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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this bad or am I the problem

278 replies

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 00:44

I’d really appreciate some objective advice because I feel upset, confused and am questioning my sanity.

I’ve been working in a senior role at a growing company for several years. I pretty much built the department from scratch and as it was a scaling startup, I’ve worked extremely long hours to get it to where it is.

A few weeks ago, my boss hired in someone new in a parallel role that's equally senior but unrelated to my department. Let's call her Susan. Susan happens to be the bosses closest friend.

Susan immediately swept in and started acting like she ran the place. She was described by colleagues as "intimidating" and "patronising" and upset a couple of other senior staff by overstepping her role.

Then she began involving herself in my area. This started initially by her correcting my work without being asked or invited and where it had nothing to do with her. I set a boundary, politely, and she apologised but then continued to escalate this type of behavior.

Suggesting changes, directing junior members of my team, organising meetings around work I’m responsible for, and generally behaving as though they were the boss of my department rather than me. It was so pronounced that it started to cause disruption and junior staff asked why she was involved.

I raised concerns about this and was told it would be addressed as the boss said he agreed it was not acceptable. He reiterated I was the boss of my department and said he'd ensure I didn't have to work directly with her.

To my shock, shortly after the boss created a "leadership team" which includes Susan in which ONLY my departments work is discussed. As in, they use this group to challenge my work, but not hers or anyone else's.

From there she began challenging everything I do, down to minute execution turning almost every decision into a debate.

For example saying I should do something differently and when I disagreed saying "chatGPT agrees with my view" and the boss did nothing and even actively encouraged her.

So I started getting angry.

I again raised the issue a few days ago but got no reply.

It was clear to me at this point that the boss sees Susan as his best friend and wanted her to have involvement across every department, and that id either have to accept being constantly undermined or leave.

A few days later my junior colleague messaged me to ask me to give him access to some systems for our new team member. I asked "what team member?"

Astoundingly it turned out that Susan and my boss had hired someone for MY team (one of this Susans contacts) without even discussing it with me, and agreed this new hire would take over a very key part of my own role and I only found out because that team member came to me, confused and uncomfortable.

When I challenged it, I was told:
that area wasn’t really my responsibility (it is, and always has been), that nothing had been done in that space (which isn’t accurate), that it was just an “oversight” and a myriad of other excuses.

In the same discussion, my role was minimised in front of others, and it was implied I don’t really run my own function and that me reacting was due to me being "competitive" and "making it about ego".

I remained calm but resigned on the spot, but the conversation was so gaslighty with both of them claiming I had no reason to react and I wanted a sanity check as they made me feel nuts.

Before working in this job for the last few years I worked for myself so I've not got much of a grip on if this is normal work behaviour or not?

For clarity, my department has been the strongest performing in the company, Susan has absolutely no experience and I cannot find a legitimate business reason for any of this.

I'm really devasted to lose the job I love :(

OP posts:
IdentityCris · 11/04/2026 11:31

GraceInBloom · 11/04/2026 11:22

I just said "as I said it didn't work" and he said, "great so let's move ahead with the one that works". That was it.

But did you say "As I said, it didn't work, and we lost £60K as a result"? Surely he couldn't say that that was great?

GraceInBloom · 11/04/2026 12:01

IdentityCris · 11/04/2026 11:31

But did you say "As I said, it didn't work, and we lost £60K as a result"? Surely he couldn't say that that was great?

No I didn't.
As usual I was a softie and didn't want to put other people down, even twats.
I'm not really built for a company like this where people behave like the cast of succession.
I just assume everyone will be normal.

OP posts:
dh280125 · 11/04/2026 13:50

Get records of it all onto your personal devices or take photos of key evidence then speak to a lawyer about constructive dismissal. It’s hard to prove but you did the right thing quitting on the spot. Very often they get settled before they reach court.

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 12/04/2026 00:58

GraceInBloom · 11/04/2026 10:14

Yes.

He pretty much has ideas with his creative people, and deals with top level stuff like investors. The nitty, gritty day to day running he has no involvement in. He hates meetings, structure and processes, he thinks everything can be done with a WhatsApp and changes his mind from one week to next.

That's always been challenging, but the upside was that I was left to run things with minimal involvement which suited me as I enjoy autonomy and organising. The new 'structure' he implemented really wasn't logical as the two people he picked for this 'leadership team' were his friends.

