AIBU to object to my in-laws reading my son's therapy report?

[ladyrushford]

My youngest son (4) requires speech and language therapy. I found a great therapist who had space and availability and booked her. My husband was pleased too, as it’s something we’ve been concerned about for a while - but then he tells me his parents are paying for the assessment and the subsequent sessions. This irritated me as he does this a lot, going to his (wealthy) parents and then they ‘offer’ to pay. I am never privy to these conversations. Now don’t get me wrong - I get on fine with my in laws and generally they are quite well meaning and can be generous too, in their way. They are also pretty well off too so a few hundred quid, in their words, doesn’t trouble them. BUT when they do pay for something they see it as theirs. Now they want the therapist’s assessment report. It was sent to me last week and I’ve read it. It isn’t a long report. When I secured this therapist I didn’t think anyone else other than us would be paying for this and there’s things on this report about my own family and medical history - all very standard - that really isn’t for anyone else’s eyes. Now they are insisting on reading the report and have sent several text messages to me and emails to the therapist to get the report.

My husband insists I must share it. His mother is a notorious gossip in the family and she will share everything in this report. I am resentful because my husband tricked me into thinking we were doing this ourselves and then we’re not, not to mention that I’ve shared it to keep the peace but feel quite sick at the idea she’s reading about my own private medical history. I appreciate their generosity in paying for the speech and language therapist but I’m dreading knowing my mother in law has this report. AIBU?

My ex in laws are very controlling and not nice people. I can imagine if they had access to a report like this, I would be getting comments like 'well these issues don't come from our side of the family, it's clearly your genes/your input that's caused this'.

I would just send a message next time they ask and say sorry that document is private and confidential and whilst we really appreciate you offering to pay so generously our child has a right to privacy and so we won’t be sharing the reports, I’m sure you understand but will let you know any key take home points! They can’t argue with direct but polite responses.

They feel entitled to it because your husband allows it and he doesn’t care about your feelings around it. Ask if him if they would like to pay for marriage counselling to deal with the situation he is causing.

Caring about someone doesn’t entitle you to see their private medical information.

I think you need to grow a backbone here. The next time you see them you absolutely must say something preferably whilst your husband is there. “Mary, I need to speak with you about the whole S&T debacle. I was shocked that you saw DC private medical information as being a commodity for purchase in that way. I want you to know that it felt extremely intrusive to me, and it is not something that can ever happen again. DH shouldn’t have let you think we can’t afford it, and I trust you understand it absolutely must stop.”
She has an absolute brass neck, so speaking up and giving a bit of push back will make a big difference.

Your husband can consent to the release of your child's health information; in practical terms he can simply send a copy of his child's report to anyone he pleases. It makes no difference if he authorizes the therapist to release the information.

However he cannot consent to the release of your own health information, nor is he entitled to see it himself. You should tell the therapist you don't consent to your information being included in any report sent to anyone, including to your husband.

It’s unreasonable that you’re saying your DH tricked you - surely when he said his parents would pay for it, you could have said “no DH, we should pay for this ourselves as your DM has a history of wanting access to things they pay for.”

You’re not being unreasonable for not wanting to share the report, especially if she’s likely to gossip about your son.

If you would share it with your mum id say share as both sets of grandparents. But if not then just say no. Stop accepting their money for such things. Sort your husband out.

I've had a similar situation with diagnostic/therapy reports for DC where I don't want to share the whole thing with school, only the relevant bits. If necessary I redacted bits myself/gave them the relevant pages. These reports always contain a lot of personal information, particularly about DH's family/health and I know it upsets him to have this shared around every time.

I think your PIL are rude and arrogant to demand it, but probably do not realize how upsetting and confronting it can be to see your life and the lives of your children laid bare again and again and again for professionals to pick over. Knowing they are likely to gossip I would absolutely not give them the full report. We have had countless reports related to both our kids (ND family) and the only people who have ever asked to see the reports are school and out of school support for our eldest.

