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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this bad or am I the problem

278 replies

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 00:44

I’d really appreciate some objective advice because I feel upset, confused and am questioning my sanity.

I’ve been working in a senior role at a growing company for several years. I pretty much built the department from scratch and as it was a scaling startup, I’ve worked extremely long hours to get it to where it is.

A few weeks ago, my boss hired in someone new in a parallel role that's equally senior but unrelated to my department. Let's call her Susan. Susan happens to be the bosses closest friend.

Susan immediately swept in and started acting like she ran the place. She was described by colleagues as "intimidating" and "patronising" and upset a couple of other senior staff by overstepping her role.

Then she began involving herself in my area. This started initially by her correcting my work without being asked or invited and where it had nothing to do with her. I set a boundary, politely, and she apologised but then continued to escalate this type of behavior.

Suggesting changes, directing junior members of my team, organising meetings around work I’m responsible for, and generally behaving as though they were the boss of my department rather than me. It was so pronounced that it started to cause disruption and junior staff asked why she was involved.

I raised concerns about this and was told it would be addressed as the boss said he agreed it was not acceptable. He reiterated I was the boss of my department and said he'd ensure I didn't have to work directly with her.

To my shock, shortly after the boss created a "leadership team" which includes Susan in which ONLY my departments work is discussed. As in, they use this group to challenge my work, but not hers or anyone else's.

From there she began challenging everything I do, down to minute execution turning almost every decision into a debate.

For example saying I should do something differently and when I disagreed saying "chatGPT agrees with my view" and the boss did nothing and even actively encouraged her.

So I started getting angry.

I again raised the issue a few days ago but got no reply.

It was clear to me at this point that the boss sees Susan as his best friend and wanted her to have involvement across every department, and that id either have to accept being constantly undermined or leave.

A few days later my junior colleague messaged me to ask me to give him access to some systems for our new team member. I asked "what team member?"

Astoundingly it turned out that Susan and my boss had hired someone for MY team (one of this Susans contacts) without even discussing it with me, and agreed this new hire would take over a very key part of my own role and I only found out because that team member came to me, confused and uncomfortable.

When I challenged it, I was told:
that area wasn’t really my responsibility (it is, and always has been), that nothing had been done in that space (which isn’t accurate), that it was just an “oversight” and a myriad of other excuses.

In the same discussion, my role was minimised in front of others, and it was implied I don’t really run my own function and that me reacting was due to me being "competitive" and "making it about ego".

I remained calm but resigned on the spot, but the conversation was so gaslighty with both of them claiming I had no reason to react and I wanted a sanity check as they made me feel nuts.

Before working in this job for the last few years I worked for myself so I've not got much of a grip on if this is normal work behaviour or not?

For clarity, my department has been the strongest performing in the company, Susan has absolutely no experience and I cannot find a legitimate business reason for any of this.

I'm really devasted to lose the job I love :(

OP posts:
blacksax · 10/04/2026 15:26

You did the right thing by resigning and I once did exactly the same when someone started usurping my role like that. The managing director called me in to his office to find out why I was leaving, and I had great pleasure in telling him in no uncertain terms that I would not tolerate being treated like that. He had no idea that it had been happening and was horrified. Too late chum.

They can get to fuck, and you can be sure in the knowledge that it will go tits up. Serve them right.

Pipsquiggle · 10/04/2026 15:27

GraceInBloom · 10/04/2026 15:01

24 hours since formal resignation and no reply, but I did get an email from him to the whole staff inviting them to a Monday meeting (including me!) - which is significant because he's never done that before and it includes all my team (some of whom he's never spoken to or met). So I guess they're solidifying the new leadership. No idea why he invited me beyond maybe pretending I didn't resign.

As he hasn't been in touch, I am assuming he will announce that your team will now report into Sharon.

Was your resignation email short and to the point? How long is your notice period?

Muffsies · 10/04/2026 15:53

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 15:37

Resignation letter sent.

Now I'll wait.

