AIBU to wonder what work are expecting me to do?

[FriskyHeeler]

I've worked at my current employer for 3 years and recently had a change in circumstances (in February) which means I have no childcare for my 3 children after school for 1-2 days out of the week. They have been understanding and accomodated my needs so far but have asked me to look at what realistic options are available and have called a meeting for next week to discuss, as the situation is not sustainable long term. I'll outline the facts below, please read carefully because it's not as simple a solution as most people seem to think.

• I work 8.30 - 5pm Monday to Friday and it takes me 30 mins to get to and from work.
• My husband works 8 - 4.30 Monday to Friday, his office is an hour away and he works from home on Thursdays and Fridays. Soon to be 3 days a week. He used to work nights, so would drop off and pick up the kids each day, however the strain on family life, our relationship, his mental health was not sustainable and he had numerous breakdowns over a long period of time and he changed jobs. Not ideal but I won't make my husband do a job he hated when it made him want to kill himself every day. He can be quite volatile and in the past this has affected work when he last left for periods of time so I've been left to sort the kids 100% of the time, at times. Work know things are rocky and my line manager thinks I should leave him but this would only make the situation more difficult.
• Our kids are 3, 5 & 9. The 3 & 5 year olds attend the same school/nursery and the 9 year old attends a different school.
• 2 out of the 3 kids have special needs and are settled in their schools. They previously attended the same primary school but had serious issues so we had to move them.
• Both schools have breakfast club, 1 starts at 7.50 and the other at 8.10, this obviously means I am often 10 mins late to work on the days they are in club.
• Neither school has ANY after school provision.
• We unfortunately live in an area where wrap around care isn't in demand, so options are pretty non existent.
• There are no childminders in the area that currently or are willing to pick up from either/both of their schools.
• Their are a couple of local nurseries that do after school club and they collect the kids from school and walk back to their premises. 1 of my kids is a flight risk so I do not feel comfortable with this as an option. He has escaped and ran off from his old school twice before.
• We cannot afford a nanny, prices are between £15 - 20 and hour when I have enquired and tbh, given my kids additional needs, I don't think anyone would last a week with them, they are VERY full on.
• My dad can collect the kids 1 day a week at an absolute push but it's his only day off and if he has plans it's not a given he can do it, I don't expect him to plan his life around MY kids. My dad works the other 4 days a week and my mom doesn't work but has stopped driving for health reasons so cannot pick them up and she is not physically able to walk/get the bus etc and as previously stated, 1 of them is a flight risk and she wouldnt be able to run after him if needed. A taxi for her to pick them up and go back to hers would be far too expensive multiple times a week as she has done this once before in an emergency and it was £30 for one pick up, let alone 2.
• There are no other parents at either of their schools that we know well enough to ask. We have no other friends or family in the area at all, aside from my mom and dad.
• So far, on days where my husband is in the office, I finish work at 14:40, pick up the kids from school and then log on at home for the remainder of the day, sometimes beyond 5pm.
• I am a supervisor and our team is growing and I will be responsible for up to 12 people eventually so work are saying I cannot effectively supervise if I am not in the office. We also have a lot of new team members (one being another supervisor) who are not fully trained so things tend to fall to shit a lot of them time if I am not there.
• Not to toot my own horn but i am the glue that holds the entire team together, and effectively, if I were to leave because I need more long term flexibility, they would be absolutely fucked. My line manager and our department manager knows this all too well, but are still pressuring me to find some magical solution that doesn't exist so I can be there 8.30-5 every single day. They've not said they will get rid of me, and I don't think they would, but they're saying I need to work my hours I am employed to do. I agree with this and have no issues with that, I've often said I will taken leave, take the time unpaid etc and they have always said no.
• I could put in a flexible working request to reduce my hours 1-2 days a week, but it would actually be a waste of time, as they can and would refuse it for a legitimate business reason.

I don't know what to do or what I'm supposed to say during this meeting. If you've thought of something I haven't explored above then please please let me know. I'm obviously going to explain all of the above in detail about what I've looked into and why it's not a viable option and see what they say. I'm also considering telling them I'm looking else where for something more flexible in the hope that they back down, but I don't actually want to leave, I really do enjoy working there and don't want to jump ship and end up being somewhere I don't like, or having to take a pay cut that I can't really afford.

Breakfast clubs are something all working parents need for their kids so doesn't really come under DLA usage. For us if we would need it regardless we don't count it as DLA expenditure. So we run a second car, not a mobility vehicle, a cheap second hand runaround, and we pay for a few memberships for activities that help him regulate and have SEN activities but also include summer school club as we send him for maintaining routine rather than just childcare. My point being you are being obtuse about paying more for childcare.e

The advice you don't want to take is 'your childcare situation can be overcome but will cost significant money' but that just is the case so accept that or change jobs. Those are your options. That's what your employer is getting at

Have you got a disability pushchair for the flight risk child? That can be used by the wrap around provider.

@FriskyHeeler did you spot my post saying that you can get help with paying for childcare for disabled children while you are working?

