Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this bad or am I the problem

278 replies

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 00:44

I’d really appreciate some objective advice because I feel upset, confused and am questioning my sanity.

I’ve been working in a senior role at a growing company for several years. I pretty much built the department from scratch and as it was a scaling startup, I’ve worked extremely long hours to get it to where it is.

A few weeks ago, my boss hired in someone new in a parallel role that's equally senior but unrelated to my department. Let's call her Susan. Susan happens to be the bosses closest friend.

Susan immediately swept in and started acting like she ran the place. She was described by colleagues as "intimidating" and "patronising" and upset a couple of other senior staff by overstepping her role.

Then she began involving herself in my area. This started initially by her correcting my work without being asked or invited and where it had nothing to do with her. I set a boundary, politely, and she apologised but then continued to escalate this type of behavior.

Suggesting changes, directing junior members of my team, organising meetings around work I’m responsible for, and generally behaving as though they were the boss of my department rather than me. It was so pronounced that it started to cause disruption and junior staff asked why she was involved.

I raised concerns about this and was told it would be addressed as the boss said he agreed it was not acceptable. He reiterated I was the boss of my department and said he'd ensure I didn't have to work directly with her.

To my shock, shortly after the boss created a "leadership team" which includes Susan in which ONLY my departments work is discussed. As in, they use this group to challenge my work, but not hers or anyone else's.

From there she began challenging everything I do, down to minute execution turning almost every decision into a debate.

For example saying I should do something differently and when I disagreed saying "chatGPT agrees with my view" and the boss did nothing and even actively encouraged her.

So I started getting angry.

I again raised the issue a few days ago but got no reply.

It was clear to me at this point that the boss sees Susan as his best friend and wanted her to have involvement across every department, and that id either have to accept being constantly undermined or leave.

A few days later my junior colleague messaged me to ask me to give him access to some systems for our new team member. I asked "what team member?"

Astoundingly it turned out that Susan and my boss had hired someone for MY team (one of this Susans contacts) without even discussing it with me, and agreed this new hire would take over a very key part of my own role and I only found out because that team member came to me, confused and uncomfortable.

When I challenged it, I was told:
that area wasn’t really my responsibility (it is, and always has been), that nothing had been done in that space (which isn’t accurate), that it was just an “oversight” and a myriad of other excuses.

In the same discussion, my role was minimised in front of others, and it was implied I don’t really run my own function and that me reacting was due to me being "competitive" and "making it about ego".

I remained calm but resigned on the spot, but the conversation was so gaslighty with both of them claiming I had no reason to react and I wanted a sanity check as they made me feel nuts.

Before working in this job for the last few years I worked for myself so I've not got much of a grip on if this is normal work behaviour or not?

For clarity, my department has been the strongest performing in the company, Susan has absolutely no experience and I cannot find a legitimate business reason for any of this.

I'm really devasted to lose the job I love :(

OP posts:
Imdunfer · 09/04/2026 15:44

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 15:37

Resignation letter sent.

Now I'll wait.

I'm very stressed about the future. I hope I find something else I love.

I hope you get a years payoff and walk into a new job and really enjoy spending the payoff 🤞🏼

3luckystars · 09/04/2026 15:44

You will. Well done and good luck if you go down the legal route.

GlovedhandsCecilia · 09/04/2026 15:50

ToastSoldiers · 09/04/2026 08:05

If this was truly the case, then the manner in which they’ve gone about it is still unprofessional at best, and constructive dismissal and bullying at the worst. So I’m not sure what your point actually is?

You'd have to know the other side of the story to know for sure. It sounds like there was a lot askew in OP's role and it was easy for someone to come and actually manage the situation. Boss decided a senior team was needed and new staff required. Ive worked with incompetent people before. They were always deluded about their competence.

There is no way to tell if the OP was the prize employee she says she was. What we do know is that major changes were deemed necessary by other colleagues

teawamutu · 09/04/2026 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 16:08

GlovedhandsCecilia · 09/04/2026 15:50

You'd have to know the other side of the story to know for sure. It sounds like there was a lot askew in OP's role and it was easy for someone to come and actually manage the situation. Boss decided a senior team was needed and new staff required. Ive worked with incompetent people before. They were always deluded about their competence.

There is no way to tell if the OP was the prize employee she says she was. What we do know is that major changes were deemed necessary by other colleagues

If that was the case he should have fired me, or told me he was bringing in someone above me.

He didn't.

He brought in his cousin to manage a completely different department.

