AIBU to step back after a long-term friend slowly ghosted me?

[FriendInLimbo]

Bit of a long one but I’d appreciate some outside perspective.

I’ve fallen out with a friend of 10+ years and I’m really struggling with it. We used to talk every day and see each other all the time, then out of nowhere she just stopped replying. No explanation, nothing.

I reached out a few times because I was worried and missed her. Eventually she came back saying she’d been going through stuff and didn’t want to explain, which I do understand to a point. But she also said I’d been a bad friend, pressuring her and basically making her feel worse.

That genuinely shocked me because that wasn’t my intention at all. I was trying to check in and keep the friendship going. I’ll admit I got upset and said something like she’d “dropped me like a sack of shit”, which probably didn’t help, but it came from hurt more than anything.

What I’m struggling with is that she completely shut me out for months, ignored messages (but opened them), didn’t even acknowledge my birthday, and now seems to think I’m the problem. I also feel like she’s put words in my mouth and accused me of things I didn’t actually say.

She hasn’t blocked me or fully cut me off, which makes it harder because I don’t know if she wants the friendship or not. It just feels like I’m being kept at arm’s length.

I don’t want to lose the friendship, but I also don’t think I’ve done anything that warrants being treated like this. At the same time, I don’t want to keep chasing someone who clearly isn’t meeting me halfway.

Would you leave it now and step back, or try again down the line? And has anyone dealt with this kind of “slow ghosting” from a long-term friend?

AIBU to feel like I’ve been treated unfairly here?

I’d let the friendship drift if I were you. You have tried to keep the lines of communication open and she has accused you of being a bad friend

I think this friendship is over. It sounds like you continued to check in within what you believed were the bounds of your friendship, but to her the friendship had become suffocating. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong, just that you both felt differently about it.

Yes, step back. I don't think your friendship can come back from this so it's time to grieve her and let go.

Step back. What do you have to gain from continuing to try to be in contact with someone who has asked you indirectly and then fairly directly to back off?

It’s hard to know what has actually happened, but I would quietly step well back.

It’s what she apparently wants and protects you from further hurt.

Maybe she’ll come back later, maybe not, but you can’t force friendship.

She could have simply said she was going through some things and she'd get back to you when she was ready. Instead she's mad at you for not being psychic.

I don’t think any of this is your fault at all but I do think that she sees it differently and had a different experience of the same scenario.

From your side I don’t think I’d be setting myself up for that level of hurt again.

Friendships ebb and flow. It's natural. Just let it be

Hmmm I’ve been that friend I think. In my case the person kept contacting me despite me saying I’d be in touch when I felt ready . Not to worry and that I had plenty of support. She just kept on and on. Thing is she is a nice person but she’s a dreadful gossip and I just had private stuff going on. Obviously I’m not saying that’s the same in your case but sometimes people appreciate space.So maybe just send a final message to say you’re around and available if and when she ready to talk.

Could you send one last message to say that you are missing her and hoping she is well? Then this firmly puts the ball in her court whether she wants to continue the relationship. If she texts back, then it could be a positive sign that the friendship is still there.

She is hurt for some reason. It would be good for you to both meet up and talk things through. Your friend my not want this and you will have to respect her decision that you are not friends any longer.

Slow ghosting is an excellent way to describe this sort of thing. I can well imagine the effect this has had on you if there has been no explanation whatsoever and you’ve just been left to guess and find your way around in the dark. She’s been “going through stuff” but instead of confiding in you about this she’s chosen to shut you out. Sometimes, depending on what it is, it can be very difficult to maintain a friendship whilst struggling with some aspects of life. It sounds to me like she pulled away because she couldn’t cope. At one time I went through a period of severe depression and could not cope with other people’s happy, perfect lives and expectations of me. I hated being me and also sharing the “me” that I had become because I felt ashamed and simply unable to give them what they needed. I hated feeling pitied. Perhaps something similar is going on here? You could let her know that whatever it is, you’ll always be there for her, you’re sorry for what she’s going through….. and be kind to yourself because you probably haven’t done anything wrong and you obviously care 🩷

I’d let the friendship go, you deserve better.

I think she's made her position clear, just leave her be

I’d just let it go. It’s her loss.

I think you need to accept and call it a day.

I ended a close friendship recently for similar reasons. She'd be going through stuff and would just ghost me for months on end. Then want to pick back up again after. And it's totally her right to want to cut down contact with mates during hard times, but it's also my right to say I don't like being ghosted.