I'm very stressed about the future. I hope I find something else I love.

I've got everything crossed for you. You're obviously a very intelligent and hard-working person, those two morons do not deserve you.

I'm sure you've got a great CV and references & contacts. You've got the kind of experience and tallents that loads of businesses out there will be begging for. I'm sure another opportunity awaits, so throw yourself into finding it.

Do not give your old boss another moment of your time, and not a single benefit of your wisdom any more - and make sure he knows there's no one else to blame for his foolishness.

ApplesAreAmazing · 10/04/2026 16:56

GraceInBloom · 10/04/2026 00:15

I'm about the least cutthroat person in the world. Probably how I got into this mess. I was reading early messages from Susan and realise I should probably have told her to f**k off a while ago.

I don't see that as cutthroat, I see that as rescuing your colleagues from Susan and incompetent owner, and the eventual decline of the business and the loss of jobs. I see it as the right thing to do. I'd contact the other owner and see if your vote assists them in regaining control. Also would the other owner like to come to the Monday meeting?

GraceInBloom · 10/04/2026 17:18

Just all very bizarre. I suspect, as I'm the only one with an actual team that he's solidifying power of him and Susan with me gone, but they could have replied to me first!

There was lots of great jobs online, I just didn't have the strength today. Feeling the sting of humiliation, plus a lot of anger and also a dose of heartbreak.

OP posts:
Muffsies · 10/04/2026 17:35

GraceInBloom · 10/04/2026 17:18

Just all very bizarre. I suspect, as I'm the only one with an actual team that he's solidifying power of him and Susan with me gone, but they could have replied to me first!

There was lots of great jobs online, I just didn't have the strength today. Feeling the sting of humiliation, plus a lot of anger and also a dose of heartbreak.

Your anger and disapointment are justified, they have acted appalingly towards you, it's all so stupid and unecessary. There's nothing you could have done differently that wouldn't have ended up making things worse for yourself.

There are loads of great jobs out there, with people who actually have tallent and principles, like yourself. Give yourself time to come to terms with this horrible incident, take a break to recharge and reload. You have proven how strong you are with your past performance, you have got so much going for you.

tommyhoundmum · 10/04/2026 18:18

Random321 · 09/04/2026 01:01

Constructive dismissal case?

Yes, I think so too.

MMUmum · 10/04/2026 18:38

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 00:44

I’d really appreciate some objective advice because I feel upset, confused and am questioning my sanity.

I’ve been working in a senior role at a growing company for several years. I pretty much built the department from scratch and as it was a scaling startup, I’ve worked extremely long hours to get it to where it is.

A few weeks ago, my boss hired in someone new in a parallel role that's equally senior but unrelated to my department. Let's call her Susan. Susan happens to be the bosses closest friend.

Susan immediately swept in and started acting like she ran the place. She was described by colleagues as "intimidating" and "patronising" and upset a couple of other senior staff by overstepping her role.

Then she began involving herself in my area. This started initially by her correcting my work without being asked or invited and where it had nothing to do with her. I set a boundary, politely, and she apologised but then continued to escalate this type of behavior.

Suggesting changes, directing junior members of my team, organising meetings around work I’m responsible for, and generally behaving as though they were the boss of my department rather than me. It was so pronounced that it started to cause disruption and junior staff asked why she was involved.

I raised concerns about this and was told it would be addressed as the boss said he agreed it was not acceptable. He reiterated I was the boss of my department and said he'd ensure I didn't have to work directly with her.

To my shock, shortly after the boss created a "leadership team" which includes Susan in which ONLY my departments work is discussed. As in, they use this group to challenge my work, but not hers or anyone else's.

From there she began challenging everything I do, down to minute execution turning almost every decision into a debate.

For example saying I should do something differently and when I disagreed saying "chatGPT agrees with my view" and the boss did nothing and even actively encouraged her.

So I started getting angry.

I again raised the issue a few days ago but got no reply.

It was clear to me at this point that the boss sees Susan as his best friend and wanted her to have involvement across every department, and that id either have to accept being constantly undermined or leave.

