AIBU to think that this is just bad behaviour for an adult at a family meal - even if they are paying?

[likeafishneedsabike]

I am torn between thinking this is just ‘same old’ behaviour from DM on one hand and being quite disappointed on the other hand.
The occasion is a pizza lunch out as a late Easter treat paid for by DF and DM, who are in their 70s. Myself, DH and two teenagers present for this meal. It is of course very kind and generous of them to pay - when it is our ‘turn’ we tend to do the catering at home since we have a modest income.
DM enjoys wine with a meal and fair enough. Nobody else is drinking - two underage, two drivers and one who doesn’t want to. All fine.
The problem is that two large glasses of wine makes her quite quickly drunk to the point of slurring words and trying to start arguments. And this is EVERY TIME. Usually there is knocking over of glasses of water etc so that somebody or other gets a lap full and has to stand drying their kegs in the restaurant toilet. Not today thank goodness. The starting of arguments often extends to strangers (mouthing off at randoms in the loo and pushing a child out of the way). Again, not today thank goodness - I haven’t been back to that pizza express in a hurry.
Thankfully today she only tried to have an argument with me about the terrible wokery of the education system.
DM left school at 16 and has never worked in education. DH and I have worked in education for 25 years and both DC are in secondary school. Our opinions were not sought and Michael Gove was declared a hero.
One question was directed at the DC to ask if the younger still wanted to be a vet. DC2 has never declared an interest in veterinary science or anything like it. No further questions - they are expected to listen in silence to anti woke diatribe plagiarised from the The Daily Mail (I assume). DC1 is quite an articulate teen who did try to pass a few comments in the name of making conversation, but she’s not interested. She’s pissed and wants to hear her own voice.
By pudding she was onto Trump. ‘Now I’m not saying I like him, and I might like him less if I met him’. This is a promising start. ‘But I have to say that he knows exactly how to speak to them in their own language. They weren’t expecting him to stand up to them like this’.
It wasn’t clear who ‘them’ could be. But I just cannot see that praising Trump’s skills of communication in any context is appropriate lunch time conversation. When we think of the state of the world and the suffering of so many people as a result of US warmongering, I can’t sit there and nod along or try to argue with DM after two large wines.
So was I unreasonable to make an exit from a meal that was being paid for by DPs because of DM’s behaviour at the table? Or does paying the bill give someone the right to start drunken arguments on purpose, rant about wokery and praise Trump’s leadership?

Oh God yanbu. That sounds hellish. Are you sure she didn't drink before the meal too? Two glasses of wine should not lead to starting arguments with strangers. Or was that a time she drank a lot more? Either way, she sounds like extremely hard work.

She weighs less than 7 stone I think so it’s a lot for her frame.

Ah ok, that makes sense.

I'm sorry OP but if that's how she behaves when she drinks I think in future I'd be refusing any invitations that involved her drinking alcohol.
A horrible way to behave and especially infront of children.

You clearly dislike her and she sounds awful why on earth are you accepting her hospitality? I'd not spend another minute in a public space with someone who behaves like this

My MiL started behaving badly out at meals. Eventually she descended into dementia but this sounds more like she can't or shouldn't drink...

Why on earth do you keep going? Your poor kids.

I stopped reading at the bit where you said she does it EVERY TIME just don’t go anymore.

I actually do wonder about dementia. Because her politics show such a dramatic change (even when she’s sober).

Same.

No idea why anyone would think it's ok to expose their DC to this sort of thing.

I think unfortunately the mistake was accepting the invitation in the first place.

If I were walking out I’d want to pay for my own meal.

It was quite slow, over years. But it got worse and worse and I did leave at one point as it was very difficult and I couldn't stand the rest of the family brushing the behaviour under the carpet.

I would say this is twice a year - not that it makes it excusable of course. When in my house eating my food prepared by me she behaves herself a lot better. Still totally and utterly lacking any interest in the teens. But at least not starting arguments.

I think your mum might be my mum, hello long lost sister 👋
Nothing to add here but sympathy 🙃

Thank you for commenting - when you say ‘type of thing’ are you referring to the misbehaviour in general or do you mean the pro-Trump rally vibe? This is my mother so it’s all quite confusing for me and easier for outsiders to specify.

I didn’t storm out but as soon as the puddings were ingested, we were on our way making comments about beating traffic. She will have gone home, slept for two hours and then thought no more of the whole thing.

Her disgusting drunken behaviour in general.

How do you feel it benefits your DC?

Honestly I feel like politics is going to be the breakdown of so many families. I am sick of my OH and his (what I deem racist) clap trap. He wasn’t like this when I met him. It’s like Tony Robinson and Trump have made it more acceptable to have freedom of speech even when it’s disgusting. I see it everywhere now. I have just seen a post on FB from someone I know and I am shook by how supportive of Reform they are. It’s worse than ever. I think I would have been tempted to just keep quiet as she was paying for the meal but does she seem argumentative when she’s saying it? If so, I know exactly what you mean, when my OH says it I feel like he is looking to argue with me. So weird! My Nan used to get pissed on one glass of wine one and cry about her parents being dead (at completely normal ages and decades on) at every family meal. I stooped going, life is too short.

From what you describe, I would be watching very closely. Is she very underweight? Yes, 2 glasses of wine can make a slightly built person quite tipsy. Or someone with a problem with alcohol might be underweight because of their (secret) consumption.

For me the main issue would be not the expression of opinions which I might or might not agree with - we live in a democracy after all - but rather the ranty delivery and failure to seek other views or have an analytical discussion.

I hope this isn’t a drip feed but another very close member of the family is a recovering alcoholic. The irony is that DM does to Al-anon.
She is drastically underweight, yes. I haven’t calculated BMI but 5 foot 7 and 7 stone.

If it happens every time why do you keep repeating the event? Suggest a takeaway next time, or have a couple of drinks yourself.

It may just be that she can no longer tolerate alcohol, in which case stopping completely could improve things massively. Someone needs to have
a word with her.

My ILs, particularly my FIL and BIL were quite right wing and read the Daily Mail. (I have right leaning tendancies, to be fair, but the Daily Mail is way beyond where I am).

So I do understand the discomfort around "views being aired" in public.

But actually, I think I would be more bothered by the alcohol and the effects it has on your MIL. I can ignore right-wing witterings far easier than drunken behaviour.

I would be backing away from this type of situation. Luckily, your kids are now of an age where they start to lead their own lives and, oh dear, they conveniently have other plans the next time a meal is proposed, and you need to be their taxi. I managed to avoid my BIL for about 3 years through DS doing stuff (even if he wasn't 😉)

I repeat due to guilt towards DF. She’s tough to live with obvs.