I wouldn’t give it to them. Destroy it.

Agree - DH problem here.

He needs to stop doing that (going behind your back).

Also, it is your son’s medical info but also yours included in the report so you should decide who gets to see it - on behalf of your son, but also for yourself.

Explain this to DH and ask him to cancel the arrangement with his parents for this. Assuming you can afford to continue the treatment for your son.

If you can’t, there still needs to be a conversation with DH about the boundaries around support from the in laws.

It sounds like you’ve already sent it so maybe this advice too late, but the doc being password protected shouldn’t preclude you from editing it - you would just download the PDF and then be able to do whatever you like. Should be able to print it out and physically black marker over the bits you want redacted, or put black squares over the section if you’re working with an online doc, or even just screenshot the relevant child therapy related parts and send that?

They sound overbearing but I am sad for you that you sent your private info to them when you weren’t comfortable and it wasn’t necessary!

Don't give them the report.

And if they kick off or talk about the money they've paid. Pay it back to them.

Can you not screen shot the bits you want them to see?

I’d be tempted to copy it and redact anything other than the information directly referring to the child having therapy.

You’re entitled to your privacy, and I’d tell them what you told us, it contains private info and just because they are paying, doesn’t entitle them to this. I’d tell your DH to withdraw the request for them to pay, and tell them he is not to ask them to pay for anything in future. As clearly they are the type of people who think they are entitled to private info as they have paid.

It is routine. Late talking amd speech disruption can be because of dyslexia for example which can be heritable.

I expect your husband will see to it that they access a full version of the report in any case. Really vile behaviour from DH.

The therapist's clients are you and your child presumably, no matter who paid for the session. The report does not belong to your in-laws. Why are they pushing it if you have told them you prefer to keep the confidential medical report confidential?

Screenshots of the bits you don’t mind them seeing? Then politely inform them you’ll be paying for future appointments and never share anything with them again, unless it pertains to them caring for him as grandparents?

God this thread is frustrating to read. It says in the OPENING POST that OP has already shared the report!

Id say 90% of replies are telling her how to navigate not sharing it!

OP I have a similar situation with wealthy parents in law who offer to pay a lot for things. The big difference is they would ask how my DC were getting on but NEVER ask to see reports or act like they now own what they’ve paid for. You need to have this out with your DH

I agree with this. My son had speech therapy for a long time as he struggled and the more who understood the better for him.
If it was another family member of mine, I’d also like to know so that I could support.

This information is personal this is why hospitals write private or confidential on the letters.
I think you need to first move the report so he doesn’t show them any way because that’s lightly next, then talk to him about the fact your uncomfortable with the level of involvement his parents and their finances are having in your lives.
They are being very nosy about this situation asking for an update would be ok, demanding that they see the written report is intrusive. You are aloud to say no it’s addressed to you and you would prefer to keep your child’s medical records private.
His parents are not being helpful offering to pay they are being controlling. You can offer their money back or tell your husband to stop taking hand outs they come with conditions that are effecting his marriage. He’s a grown man with his own family now and we’ll time he stops being under the financial control of his parents.
Thinking on it I personally would send granny a message saying that all medical information regarding your children is private and you won’t be sharing anything other than a verbal update to protect there privacy. I would also decline her request to pay though.
This awkward situation has been caused by your husband giving way to much personal information and taking handouts for anything he doesn't fancy paying for, that needs to stop and the intrusive and entitled grandmother is now pushing boundaries because of it he needs to be firm now too.

Obviously you pay them bacK, so they have no grounds to ask to see it. I dont see the problem here?

No is a complete sentence.

You found the therapist when you thought you’d pay. So offer to reimburse them if they like but do not send the report!

do they pay for school and want to go to parents evening? When it’s time for driving lessons will they be in the backseat?

tbh this conversation seems to have been a long time coming with both them and your husband.