A few days later my junior colleague messaged me to ask me to give him access to some systems for our new team member. I asked "what team member?"

Astoundingly it turned out that Susan and my boss had hired someone for MY team (one of this Susans contacts) without even discussing it with me, and agreed this new hire would take over a very key part of my own role and I only found out because that team member came to me, confused and uncomfortable.

When I challenged it, I was told:
that area wasn’t really my responsibility (it is, and always has been), that nothing had been done in that space (which isn’t accurate), that it was just an “oversight” and a myriad of other excuses.

In the same discussion, my role was minimised in front of others, and it was implied I don’t really run my own function and that me reacting was due to me being "competitive" and "making it about ego".

I remained calm but resigned on the spot, but the conversation was so gaslighty with both of them claiming I had no reason to react and I wanted a sanity check as they made me feel nuts.

Before working in this job for the last few years I worked for myself so I've not got much of a grip on if this is normal work behaviour or not?

For clarity, my department has been the strongest performing in the company, Susan has absolutely no experience and I cannot find a legitimate business reason for any of this.

I'm really devasted to lose the job I love :(

If it happened as you say then you may have a claim for constructive dismissal.

Scarfitwere · 10/04/2026 19:01

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 01:30

This company is a start up. We've got 10 full time staff, 3 of which are junior in my department. Almost all the other team are contractors so there's very limited resources. I look after my own department but also go far, far beyond in taking care of almost everything that needs doing. 3am finishes are not uncommon for me, so finding someone willing to do what I do would be quite hard. I'm not into punishing people, I just don't want to be miserable or angry in my day to day.

They dont deserve you. Sod them. Take your money and go, let them suffer the consequences of their stupidity. Life's too short, you will find something else. And youll learn from it. Never put your life /heart and soul into a business that's not yours!

Wildefish · 10/04/2026 19:48

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 00:44

I’d really appreciate some objective advice because I feel upset, confused and am questioning my sanity.

I’ve been working in a senior role at a growing company for several years. I pretty much built the department from scratch and as it was a scaling startup, I’ve worked extremely long hours to get it to where it is.

A few weeks ago, my boss hired in someone new in a parallel role that's equally senior but unrelated to my department. Let's call her Susan. Susan happens to be the bosses closest friend.

Susan immediately swept in and started acting like she ran the place. She was described by colleagues as "intimidating" and "patronising" and upset a couple of other senior staff by overstepping her role.

Then she began involving herself in my area. This started initially by her correcting my work without being asked or invited and where it had nothing to do with her. I set a boundary, politely, and she apologised but then continued to escalate this type of behavior.

Suggesting changes, directing junior members of my team, organising meetings around work I’m responsible for, and generally behaving as though they were the boss of my department rather than me. It was so pronounced that it started to cause disruption and junior staff asked why she was involved.

I raised concerns about this and was told it would be addressed as the boss said he agreed it was not acceptable. He reiterated I was the boss of my department and said he'd ensure I didn't have to work directly with her.

To my shock, shortly after the boss created a "leadership team" which includes Susan in which ONLY my departments work is discussed. As in, they use this group to challenge my work, but not hers or anyone else's.

From there she began challenging everything I do, down to minute execution turning almost every decision into a debate.

For example saying I should do something differently and when I disagreed saying "chatGPT agrees with my view" and the boss did nothing and even actively encouraged her.

So I started getting angry.

I again raised the issue a few days ago but got no reply.

It was clear to me at this point that the boss sees Susan as his best friend and wanted her to have involvement across every department, and that id either have to accept being constantly undermined or leave.

A few days later my junior colleague messaged me to ask me to give him access to some systems for our new team member. I asked "what team member?"

Astoundingly it turned out that Susan and my boss had hired someone for MY team (one of this Susans contacts) without even discussing it with me, and agreed this new hire would take over a very key part of my own role and I only found out because that team member came to me, confused and uncomfortable.

