AIBU to wonder what work are expecting me to do?

[FriskyHeeler]

I've worked at my current employer for 3 years and recently had a change in circumstances (in February) which means I have no childcare for my 3 children after school for 1-2 days out of the week. They have been understanding and accomodated my needs so far but have asked me to look at what realistic options are available and have called a meeting for next week to discuss, as the situation is not sustainable long term. I'll outline the facts below, please read carefully because it's not as simple a solution as most people seem to think.

• I work 8.30 - 5pm Monday to Friday and it takes me 30 mins to get to and from work.
• My husband works 8 - 4.30 Monday to Friday, his office is an hour away and he works from home on Thursdays and Fridays. Soon to be 3 days a week. He used to work nights, so would drop off and pick up the kids each day, however the strain on family life, our relationship, his mental health was not sustainable and he had numerous breakdowns over a long period of time and he changed jobs. Not ideal but I won't make my husband do a job he hated when it made him want to kill himself every day. He can be quite volatile and in the past this has affected work when he last left for periods of time so I've been left to sort the kids 100% of the time, at times. Work know things are rocky and my line manager thinks I should leave him but this would only make the situation more difficult.
• Our kids are 3, 5 & 9. The 3 & 5 year olds attend the same school/nursery and the 9 year old attends a different school.
• 2 out of the 3 kids have special needs and are settled in their schools. They previously attended the same primary school but had serious issues so we had to move them.
• Both schools have breakfast club, 1 starts at 7.50 and the other at 8.10, this obviously means I am often 10 mins late to work on the days they are in club.
• Neither school has ANY after school provision.
• We unfortunately live in an area where wrap around care isn't in demand, so options are pretty non existent.
• There are no childminders in the area that currently or are willing to pick up from either/both of their schools.
• Their are a couple of local nurseries that do after school club and they collect the kids from school and walk back to their premises. 1 of my kids is a flight risk so I do not feel comfortable with this as an option. He has escaped and ran off from his old school twice before.
• We cannot afford a nanny, prices are between £15 - 20 and hour when I have enquired and tbh, given my kids additional needs, I don't think anyone would last a week with them, they are VERY full on.
• My dad can collect the kids 1 day a week at an absolute push but it's his only day off and if he has plans it's not a given he can do it, I don't expect him to plan his life around MY kids. My dad works the other 4 days a week and my mom doesn't work but has stopped driving for health reasons so cannot pick them up and she is not physically able to walk/get the bus etc and as previously stated, 1 of them is a flight risk and she wouldnt be able to run after him if needed. A taxi for her to pick them up and go back to hers would be far too expensive multiple times a week as she has done this once before in an emergency and it was £30 for one pick up, let alone 2.
• There are no other parents at either of their schools that we know well enough to ask. We have no other friends or family in the area at all, aside from my mom and dad.
• So far, on days where my husband is in the office, I finish work at 14:40, pick up the kids from school and then log on at home for the remainder of the day, sometimes beyond 5pm.
• I am a supervisor and our team is growing and I will be responsible for up to 12 people eventually so work are saying I cannot effectively supervise if I am not in the office. We also have a lot of new team members (one being another supervisor) who are not fully trained so things tend to fall to shit a lot of them time if I am not there.
• Not to toot my own horn but i am the glue that holds the entire team together, and effectively, if I were to leave because I need more long term flexibility, they would be absolutely fucked. My line manager and our department manager knows this all too well, but are still pressuring me to find some magical solution that doesn't exist so I can be there 8.30-5 every single day. They've not said they will get rid of me, and I don't think they would, but they're saying I need to work my hours I am employed to do. I agree with this and have no issues with that, I've often said I will taken leave, take the time unpaid etc and they have always said no.
• I could put in a flexible working request to reduce my hours 1-2 days a week, but it would actually be a waste of time, as they can and would refuse it for a legitimate business reason.

I don't know what to do or what I'm supposed to say during this meeting. If you've thought of something I haven't explored above then please please let me know. I'm obviously going to explain all of the above in detail about what I've looked into and why it's not a viable option and see what they say. I'm also considering telling them I'm looking else where for something more flexible in the hope that they back down, but I don't actually want to leave, I really do enjoy working there and don't want to jump ship and end up being somewhere I don't like, or having to take a pay cut that I can't really afford.

Probably an unpopular opinion but this is what I think:

1. Focus on your career - if you are good at your job and enjoy your role, put your effort into this, progressing and increasing you salary.
2. use husband for some childcare and ensure he shows some flexibility to. If he doesn't, and you aren't happy in your relationship as you have implied, then leave, he isn't contributing so it may actually make things easier.
3. invest in a nanny to take the pressure off yourself. short term financial pain for ultimate sanity and career gain. and better quality time with the children.

Regarding the financials, the reason we can't afford regular childcare, is because our outgoings are very high in comparison to our earnings. We have unfortunately not been very financially responsible in the past and we are paying for it now. I can't reduce our outgoings any further and with 3 kids to find holiday childcare for, we don't have much additional money for fun stuff. My husband picks up a shift here and there from his old nights job so we can afford to pay for food and fuel.

I get cutting my hours would cost me money. What I'm more inclined to want to do is as some people have suggested in still doing 40 hours a week, but starting earlier when my husband is working from home so there is no drop in pay.

I think you are trying to make it work’s problem. That’s the wrong approach. Your arrangements are for you to sort

I've had 24 years of childcare problems OP. So I'm coming at this from an angle of having to be as creative as possible. Quite honestly, I don't know how I've got through these years. I too have a child with additional needs. He's 13 now. I have him and a 10 year old at home. I still have childcare for both. My childminder closed with no notice last summer. And as you probably know, childcare for secondary age kids doesn't exist. But mine needed it.
So, I put something on Facebook asking if anyone would be interested in babysitting 3 days a week. One of the parents from my 13 year olds class from primary responded and really wanted to do it. She is a carer for her child, getting carers allowance. So cash babysitting suited her brilliantly. I pay £10 an hour as the going babysitting rate here. Yes it's below min wage, but that's what babysitters are charging here. She's happy as it's cash in her pocket.
It's worth looking at babysitting options.

Your employer is legally obliged to consider your request for flexitime. I think you should get advice from ACAS and Maternity Action, because it sounds like there are 3 problems - your childcare problems, your employers attitude towards flexitime, and your supervisor. You only have control over the first issue, you need help with the second two.

maternityaction.org.uk/advice/child-friendly-working-hours/

You advertise. You approach an agency. You put out every feeler and contact you have. There is someone out there who will want the job.

What do you do in the holidays?

Employers are only legally expected to consider flexible working, they are under no obligation to grant it.

They are obliged to consider it if there is a business case. They aren’t obliged to grant it if there was a good reason.

It’s not the employer’s responsibility to bend over backwards for you just because your circumstances have changed. I’m sure they will try to help but you would be better off getting another job

This post expresses what I’ve struggled to articulate. If you lead a team that only functions properly when you are there, your team would be identified as high-risk by any management consultant worth their salt. No well-run business will be happy to sustain that level of uncertainty long-term, presumably that’s why they’re wanting to resolve the situation with you.

Honestly, I wish you the best of luck finding a solution but I do think you may be overestimating your perceived value to the business at this point.

How dare your manager tell you leave your husband if he is suicidal! If I had mental health needs, I don't know what my husband would do if his boss told him to leave me.
Apart from how nasty this is (potentially letting your kids grow up knowing they lost their dad this way, and maybe blaming you), it's stupid too-because does this manager expect you'd meet a new man the following day who was happy to look after your kids around the work schedule? And would you let a man you'd just met do this, even if such a unicorn existed?
I would ask union advice (or similar).

After school nanny.

do you claim any DLA for your 2 SEN children? If so can use that.

when my children were younger we had to pay a lot of money for childcare ( no funding like there is now and I literally worked a month’s salary and got £110 from it if I paid all the childcare. Those years were tough).

This makes the most sense. They might just go for this and it's legal re breaks and doesn't involve extra childcare expense or attempting to work around children. It's a solution.

You say you've made bad decisions financially as a couple in the past. Don't make this one: jacking in/losing a somewhat flexible job just as another cost of living crisis is about to hit!

Ok, well I would still be concerned in your shoes. Perhaps you are right and they want to understand what you can do to formalise it for planning purposes.

But, I think you have to consider the possibility that although your employers have tried to be supportive, I would agree with you that does have an expiry date. It was always going to- why that date is now could be because of your/your departments performance. You say if you aren’t there to manage them it all falls apart- well, sometimes you aren’t there. Sometimes when you are logged in you are caring for 3 young children. I would be surprised if that hasn't impacted work in some way (possibly ways you aren’t aware- I’ve seen this happen where colleagues have not noticed performance issues when there have been)- perhaps that has now reached a point where your management team feel it is no longer sustainable? Perhaps the incompetence you yourself have identified when it comes to your team is showing and it’s concerning them?

How much of the training and delivery of operations are you responsible for? What have you done to address the incompetence you have identified in those who report to you (you have said several times your colleagues are incompetent to the point of that they cannot manage without escalating to you)? If you aren’t responsible for managing training/overseeing the performance of your supervisees and addressing any problems have you made your manger aware of your concerns regarding the teams lack of competence (as I would assume the departmental manager must carry these responsiblitoes if you do not)? As the supervisor, it’s all well and good to complain they rely on you due to their incompetence- but that is at least partially your failure if those you supervise aren’t capable of doing their jobs and you haven’t addressed it, or escalated it if was not within your scope of practice to manage. If this is the case, you might not be in as strong a position as you might like and you need to be prepared to address that when identifying how you think flexible working would be workable..

