantly arriving late by10 minutes or so.

This is the company's time, as OP has stated that they (very generously) haven't pro rata'd her pay down to reflect this, despite it going on for months now.

So OP working through a couple of her lunch breaks isn't really doing extra.

Obviously, from the company's viewpoint, this was only ever meant to be a temporary arrangement, hence the meeting.

perhaps they will reduce your hours?
as i said, i am sure they already have their own plan up their sleeve
and you mention they have taken on another senior person

Yes exactly and OP is adamant that she’s completely indispensable and the team falls apart without her. You have to wonder why the rest of the team is so crap - probably because they’re not getting trained properly.

Don’t be ridiculous. Why should they pay for the OP’s nanny? They didn’t impregnate her.

I would do this - but not have a lunch on the two short days (so you work six hours each day instead of 5.5h, you don’t need a break for six hours work, only more than).

And cut the lunch on the three days to 20 minutes.

@FriskyHeeler I think that you need to be seriously looking for alternate employment. This looks to me like they know everything that @keepincool said earlier (which was a very good summary), and are already forming their position of why it will not be possible.

I hope I am wrong, and that they facilitate a solution more to your hopes / expectations, however I have seen this play out many times.

It would be sensible for you to have a contingency plan should this not work out well, especially as you appear to be quite financially challenged at the moment. The job market is tough and it is always easier to get a job from a job.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

You also have to wonder why they are not paying her enough to pay for childcare and are also not falling over themselves to accommodate her in every way possible.

I guess they don’t think she’s as indispensable as she thinks she is….

Yes it IS ridiculous. So they're going to have to compromise on her flexible hours aren't they?

Or they expect op to solve her childcare issues.

I know right? This is crazy. Since when do work pay for childcare?

Ordinary jobs I'm talking about, there might be CEOs of global companies who get childcare as part of their package, but this is not the reality for 99.9999% of us.

No, they expect her to do her job, which due to lack of childcare she currently can't.

Op doesn't seem like she wants to reduce her hours, but be allowed to start late and WFH whilst supervising her 3 DC one of whom is unsuitable for nursery due to care needs. How can she work to full capacity?

They're not obliged to flex her work as he's currently NOT meeting the needs of her existing role. She could request reduce her working days to accommodate her childcare issues but this will mean a reduction in salary if she is only able to work without supervising DC for a few hours a day

I hope it all works out op.

Turns out his Dad is a director of the company.