So now I stick with friends who don't ghost me (or at least dignify with a 'things are really full on right now - I'll get back to you in a few weeks) - and she can stick with friends who are fine being dropped and picked up again.

Just leave it now.

That’s exactly my point, thank you! A simple message saying she was dealing with things and would get back to me when ready would have been enough. Instead, I’ve been left trying to guess, and then made to feel like I’m the one in the wrong.

I think you’re probably right to be honest, and she has struggled with her mental health before.

That’s why this has been so hard for me, because in the past she would talk to me. I’d sit with her, let her talk it out, give her a hug, and we’d get through it together — and she always said she felt better after.

She went through a breakup at the end of last year as well and I was there for her, supporting her through it, listening, never advising. I think that’s why I’ve found this sudden shut-out so difficult to understand.
It’s just being left in the dark trying to figure out what’s going on, which has honestly been really upsetting.

I do understand that if she’s struggling she might not be able to cope with maintaining the friendship right now.

I still care about her and always will, I just wish she’d been able to tell me that she needed space instead of shutting me out completely. But I suppose not everyone can do that when they’re in that headspace. Thank you! 🩷

She hasn’t blocked me or fully cut me off, which makes it harder because I don’t know if she wants the friendship or not. It just feels like I’m being kept at arm’s length.
I don’t want to lose the friendship

The friendship is over. You shouldn't need blocking to see that it's over by this point. I think the fact that you can't tell and think there's something still there is maybe an insight into how you could've been too much when she felt she'd been clear. That doesn't mean that you deserve it or that what you did warrants being 'dropped like a sack of shit', but nonetheless, that's what she's done and it's time to accept that and move on. Which isn't even taking a step back as there's nothing to step back from. People don't have to block each other for it to be over. Most people don't want that level of drama. She just wants to be left alone, and that's okay. Focus on friends who want your company.

I think “harassing” is a bit unfair here to be honest. I sent about 5 messages over the space of 3 months and a few Snapchats that haven’t even been opened. That’s not exactly constant messaging or stalking.

I also left her a card and an Easter egg as a final attempt because it’s a friendship of over 10 years, not something casual.

I’ve respected the silence for long periods in between, not messaging her daily or “bugging the shit out of her” as you’ve put it.

I completely accept that if she doesn’t want the friendship anymore that’s her choice, but I don’t think reaching out a handful of times to someone you’ve been close to for years is unreasonable.

Thank you so much to everyone who’s replied, I really appreciate it. I won’t attempt contact again and will give her the space she seems to need. X

Having been on both sides of this, I’d say to step back. You’re both equally entitled to only gave friendships that bring you happiness, and to step away from being hurt.

In my case I slow ghosted a few people (excellent expression btw!) because I was in a bad place mentally, my life had fallen all to shit and I was utterly unable to cope with the comparisons to their lives (which was all in my head, not theirs. Probably). But they couldn’t possibly be expected to psychically know that!

I did text a year or so later and apologise and explain, whilst emphasising that I would understand if they were done. Fortunately one wasn’t. But that onus was fully on me.

The times it happened to me I think was because I was no longer useful.

Ten messages and a card plus an egg - that you are admitting to - is indeed bugging the shit out of someone. The hint should have been taken after the third message that she deliberately ignored.

I'd feel you were stalking me.

It is hard not to know why someone dumped you - but that's the reality you are faced with and you can't make her change her mind. It's the most awful, cringey feeling to be on the receiving end of unwanted attention and only makes you dislike the person and look down on them.

Yes, I have been ghosted, about 12 years ago. And yes we were good friends. Not acquaintances, good friends. I know I did nothing wrong, so whatever her reasons were they were based on her issues, not mine. I wish her well and I don't cling to people who make it clear they don't want me.

I called once, texted twice, then left her in peace. Because that is her right. I didn't obsess about her, write threads about her or send her unwanted gifts, because I understand that everyone has a right to walk away. I'll never know why she walked away, and that's fine, because it has to be.

You're not stepping back from anything, she has moved on from you. Now you have to find a way to procss and accept that.

I sent 5 messages and a few Snapchats (of the cat!) over 3 months. For two friends who used to chat multiple times a day, that’s not much. I knew something was wrong, but I would have expected a simple message asking me to give her space. My final attempt was a card saying I hoped she was okay, plus a small Easter egg, for a girl with a sweet tooth. I am not obsessed, I hoped it was a thoughtful gesture, not harassment. I fully respect her choice to step back.

Take my advice and put her on the shelf and stop tormenting yourself. It isnt worth your time and energy. Its her.