Both were new. Neither had any relevant experience (here or anywhere). Neither understood even the basics of how the company operates. People who did were excluded which he admitted was because he didn't like them as much.

I think he had a magical vision of him and his buddies as the top dogs directing everyone with no interest at all on if they were appropriate or the existing staff.

His name isn’t Donald J Trump is it?

PrivateCry · 12/04/2026 08:20

OP, you sound brilliant and they (he) sounds totally awful. You are most company’s dream employee, especially for a start up where hard graft is really valued. Got to say it’s very foolish on their part not to support you better as you sound like a key man dependency risk. Head held high and am sure you will be absolutely snapped up. The fact you managed to work so well with him for so long is testament to you.

Pipsquiggle · 13/04/2026 18:54

@GraceInBloom how did today go?
Hope you are ok

GraceInBloom · 18/04/2026 18:17

Hi all, you were so supportive I thought I would update.

  • Susan took over my job entirely a week after I left and is absolutely ballsing it up, one of the other teams contacted me to tell me she made a complete mess.
  • Susan and the boss deny any wrongdoing of any kind.
  • I got no response at all to my resignation letter (I think it's been about 12 days?)
  • They paid my salary as normal and added an extra few grand as a "bonus"?! Make what you want
  • Three of the shareholders have contacted me to tell me my departure would be a disaster and to say that they want to call a meeting with shareholders to find resolution of some sort.
  • They have asked me to meet tomorrow, I have agreed out of loyalty and because one in particular is extremely upset by the whole thing.
  • I can't picture any circumstances I would or could ever go back to work with those people.
  • I have taken on a solicitor (which I did purely because Susan and the boss will not admit they did anything wrong)
  • They said that I have them for breach of contract, Breach of Implied Term of Trust and Confidence, Harrassment and workplace bullying, Negligence & Procedural Failures and that I would have an 80%+ chance of winning a sum of between £80k and £140k at a tribunal
  • They also told me that even after resigning I can file a formal greviance to the board and that while not legally obligated to have one, it would look bad on the boss if refused and that I'd also get an ACAS uplift of up to 25% on my payout. They say Susan and the boss would both be found guilty of gross misconduct.
  • I am planning to hit them with a letter before action some time next week but want to meet the directors first and explain to them gently that the problem cannot be resolved.

So there we are. I will likely walk away with my shares intact, 3 months salary, a big bonus and a seizeable settlement which will allow me to buy a house. Something I never thought I'd be able to do after losing the last one in covid. I am told they will settle because tribunals are public record and I have evidence of terrible things.

I still feel awful: so humiliated, keep panting instead of breathing and have insomnia. Job hunting has been hard, so many jobs and no replies yet. I also feel really nervous about starting again as this has hurt my confidence so badly. But onwards I must go!

Thanks again for listening. I am dreading all this because I am not a confrontational person, but I wasn't left much choice.

OP posts:
YourOliveBalonz · 18/04/2026 18:23

I’m sorry about the personal impact to you, but great news on what you can do next - and they have it coming!

WallaceinAnderland · 18/04/2026 18:27

Thanks for coming back to update. That's as good a result as you could hope for. Be careful what you say in the meeting if you intend to go down the legal route.

Purplebunnie · 18/04/2026 19:11

I'm sorry you have lost your confidence. May I suggest when you feel up to it that you do some temping. It may help get your confidence back. I got offered permanent jobs at three of my temping assignments - they were the best jobs I ever had. Sadly one went bust, one I had to resign due to childcare and one I retired from. Wishing you all the best

ivyloulou · 18/04/2026 19:20

You have plenty of evidence to put together a case of constructive dismissal. Just get advice and go for it.

pictoosh · 18/04/2026 19:35

I'm still rooting for you. Good luck tomorrow.

DottyMcDiet · 18/04/2026 19:43

All the best OP, the fuckers deserve everything they got coming!

Gleanzer · 18/04/2026 19:50

Good luck tomorrow.

Look at what you just wrote. You've just shown us how competent, organised and intelligent you are. You're going to run rings round them and they have brought it all on themselves. Hopefully tomorrow won't be confrontation so much as them begging.

I'm open mouthed that their response to a resignation letter is to ignore it and give you money. Incredibly unprofessional.

GraceInBloom · 18/04/2026 21:53

Gleanzer · 18/04/2026 19:50

Good luck tomorrow.

Look at what you just wrote. You've just shown us how competent, organised and intelligent you are. You're going to run rings round them and they have brought it all on themselves. Hopefully tomorrow won't be confrontation so much as them begging.