When I challenged it, I was told:
that area wasn’t really my responsibility (it is, and always has been), that nothing had been done in that space (which isn’t accurate), that it was just an “oversight” and a myriad of other excuses.

In the same discussion, my role was minimised in front of others, and it was implied I don’t really run my own function and that me reacting was due to me being "competitive" and "making it about ego".

I remained calm but resigned on the spot, but the conversation was so gaslighty with both of them claiming I had no reason to react and I wanted a sanity check as they made me feel nuts.

Before working in this job for the last few years I worked for myself so I've not got much of a grip on if this is normal work behaviour or not?

For clarity, my department has been the strongest performing in the company, Susan has absolutely no experience and I cannot find a legitimate business reason for any of this.

I'm really devasted to lose the job I love :(

She wanted you gone. Hope you find a new job and take your team with you.

Tuesdayschild50 · 10/04/2026 19:55

This s tough one ... its awful when people undermine you this way.. her being his friend basically says it all .
At the end of the day ego is bruised here it's been your hard work.. and Susan decides to pee all over it.
I'd find this really hard been in a similar situation 6 years ago I resigned and never looked back.
They're not worth your headspace.. move on to better xx

Croakymccroakyvoice · 10/04/2026 20:37

I just wanted to say OP, very well done for knowing your worth and stepping away from a toxic situation. Fingers crossed you find a much better job ASAP where you are appreciated and valued. It can happen, it happened to me.

All power to you.

Firesidechatter · 10/04/2026 21:08

I also think you have managed this with dignity, you will find another job and a better one than this shit show. As that’s whay it became.

i assume he invited you as he’s trying to hide you’ve resigned at this point and will announce it on Monday and Susan will be the new manager. Considering she’s no idea what she’s doing, there will be more who leave.

Allonthesametrain · 10/04/2026 21:16

Is she blackmailing your boss??

Pessismistic · 10/04/2026 21:35

Hi op it all sounds deliberate tbh. Could you set up in competition to them or do what you do self employed. Op this is not normal behaviour for an employer I think they planned to push you out but wanted you to give in so they get what they want without consequences it’s toxic behaviour and your boss is a two faced lying bastard. I really hope fate has done this for a better future for you. They will regret it.

Hicupping · 10/04/2026 22:07

Been in same position but 26. He was one of those men than moved from leadership to leadership position moving on due to mutual decision. Undermined people to elevate himself. They got rid of him 6 months after I left. Barry. What a tosser. It's an awful journey to go on. Hope you find something good next.

Jorge14 · 10/04/2026 23:23

YANBU this sounds awful. I think resigning was the best option here. At least you are owed some pay. Good luck getting a new job too, try not to say anything bad about your old company in an interview too. Sorry this happened to you, just show goes to show you can’t really trust colleagues. They’ll be sorry you’ve gone eventually.

truffleruffle · 10/04/2026 23:29

Random321 · 09/04/2026 01:01

Constructive dismissal case?

I agree but you have to document which areas were yours and which she took over.
sounds like you have a good case but get as much evidence as possible. Good luck.

GraceInBloom · 10/04/2026 23:54

I won't do anything legal unless he refuses to pay me my bonus and severance. Then honestly I bloody well will even if I get nowhere. Just on principle as I'm pretty angry 😠 My husband is a lawyer and he says its tricky but some of the behaviour was so overtly terrible that no reasonable person could be expected to continue. I have screenshots of the boss saying things that amount to bullying.

On a lighter note, it was bloody lovely not having to go to work today! Freedom from those absolute arseholes.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/04/2026 00:48

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 01:30

This company is a start up. We've got 10 full time staff, 3 of which are junior in my department. Almost all the other team are contractors so there's very limited resources. I look after my own department but also go far, far beyond in taking care of almost everything that needs doing. 3am finishes are not uncommon for me, so finding someone willing to do what I do would be quite hard. I'm not into punishing people, I just don't want to be miserable or angry in my day to day.

its not a question of punishing people, but you worked until 3.am at times to get the job done and put this start up on a good path and your note about the text chain and their subsequent comments appear to illustrate that they were trying to force you to resign. That is illegal.... you do need to speak to an employment lawyer...to see what your rights are and whether they have acted illegally (sounds like it) and be compensated for being pushed out of a job you loved and the way they did it.