What you're suggesting is that if your IT director is crap that you'd hire in a Sales Director to undermine them.

That's not very logical 🙄

OP posts:
GlovedhandsCecilia · 09/04/2026 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ive never even seen you so the fact that you arw following me around monitoring my posts is kind of scary. Please leave me alone.

GlovedhandsCecilia · 09/04/2026 16:09

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 16:08

If that was the case he should have fired me, or told me he was bringing in someone above me.

He didn't.

He brought in his cousin to manage a completely different department.

What you're suggesting is that if your IT director is crap that you'd hire in a Sales Director to undermine them.

That's not very logical 🙄

Thought it was his bestie?

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 16:10

Imdunfer · 09/04/2026 15:44

I hope you get a years payoff and walk into a new job and really enjoy spending the payoff 🤞🏼

Not a chance of this. I'll get the minimum he can get away with without looking bad.

The previous person in my job when I arrived was here for two months, and was fired for being crap and she got two months severance.

I really hope he just responds fairly.

OP posts:
GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 16:10

GlovedhandsCecilia · 09/04/2026 16:09

Thought it was his bestie?

If you read the thread, she's both his closest friend and his cousin.

You sound a lot like Susan.

OP posts:
teawamutu · 09/04/2026 16:11

GlovedhandsCecilia · 09/04/2026 16:08

Ive never even seen you so the fact that you arw following me around monitoring my posts is kind of scary. Please leave me alone.

Not following you around. Just recognised your username from FWR threads, mostly because it's generally taking the view diametrically opposed to all the others. Delighted to leave it there. Go well.

PrettyPickle · 09/04/2026 16:12

Your reaction was not ego, it was a normal response to having your authority stripped away and your role quietly dismantled. This is not normal workplace behaviour, what you describe is boundary‑violating, disrespectful, destabilising, and professionally undermining and possibly bullying as it undermines your position. It’s also extremely common in small founder‑led companies where a friend or favourite is parachuted in and allowed to run riot.

I took an employer for Constructive Dismissal years ago and it was a rough time and things have evidently changed a lot since then so I have just looked it up. You need to speak to ACAS or a Solicitor but this is what I have found:

A verbal resignation can be binding but only if it was clear, deliberate, and not said under pressure.* *Employment tribunals recognise that people sometimes resign “in the heat of the moment” so you clearly resigned, after provocation, while distressed, while being undermined, in a shocking exchange and in a discussion where any reasonable employer should have realised you weren't. clearly

But the employer is expected to give you a cooling‑off period and check whether you genuinely intended to resign. If neither side have confirmed it in writing then the situation is not yet final. You can still withdraw the resignation but you must act quickly, if you wang to stay or at least keep your legal position clean you can write something like (and I doubt you want to do this) “I want to clarify that I do not intend to resign. My verbal comments were made under significant stress in a difficult situation. Please treat this as a withdrawal of any resignation.” Once you put that in writing, the ball is in their court. If they refuse to accept the withdrawal, that can actually strengthen a constructive dismissal claim, because it shows they were happy to push you out.

I think you have experienced a fundamental breach of contract, such as:

  • undermining your authority
  • removing key responsibilities
  • hiring into your team without consultation
  • allowing a colleague to interfere with your role
  • gaslighting, belittling, or humiliating behaviour
  • failing to address grievances
  • creating a hostile or untenable working environment

For Constructive dismissal, the key legal test is: Would a reasonable employee feel they had no choice but to resign? On the facts you've described, that’s a very arguable “yes”.

You should write a grievance now, even if you ultimately leave. This protects your position in case you decide to go the court route, you could maybe use this as leverage. A grievance can document the behaviour, shows you tried to resolve things, prevents the employer arguing you “never raised concerns”
avoids the 25% compensation reduction for not following the ACAS Code for not following the grievance and appeal process before leaving. You can submit a grievance even after a verbal resignation, especially if you are withdrawing it.

You should not send a written resignation yet because once its written, it’s much harder to argue constructive dismissal. And just now, you have options.

You have gathered all the evidence (good move), have you also gt copies of any annual reviews or pay based on performance to show there has been no issue with your performance and the facts and figures that show your wing of the business is the one that is doing well in comparison to the rest (so shows you ar4e not the problem and there are other problem areas. Have you got any evidence of her prior employment or qualifications? Screenshots, emails, team messages, meeting notes, job descriptions, anything showing:

  • your responsibilities
  • Susan’s interference
  • the boss’s contradictory statements
  • the new hire being brought in behind your back
  • your attempts to raise concerns

Constructive dismissal cases live or die on evidence.

You should speak to ACAS or an employment solicitor. Even a 30‑minute consultation will help her decide whether to withdraw the resignation, lodge a grievance, negotiate an exit, or proceed toward constructive dismissal
Given the seniority of your role, a protected conversation or settlement agreement may also be realistic.

What worries me is your bonus, have I misunderstood and its in the form of shares? Because from what you have said, its your team that are bringing in the money and if you go and the company goes under, your money goes with it.

ByRealOtter · 09/04/2026 16:12

I think when it’s sorted you need to cash in your shares before Susan and boss go bust! Reap your rewards and leave them to it.

GlovedhandsCecilia · 09/04/2026 16:14

teawamutu · 09/04/2026 16:11

Not following you around. Just recognised your username from FWR threads, mostly because it's generally taking the view diametrically opposed to all the others. Delighted to leave it there. Go well.

You mean I disagree on some things with women who really dislike trans women and those women think they have precedence over anyone with different views to them?

Oh

Either way, stop obsessing and leave me alone. I find your fixation with me creepy and weird.

GlovedhandsCecilia · 09/04/2026 16:16

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 16:10

If you read the thread, she's both his closest friend and his cousin.

You sound a lot like Susan.

Did he say to you that this is Susan, she's not only my mum's sisters child, she's my closest friend, too?

EvelynBeatrice · 09/04/2026 16:34

ByRealOtter · 09/04/2026 16:12

I think when it’s sorted you need to cash in your shares before Susan and boss go bust! Reap your rewards and leave them to it.

If it’s a private company, it’s not that simple.

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 16:51

PrettyPickle · 09/04/2026 16:12

Your reaction was not ego, it was a normal response to having your authority stripped away and your role quietly dismantled. This is not normal workplace behaviour, what you describe is boundary‑violating, disrespectful, destabilising, and professionally undermining and possibly bullying as it undermines your position. It’s also extremely common in small founder‑led companies where a friend or favourite is parachuted in and allowed to run riot.

I took an employer for Constructive Dismissal years ago and it was a rough time and things have evidently changed a lot since then so I have just looked it up. You need to speak to ACAS or a Solicitor but this is what I have found:

A verbal resignation can be binding but only if it was clear, deliberate, and not said under pressure.* *Employment tribunals recognise that people sometimes resign “in the heat of the moment” so you clearly resigned, after provocation, while distressed, while being undermined, in a shocking exchange and in a discussion where any reasonable employer should have realised you weren't. clearly

But the employer is expected to give you a cooling‑off period and check whether you genuinely intended to resign. If neither side have confirmed it in writing then the situation is not yet final. You can still withdraw the resignation but you must act quickly, if you wang to stay or at least keep your legal position clean you can write something like (and I doubt you want to do this) “I want to clarify that I do not intend to resign. My verbal comments were made under significant stress in a difficult situation. Please treat this as a withdrawal of any resignation.” Once you put that in writing, the ball is in their court. If they refuse to accept the withdrawal, that can actually strengthen a constructive dismissal claim, because it shows they were happy to push you out.

I think you have experienced a fundamental breach of contract, such as:

  • undermining your authority
  • removing key responsibilities
  • hiring into your team without consultation
  • allowing a colleague to interfere with your role
  • gaslighting, belittling, or humiliating behaviour
  • failing to address grievances
  • creating a hostile or untenable working environment

For Constructive dismissal, the key legal test is: Would a reasonable employee feel they had no choice but to resign? On the facts you've described, that’s a very arguable “yes”.

You should write a grievance now, even if you ultimately leave. This protects your position in case you decide to go the court route, you could maybe use this as leverage. A grievance can document the behaviour, shows you tried to resolve things, prevents the employer arguing you “never raised concerns”
avoids the 25% compensation reduction for not following the ACAS Code for not following the grievance and appeal process before leaving. You can submit a grievance even after a verbal resignation, especially if you are withdrawing it.

You should not send a written resignation yet because once its written, it’s much harder to argue constructive dismissal. And just now, you have options.

You have gathered all the evidence (good move), have you also gt copies of any annual reviews or pay based on performance to show there has been no issue with your performance and the facts and figures that show your wing of the business is the one that is doing well in comparison to the rest (so shows you ar4e not the problem and there are other problem areas. Have you got any evidence of her prior employment or qualifications? Screenshots, emails, team messages, meeting notes, job descriptions, anything showing:

  • your responsibilities
  • Susan’s interference
  • the boss’s contradictory statements
  • the new hire being brought in behind your back
  • your attempts to raise concerns

Constructive dismissal cases live or die on evidence.

You should speak to ACAS or an employment solicitor. Even a 30‑minute consultation will help her decide whether to withdraw the resignation, lodge a grievance, negotiate an exit, or proceed toward constructive dismissal
Given the seniority of your role, a protected conversation or settlement agreement may also be realistic.

What worries me is your bonus, have I misunderstood and its in the form of shares? Because from what you have said, its your team that are bringing in the money and if you go and the company goes under, your money goes with it.

Edited

They owe me a cash bonus I've not taken yet.

My shares are just paper. I cannot sell them without board approval and I'd need a buyer (no chance).

OP posts:
AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 09/04/2026 19:50

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 15:37

Resignation letter sent.

Now I'll wait.

I'm very stressed about the future. I hope I find something else I love.

Could you have taken time for "mental health leave"? I thought they had to pay you for that for a set amount of time?

I hope they treat you fairly and that you can get a constructive dismissal claim in your favor. They sound like absolute twat waffles and I will bet the company will go under within 18 months, unless his family starts propping it up financially.

Please do not give them any information on how to fix anything or do anything. Let them figure it out on their own or die trying.

Someone asked above if any of the intellectual property was yours, but cannot remember if you answered.

Sorry, I don't want to be pushy, I just want you to get all you deserve from those asshats.

Tell the board that they should be willing to buy your equity for the going price, unless they think the company is going to fail. Tell the same to your ex-boss and his bestie friend cousin.

(Yes, I am so angry for you I could scream. I hate bosses like that)

Whatexcellentboiledpotatoes · 09/04/2026 19:56

100% constructive dismissal

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 20:39

Someone else senior resigned today also I was just told. Unrelated to me. I also got a frantic message saying nobody knows what they're supposed to be doing.

@AnnoyedAsAllHeck I really appreciate the anger. I'm really grateful for the reassurance I'm not mad. I feel really guilty weirdly like as if I've made a fuss.

OP posts:
Beachtastic · 09/04/2026 21:12

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 20:39

Someone else senior resigned today also I was just told. Unrelated to me. I also got a frantic message saying nobody knows what they're supposed to be doing.

@AnnoyedAsAllHeck I really appreciate the anger. I'm really grateful for the reassurance I'm not mad. I feel really guilty weirdly like as if I've made a fuss.

The words "rats" and "sinking ship" come to mind...!

Honestly OP I'm so sorry you're going through this, but one day soon I hope you will look back on it as a lucky escape.

ApplesAreAmazing · 09/04/2026 21:17

Do your shares and the other owner's, and possibly the other person who has handed in their notice make more than 50%? If you supported the other owner would you be able to control the company? Or am getting carried away as I've watched too many boardroom time films 🤣

ToastSoldiers · 09/04/2026 21:56

GlovedhandsCecilia · 09/04/2026 15:50

You'd have to know the other side of the story to know for sure. It sounds like there was a lot askew in OP's role and it was easy for someone to come and actually manage the situation. Boss decided a senior team was needed and new staff required. Ive worked with incompetent people before. They were always deluded about their competence.

There is no way to tell if the OP was the prize employee she says she was. What we do know is that major changes were deemed necessary by other colleagues

Well, we all have to make judgments based on our own experience. Mine is that OP’s description sounds entirely feasible.

GraceInBloom · 10/04/2026 00:15

ApplesAreAmazing · 09/04/2026 21:17

Do your shares and the other owner's, and possibly the other person who has handed in their notice make more than 50%? If you supported the other owner would you be able to control the company? Or am getting carried away as I've watched too many boardroom time films 🤣

Edited

I'm about the least cutthroat person in the world. Probably how I got into this mess. I was reading early messages from Susan and realise I should probably have told her to f**k off a while ago.

OP posts:
SconehengeRevenge · 10/04/2026 09:27

This sounds horrendous.

I really hope everything works out for you @GraceInBloom, that you're paid as you should be and that you find another good job soon

GraceInBloom · 10/04/2026 15:01

24 hours since formal resignation and no reply, but I did get an email from him to the whole staff inviting them to a Monday meeting (including me!) - which is significant because he's never done that before and it includes all my team (some of whom he's never spoken to or met). So I guess they're solidifying the new leadership. No idea why he invited me beyond maybe pretending I didn't resign.

OP posts: