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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to step back after a long-term friend slowly ghosted me?

105 replies

FriendInLimbo · 08/04/2026 10:55

Bit of a long one but I’d appreciate some outside perspective.

I’ve fallen out with a friend of 10+ years and I’m really struggling with it. We used to talk every day and see each other all the time, then out of nowhere she just stopped replying. No explanation, nothing.

I reached out a few times because I was worried and missed her. Eventually she came back saying she’d been going through stuff and didn’t want to explain, which I do understand to a point. But she also said I’d been a bad friend, pressuring her and basically making her feel worse.

That genuinely shocked me because that wasn’t my intention at all. I was trying to check in and keep the friendship going. I’ll admit I got upset and said something like she’d “dropped me like a sack of shit”, which probably didn’t help, but it came from hurt more than anything.

What I’m struggling with is that she completely shut me out for months, ignored messages (but opened them), didn’t even acknowledge my birthday, and now seems to think I’m the problem. I also feel like she’s put words in my mouth and accused me of things I didn’t actually say.

She hasn’t blocked me or fully cut me off, which makes it harder because I don’t know if she wants the friendship or not. It just feels like I’m being kept at arm’s length.

I don’t want to lose the friendship, but I also don’t think I’ve done anything that warrants being treated like this. At the same time, I don’t want to keep chasing someone who clearly isn’t meeting me halfway.

Would you leave it now and step back, or try again down the line? And has anyone dealt with this kind of “slow ghosting” from a long-term friend?

AIBU to feel like I’ve been treated unfairly here?

OP posts:
Original poster
FriendInLimbo · 09/04/2026 21:30

Greenfinch7 · 09/04/2026 09:11

Dear OP, please ignore all the unkind posters. I can feel how hurtful they are, and truly, it is their problem, nothing to do with you. No explanation will get through to them, as they have decided to rewrite your story. You come across as eminently kind, reasonable, and measured, like a wonderful friend.

As for your original friend, she sounds like she is not thinking or seeing clearly, probably because of her mental health. Some people cope with difficulty by throwing everything away, perhaps because holding on to the past forces them to see themselves, and interferes with their coping mechanism of turning away. Did your friend have a pattern of dumping people, jobs, ways of life, belongings, or philosophies? It is very sad that this is what she has done to you, but it is not your fault, and it is also not understandable, as it doesn't make sense.

Losing a friend is something that can be more painful than a romantic breakup; the trust and understanding one has with an old friend often surpasses the trust and understanding of other relationships. When such a friend dumps you, you doubt yourself in a very deep way, as the person has no reason to do this (unlike the boyfriend who wants to get together with someone else, so has to separate from you). Also, the person who is ditching you really knew the true you, so when the true you is not worth holding onto, it hurts like hell.

There is no acknowledged way of coping with friendship loss in our society, of salving the painful wound left by such a breakup. People don't know what to say or how to understand such a thing, and often don't understand how painful it is.

I am sorry you are going through this- you sound loyal, sensitive, and generous. Maybe in a few years things will change again, and if you still value her, you can form a new friendship with her.

You are so kind, thank you from the bottom of my heart 🩷 x

OP posts:
AgathaHoccleve · 09/04/2026 21:33

FriendInLimbo · 08/04/2026 14:20

She only told me this yesterday, AFTER I had left the egg on Sunday. It was a last ditch attempt.

Show quote history

OK, but what you thought of as ‘reaching out’ she experienced as putting pressure on her. You meant well, but she felt you weren’t respecting her need to draw back. I’d apologise and say you value her friendship, and would be glad to hear from her if things change.

Original poster
FriendInLimbo · 09/04/2026 21:38

I honestly can’t get over how kind so many of you have been, thank you all for the support and for making me feel like I’m not completely losing my mind 😂 I won’t be reaching out to her again, and I’m not sure I’d be open to reconnecting if she ever tries to revive the friendship. But this has given me a lot of perspective, and I genuinely feel so much better now. Thank you, truly, all of you, I’m incredibly grateful 🩷 x

OP posts:
Original poster
FriendInLimbo · 09/04/2026 21:56

blubberyboo · 08/04/2026 19:38

From what youve said i dont think youve harassed her.

Yes she could have a lot going on mental illness or an undisclosed physical illness but she wasnt kind at all to you to not say she needed space from the start and now to lash out at you.

It could simply be that she doesnt need you anymore! I had similar with a long term friend who cried on my shoulder and who i helped through deep depression. When time passed and she moved on with her life she also moved on from me and wasnt there when i then had problems. Embarrassment or selfishness i dont know and never will.

Your friend has said shes going through something but hadnt once considered that you might also be going through something that you need her for. This is a friend to create distance with.

Thank you. I had a few things I would have loved to talk to her about, but I didn’t bring them up given how things were. It didn’t seem like it crossed her mind that I might have needed support too. X

OP posts:
Original poster
FriendInLimbo · 09/04/2026 21:59

VikingLady · 08/04/2026 21:55

I do think some if the responses on here are off though. How is it weird to message multiple times per day? Isn’t that just how an ongoing conversation works over text? Looking over my WhatsApp and messenger I have several people I go through phases of chatting with. Isn’t that what messaging apps are for?

I’ve had one particular friend for over a decade. There are times one of the other of us pulls back a bit for a while, then times when we’re in an involved supportive conversation with dozens of messages in a day adding up to one conversation. That’s just how a friendship works, surely?

That’s absolutely how we worked for the last 5 years x

OP posts:
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