I'm open mouthed that their response to a resignation letter is to ignore it and give you money. Incredibly unprofessional.

Solicitor said "In a company, the CEO's "feelings" don't matter. Only compliance matters. *** has operated with zero compliance".

I actually (strangely) feel terrible because I liked the boss and he's had health issues but I keep thinking that I did so much for him, and he was so incredibly cruel and can't possibly say he didn't realise it because I asked / begged / pleased and even cried and he just got angry like it was a hassle that I wuldn't simply go along with being functionally demoted because he had a friend with an ego who wanted to come and take my job.

I keep having to coach myself to be tough. I hate all this! I really did just want to get on with my work!

OP posts:
Beachtastic · 18/04/2026 22:15

Gosh OP, to an outside observer you have everything to be confident about, as reflected in the value placed on you by the shareholders.

You've been abused in your role there, and are well out of it.

It's terrifying to feel job insecurity, but something good will come out of this soon and you will look back on this as a really weird time in your life. A pivotal moment when everything took a turn for the better.

GraceInBloom · 18/04/2026 22:21

Beachtastic · 18/04/2026 22:15

Gosh OP, to an outside observer you have everything to be confident about, as reflected in the value placed on you by the shareholders.

You've been abused in your role there, and are well out of it.

It's terrifying to feel job insecurity, but something good will come out of this soon and you will look back on this as a really weird time in your life. A pivotal moment when everything took a turn for the better.

I keep thinking that, but I can't explain it but when people do this to you it just makes you feel so low and like nothing.

What was obviosuly happenning is that they still wanted to car engine (me), but for the driver to be Susan.

It really got in my head. Stupidly I was expecting to be rewarded for how well I did and so much free overtime to pitch in and instead when you get this you just feel like something is wrong with you beause it's hard to make sense of it.

It helps that Susan has behaved like a complete psycho since I left because if she'd done well and been pleasant to colleagues I would feel far worse!

OP posts:
SpidersAreShitheads · 18/04/2026 22:40

Well done OP. I’m particularly pleased you have a solicitor on board now.

If you start to doubt yourself, just imagine it was your friend or your daughter being treated as you have. Would you think they were making a fuss??

I think if you’re naturally a kind and giving soul - and you really seem as if you are - then it can become second nature to put your own needs last. That just isn’t sustainable and it’s not fair to you. By imagining it as a close friend or daughter, it can make it easier to fight for your rights.

If you’re able to update I’d love to hear how this pans out. I would be willing to bet in six months time you’ll be in a much stronger position financially and emotionally and you won’t be working at a place that sucks you dry.

Imdunfer · 19/04/2026 07:40

What a great update, It's so good that you got a lawyer.

I hope your gumption will come back home once you've got over the shock of all this, because you're doing just great and you are clearly a very valuable employee to anyone.

Beachtastic · 19/04/2026 09:35

GraceInBloom · 18/04/2026 22:21

I keep thinking that, but I can't explain it but when people do this to you it just makes you feel so low and like nothing.

What was obviosuly happenning is that they still wanted to car engine (me), but for the driver to be Susan.

It really got in my head. Stupidly I was expecting to be rewarded for how well I did and so much free overtime to pitch in and instead when you get this you just feel like something is wrong with you beause it's hard to make sense of it.

It helps that Susan has behaved like a complete psycho since I left because if she'd done well and been pleasant to colleagues I would feel far worse!

I do understand. I was in a similar situation, years ago; it's what prompted me to work for myself - which turned out really well. I know you said upthread that you couldn't start your own business again, but are there any services you could provide on a freelance basis? It sounds as though a lot of people would bite your hand off for that! Including, possibly, your ex-employers.

When I said I was going freelance, my ex-employers said they'd never use me so good luck with that. It was a huge and terrifying gamble (mortgage to pay, etc). Guess who sent me the most work in the first couple of years! I dropped them when my client base expanded, but for a while it was lovely charging them double what they used to pay me 😜

Bestfootforward11 · 19/04/2026 10:36

Thank you for posting, I was wondering how you were doing but did not want to intrude. You’ve worked for them tirelessly, with commitment and professionalism and played a key part in making the business what it is. And despite them being utter fools, you’ve also acted with dignity and integrity throughout this whole thing. I’m so glad you've been advised on a route to compensation so at least there will be something to mark their unacceptable behaviour. But I know that alone won’t make everything right and I’m sorry you had to go through this nonsense. I hope your health improves and wish all the best.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/04/2026 16:34

Gleanzer · 18/04/2026 19:50

Good luck tomorrow.