Which is cheaper - £500 for the nanny or the reduction in yours and/or DH's salaries by dropping hours? I would (and have) pick whichever one is cheaper and which still allows you both to keep your jobs. Though in your specific example I would start looking for a new job anyway, as your workplace sounds awful.

For your DC who is a flight risk, if you think it is just the journey that is the issue, have you considered reins/harness &/or a wheelchair/SN buggy?

Have you looked at PAs rather than a nanny?

Have you had social care assessments? Carer assessments for you and DH and assessment via the children with disabilities team for your 2 DC with additional needs.

Most nannies are found through word of mouth/ networking
Granted they wont want to do just 1-2 days post school for a couple of hours but you might find someone who would be glad of the extra work .
Im not really sure what you want from the thread though?
People are trying to help and in effect you need a couple of hours CC per week only
I think asking around would be your best bet.

It's been said previously but when they say they want to explore options I think that means the work pattern that would compensate for you not being there two days a week at particular times during the day. If I was you I would look for another job. You're in a very tricky situation and where you work doesn't sound that great tbh.

This seems like good advice to me

We have not afterschool here either. Since having my daughter i have asked my work to work 6-2, so i can pick her up and my husband works 8:30-4:30 and does school drop off. Would this be a possibility on your husband office days? Could he go in super early instead of staying late? Our daughter has sen and wouldn't be ok in afterschool or holiday clubs, so it feels a bit like military operation daily but we make it work .

I haven’t had time to read the full thread so forgive me if this has been mentioned. If your children have SEND, you may be entitled to direct payments which you could use to pay for specialist childcare. You could contact your children with disabilities service at your local council to see what they offer. It may be on the local offer page of your local council website (although it probably won’t be as it’s often not promoted).

I’m disappointed to read the first replies on this thread. Where’s the support for a woman trying to juggle work and family life? It’s incredibly difficult, even more so when your children have additional needs. As a society we need to do better to support families.

Ah, ok, that's rough. I don't think there's a resolution to that part of the problem then.

You said your husband has been picking up night shifts at his old job. I think you also stated that DH could reduce his hours at the new job. If so, could he drop a day at the new job and do a couple of night shifts? Doesn't have to be forever.

He took a pay cut, so obviously nights pays better. It might free up some childcare time or bring in some extra money to pay for it. I've done nights. It's hard to do several in a row, much easier in isolation. It's not ideal but you need to come up with something

That only helps if the childcare exists.

Really sad how some people on this thread seem to think a workplace just does not need to be flexible. They pay you for work, they don't own you and you don't owe them your soul. Doesn't sound like OP is a casualty nurse or something, it's so old-fashioned to act like she's asking for the moon here.

Also funny the number of people (probably Londoners and South-Easterners) who don't seem to get that there are plenty of places in the UK where hiring a nanny just isn't possible because no-one does it and no-one within a feasible distance actually wants that work. Presuming there's uni students even living within a distance that would make it worthwhile them taking that work.

You could look at a PA for children with SEND role rather than a nanny or childminder with the direct payments (just opens up another potential group of people) - although still could be difficult to find. Sometimes TAs working part time in specialist schools do it.

The childcare does exist you’re just not willing to try it.

You do realise most parents are in the same boat with one parent basically working for the price of childcare? It's just what happens when kids are small and need full time care... its not a "bad run".

I do know that, I'm just clarifying that I've not had a good run of free or no childcare?

It sounds like they HAVE been flexible for a couple of months though.

Which is absolutely normal. I paid for 8 years of nursery and 10 years of after school club in total. Nothing unusual about that.

I think you need to condense it down in to what you can do, not what you can't.

So focus on
On x days I can work x hours
On x day I need to finish at x time
And see if your work pattern can be adjusted accordingly

You cannot work from home and supervise 3 children as sole adult at the same time, sorry, but you just can't. There are health and safety implications, also you would not be goving 100% either to work or your children.

Squirrelchops1 makes a great suggestion

I know?! The original poster I was responding to said I'd had a good run of no/free childcare, I responded to that comment clarifying I in fact, hadn't!? What is that so difficult to understand?

Can you clarify what you’re earning. £1800 after tax doesn’t sound like you’re earning enough to be selling your soul and doing the hours you’re doing. I assumed your contract was 37.5 hours before but if it is actual 40 you should be getting a higher rate for that.

Could you get an SEN buggy for the child who is a flight risk?

Also do the two children with SEN have EHCPs? You could ask for a review and request school transport. Obviously the timings in the morning would need to be worked out and in the afternoon they could be dropped at the nursery whilst your eldest is walked by nursery staff.

If you are invaluable to the company, you should angle for a decent payrise.

Ultimately, children and childcare cost money. Has your husband looked at work on the side to make up the pay cut he's taken? Or come out of work and claim disability benefits for his mental health? While I understand coming off nightshifts, they are truly awful, you must have considered the finacial viability of this situation before. Obviously the job market is not great at the moment, but from what I can see you both need to start looking for a more tenable solution.

I am not entirely sure what you want out of this thread.