No one is sadly irreplaceable in a work place so I do think you need to alter your mindset a little, and I say that as someone who in their previous role always went above and beyond, managed a small team and was told that they couldn’t manage without me.
I left due to childcare issues, eldest child ASD to a role that was a better fit around the family as I needed to be on hand and despite a few bumps and moans, my old place carried on well with my replacement, nothing fell apart and after awhile I was all but forgotten about (I stayed in touch with a few good friends I had made)
I would ask for condensed hours so longer days on the days your DH is working from home with shorter days between the school hours on the days your husband is in the office.
Your DH needs to make sure he is able to do the school runs when he is working from
home and then making up the hours when you are at home. He may need to submit a flexible working request to do this.
Whilst your childcare/marital problems are not your employers problem, I would explain that the schools offer no wrap around care and there doesn’t seem to be a viable alternative option which is why condensed hours would work better for you.
They are asking for the meeting not to be difficult, but to try and resolve the problem.
If they refuse the condensed hours/flexible working then you’ll have no alternative but to find alternative employment.
If they value you, they’ll make it work. If they don’t and aren’t particularly bothered about you staying they will deny the request and you’ll know that you’ve been expending time and effort above and beyond for a small company that doesn’t really care.
If they deny the request I think that despite your claim of being the glue that holds things together, they are prepared to come unstuck.

Never say you're looking at other, more flexible options, which is a not-so-subtle way of threatening that you might quit. No-one is indispensable and they might think it would be easier to bring in someone new who could be there standard working hours. I've seen several cases where this has backfired spectacularly on colleagues who've tried this tactic. It makes you look less reasonable, less able to negotiate, less likely to stay and less reliable.

Yeah I know what you mean. It's probably that simple to them from the outside looking in, there is so much more to the situation aswell that I haven't mentioned.

I mentioned if I leave him that it will just make things more difficult for me in terms of childcare arrangements and she kept saying it doesn't matter we'll support you, you deserve to be treated better etc. Ive had to report my husband missing more than once due to concerns for his welfare and they were so supportive and understanding.

I would be very worried that they would let you go.

I was supposedly indispensable at one of my roles until the big boss wanted rid of me. Everything fell apart but he refused to backtrack.

Can your husband flex his hours if you can't?

Out of interest, what do you do in the holidays? I imagine even both your and your husband’s annual leave doesn’t cover it. Sorry if asked before I haven’t read all the messages.

I would offer to reduce hours on the 2 days as you’ve suggested this I assume that is a viable financial option for you. If you are taking the respective pay cut, so they would be saving money, they might be open to it. Worth at least asking.

I don't mean to impose but are your children safe with your husband alone? Given he'll be doing 3 days of childcare and juggling work from home?

Just the eldest at the moment, in progress for the middle.

Yes, he can be very up and down however he's been doing much better now he's working regularly day time hours and in a better routine. The nights on top of his other issues triggers his meltdowns massively. Zero in the last 2 months.

The other main staff member that reports to me is good, but he doesn't like my line manager and seems to rile her up when I am off by not following process (which are a bit overkill and he doesn't like doing).

OP, this isn't your problem and needs to be addressed directly with him. You can't have staff sabotaging the work because they don't like her. This is part of the problem. Your employer needs to be dealing with this.

This is a key factor in ensuring things can function without you. This is one way your employer absolutely can and should be supporting you with. It seems that you being 'indispensable' is partly down to their lack of intervention to prevent it.

The eldest and middle usually go to a holiday club, however the middle has been banned and cannot attend anymore. The youngest goes to another nursery during holiday time only as he's term time only at a school nursery otherwise. We have to save throughout the year to afford it as it is expensive.

DH has been off 2 days each week over Easter holidays and I've had 1 day off each week, because of the bank holidays it's worked out they only needed childcare 1 day each week this time. My mom had middle child 1 day each week too.

No idea what we will do with the middle one in the summer holidays as my mom won't have him every day. The only other holiday childcare provider in our area for that type of thing is a big no go. We had serious issues when they ran the wrap around care at my kids old school due to them making baseless accusations to social services and which ultimately ending in them sending DH a cease and desist for informing their current schools about it when they were handing out holiday leaflets for the company.

Well, you tell them clearly the only way around your dilemma (if above solution proposed above with H changing his hours, is not acceptable to him & his employers) are, the children need a cab, or a nanny. or both, & that you can't afford it. So you need a raise.
Honestly they will save money. They give you a generous pay rise, & you will be in situ 5 days a week.
The line manager needs replacing or at least talked to, & the new supervisor needs to jump to or be replaced.
It sounds like they need to employ several new people, they can't afford to lose you so this is the time, you say, "I need X salary & the problem goes away."

I'm think I'm going to tell them when DH goes to 3 days WFH I'm going to propose the below hours, which makes up 40 hours with 30 mins lunch and 20 mins lunch on my short day:

Monday - 8.40 - 5pm - I take to BF club & my dad to pick up
Tuesday - 8.40 - 2.40pm - I take to BF club & pick up from school
Wednesday - 7.30 - 5pm - DH WFH
Thursday 7.30 - 5pm - DH WFH
Friday - 7.30 - 5pm - DH WFH