Look at what you just wrote. You've just shown us how competent, organised and intelligent you are. You're going to run rings round them and they have brought it all on themselves. Hopefully tomorrow won't be confrontation so much as them begging.

I'm open mouthed that their response to a resignation letter is to ignore it and give you money. Incredibly unprofessional.

Agreed.
Well done OP.. glad you got some good advice.

offering you a measly "bonus" and expecting you to crawl back to continue this treatment just shows how ignorant they are at managing a company. They will get a shock when they learn how misguided they have been. Too cowardly even to speak to you and expecting you to come back without a word and no promise of change... absolutely pathetic and arrogant too.

I completely get that you are normally non confrontational.. and that this is the last thing you wanted. But I hope your meeting and new job search goes well.. I think you will look back in a few weeks time and be very glad you stood up for yourself.

Bookloveruk · 19/04/2026 18:53

GraceInBloom · 18/04/2026 18:17

Hi all, you were so supportive I thought I would update.

  • Susan took over my job entirely a week after I left and is absolutely ballsing it up, one of the other teams contacted me to tell me she made a complete mess.
  • Susan and the boss deny any wrongdoing of any kind.
  • I got no response at all to my resignation letter (I think it's been about 12 days?)
  • They paid my salary as normal and added an extra few grand as a "bonus"?! Make what you want
  • Three of the shareholders have contacted me to tell me my departure would be a disaster and to say that they want to call a meeting with shareholders to find resolution of some sort.
  • They have asked me to meet tomorrow, I have agreed out of loyalty and because one in particular is extremely upset by the whole thing.
  • I can't picture any circumstances I would or could ever go back to work with those people.
  • I have taken on a solicitor (which I did purely because Susan and the boss will not admit they did anything wrong)
  • They said that I have them for breach of contract, Breach of Implied Term of Trust and Confidence, Harrassment and workplace bullying, Negligence & Procedural Failures and that I would have an 80%+ chance of winning a sum of between £80k and £140k at a tribunal
  • They also told me that even after resigning I can file a formal greviance to the board and that while not legally obligated to have one, it would look bad on the boss if refused and that I'd also get an ACAS uplift of up to 25% on my payout. They say Susan and the boss would both be found guilty of gross misconduct.
  • I am planning to hit them with a letter before action some time next week but want to meet the directors first and explain to them gently that the problem cannot be resolved.

So there we are. I will likely walk away with my shares intact, 3 months salary, a big bonus and a seizeable settlement which will allow me to buy a house. Something I never thought I'd be able to do after losing the last one in covid. I am told they will settle because tribunals are public record and I have evidence of terrible things.

I still feel awful: so humiliated, keep panting instead of breathing and have insomnia. Job hunting has been hard, so many jobs and no replies yet. I also feel really nervous about starting again as this has hurt my confidence so badly. But onwards I must go!

Thanks again for listening. I am dreading all this because I am not a confrontational person, but I wasn't left much choice.

You should be very proud of yourself on how you have conducted yourself and your professionalism. I’m sure you will win any case and any other employer would be glad to have you working there. Keep us posted

3luckystars · 19/04/2026 20:07

If possible bring someone with you to the meeting. Don’t alone. Even if they don’t speak and wear mirrored sunglasses.
Don't go alone. We are all behind you.

GraceInBloom · 19/04/2026 20:52

The meeting was terrible.

They had an offer for me for something the boss had positioned as a "promotion" which was a sideways move. It involved a job title on the same level I had before, doing basically all the work I did outside my actual job but more operations that the revenue generating role I had before and was highly successful at.

The idea I guess was: Well we need Grace to run things but we also need to essentially allow Susan to keep the job she stole because she;s the bosses mate.

I said no thanks, and then sent a letter without prejudice explaining that the offer was an insult, that I wasn't coming back to a company that had treated this way to allow a workplace bully to take my job and that they have a week to start negotiating before the solicitor takes over.

Really depressing day.

Oh yes, and a senior colleague resigned saying she couldn't work in a place where I had been treated like that. The whole thing was so great and all of this was so needless. Just a couple of horrible people with a big ego trying to show off instead of being normal.

I really appreciate everyone here.

OP posts: