AIBU to wonder what work are expecting me to do?

[FriskyHeeler]

I've worked at my current employer for 3 years and recently had a change in circumstances (in February) which means I have no childcare for my 3 children after school for 1-2 days out of the week. They have been understanding and accomodated my needs so far but have asked me to look at what realistic options are available and have called a meeting for next week to discuss, as the situation is not sustainable long term. I'll outline the facts below, please read carefully because it's not as simple a solution as most people seem to think.

• I work 8.30 - 5pm Monday to Friday and it takes me 30 mins to get to and from work.
• My husband works 8 - 4.30 Monday to Friday, his office is an hour away and he works from home on Thursdays and Fridays. Soon to be 3 days a week. He used to work nights, so would drop off and pick up the kids each day, however the strain on family life, our relationship, his mental health was not sustainable and he had numerous breakdowns over a long period of time and he changed jobs. Not ideal but I won't make my husband do a job he hated when it made him want to kill himself every day. He can be quite volatile and in the past this has affected work when he last left for periods of time so I've been left to sort the kids 100% of the time, at times. Work know things are rocky and my line manager thinks I should leave him but this would only make the situation more difficult.
• Our kids are 3, 5 & 9. The 3 & 5 year olds attend the same school/nursery and the 9 year old attends a different school.
• 2 out of the 3 kids have special needs and are settled in their schools. They previously attended the same primary school but had serious issues so we had to move them.
• Both schools have breakfast club, 1 starts at 7.50 and the other at 8.10, this obviously means I am often 10 mins late to work on the days they are in club.
• Neither school has ANY after school provision.
• We unfortunately live in an area where wrap around care isn't in demand, so options are pretty non existent.
• There are no childminders in the area that currently or are willing to pick up from either/both of their schools.
• Their are a couple of local nurseries that do after school club and they collect the kids from school and walk back to their premises. 1 of my kids is a flight risk so I do not feel comfortable with this as an option. He has escaped and ran off from his old school twice before.
• We cannot afford a nanny, prices are between £15 - 20 and hour when I have enquired and tbh, given my kids additional needs, I don't think anyone would last a week with them, they are VERY full on.
• My dad can collect the kids 1 day a week at an absolute push but it's his only day off and if he has plans it's not a given he can do it, I don't expect him to plan his life around MY kids. My dad works the other 4 days a week and my mom doesn't work but has stopped driving for health reasons so cannot pick them up and she is not physically able to walk/get the bus etc and as previously stated, 1 of them is a flight risk and she wouldnt be able to run after him if needed. A taxi for her to pick them up and go back to hers would be far too expensive multiple times a week as she has done this once before in an emergency and it was £30 for one pick up, let alone 2.
• There are no other parents at either of their schools that we know well enough to ask. We have no other friends or family in the area at all, aside from my mom and dad.
• So far, on days where my husband is in the office, I finish work at 14:40, pick up the kids from school and then log on at home for the remainder of the day, sometimes beyond 5pm.
• I am a supervisor and our team is growing and I will be responsible for up to 12 people eventually so work are saying I cannot effectively supervise if I am not in the office. We also have a lot of new team members (one being another supervisor) who are not fully trained so things tend to fall to shit a lot of them time if I am not there.
• Not to toot my own horn but i am the glue that holds the entire team together, and effectively, if I were to leave because I need more long term flexibility, they would be absolutely fucked. My line manager and our department manager knows this all too well, but are still pressuring me to find some magical solution that doesn't exist so I can be there 8.30-5 every single day. They've not said they will get rid of me, and I don't think they would, but they're saying I need to work my hours I am employed to do. I agree with this and have no issues with that, I've often said I will taken leave, take the time unpaid etc and they have always said no.
• I could put in a flexible working request to reduce my hours 1-2 days a week, but it would actually be a waste of time, as they can and would refuse it for a legitimate business reason.

I don't know what to do or what I'm supposed to say during this meeting. If you've thought of something I haven't explored above then please please let me know. I'm obviously going to explain all of the above in detail about what I've looked into and why it's not a viable option and see what they say. I'm also considering telling them I'm looking else where for something more flexible in the hope that they back down, but I don't actually want to leave, I really do enjoy working there and don't want to jump ship and end up being somewhere I don't like, or having to take a pay cut that I can't really afford.

Offer that they pay for a nanny 😂😂😂

This was when I first started, I've had a promotion and several pay rises since then. I was just making a point to the post about not having a good run or free or no childcare.

I feel for you op. Childcare is one of the biggest stresses. I really hope you find a solution.

My eldest doesn't yet, because his last school didn't submit the paperwork when they said they did, and I stupidly believed them. His new school won't submit one until he'd been at the school for a certain period of time because they didn't know him until September and had no evidence they could submit.

We've applied for the middle one recently. Does anybody know what the criteria is for school transport? I don't know if he'd be eligible.

It really really is. Thank you. I think negotiating flexibility with work is going to be the ideal situation rather than trying to find potential multiple childcare solutions that could end up being short lived anyway. Not to be a pesimist, but all 3 kids have been asked to leave childcare at one time or another, so even if I did find this magical unicorn childcare, it's not to say it would even work out in the long term.

You can request an EHCNA yourself now. On their website IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

You don’t need an EHCP to be eligible for transport. There are different ways of qualifying. For compulsory school aged DC, one way is via distance, if DC are attending the nearest suitable school and the shortest suitable walking distance is more than 2 miles for DC2 and 3 miles for DC1 they would be eligible. Another way is if they can’t reasonably be expected to walk to school because of their SEN whatever the distance. You would still need someone at home to meet the transport, though.

I haven’t read all of the replies so apologise if this has already been said. But for your children with SEND, do they have a care package (direct payments) that could be used to employ someone from their school on a regular basis to provide after school care? Even if they don’t have direct payments it might be worth contacting their schools to see if anyone would be able to provide after school support.

I’m confused by this last paragraph. You can’t use this other holiday childcare provider, because when they ran the wraparound care at your children’s previous school, they made ‘accusations’ to social services about your children - I presume this means they reported concerns to social services, which were then found to be baseless. Your DH then told your childrens’ new school about the issues you’d had with this holiday childcare company, and the company found out that he’d done this and sent a cease and desist letter? How did they find out? It seems like an over the top reaction to comments from a disgruntled parent.

And she’s taken a week off in June when the children will be in school. How are the holidays being covered?

I feel for you. Been there, with a husband that’s works away m-f.
Before Covid my boss refused any wfh despite doing it himself twice a week for childcare.
I second the poster talking about going in with solutions. If you are not a customer facing role, flexing your hours across the week sounds like a reasonable solution. One I do accept in my team.
Is banking time an option? So working extra hours to take them off another time?

I wouldn’t share any more personal info about your husband. It makes them think it’s a topic up for discussion.

Don't think she's thought that far ahead unfortunately

Sorry OP but everyone is replaceable! I work in a very niche role and am top of my game. I’d stick my neck out and say in the short term I’d be incredibly hard to replace. The company I work for would struggle if I left but there are others with the right attitude and transferable skills that could reach my level with a bit of time.

You cannot expect them to bend for you, you’ll need to work out what commitment you can give and get your pay prorated to match but don’t disregard that they can manage you out over time

I've read your posts OP and the main thing that strikes me is that you come across as thinking you are in a unique position. The reality is your situation is one a great number of us have found ourselves in.
Leaving your DH out of it, your choice is the same as so many of us had to make - either pay too much for childcare or go part-time.

You have been lucky so far in that your workplace have accommodated you. They have now said they won't continue to do this. I imagine they will be very aware that if they allow one person to do it, then others will want the same flexibility.

You are not irreplaceable. None of us are......

I feel you OP and it's why I've stayed in a very flexible job but with no progression for nearly a decade. It's miserable to reflect on that.

You may need to find another job offering you more flex if they won't compromise.

He finds it difficult to work from home with them but he does it anyway

He isn't working if he's looking after children aged 3, 5 & 9.

Have you looked at the option of a PA for your children? They don’t need to be qualified as a nanny or childminder and many do PA work for several people so don’t mind odd days etc.

DS can’t attend after school club due to his needs and no childminder would have him. But a PA supports 2-3 days a week after school to help us work.

Also you could ask for an assessment for social services. We’re being assessed for a package of funded care to include 1 day per week after school, 1 days per week of holiday care and 1 weekend day ever few weeks.

Really sad how some people on this thread seem to think a workplace just does not need to be flexible. They pay you for work, they don't own you and you don't owe them your soul. Doesn't sound like OP is a casualty nurse or something, it's so old-fashioned to act like she's asking for the moon here

This rather suggests you haven't read all of OP's posts, @Velumental
Far from the employers not being flexible she's said several times just how helpful they've been, to the point where I wonder if she thought this would just continue for ever

However this just isn't realistic once a point's reached when there's no more to give and the job they're paying for still needs doing - hence probably the meeting

Think you've tagged the wrong person as I 100% agree with you

OP confirmed as much at 16.37, saying that she has no idea what they'll do with the middle child in the summer holidays

Honestly regardless of what you think. No one is irreplaceable and they are really just asking you to work your contracted hours .. you seem to think they're being unreasonable.
I would think the fact that the are calling you for a meeting means you are perhaps less valuable than you might think.
Tread Carefully here so you don't talk yourself out of a job .

I’m also confused by the children having significant additional needs that they can’t go to wraparound care but not so significant that they can’t be left unsupervised whilst parents work from home

Genuine and very sincere apologies, @Velumental ... it was indeed my mistake and my reply was meant for @Thisle

No apology needed you were making a very polite point 💕

Dare I say.... Ask Chatgpt to bullet point every single option you're going to present to them both in terms of what works for you, and for them. Go into the meeting with the bullet points. Hope you can talk them into something.

1. You negotiate a WFH situation for you on the two days your husband is in office.
2. You negotiate more flexibility around working hours - if they absolutely need you in office 5 days a week, and for three of those your husband can do drop offs and pick ups, then for 2 days you start at 9 and finish early to pick them up and WFH later on.
3. You negotiate more flexibility around working hours - if they absolutely need you in office 5 days a week, and for three of those your husband can do drop offs and pick ups, then for 2 days you start at 9 and finish early, sacrificing maybe 5 hours a week?

There are solutions. They may not be perfect, but you won't need it forever. This is short-term.