IsThatAHedgehog · 11/04/2026 00:51

OP I did read all of your updates, forgive me as I have a neurological condition but it seemed that you didn't answer the many PP who said this is a case for constructive dismissal?

Is there a reason you'd maybe be hesitant to do this?

If you already addressed this, please accept my apologies. I'm not purposely trying to be obtuse!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/04/2026 00:52

Sorry. I'd read it all except your last post OP... if your DH is a lawyer you've already got good advice.

So glad to hear you are feeling great not having to go in and deal with them. Must be like a weight off your neck. Wishing you all the best with whatever you decide and hopefully your next role will be so much better than this one.

ToastSoldiers · 11/04/2026 01:26

GraceInBloom · 10/04/2026 23:54

I won't do anything legal unless he refuses to pay me my bonus and severance. Then honestly I bloody well will even if I get nowhere. Just on principle as I'm pretty angry 😠 My husband is a lawyer and he says its tricky but some of the behaviour was so overtly terrible that no reasonable person could be expected to continue. I have screenshots of the boss saying things that amount to bullying.

On a lighter note, it was bloody lovely not having to go to work today! Freedom from those absolute arseholes.

Will there be things that they discover they don’t know how to do, or that were being done that they weren’t aware of? If so, I’m guessing you’ll soon have questions from them looking for help… That might be satisfying.

GraceInBloom · 11/04/2026 01:39

IsThatAHedgehog · 11/04/2026 00:51

OP I did read all of your updates, forgive me as I have a neurological condition but it seemed that you didn't answer the many PP who said this is a case for constructive dismissal?

Is there a reason you'd maybe be hesitant to do this?

If you already addressed this, please accept my apologies. I'm not purposely trying to be obtuse!

Honestly I wouldn't want the hassle and negativity.

OP posts:
GraceInBloom · 11/04/2026 01:53

ToastSoldiers · 11/04/2026 01:26

Will there be things that they discover they don’t know how to do, or that were being done that they weren’t aware of? If so, I’m guessing you’ll soon have questions from them looking for help… That might be satisfying.

I took all my scheduled tasks off Asana today in order to write my CV and Claude said it was the job of 3 or 4 people. I do absolutely masses.

I more or less run the engine which gets anything at all done. So they might still do things, but only partially because nobody would have the first idea where to start.

There's big projects, huge ones, that I'm in the middle of coordinating. Without me it'll run over schedule, and there will be costly mistakes.

It'll be a nightmare for them. A very costly nightmare.

This isn't coming from a place of arrogance, but more from the fact that it's a very small company and I ended up becoming the person who does everything, the organiser.

Other people have the brilliant ideas. I make them actually work. So for example if a new product is invented I'm the one who'd get it in stores, legal shit done, commerce, infrastructure, instructions, website, communications, coordinate what other staff need to know etc etc

So everything they're working on will be done, but just a complete shit show. There's no way anyone else could do it because the team is tiny, nobody knows how and even if they did nobody's got capacity.

It would take him months to recruit a replacement, and if he did he'd need at least two people because nobody else would be daft enough to do all I do.

I have mixed feelings on this because on one hand he completely deserves it and on the other hand I absolutely love my colleagues and feel I've dropped them in it. Two have already contacted me really upset saying they don't understand how things will work.

He's really shot himself in the foot but frankly I think I was a pushover a lot of times before. He's undermined me many times previously (although he undermines everyone to be fair) but i always do much more than I should.

I would guess right now he's probably thinking he can give stuff to Susan or outsource it or pass to someone junior but he's got a shock coming his way.

What an absolute fool he is. All this harm because I think he basically wanted to show off and so did she and they didn't mind who they hurt.

OP posts:
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